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Do I really want to be slender? wisdom from the Right Brain

Monday, May 31, 2010

I pulled out the RB/LB journal yesterday and asked my right brain a serious question. I asked my right brain if I really wanted to be slender and it answered

"I don't care."

I was shocked ... and yet not shocked. obviously I wouldn't have asked myself this if I hadn't begun to doubt. I don't have a ton of weight to loose but I know that even as little as 20 lbs would make an enormous difference in my shape, my size, my clothes, my face - and all photographic evidence of what I look like.

I also know that it only takes a little adjustment to start losing my weight. 100 calories less a day or 30 mintues more movement. So why isn't there any progress? and why is it so miniscule when it comes? I figured Righty had to know and she did. so here's the conversation ... because .. well... just because:

LB: Look, I'm not sure about this fat thing - I hate the fat photos but I love a lot about eating.

Righty: Lythe strong body

LB: (in dispirited tones) Yeah, yeah, I know all about the health thing....

Righty: I want to be treated like a queen - with the best food and always enough time for exercise

LB: oooo. I think I understand - good food in careful portions eaten mindfully is not something that comes as a reward for obeying rules or scheduels or other people - they come first! Hey? am I one of those people who puts others first instead of me? only others are not other people but other things I think matter more? abstract things?

Righty: duh

LB: But what about when I'm tired

Righty: You know how to make lists - prepare

LB: OK, I can do that. So. Do you even want to be slender?

Righty: I don't care but I want to be healthy and strong

LB: And I just want to be fashionable

Righty: We can be both

LB: And so we can.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALIMESSA 6/1/2010 7:15PM

    You and MERALO have the best Blogs regarding internal conversations!! LOVE IT!!

Being healthy and living a healthy lifestyle is definitely what this journey is all about...being slender is just, often times, a byproduct of it!

As always,
Stay Strong!!

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JLITT62 5/31/2010 1:50PM

    I'd like to be a little bug in your brain.


Great conversation, tho! While I do think I could stand to lose 20 lbs, I think 10 lbs is reasonable for me right now. I wouldn't have to pay for WW, maybe I could work there & bring in a tiny bit of cash -- if it was enough to pay for pet sitting I think DH would be happy, and of course, there is the whole healthy thing -- more energy -- who couldn't use some of that?

It's still hard tho. I have been doing great on mindful eating this week -- thank God! -- but probably still eating a tad too much & the scale will most likely reflect that.

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GEODAWG 5/31/2010 11:42AM

    You hit the nail of the head. My feelings exactly. My actions exactly! LOL

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MERALO 5/31/2010 11:27AM

    Yes, you can...and you can have the best of both worlds too!

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WEDDWT 5/31/2010 10:33AM

    There are a lot of slender bodies who are not healthy, strong, fit, and happy. So a goal of healthy & strong with the perk of slender makes sense!

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CRAVE_FREE 5/31/2010 10:05AM

    And so you can. Inner conversations can be the stepping off point for outward changes. emoticon

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Screwing up my courage to admit the truth

Sunday, May 30, 2010

and that is ...

Bad food choices this week put pounds back on my body. There's nobody to blame but me and my choices - there are no good reasons for them - only excuses. I could hear myself making these bratty excuses even as I reached for the parmesan cheese and shook another 2 tablespoons on my pasta; even as I sat in front of the television and watched back episodes of Project Runway while I ate lunch; even as I had another slice of bread at dinnertime when I hadn't eaten enough vegetables during the day.

In short

I knew I was not choosing the best for myself and did it anyway. I think I need a ... what is that fierce looking woman on the biggest loser named? Jillian ? ... I need someone growling at me from beside the refrigerator.

Well. No I don't. I am sure that would backfire.

So. What do I need?

I need to really really REALLY want a different body.
I need to believe that healthy eating is fun, interesting and easy (enough - being fun makes the work easier)
I need to believe that giving myself a treat isn't eating another ice cream bar - in fact, it probably isn't going to be food at all - but maybe - half an hour for meditation or an hour with the drawing pencils and some clean white paper or listening to Jacob Lindberg on the stereo system - while NOT multitasking with my hands.

Oh Oh I am getting something here - I am hearing Martha Beck telling me to "SIN! SIN! Substitute Inedible Nourishment!!"

Ack! How did I forget this?

oooo ... well ... Yes. I am seeing this. I'm afraid I am one of those busy do do do-er types who are always on the go. Although I don't aspire to any Type-A traits, I do often skirt very close to the Type A behavior. I had very demanding parents who were not only active and creative, but expected us to be Doing Something all the time. 100% of the time. Reading a novel for school homework was good - reading a novel for any other purpose was Not Good. This is just an ancient habit of mine and I can see how it played into a bad choice week. I planned to do a lot of exercise over this vacation and instead I pinched my sciatic nerve on Day 1 and that enforced inactivity prompted So Much Guilt ... after all - I was Wasting Time Just Sitting There - as if I could have gotten up. sheesh. Wasting Time = Bad Girl. Bad Girls just go eat chocolate, right?

Lordy what a stupid thought cycle.


Well. Aren't I lucky I'm not only still here to live another day - but I can make that day a brand new Day 1. I can put all the bad choices of this past week behind me and just start making good choices. And the first good choice is to go do my Powah Yogah routine and my second good choice will be to wish you all a Sweet Sunday.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALIMESSA 6/1/2010 7:12PM

    Forgiving yourself is important...forgive, forget and move on...YOU CAN DO IT...

As always,
Stay Strong!!

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GEODAWG 5/31/2010 11:57AM

    Well I have found another person who is like me. What a surprise. LOL I, too, was brought up to stay busy doing constructive things and only read when ALL chores, homework, nasty things are finished! Yuck! I also have read Martha Beck! What a revelation! She has changed my response to food temptations. And your blog today speaks to me so clearly. You sound as if you have been in my house taking notes on what I am doing and thinking! It is great to realize, once again, that I am not alone in this battle. We even weigh the same on the ticker! OMG. I was a librarian for a few years too. Lordy, lordy. Good to have found you.
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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WEDDWT 5/30/2010 4:53PM

    Yep, it's that roller coaster ride called life. I can tell you are a "look- no hands", and not a white knuckler.
I never knew about Substitute Inedible Nourishment, I like that, and will put it on my fridge!

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EMPTYNESTER60 5/30/2010 9:53AM

    Thanks for the reality check and the confirmation that SP is where I should be right now. I am so inspired by your Day 1 starts now attitude. That has been my downfall many, many times & I just gave up when I totally messed up my food & exercise goals. Thanks for helping me to remember to "just pick myself up, dust myself off & start all over again" if I fall off the SP wagon for a day emoticon emoticon

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JLITT62 5/30/2010 9:19AM

    Bad food choices seem to be making the rounds lately, and I too have succumbed! But I am on day 3 of making better choices. They're still not all good -- they never will be, and I don't aspire to make them so -- but they are better, which makes me feel in control, and that makes me happy. Wishing you the same happiness!

Oh, and even tho my parents are always doing, I suppose I'm a rebel and I don't multitask and I enjoy relaxing with a good book -- no guilt involved.

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HARPERLADY 5/30/2010 8:37AM

    you certainly have a great attitude and looks like you're gonna be fine, we all need those days once in awhile, enjoy ( in a good way) the rest of your weekend emoticon

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ZBMORGAN 5/30/2010 8:36AM

    First - schedule some liesure time! 30 Minutes a day to read a novel! It's your homework!!!
Second, if you are a do-do-doer - then Do do do! Go to the grocery store, find your favorite fruits and veggies, then buy them, get them home, and prep them. Life is so much easier if that celery is already cut up and sitting in the fridge, or those baby carrots are already measured out with 2 Tablespoons of hummus on the side.

And knowing yourself is actually the first step to success. Great job!

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SHEILA1505 5/30/2010 8:28AM

    The point is - did you have a good break? Do you feel a bit rested and almost ready to go back to work on Tuesday?

I hope you curled up with a piece of nonsense reading matter today and that your swim in the river later will soothe your limbs and ease your back.

Yesterday for some reason I got the numbers totally wrong! I thought I had plenty of wiggle room for rugby watching with neighbour and her friends, then out for a steak dinner - oops forgot that nuts with TV, all that wine, and OMG the butter *and* the cheese would push me into double my target! Oh pluck ... it's raw cauliflower and apples today ... but I really really hope that I didn't blow away all my hard work last week

Big hugs Bess - I think the fridge needs a padlock and chain and I need to remember exactly why I am restyling my lifestyle - It's for me, only for me.


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YAYAMEMA 5/30/2010 8:15AM

  Don't kick yourself in the butt, you will do better. We all make mistakes with our eating. I know this all too well. emoticon

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MSLZZY 5/30/2010 8:11AM

    Been there, done that! Turn yourself around and have a great day! emoticon emoticon

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Day 3 of the big push

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

The good news is my back - really my hip - is much better. I rested it yesterday and as the day worn on I felt better and better till today I can barely tell there had been a problem. Whew. Dodged a bullet there.

The better news is that I have kept my NoJunkFood resolution for 2 days. It helps that I'm not out in the world but, rather, cozied at home where there isn't any junk food, but I take my triumphs where I find them.

The best news of all is that we're going to go spend the day at the beach. I have a craving for ocean pleasure and we are headed to Virginia Beach - the closest ocean beach - to go get salty and windblown and sunned. I don't really want to spend the night but I really do want to hear waves crash on the shore and smell that salty breeze. I'll take my knitting. I'll take my camera and I'll take my sketch book. I ought to be set for the day.

There will be seafood eaten today but no junk food.

Happy Tuesday to you all.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HAWKEYERANT 6/3/2010 11:16AM

    Mmm I'd much rather have the seafood than the junk food!!

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MSLZZY 5/27/2010 7:03AM

    Hope your day was special and take care of yourself!

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SMALLERSHEEP 5/26/2010 2:24PM

    That sounds like a delightful day! Enjoy it! And congratulations on your success with NoJunkFood. You can do it!

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ALIMESSA 5/26/2010 1:08AM

    Glad to hear your hip/back is better, and CONGRATS on no junk food! Have fun at the beach...I want to go...

As always,
Stay Strong!!

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JKTENTATIVE 5/25/2010 8:35PM

    You sound so calm and in control. You need to bottle this feeling so you can take it out at other times when things are a little crazy. Enjoy the beach & enjoy life!!

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DAYHIKER 5/25/2010 12:37PM

    YAY!! Glad to hear that good news! I like your idea of a No Junk Food resolution!


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JLITT62 5/25/2010 10:17AM

    I am envious. Our time at the Cape was so short & filled with chores, there was no time to hear waves crashing on the beach. Enjoy it for me!

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AEBROWNSON 5/25/2010 10:12AM

    Yeah to your hip feeling better and yeah to keeping up the No Junk Food Challenge!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SHEILA1505 5/25/2010 8:28AM

    That sounds magic Bess
Glad your back responded to the rest and that you are going to be able to walk barefoot in the sand and breathe fresh salty air for the day

Have fun


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MERALO 5/25/2010 7:46AM

    Have an awesome day!

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MICHELE_L 5/25/2010 7:44AM

    Have a great time! emoticon

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What the ....??? my back!

Monday, May 24, 2010

so here it is, Day 2 of my big push and I've done something to my back - pinched sciatic nerve I am guessing by the way it hurts across my hip. There are positions that are pain free, positions that hurt a little and a few that hurt like the very devil.

Hey this is not fair - I'm supposed to be on Vacation! Not out on sick leave. Wahhhh.

And how? Not from the yoga - though perhaps I'd loosened myself up too much - but from reaching in an odd position to brush the dog!

Well. Today I can lay low and nurse my aching back and if I'm out more than today I will just pick up with Day 3 as soon as I am better. And even if I can't move around much I can still stick to the No Junk Food rule. Himself has to go to the city today. I was supposed to go with him but that's definitely out now. Still and all, while he's out he can do a little grocery shopping for me. Watermelon. Yes. That's what I want. and some celery. Guess I'll have to make him a list.

ahh well. Some days are diamonds and some are stone.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MSLZZY 5/27/2010 7:03AM

    Ouch! No fun being in pain! Take it easy and get better soon!

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ALIMESSA 5/25/2010 3:18AM

    I know what it is like to be down...wishing you a speedy recovery!

As always,
Stay Strong!!

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JKTENTATIVE 5/25/2010 1:09AM

    Hope you are already feeling better! emoticon

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WEDDWT 5/24/2010 10:30PM

    Try not to get too discouraged, remind yourself that it is temporary and you will feel well once again.

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JLITT62 5/24/2010 3:09PM

    Our bodies sure do have funny ways of talking to us, don't they?

Here I was, so full of energy before & during vacation . . . then laid out on the couch for a week afterwards! And it just kills me that DH is just fine. DH who never met a junk food he didn't like, and won't touch a veggie to save his soul (or so it seems).

Well, take care, don't push too hard, and you'll enjoy the rest of your vacation. You can still work on the food program, especially since now you have some time to catch your breath. Maybe it's even time for that vision collage?

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DAYHIKER 5/24/2010 3:01PM

    Ouch! It's amazing how little it takes sometimes to get that back aggravated. I hope you are already feeling better!
emoticon Cindy

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LVNG4ME 5/24/2010 10:25AM

    Sorry to hear of your pain. I hope you get better soon. At least your keeping a positive attitude.

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SHEALUNA 5/24/2010 10:09AM

    Owie. How rubbish it happened on Vacation! Definitely have Himself pick you up some (healthy) goodies while he's in the City, then slap some ice on it, sit back and enjoy some downtime.

Consider it not so much a stone day, as a hot stone massage day. emoticon

Feel better soon!

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AEBROWNSON 5/24/2010 10:00AM

    Take it easy today and it'll be better tomorrow, I hope. You can do it with the No Junk Food rule!

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SHEILA1505 5/24/2010 7:42AM

Got the Tshirt on that one! Not much fun, is it? Maybe you can get a bit of a walk around the supermarket, with the trolley for support if necessary - but go easy with the heavy lifting, twist and drop into the trolley


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Day 1 of a 28 day push - with rewards along the way

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Today is the first day of my vacation. I'm pleased that everything I had to do was completed and my schedule and desk are organized for when I return. I've been so clogged and caught up with work as I prepared for my long needed vacation I feel like it's time to Start Something Fresh.

In addition to finally getting a work break, this week I ramp up my Powah Yogah by moving to stage two of the Biggest Loser Yoga DVD.

The two falling together on the same day made the idea of a 4 week challenge irresistible. I'm extremely proud of myself for sticking with my Powah Yogah routine perfectly, in spite of 2 days when I gave serious thoughts to skipping the workout. for the past 2 weeks I've done PY every other day and 2 more gentle and spiritual sessions of yoga on the alternate days. If I can do this for 2 weeks I can do it for 4 more. The happy result so far is that those tighter clothes of mine fit better. Just think what it will be like after 4 weeks?

The plan is this:

First off - a small reward for not caving on the workout routine. I have a gift from a girlfriend that is intended to be a weight loss reward. Alas. I haven't lost any weight since she gave it to me but I think 2 weeks of PY deserves a reward. That gift gets opened today.

Next - today (really in about 20 minutes) I begin week 3 of the DVD - which is the same yoga moves with an additional ab routine using a weighted ball. I bought mine last week so I'm all ready to get started. Keep this up and in 2 weeks I get another small reward.

Third - I commit to more careful eating. I've been consistently over the calorie limits on the food tracker for weeks now. I've let Other Things be excuses for indulgences. If I look back over the past month of food trackers, there's junk food on every single day. So. For the next 28 days there will be no junk food. Period. I am not a junk person - why put junk food inside me. I may still go over my calorie limits during this 28 day period but ONLY if I do it with healthy natural deliberately eaten food. so that's actually 2 food things. No Junk Food and No Mindless Eating.

At the end of 4 weeks I'll come back with before and after measurements and share. If I am successful, sticking with the exercise program I get a day off from work. If I'm successful with the food program I also get to take a day off from work. If I'm successful with both - I get a day off from work AND cashmere yarn. enough for either a lace shawl or a sweater.

Happily - baring unforeseen things that nobody can prevent (I have aged parents) I don't see any stress in my life for the next 4 weeks so I can make it All About Me.

Hope you get some All About You time soon!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MSLZZY 5/27/2010 7:04AM

    emoticon emoticon

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ALIMESSA 5/24/2010 2:53AM

    Great plan...good luck...YOU CAN DO IT...small rewards are always a great motivator!

As always,
Stay Strong!!

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WEDDWT 5/23/2010 11:44AM

    You motivated me with your plan emoticon and I can too!
Enjoy your well deserved vacation!

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MERALO 5/23/2010 11:39AM

    I love it! Great challenge for yourself, with an achievable can do this. Please let us know every week how you're keeps you accountable, that's what motivated me to blog about the calendar challenge I'm doing.

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SHEILA1505 5/23/2010 8:31AM

    You seem to have your vacation worked out beautifully and delighted that it is all about good quality "you" time. Enjoy and feel relaxed, strengthened and healthy


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