Saturday, February 27, 2010
Longer than what? you ask
Longer than any struggles, setbacks, hurdles, difficulties, doubts and frustrations. Today is a difficult day for me. It's tough because I snuck off with Mr.Scale and peeked at my weight and it is not what I wanted to see. I peeked because I know I have been slap dash with the program this week and I'm going to write about that tomorrow - on my official weigh in day and also the end of the month.
But today I am going to write about something else - something important for me to cling to. something I found on the SP message boards in the Staying Motivated Forum, topic Say One Positive Thing About Yourself Each day www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/messageb
I went looking because I can feel the frustration and disappointment with myself building inside. It's going to be a restaurant day, taking my wheelchair riding dad to some fat laden restaurant for our monthly visit. If I'm already feeling sorry for myself - or worse! - feeling like a weakling, like the fat daughter of fat parents from the fat family - well. This is a hurdle for sure.
Mind now - I love my family and accept them at any weight or size and I have a sister who's here with me on SP and we ARE making progress. But today is a hurdle day and I was on the lookout for something that I could hold on to on a tough day.
and sure enough I found it. When I tried to think o something positive about myself that I could use my mind cast back to the 1990's and the building of our new library - and there it was - the hand-hold I was looking for - right there within my personality.
Our community is not a poverty stricken one but it always falls in the Below the Median line whenever the state looks at economic factors. We're small - 10,000 people and back in 1994 we were even smaller. There are pleanty of other challenging demographics I could site but I like that 10K population figure because it's an easy number to imagine whenever I'm talking about the wonderful thing our community did. And with this story, I will take credit for being the single candle that never ever blew out no matter what.
When my library board decided to build a new library (in response to my constant prodding) the estimated amount of money we would have to raise was $700,000. Nobody in my county had ever raised that kind of money from local fundraisers before. The schools had all been built with federal money and the surrounding small counties like ours had all built their libraries with at least large chunks of federal dollars. Yes. I know that ALL government dollars come from the localities ... from individuals ... but it is easier to apply for a federal grant than it is to knock on your next door neighbor's door, when asking for money.
And on my board there were people who shook their head and said "you'll never get that much money out of this community - it just isn't here".
and my answer always was .... "There are 700 families who can donate $250 a year for 4 years because even MY family, paying for college tuition right now, can do that. It's less than a coke a day!" And right then I decided that I would NEVER give up. NEVER quit. No matter what things blocked our way I would out last them. I would believe and I would be positive and never once did I think "oh I'm sick of this. We'll never get there. I quit".
It took us not 4 years, but 6 years to raise that money. But we did raise it and more. In the end we raised one million dollars from the pockets of 10,000 people or about 2,500 families. And we gave them the most beautiful library - it opened 10 years ago and it still looks like a new building. The grand opening was the biggest event the county ever did and it wasn't till our high school football team became state champions this past fall that anything pulled us together quite so completely.
And we did it because we - especially I - never ever gave up. When someone would come to me down hearted I'd look them in the eye with steel and a twinkle and say "Don't worry. We'll do this because we can last longer than this problem. "
And we did.
And by golly - no matter what the official weigh in is tomorrow ... No matter how long this takes ... No matter what looms up ahead - I am going to reach my goals, because
I CAN LAST LONGER THAN ANY OBSTACLE
And can't you see all sorts of SP tricks and tools in this story? Small steps, patience, positive self-talks, belief. They're all there. And if I did it before, by golly, I can do it again!
And now I'm going to go do some yoga to add the finishing change to my mood.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Thank you my dear spark friends for the swift rallying round me on yesterday's blog. I have to admit, I was of two minds about posting that story because, in truth, I wasn't all that upset about my straying on Wednesday. I decided to write about it, though, because I want this blog to reflect my real journey - which includes the successes and the failures. Or perhaps I should say the right turns and the .... left turns. (almost wrote wrong turns)
It was too bad that I couldn't resist buying (and eating) both the sandwich AND the olives, dripping in olive oil. Too bad I succumbed to the lure of freshly ground beef. Really too bad I'd left those chocolate chip cookies in the house when I could have shared them with my staff or ... for heaven's sake ... thrown them away. too bad.
but what is So Good - what is the greatest non-scale victory of them all is that yesterday I hopped up, ate healthy, did a gentle, slightly shorter yoga session, and breezed through the day in a cheerful mood. Not because I had to force myself to Do The Right Thing but because I couldn't wait to do it. As if Wednesday had been a trip and Thursday it was over and I was back home in my familiar favorite territory. Yup. The greatest victory of all is when - regardless of size, weight or anything else - the healthy day is the most fun!
May all your days be healthy ones.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Yesterday was a bad day
It was a lovely day but not a healthy SP day for me. It started out okay but derailed in the late afternoon. It left me just a tiny bit shaken - but I am sure it was in a good way. Certainly it was a day that gave me lots of things to think about.
First off - I gave myself a day off from exercise. A tendon in my left hamstring was a little tender and I thought I'd give it a rest. I was okay with this but it was the first thing to sort of interrupt the routine. Planned interruption but still a change.
Breakfast was okay
Lunch was fast food. My favorite fast food lunch is Taco Bell's Fresco burrito - it is filling and usually holds me all day. I checked the nutrition page ahead of time and thought I'd try the steak fresco burrito supreme for a change - usually I like the bean burrito fresco style ... lunch under $1.00
Mistake - It did NOT fill me up. Even the apple I had in the car didn't help.
After shopping and 2 hours at a new doctor and lab work (always stressful for me - hard to find veins) I was STARVING. In addition - the doctor's scale first weighed me at 166 - with clothes on I am okay with this ... then, as the nurse started to write that down it leapt up to 171! then went back down to 170.
Now. I know it's just a machine but here is this machine just wiping out all the effort I've put in over 2 months! What is going on? (I'm a64.5 again this morning, naked, on my own scales, btw)
An inventory of my body to see what nutritious snack would make me feel good came up with Banana - but at the high end grocery store I stopped at (no point in going to Food Lion - we have that at home) their bananas were all green. Nary a ripe one in the store. I had to do some serious inventorying and but I was also fighting the deli section's aromas on this empty growling tummy. I decided on a sandwich and found one that looked good. Then I saw the olive bar - not something I have access to unless I go to the city. And filled a tub with treats.
Which I broke into in the car before I was out of the parking lot. The half a sandwich was also delicious and you know ... if I had stopped there I would have been just fine. Alas - it was not to be. I had also picked up some top quality ground beef - not lean, but so beautiful which I cooked up for my husband for his dinner when I got home - and for me. Yes I did not forgo dinner EVEN THOUGH I WAS NOT HUNGRY. Yep. I ate smaller dinner than I would normally have - but there wasn't any real desire for it. How can I eat when I am NOT hungry? why do I and what is the nutso message that flies through my brain at times like that?
Of course the final damage was the chocolate chip cookies that I ate after dinner - after nutrition tracking - after I was already full. Those, as I ate them, felt like sulking. They were true "I already blew it - what difference does it make" cookies.
Ugh. What a stupid way to end a day.
so. so. so we must get back on the wagon and thankfully the sun always does roll around and give us another day to do that - Today to be specific.
And what did I learn?
1. I will go overboard if i go into a fancy grocery store when hungry.
2. I probably ought to buy only ONE special treat at a high end grocery store
3. It's okay to eat when I'm hungry even if it ruins my appetite for dinner BUT
4. It is not okay to eat dinner when I'm not. My husband does not insist I cook for or eat with him if I'm not hungry. I do NOT have to eat a meal just because "It's Dinner Time".
5. It's always risky to have cookies in the house. It is better to bake only enough for one sitting. Then, when they're gone - they're gone.
Well. that was yesterday. This is today. All sorts of good things can happen today.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
She lurks around all the corners of my life, skulking and laying low only to slip in and yank at my ankle so I fall flat on my face when I least expect it. I've worked hard to approach my exercise with a B+ attitude; my eating with with that 80/20 point of view. I've spent time listing and monitoring Non Scale Victories and given myself all sorts of positive self talks.
Yet still she lingers, ever hopeful of claiming a role in my life. Despite the difficulties she's encountered with my new yoga calmness, she caught me this month in the silliest of areas.
I can't seem to make my Dream Visual board - I forget what it's called here but it's a collage of images of my goals. I've bought magazines, paper, posterboards. I've looked at family photos and scrapbooking websites and, oh heck, just all kinds of things that could be used to make a visual.
And I haven't liked anything I've seen. Well, I love to look at old photographs, but even with the photos I've found I haven't been able to put it into a visual. I've given this thing an awful lot of power. That's partly because I do believe in the power of visualizing and I certainly don't want to dream about something I don't really want - some lackluster half-way image of the dream goals for Bess. And then, I am something of the crafty sort - certainly the creative type. And therein I think is my downfall. My ego is tied up with the things I create. I am not one to be satisfied with what I consider an amateurish attempt.
Lawsee! this is the silliest thing I've ever seen about me. Haven't I learned yet that baby steps are the way out of a corner and into something wonderful? So what if this first visual is not worthy of the National Gallery or MOMA! I can make fifty visual aids if I want and only keep the best one.
but if I don't make that first one I'll never be able to make the one I really identify with. Goofy Silly me. Well. Harrumph. I will not be defeated by that wicked lady Perfectionism. I will make something by the end of the month and even hang it in the kitchen where I'll see it every day. And then ... if it doesn't thrill me I will start another until I have the one I really want to look at for a while.
Begone thou wicked lady ... No Perfection Allowed Here! I am BESS the Queen of B+
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