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Tumbling off the wagon and thinking my way back on

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Yesterday was a bad day

Or rather

It was a lovely day but not a healthy SP day for me. It started out okay but derailed in the late afternoon. It left me just a tiny bit shaken - but I am sure it was in a good way. Certainly it was a day that gave me lots of things to think about.

First off - I gave myself a day off from exercise. A tendon in my left hamstring was a little tender and I thought I'd give it a rest. I was okay with this but it was the first thing to sort of interrupt the routine. Planned interruption but still a change.

Breakfast was okay

Lunch was fast food. My favorite fast food lunch is Taco Bell's Fresco burrito - it is filling and usually holds me all day. I checked the nutrition page ahead of time and thought I'd try the steak fresco burrito supreme for a change - usually I like the bean burrito fresco style ... lunch under $1.00

Mistake - It did NOT fill me up. Even the apple I had in the car didn't help.

After shopping and 2 hours at a new doctor and lab work (always stressful for me - hard to find veins) I was STARVING. In addition - the doctor's scale first weighed me at 166 - with clothes on I am okay with this ... then, as the nurse started to write that down it leapt up to 171! then went back down to 170.

Now. I know it's just a machine but here is this machine just wiping out all the effort I've put in over 2 months! What is going on? (I'm a64.5 again this morning, naked, on my own scales, btw)

An inventory of my body to see what nutritious snack would make me feel good came up with Banana - but at the high end grocery store I stopped at (no point in going to Food Lion - we have that at home) their bananas were all green. Nary a ripe one in the store. I had to do some serious inventorying and but I was also fighting the deli section's aromas on this empty growling tummy. I decided on a sandwich and found one that looked good. Then I saw the olive bar - not something I have access to unless I go to the city. And filled a tub with treats.

Which I broke into in the car before I was out of the parking lot. The half a sandwich was also delicious and you know ... if I had stopped there I would have been just fine. Alas - it was not to be. I had also picked up some top quality ground beef - not lean, but so beautiful which I cooked up for my husband for his dinner when I got home - and for me. Yes I did not forgo dinner EVEN THOUGH I WAS NOT HUNGRY. Yep. I ate smaller dinner than I would normally have - but there wasn't any real desire for it. How can I eat when I am NOT hungry? why do I and what is the nutso message that flies through my brain at times like that?

Of course the final damage was the chocolate chip cookies that I ate after dinner - after nutrition tracking - after I was already full. Those, as I ate them, felt like sulking. They were true "I already blew it - what difference does it make" cookies.

Ugh. What a stupid way to end a day.

so. so. so we must get back on the wagon and thankfully the sun always does roll around and give us another day to do that - Today to be specific.

And what did I learn?

1. I will go overboard if i go into a fancy grocery store when hungry.
2. I probably ought to buy only ONE special treat at a high end grocery store
3. It's okay to eat when I'm hungry even if it ruins my appetite for dinner BUT
4. It is not okay to eat dinner when I'm not. My husband does not insist I cook for or eat with him if I'm not hungry. I do NOT have to eat a meal just because "It's Dinner Time".
5. It's always risky to have cookies in the house. It is better to bake only enough for one sitting. Then, when they're gone - they're gone.

Well. that was yesterday. This is today. All sorts of good things can happen today. emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CRAVE_FREE 2/26/2010 1:59PM

    Sorry yesterday was bad for you, but it sounds to me like you never abandoned all thought and just ate; you were mindful. That's still a step in the right direction. It is so great you learned from yesterday and you stayed positive and are looking on the bright side today!

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MSLZZY 2/25/2010 10:24PM

    Walk away from it having learned another good lesson.

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SANDYJAS 2/25/2010 2:28PM

    Well, I don't see it so much as falling off the wagon as I see it being human. I think we all just have those days. You did a great job just accepting yourself, and getting right back to plan. That little voice that says "you blew it anyways, you might as well _____" is the one that always gets me in trouble!

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HARPERLADY 2/25/2010 9:46AM


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JKTENTATIVE 2/25/2010 8:45AM

    I am soooo sympathetic to you...and I don't know what you could have done differently so that you would have had a different outcome. You could have been describing me...watching myself do stuff I know I don't want to do, and then compounding the problem. I am hopeful that someone can give you advice on an alternative path you might have taken that would have nipped this in the bud so that next time you find yourself in that predicament again, you will have a new tool. Other then getting on the computer and posting a "help me" SP message, I can't think of what you could have done.
-- In the meantime, be sure to drink lots and lots of water today and don't weigh yourself for a week.

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JLITT62 2/25/2010 8:04AM

    All sorts of good things WILL happen today.

We all have days like that. They are frustrating, to be sure, but they're just one day. They don't define us.

Guess what? I'm a hard stick, too. I don't mind a jab in my finger, but oh how I hate blood draws.

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TRACIWRIGHT79 2/25/2010 8:00AM

    Awesome, I am not the only one who has bad days! Not that I wish a bad day on anyone, just nice to know I am in good company! Yesterday is over and today is a new day! This is a long term commitment to change that doesn't have to stop because of one bad day! If it does anything for you, we ALL have these days! I am so glad you are here this morning and self aware and ready to get back in the game! WE CAN DO IT!!!!! emoticon

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RITAROSE 2/25/2010 7:51AM

  I love how you reviewed what to do in the future! Sounds to me like you learned some valuable lessons. If, after we make bad decisions, we are brave enough to do the review and decide to follow a different route we are making successful choices and the lesson was worth it!! I still struggle with facing my failure and doing a review of what went wrong and how to fix it in the future. Little by little, and by others great examples (yours included!) I'm inspired to do the necessary work to change my bad habits!
Thank you so much for your blog, it helps me tons!! And, CONGRATULATIONS on facing the tiger!! Have a super day!! emoticon emoticon emoticonRitarose

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That devil Perfectionism

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

emoticonShe lurks around all the corners of my life, skulking and laying low only to slip in and yank at my ankle so I fall flat on my face when I least expect it. I've worked hard to approach my exercise with a B+ attitude; my eating with with that 80/20 point of view. I've spent time listing and monitoring Non Scale Victories and given myself all sorts of positive self talks.

Yet still she lingers, ever hopeful of claiming a role in my life. Despite the difficulties she's encountered with my new yoga calmness, she caught me this month in the silliest of areas.

I can't seem to make my Dream Visual board - I forget what it's called here but it's a collage of images of my goals. I've bought magazines, paper, posterboards. I've looked at family photos and scrapbooking websites and, oh heck, just all kinds of things that could be used to make a visual.

And I haven't liked anything I've seen. Well, I love to look at old photographs, but even with the photos I've found I haven't been able to put it into a visual. I've given this thing an awful lot of power. That's partly because I do believe in the power of visualizing and I certainly don't want to dream about something I don't really want - some lackluster half-way image of the dream goals for Bess. And then, I am something of the crafty sort - certainly the creative type. And therein I think is my downfall. My ego is tied up with the things I create. I am not one to be satisfied with what I consider an amateurish attempt.

Lawsee! this is the silliest thing I've ever seen about me. Haven't I learned yet that baby steps are the way out of a corner and into something wonderful? So what if this first visual is not worthy of the National Gallery or MOMA! I can make fifty visual aids if I want and only keep the best one.

but if I don't make that first one I'll never be able to make the one I really identify with. Goofy Silly me. Well. Harrumph. I will not be defeated by that wicked lady Perfectionism. I will make something by the end of the month and even hang it in the kitchen where I'll see it every day. And then ... if it doesn't thrill me I will start another until I have the one I really want to look at for a while.

Begone thou wicked lady ... No Perfection Allowed Here! I am BESS the Queen of B+

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUSTDUCKY1405 2/24/2010 1:25PM

    Bang Up! Progress not perfection!

Great blog!

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  emoticon I keep myself from creating as well, forgetting that to do something better, sometimes you have to do it badly first and not only that but you just have to DO IT! Good luck to you on making your first board and however many come hereafter!

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SHEILA1505 2/24/2010 7:47AM

    I am sooooooo with you! I had a lovely one that 85% came about in one way or another and I decided to get more specific and took it to pieces, collected other stuff, divided it into 3 boxes and created a Cape Town/South Africa one which I delights me.
I have not made time for myself to get a quiet space and enjoy dreaming and working on the next one - but I will - and it will be soon

Meanwhile - let's not beat ourselves up about it - I agree that we don't want to put up anything we don't really want

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ALEXTHEHUNN 2/24/2010 7:35AM

    Yay for you! I loved reading this and applaud your insight. I believe that all too often we reject what is good while looking for what is perfect and end up achieving neither. Good for you for realizing that. Now, all we have to do is figure out how to do it. emoticon

Great blog,


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FIREBELLY 2/24/2010 7:31AM

    I chuckle because I know that wicked lady myself! But you're right, of course. Start with one image on the page and go from there. Make many. Pretty soon you will be CEO of your own "See the Dream" company. But, if you're like me, you STILL won't be able to pick out your favorite one -- you'll like parts of all of them!

Good luck ... go forth ... and may the anti-perfectionistic fairies follow you!


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Love your feet yet another yoga-thought post

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I did not mean to make a series of posts about what I am gleaning from yoga but I did want to talk a little about one other thing I feel is important and that is Loving Your Body.

I bet Im not alone when I speak of those hurtful moments when Ive hated some part of my body looked at a stomach and despised it; turned my eyes away from a mirror that reflected back puffy cheeks; sighed at a profile view in the full length mirror and then lumbered away with slumped shoulders. I know I have heard other women bemoan or even insult their hips, their thighs, their bellies in terms that breaks my heart especially when theyre a loved friend of family member.

Happily I have gotten away from real self loathing time has a way of doing that, plus knowing I have value in other areas besides my ornamental properties. Self dissatisfaction? Yes. There has been some of that but only the healthy type that got me here as a sparker.

As Ive said if youre going to do yoga you really need to tune in to your body, including all its bits and pieces and its really difficult to dislike something youre paying attention to examining what its doing, noting how it is moving, holding you, surrounding you. The other day as I was stepping out of the shower I really fell in love with my feet. A glance down at my belly and I feel this warm affection for something that is me. This is not a narcissistic focus all tied up with competitive comparisons to others and my place in the beauty hierarchy (are her hips bigger than mine? Is my stomach rounder than hers?). This is a deep and wondering enchantment with the glorious bodies weve been given, from within which we act out our lives.

I cant remember when, if ever, I have felt the rush of love I feel for my pets while contemplating my toes! But concentrating on what those feet are doing in mountain pose has given me a new appreciation for what those toes do for me all day long how they get me here and there, over hurdles, through city streets and across my own farm fields. Yes. Yoga has taught me to love my feet. And the world can always use a little more love.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HARPERLADY 2/24/2010 6:56AM

    wonderful post, I think we all needed that reminder of what are body does for us , , well put emoticon

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SHEILA1505 2/24/2010 4:37AM

    I am so fortunate that my family paid serious attention to the care of feet, correctly fitting shoes & hygiene, etc, and although mine are wide (good for swimming etc) I think they are quite attractive. I give myself pedicures at home and look after them well. They have many more years of work ahead of them and I intend treating them with the respect that I shall give to the rest of my body.

Hopefully I can get back to Yoga next week.

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MSLZZY 2/23/2010 5:19PM

    So true and positive! Thank you for drawing attention that we need to love all of our body parts! Self-love is awesome!

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JLITT62 2/23/2010 5:02PM

    I must say I don't give my feet a whole lot of thought. My legs, yes -- not necessarily in a bad way (well, not most of the time), but just thankful that they carry me where I need to go, and can dance or run or ice skate or swim, all the things I love to do (while not necessarily being good at them).

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More yoga thoughts

Monday, February 22, 2010

Thanks y'all for your kind comments.

I did want to explain that, although I am new to yoga, I am not new to meditation and making my body still. You see - no matter what body goals or health goals or financial or friendship or anything else goal - most of my life has been on the quest for my spiritual goals - which can be summed up by saying I'm on the quest to return to God. You may use any other word that means the soul's center or the source or whatever you want to call it. I don't care what words people use - for me God is the word of comfort and memory and the whole purpose of my life really is to return to that source. And it is the most wonderful journey I can imagine taking. I'm grateful every day for having been given this opportunity called Life.

In my search for more and better ways to make my journey I've tried all sorts of things and one of them was meditation. I was such a jiggedy flighty sort of person I thought I'd never ever be able to still my mind but with the use of meditation tapes I've learned to really get still. I began with Dr. Edward Taub's 7 Steps to Healing book and tapes -

picking and choosing what I wanted to use from them - they were of enormous help in learning to still myself, though, at the time I neither learned yoga nor became a vegetarian.

Later I experimented with another very good meditation guru Glenn Harrold

and last winter I used Paul McKenna's I Can Make You Thin CD and books

All good tools and certainly all of them have helped me listen to my body. Moving into yoga now seems like the right thing to do. I'm working with home a tape by Patricia Walden Yoga for Beginners

This video (or CD) is soooo good because she explains everything you're supposed to be doing and what you're looking for and postures to avoid.

There is a good yoga class in town (where I work) but when I tried it I realized that they were too far ahead of me and were working at a pace I couldn't keep up with. I may drop by the class on Wednesday to see how I do with it and eventually I want to take more classes because I want to advance and there are positions that I think are too risky to try alone and unsupervised. I have way too much respect for qualified teachers and too little trust in my 57 year old body to risk back bends on my own - much less - the longed for pinnacle of doing Lord of the Dance pose.

But there - one day that will be a photograph of me!

ooof - already late for work. Happy Monday to you all!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUSTDUCKY1405 2/22/2010 11:47AM

    Very well said about your journey to bring you closer to God!

At Church at the beginning of Advent last year, the 4 weeks before Christmas, there were those wanting to join our congregation... and they were asked to come up and share what it is they are trying to do...

There were lots of responses, but the one that stuck out to me, and actually made me tear right up with emotion, was when the one woman spoke up and said, "I am on a journey to bring me closer to GOD!"

The way she said it, how it came out, and the true love and meaning that emancipated from it was so touching and striking, I literally couldn't hold my emotions! I suppose, because I too felt exactly as she did, and I could sense that she truly got it... even if I wasn't aware at the moment, that I truly got it!

So, you can see why your comment would strike a chord with me, because you truly get it, and how blessed a life you will and are leading, because of that!

I know I am not perfect... sometimes I down right suck... fluctuating moods, levels of joy, but ultimately, I am on a journey to find GOD! That's really all that matters!

Thanks for this reinforcement of my faith!

Comment edited on: 2/22/2010 11:48:29 AM

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JLITT62 2/22/2010 10:24AM

    I think you can do Lord of the Dance on your own -- backbends are another thing.

I'd like to try headstands, but am hesitant to try that on my own. Not so long ago I read an article about all the really bizarre things that can happen to you if you practice yoga the wrong way -- like strokes! -- and that did sort of scare me. Not enough to not continue with yoga, but enough to respect certain poses more.

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MSLZZY 2/22/2010 10:15AM

    Continue on your quest to find what works for you and compliments the wonderful journey you embarked on. I wish that we had yoga classes here.
I think I could get started on my own so now would be the time, right?

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21 Days of Yoga

Sunday, February 21, 2010

emoticonActually, I've been doing yoga a little longer than that but on Friday, which I believe actually was day 21, I had the most wonderful sensation of my feet being rooted to the earth and having the power to lift me up from one of the more challenging positions. It was a fleeting sensation and I haven't really been able to repeat it but I'm confident that will come with time.

but have I told you how much I love yoga? lovelovelove it?

(Of course I have - I never shut up about anything that ignites my passion)

But what else have I learned from my three week love affair?

1. How much of my day I spend hunched over things - shoulders forward, chest pushing down towards my hips - like that lab assistant, Igor! Wow.

2. How if I press the tailbone down it makes my stomach flatter! woo woo

3. How that lifts my lower ribcage and takes pressure off the lower spine - hey nice!

4. That it's not about thrusting shoulders back like a West Point plebe - it's about pulling the muscles away from the sternum both vertically and laterally and when you do that your shoulders just automatically line up and your arms swing freely.

5. How relaxing it is when you line your head up over your shoulders - ahhhhh

6. That if I do a body check in each pose - Feet firmly planted? Calves hugging my leg, thigh muscles lifting my knee cap, tailbone down, pelvis lined up, sternum well stretched, shoulder blades hugging the spine, ears lined up with the spine, face relaxed - not only will I move to the next pose more easily and hold it longer BUT

7. throughout the day my body, that I've once again gotten to know and listen to and feel, will often tell me what it needs nutritionally. It will say "Hey - I'm thirsty" or "Man I could do with some green things." or "I need to rebuild myself. give me some protein".

And that is the thing I want most in my life. A body I listen to and nurture. I don't mind - no - I am deeply grateful for all the information that the experts can give me about good health - but more than anything else I want my body to tell me what it needs. Or rather - I want to hear my body speak and respond to its needs with what it asks for.

I feel like that will put an end to the craving thing, the fear of food and foodie situations, and the state of mindless denial that, over time, packed those pounds on this body. I truly believe there is an Optimal Body for Bess up ahead and I want to step into it and live there for the rest of my life.

May you all get to go live in your Optimal Body!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CRAVE_FREE 2/22/2010 8:59AM

    Yoga sounds like an enlightening experience. It would be wonderful to be so intune with our bodies. Sounds like you've got a lot of us intrigued to try it out. Hope you find some more moments of feeling powerful!

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JUSTDUCKY1405 2/21/2010 6:22PM

    That's how I feel too! I have really been able to tune into my bodies and my bodies needs... yoga, meditation, awareness! Mind/Body/Soul!

Great blog! Love your enthusiasm for yoga! You are definitely going to make a great yoga teacher one day, as I aspire to be as well!

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HARPERLADY 2/21/2010 12:44PM

    wow! gets me motivated to start it up again, I start it in past but never follow thru, thanks for your post emoticon

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JLITT62 2/21/2010 10:28AM

    Wow! I've been doing yoga off & on a long time but I don't think I've learned nearly as much as you have in all that time!

What a GREAT blog -- thanks for sharing with us.

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PUDLECRAZY 2/21/2010 8:33AM

    Lovely progress! Yoga is wonderful!

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SHEILA1505 2/21/2010 8:09AM

    So THAT is why I feel as if I am floating after I finish a Yoga class - I am really looking forward to saying goodbye to my painter-man so I can go to classes again as I have really been missing them. I had only just started going again after a gap of a few years - and was getting to enjoy it more rather than be frustrated cos I couldn't do some of the moves.

Maybe March will be the start of regular Yoga for me again :)

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ROCKMAMA72 2/21/2010 7:58AM

    I feel the same about pilates! I'm hoping to invest in a yoga class with a seasoned instructor.

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HANSEEN 2/21/2010 7:56AM

    I have been thinking of starting yoga myself, at 24 hr fitness

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