Thursday, February 25, 2010
Yesterday was a bad day
It was a lovely day but not a healthy SP day for me. It started out okay but derailed in the late afternoon. It left me just a tiny bit shaken - but I am sure it was in a good way. Certainly it was a day that gave me lots of things to think about.
First off - I gave myself a day off from exercise. A tendon in my left hamstring was a little tender and I thought I'd give it a rest. I was okay with this but it was the first thing to sort of interrupt the routine. Planned interruption but still a change.
Breakfast was okay
Lunch was fast food. My favorite fast food lunch is Taco Bell's Fresco burrito - it is filling and usually holds me all day. I checked the nutrition page ahead of time and thought I'd try the steak fresco burrito supreme for a change - usually I like the bean burrito fresco style ... lunch under $1.00
Mistake - It did NOT fill me up. Even the apple I had in the car didn't help.
After shopping and 2 hours at a new doctor and lab work (always stressful for me - hard to find veins) I was STARVING. In addition - the doctor's scale first weighed me at 166 - with clothes on I am okay with this ... then, as the nurse started to write that down it leapt up to 171! then went back down to 170.
Now. I know it's just a machine but here is this machine just wiping out all the effort I've put in over 2 months! What is going on? (I'm a64.5 again this morning, naked, on my own scales, btw)
An inventory of my body to see what nutritious snack would make me feel good came up with Banana - but at the high end grocery store I stopped at (no point in going to Food Lion - we have that at home) their bananas were all green. Nary a ripe one in the store. I had to do some serious inventorying and but I was also fighting the deli section's aromas on this empty growling tummy. I decided on a sandwich and found one that looked good. Then I saw the olive bar - not something I have access to unless I go to the city. And filled a tub with treats.
Which I broke into in the car before I was out of the parking lot. The half a sandwich was also delicious and you know ... if I had stopped there I would have been just fine. Alas - it was not to be. I had also picked up some top quality ground beef - not lean, but so beautiful which I cooked up for my husband for his dinner when I got home - and for me. Yes I did not forgo dinner EVEN THOUGH I WAS NOT HUNGRY. Yep. I ate smaller dinner than I would normally have - but there wasn't any real desire for it. How can I eat when I am NOT hungry? why do I and what is the nutso message that flies through my brain at times like that?
Of course the final damage was the chocolate chip cookies that I ate after dinner - after nutrition tracking - after I was already full. Those, as I ate them, felt like sulking. They were true "I already blew it - what difference does it make" cookies.
Ugh. What a stupid way to end a day.
so. so. so we must get back on the wagon and thankfully the sun always does roll around and give us another day to do that - Today to be specific.
And what did I learn?
1. I will go overboard if i go into a fancy grocery store when hungry.
2. I probably ought to buy only ONE special treat at a high end grocery store
3. It's okay to eat when I'm hungry even if it ruins my appetite for dinner BUT
4. It is not okay to eat dinner when I'm not. My husband does not insist I cook for or eat with him if I'm not hungry. I do NOT have to eat a meal just because "It's Dinner Time".
5. It's always risky to have cookies in the house. It is better to bake only enough for one sitting. Then, when they're gone - they're gone.
Well. that was yesterday. This is today. All sorts of good things can happen today.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
She lurks around all the corners of my life, skulking and laying low only to slip in and yank at my ankle so I fall flat on my face when I least expect it. I've worked hard to approach my exercise with a B+ attitude; my eating with with that 80/20 point of view. I've spent time listing and monitoring Non Scale Victories and given myself all sorts of positive self talks.
Yet still she lingers, ever hopeful of claiming a role in my life. Despite the difficulties she's encountered with my new yoga calmness, she caught me this month in the silliest of areas.
I can't seem to make my Dream Visual board - I forget what it's called here but it's a collage of images of my goals. I've bought magazines, paper, posterboards. I've looked at family photos and scrapbooking websites and, oh heck, just all kinds of things that could be used to make a visual.
And I haven't liked anything I've seen. Well, I love to look at old photographs, but even with the photos I've found I haven't been able to put it into a visual. I've given this thing an awful lot of power. That's partly because I do believe in the power of visualizing and I certainly don't want to dream about something I don't really want - some lackluster half-way image of the dream goals for Bess. And then, I am something of the crafty sort - certainly the creative type. And therein I think is my downfall. My ego is tied up with the things I create. I am not one to be satisfied with what I consider an amateurish attempt.
Lawsee! this is the silliest thing I've ever seen about me. Haven't I learned yet that baby steps are the way out of a corner and into something wonderful? So what if this first visual is not worthy of the National Gallery or MOMA! I can make fifty visual aids if I want and only keep the best one.
but if I don't make that first one I'll never be able to make the one I really identify with. Goofy Silly me. Well. Harrumph. I will not be defeated by that wicked lady Perfectionism. I will make something by the end of the month and even hang it in the kitchen where I'll see it every day. And then ... if it doesn't thrill me I will start another until I have the one I really want to look at for a while.
Begone thou wicked lady ... No Perfection Allowed Here! I am BESS the Queen of B+
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
I did not mean to make a series of posts about what I am gleaning from yoga but I did want to talk a little about one other thing I feel is important – and that is Loving Your Body.
I bet I’m not alone when I speak of those hurtful moments when I’ve hated some part of my body – looked at a stomach and despised it; turned my eyes away from a mirror that reflected back puffy cheeks; sighed at a profile view in the full length mirror and then lumbered away with slumped shoulders. I know I have heard other women bemoan or even insult their hips, their thighs, their bellies in terms that breaks my heart – especially when they’re a loved friend of family member.
Happily I have gotten away from real self loathing – time has a way of doing that, plus knowing I have value in other areas besides my ornamental properties. Self dissatisfaction? Yes. There has been some of that – but only the healthy type that got me here as a sparker.
As I’ve said – if you’re going to do yoga you really need to tune in to your body, including all its bits and pieces and it’s really difficult to dislike something you’re paying attention to – examining what it’s doing, noting how it is moving, holding you, surrounding you. The other day as I was stepping out of the shower I really fell in love with my feet. A glance down at my belly and I feel this warm affection for something that is me. This is not a narcissistic focus all tied up with competitive comparisons to others and my place in the beauty hierarchy (are her hips bigger than mine? Is my stomach rounder than hers?). This is a deep and wondering enchantment with the glorious bodies we’ve been given, from within which we act out our lives.
I can’t remember when, if ever, I have felt the rush of love I feel for my pets while contemplating my toes! But concentrating on what those feet are doing in mountain pose has given me a new appreciation for what those toes do for me all day long – how they get me here and there, over hurdles, through city streets and across my own farm fields. Yes. Yoga has taught me to love my feet. And the world can always use a little more love.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Actually, I've been doing yoga a little longer than that but on Friday, which I believe actually was day 21, I had the most wonderful sensation of my feet being rooted to the earth and having the power to lift me up from one of the more challenging positions. It was a fleeting sensation and I haven't really been able to repeat it but I'm confident that will come with time.
but have I told you how much I love yoga? lovelovelove it?
(Of course I have - I never shut up about anything that ignites my passion)
But what else have I learned from my three week love affair?
1. How much of my day I spend hunched over things - shoulders forward, chest pushing down towards my hips - like that lab assistant, Igor! Wow.
2. How if I press the tailbone down it makes my stomach flatter! woo woo
3. How that lifts my lower ribcage and takes pressure off the lower spine - hey nice!
4. That it's not about thrusting shoulders back like a West Point plebe - it's about pulling the muscles away from the sternum both vertically and laterally and when you do that your shoulders just automatically line up and your arms swing freely.
5. How relaxing it is when you line your head up over your shoulders - ahhhhh
6. That if I do a body check in each pose - Feet firmly planted? Calves hugging my leg, thigh muscles lifting my knee cap, tailbone down, pelvis lined up, sternum well stretched, shoulder blades hugging the spine, ears lined up with the spine, face relaxed - not only will I move to the next pose more easily and hold it longer BUT
7. throughout the day my body, that I've once again gotten to know and listen to and feel, will often tell me what it needs nutritionally. It will say "Hey - I'm thirsty" or "Man I could do with some green things." or "I need to rebuild myself. give me some protein".
And that is the thing I want most in my life. A body I listen to and nurture. I don't mind - no - I am deeply grateful for all the information that the experts can give me about good health - but more than anything else I want my body to tell me what it needs. Or rather - I want to hear my body speak and respond to its needs with what it asks for.
I feel like that will put an end to the craving thing, the fear of food and foodie situations, and the state of mindless denial that, over time, packed those pounds on this body. I truly believe there is an Optimal Body for Bess up ahead and I want to step into it and live there for the rest of my life.
May you all get to go live in your Optimal Body!
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