Thursday, April 08, 2010
I was so proud of myself for using calm kindness to choose to eat a little piece of cake on Sunday, which was a stressful day if ever there could be one one. Funny - when I ate a non-nutritious food with calm permission and loving kindness to myself, I only needed a little, had no trouble stopping when I no longer wanted any and it didn't leave me feeling stuffed, frustrated, down or any other of those baddie feelings.
But yesterday, when I was shopping and knew we were having company, and a party with kids this weekend, I purchased deserts and chips and such - Well. Harrumph. Lust was triggered - food lust - in my heart and I didn't resist it. I watched as I yielded to temptation, rapidly calculating in my brain just how far I was going to go over my calorie limit with another skinny cow frozen ice cream bar. Yes. I said another. This was true emotional eating.
I was lured by the images on the box. I was drawn by the promise of cold chocolaty goodness. I once again procrastinated my commitment to losing weight till ... tomorrow. At Tara.
The weird part of this was that I really was watching myself be a brat - insisting upon having my own way. My inner dictator is such a wuss. Unlike the martinets in the Marta Beck books, mine is more of a lazy overindulgent parent, giving in to the brat because it's easier than standing my ground. I think even my inner dictator must be fat!
Well, realization of making an error is a lot closer to change than mindless eating. Believe me - I was NOT mindless. If I hadn't had the stirrings of guilt hatching inside my conscience, those three ice cream bars would have tasted PERFECTLY delicious! Instead they were only good and I ate them too fast to really savor and enjoy them. There's always a price to pay when you violate your true north star path.
So. I count this whole experience as just a single step backwards .... which in my book, is still progress. And if it's not ... well ... I've got to get this house ready for company so I'll just have to think about it all tomorrow - at Tara.
Wednesday, April 07, 2010
I admit it. I am wildly partisan about my home state. I love our history. I love our geography. The music of the old tidewater accent, which still lingers in the conversation of the 50+ folk around here, lilts into my ears and makes me sigh and relax and start looking around for a gin and tonic. I have an inordinate pride at having been born here, delight in being able to survive our hostile summers, enjoy the infrequent snowy winters we get, and absolutely relish our glorious springs and autumns which are warm enough to go barefoot and leave doors and windows open, crisp enough to wear sweaters and mittens.
Each spring there will be 8 to 10 weeks when I can leave my front door open in the morning while I putter about the house and goof off here on the computer. I must explain that there are no screens on the front door. It's a wide double door made from a set of interior parlor dividers we picked up at a salvage yard, lo, those decades ago when Himself built the house.
I say built with no reservations. Every evening for three years he came home from work and sawed, hammered, nailed, plumbed, screwed, wired, and everything else one has to do to build a house. Now and then he had friends with him who helped - there was a time when Ed, Ned, Ted and Fred were working on this house. I swear it. Not a joke. But the bulk of it he did all by his lonesome. (there is a back story about why I did NOT help but that is for another time) I have never known anyone with such an ability to finish a project as he has and I admire it with all the fervor of an ENFP who, in fact, grieves, when she comes to completion and can take no pride in her accomplishments till long after they have faded into history.
Now in our comfortable middle age we have gotten a little too lazy to push for a front screen door. Since there are enormous windows with screens in them, it's not too important anyway, but the delight of coming down in the morning, sometimes while stars still flicker between the thin leafy lace of the April trees, and just leaving the door open so that the sweetness of freshly turned earth from the farm fields and the wake-me-up songs of birds vieing for territory can drift over the threshold is a sweetness beyond description. A shivery tingly giddy sweetness I wish I could box up and send to all my loved ones.
And so. today there is nothing here about diet or weight or nutrition or exercise. Today it's all about how blissful it is when April comes and I can leave the front door open. Wont you step inside?
Tuesday, April 06, 2010
Thank you all for your sweet kind loving support yesterday. Mama is improving and though she's still in hospital, I am sure she will be released soon. And truth is - Mama doesn't mind being in hospital. She loves to be waited on and she loves to lie abed. And she is a former nurse so she likes to chat with the nurses about the way things have changed.
It struck me yesterday that I would like to begin a journal to write down the things I want to remember about my parents. they were challenging parents and yet typical of their era, and yet magically special. My relationship with my mother was not just life shaping but wonderful. I can count on one hand the times she and I did not get along. My dad was extremely difficult and yet .. also very special and he gave me things I treasure to this day.
I suspect most of us have this feeling ... that our parents were the best or at least the most colorful ... or most gentle or most whatever it is we value in them. It isn't as if I've forgotten the darker side ... and there was one ... but that I don't have to keep that part. I can just keep the precious stuff while knowing there was trash I threw away.
But the truth is, I know there are things I've already forgotten, though I love to pull out happy memories and savor them, look over them, enjoy them, as if they were jewels in a Queen's vault - and I'm the queen! So I believe I will start writing them down. Maybe someday there will be a grandson or granddaughter who would like to read them. Or maybe, like in a Nicholas sparks novel, one day my son will come to the nursing home and read them to me.
So. May you go to your Place of Thinner Peace today and pull out a treasured memory.
And may you feel the thanks I feel that you are my friend.
Monday, April 05, 2010
because all the messages I've been receiving about making choices and living my life from the watcher point of view and calming Custard, my inner lizard, and soothing my inner dictator ...
all this for the express purpose of losing weight by living in a calmer state
coalesced into a huge security blanket - or support beam - yesterday when I spent 8 hours in the emergency room with my mom - who, it seems, suffered a mini-stroke sometime yesterday, just before Dad and I got to her place for an Easter lunch.
When it became apparent to me that she needed to be seen by a doctor, the rest of the day ended up being one of those excruciatingly long stretches spent in the grey helplessness of an emergency room. the 2 hours it took to see doctors on a holiday seemed almost generous but the 6 more hours spent waiting for her to be admitted dragged on forever. I had lots of opportunities to go to my watcher place and think about life and death and sadness and joy and what I could possibly find to eat after 9 pm on Easter Sunday, when I would finally be able to leave the building and head home.
And that peaceful state ... that allowed for the possibility of death but didn't panic - that heard the WildChild say "Cake! Me wants Cake!" and thought about it and said "okay, if it's only 200 calories worth of cake you can have the richest gooiest cake you can find at Seven-11" Which it did. and which turned out to be about 1/4 of a slice. But WildChild was perfectly happy to throw the other 3/4's away since she got the piece she wanted.
And mama is much better. But she is very old and there will be an ER visit that doesn't have such a good ending. I'm just glad it didn't turn out to be yesterday.
Sunday, April 04, 2010
More Martha Beck talk today - because when Bess is struck with what her Big Darling calls "Bess' Passions" she really likes to share.
So - Thinner Peace is that state when you have calmed your Wild Child and reassured your Dictator ... when you say to them "May you be well. May you be free from fear. May you know that I love you as a part of me that helps keep me safe."
Just typing that starts the peaceful juices flowing through me so I think I will spend a lot of time in the Place of Thinner Peace. PTP. (oh. dear. I am SUCH a sucker for acronyms.) It's rather fun to go there and just look around - ask myself, once the two warring factions have called a truce, "How do I feel?" Not JUST as far as food goes, though I spent a LOT of time there yesterday asking those questions, but also about work, or about being ticked off at Someone who might be sucking up my limited home time asking for help with his hobbies. All sorts of stress type triggers can be looked at from the PTP and seen for what they are, not what either the frightened the Wild Child or offended the Dictator thinks they are.
In fact, this trick of stepping back from the emotions I'm feeling seems a lot like what my Lenten Project was about. If you remember, I was to snap a rubber band whenever I got ticked off at someone or some thing or some situation, and then write out ways to deal with it. So I see now that I was headed in that direction all along. A little Dictator-ish with the rubber band snap and all, but still headed straight.
I had lots of opportunities yesterday to ask myself "So how do you feel about food right now?" and sometimes I was hungry and so I ate, and sometimes I wasn't and so I didn't. But never once, even in the 50% off Easter Candy Aisles in Walmart where I did have to get some Other Things yesterday, did I feel attacked or in any sort of food danger. I just breezed by, armoured in my cloak of Thinner Peace.
And as this is the day of the Prince of Peace's triumph - I wish all of you who celebrate Easter a special peaceful joy filled holiday and for those who do not, may you have the peace and joy as well.
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