I pulled out the RB/LB journal yesterday and asked my right brain a serious question. I asked my right brain if I really wanted to be slender and it answered
"I don't care."
I was shocked ... and yet not shocked. obviously I wouldn't have asked myself this if I hadn't begun to doubt. I don't have a ton of weight to loose but I know that even as little as 20 lbs would make an enormous difference in my shape, my size, my clothes, my face - and all photographic evidence of what I look like.
I also know that it only takes a little adjustment to start losing my weight. 100 calories less a day or 30 mintues more movement. So why isn't there any progress? and why is it so miniscule when it comes? I figured Righty had to know and she did. so here's the conversation ... because .. well... just because:
LB: Look, I'm not sure about this fat thing - I hate the fat photos but I love a lot about eating.
Righty: Lythe strong body
LB: (in dispirited tones) Yeah, yeah, I know all about the health thing....
Righty: I want to be treated like a queen - with the best food and always enough time for exercise
LB: oooo. I think I understand - good food in careful portions eaten mindfully is not something that comes as a reward for obeying rules or scheduels or other people - they come first! Hey? am I one of those people who puts others first instead of me? only others are not other people but other things I think matter more? abstract things?
LB: But what about when I'm tired
Righty: You know how to make lists - prepare
LB: OK, I can do that. So. Do you even want to be slender?
Righty: I don't care but I want to be healthy and strong
Bad food choices this week put pounds back on my body. There's nobody to blame but me and my choices - there are no good reasons for them - only excuses. I could hear myself making these bratty excuses even as I reached for the parmesan cheese and shook another 2 tablespoons on my pasta; even as I sat in front of the television and watched back episodes of Project Runway while I ate lunch; even as I had another slice of bread at dinnertime when I hadn't eaten enough vegetables during the day.
I knew I was not choosing the best for myself and did it anyway. I think I need a ... what is that fierce looking woman on the biggest loser named? Jillian ? ... I need someone growling at me from beside the refrigerator.
Well. No I don't. I am sure that would backfire.
So. What do I need?
I need to really really REALLY want a different body.
I need to believe that healthy eating is fun, interesting and easy (enough - being fun makes the work easier)
I need to believe that giving myself a treat isn't eating another ice cream bar - in fact, it probably isn't going to be food at all - but maybe - half an hour for meditation or an hour with the drawing pencils and some clean white paper or listening to Jacob Lindberg on the stereo system - while NOT multitasking with my hands.
Oh Oh I am getting something here - I am hearing Martha Beck telling me to "SIN! SIN! Substitute Inedible Nourishment!!"
Ack! How did I forget this?
oooo ... well ... Yes. I am seeing this. I'm afraid I am one of those busy do do do-er types who are always on the go. Although I don't aspire to any Type-A traits, I do often skirt very close to the Type A behavior. I had very demanding parents who were not only active and creative, but expected us to be Doing Something all the time. 100% of the time. Reading a novel for school homework was good - reading a novel for any other purpose was Not Good. This is just an ancient habit of mine and I can see how it played into a bad choice week. I planned to do a lot of exercise over this vacation and instead I pinched my sciatic nerve on Day 1 and that enforced inactivity prompted So Much Guilt ... after all - I was Wasting Time Just Sitting There - as if I could have gotten up. sheesh. Wasting Time = Bad Girl. Bad Girls just go eat chocolate, right?
Lordy what a stupid thought cycle.
Well. Aren't I lucky I'm not only still here to live another day - but I can make that day a brand new Day 1. I can put all the bad choices of this past week behind me and just start making good choices. And the first good choice is to go do my Powah Yogah routine and my second good choice will be to wish you all a Sweet Sunday.
The good news is my back - really my hip - is much better. I rested it yesterday and as the day worn on I felt better and better till today I can barely tell there had been a problem. Whew. Dodged a bullet there.
The better news is that I have kept my NoJunkFood resolution for 2 days. It helps that I'm not out in the world but, rather, cozied at home where there isn't any junk food, but I take my triumphs where I find them.
The best news of all is that we're going to go spend the day at the beach. I have a craving for ocean pleasure and we are headed to Virginia Beach - the closest ocean beach - to go get salty and windblown and sunned. I don't really want to spend the night but I really do want to hear waves crash on the shore and smell that salty breeze. I'll take my knitting. I'll take my camera and I'll take my sketch book. I ought to be set for the day.
There will be seafood eaten today but no junk food.
so here it is, Day 2 of my big push and I've done something to my back - pinched sciatic nerve I am guessing by the way it hurts across my hip. There are positions that are pain free, positions that hurt a little and a few that hurt like the very devil.
Hey this is not fair - I'm supposed to be on Vacation! Not out on sick leave. Wahhhh.
And how? Not from the yoga - though perhaps I'd loosened myself up too much - but from reaching in an odd position to brush the dog!
Well. Today I can lay low and nurse my aching back and if I'm out more than today I will just pick up with Day 3 as soon as I am better. And even if I can't move around much I can still stick to the No Junk Food rule. Himself has to go to the city today. I was supposed to go with him but that's definitely out now. Still and all, while he's out he can do a little grocery shopping for me. Watermelon. Yes. That's what I want. and some celery. Guess I'll have to make him a list.
ahh well. Some days are diamonds and some are stone.
Today is the first day of my vacation. I'm pleased that everything I had to do was completed and my schedule and desk are organized for when I return. I've been so clogged and caught up with work as I prepared for my long needed vacation I feel like it's time to Start Something Fresh.
In addition to finally getting a work break, this week I ramp up my Powah Yogah by moving to stage two of the Biggest Loser Yoga DVD.
The two falling together on the same day made the idea of a 4 week challenge irresistible. I'm extremely proud of myself for sticking with my Powah Yogah routine perfectly, in spite of 2 days when I gave serious thoughts to skipping the workout. for the past 2 weeks I've done PY every other day and 2 more gentle and spiritual sessions of yoga on the alternate days. If I can do this for 2 weeks I can do it for 4 more. The happy result so far is that those tighter clothes of mine fit better. Just think what it will be like after 4 weeks?
The plan is this:
First off - a small reward for not caving on the workout routine. I have a gift from a girlfriend that is intended to be a weight loss reward. Alas. I haven't lost any weight since she gave it to me but I think 2 weeks of PY deserves a reward. That gift gets opened today.
Next - today (really in about 20 minutes) I begin week 3 of the DVD - which is the same yoga moves with an additional ab routine using a weighted ball. I bought mine last week so I'm all ready to get started. Keep this up and in 2 weeks I get another small reward.
Third - I commit to more careful eating. I've been consistently over the calorie limits on the food tracker for weeks now. I've let Other Things be excuses for indulgences. If I look back over the past month of food trackers, there's junk food on every single day. So. For the next 28 days there will be no junk food. Period. I am not a junk person - why put junk food inside me. I may still go over my calorie limits during this 28 day period but ONLY if I do it with healthy natural deliberately eaten food. so that's actually 2 food things. No Junk Food and No Mindless Eating.
At the end of 4 weeks I'll come back with before and after measurements and share. If I am successful, sticking with the exercise program I get a day off from work. If I'm successful with the food program I also get to take a day off from work. If I'm successful with both - I get a day off from work AND cashmere yarn. enough for either a lace shawl or a sweater.
Happily - baring unforeseen things that nobody can prevent (I have aged parents) I don't see any stress in my life for the next 4 weeks so I can make it All About Me.