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I had to be the grownup

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Yesterday was the first time since Christmas that I have knowingly gone over my calorie limit- by only 200 calories, mind you, but still - over. The big ticket items are unknowns ... my own home made half/half whole wheat bread ... I will have to punch that recipe into the tracker so I can be more accurate, and the hamburger I had last night for dinner. cooked at home the pacakge says 250 calories per 1/4 of the package. I didn't weigh it out but I know I ate more like 1/3 of the pacakge . Oh. And the peanut butter at lunch. Lean meat might have rung up a bit fewer calories there.

And it was all mighty good. I am really pushing myself... nudging might be a better expression but increasing either the minutes I'm active or the weights I'm using and that makes me hungry for protein. And most of the time, when I was hungry I'd find myself thinking "what nutrition is my body asking for right now?" which is a very very good thing. I truly do believe I made the right choice to eat a little more. I stopped when I was full which was when dinner was over and felt simply wonderful.

Then something happened that I have to find a place for in my mind.

After an hour or so I began to want to eat something deserty - pudding, maybe, or even one of those really delicious oranges we have. I wasn't really hungry - not the way I was earlier in the day when I was fueling instead of snacking. I was slightly bored. I was not quite warm enough. It was getting close to bedtime but not there yet. I couldn't seem to settle to any craft or book or hobby. And it was then the snacking bug bit me. And it nibbled away for a good while. I finally had to sit down and tell myself "Bess you are going to HAVE to give this one up and go to bed without satisfying an urge. It's not a need because you truly aren't hungry. So this time, the answer is No."

In short. I had to be the grownup. And my inner brat was sulky but she didn't throw a tantrum - she obeyed.

Because she trusts her inner parent? Because she wants to be a good girl? Because she wants to grow up to be pretty and slender? Probaby that one most of all. But the trust thing is there too - and rather than calling her a good girl, I would say she wants to Do What's Right.

I have never been attracted to Bad Boys or badness even, though a little naughty hint now and then, accompanied by a twinkling eye and a kind heart, is okay. But rebellion for rebellion's sake or to prove that nobody can push me around really isn't much a part of my personality - wasn't much even when I was a teen. This is where I really AM a Virgo and in fact, I'm glad of that.

So, doing the right thing usually feels good enough to cancel any embarassement or frustration or anger. Usually - I am no saint by a long shot nor even a goody two shoes. But for the most part I like to be glad of my choices and I'll admit it. I am glad of last night's choice to Not Snack.

I hope this doesn't happen too much though. It is much easier writing about it than having to do it. I hope I can either eat enough nutrition in few enough calories that there's room at the end of the day for a worthless but tasty treat. And I hope that I don't really want a worthless tasty treat too often. I can do some denial but I might get cranky or quit if I feel I have to do too much of it.

so - that's the progress report from Bess - that and on the exercise front I increased my weights yesterday with the upper body workout AND did the whole routine correctly. Last week I was bumbling around on that ball. this week I have an idea how it works. And how much I have to stabalise my innards if I'm going to stay on the thing. And I have a short term goal of getting to 8 lb weights (from 3 lb) over the next month or two.

I am discovering with the free weights that they are actually easier than the machines. What a surprise. but I can make fine adjustments to the positions of arms and wrists and shoulders with free weights that help with little personal quirks and old injuries.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MJ-SHE-BEAST 1/13/2010 8:48PM

    Funny, positive attitudes like yours is exactly what I am looking for. Thank you for sharing your "inner brat" with us!

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NIXIE27 1/13/2010 9:19AM

    LOL, I am having a really good laugh right now, and I really needed that. TY. "My inner brat" is exactly how I feel!
You also started me down the raod to some heavy thinking. I expect my children to behave, follow the rules, not be "brats" basically, and to work at their goals and dreams. So how come I can't seem to expect my inner child to do the same? She is a spoiled rotten brat, and I, I know it is time to get some control over her! (and myself)
My self loathing pity party has now cost me all of my losses. I did a check up weigh in this morning, and I have re-gained the weight I had lost. That is a hard blow, but one I am used to.
No more. She can sulk all she wants, she will thank me for it later.
And thank YOU again for helping me realize that! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JLITT62 1/13/2010 8:11AM

    Funny, the other day I was really hungry -- like, an apple would be satisfying -- only I didn't want an apple. I'd already had plenty of fruit. I don't remember what I ended up eating.

It's a big accomplishment to be able to determine when you're truly hungry & when you're satisfying a craving. Most of the time I get it. But sometimes it's still a mystery.

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LARSIL 1/13/2010 7:58AM

    Good for you, Bess!

My "inner child" has magificent arguments with my "inner parent" more times than I'd care to admit. (OK, so I'm over 50, and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.)

Good job, and great writing! That post was an inspiration for the rest of us!


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MSLZZY 1/13/2010 7:41AM

    That poor inner child will just have to sulk on occasion LOL! You did the right thing but stopping the snack attack before eating mindlessly. If I really am feeling snacky, I eat a low fat yogurt with or without fruit. A little sweet that won't break the bank but it has protein and helps keep me from reaching for more. emoticon

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I don't believe it! No Wait! I do! I do! I do!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Some beliefs are easy and convenient. Others require conscious, constant renewal. We can't though, use this as a basis for deciding that one belief is more likely to be true than another. Indeed, we can't reliably employ any technique to assess the validity of a belief. We just have to believe what we believe - and then believe whatever we want to believe about whatever anyone else believes! You are now being encouraged to think twice about something that seems beyond belief, no matter how believable others may find it!

If that sounds like a horoscope, well, it is. emoticon From one of my favorite horoscope writer - a favorite because he isn't always trashing Virgo's for being precise and having opinions and standards. (or being picky and judgemental - you pick emoticon)

And no - I don't think 1/12 of the world will all have the same day. I just think they're fun and if one says something positive and hopeful I welcome that into my life. They're like the Spider Solitaire game here on my computer. If I don't like what I'm offered I click away.

but believing has been on my mind a lot this week so I thought this particular horoscope was a good one to ponder.

So. Do I believe I will live the rest of my life as a fit strong healthy woman. As I said yesterday - it's sometimes hard to believe that. But at other times I look around and think ... well - she has... He does... they aren't really different from me. Especially when I add in things like - sometimes I eat food that doesn't even TASTE good because A) It's good for me or B) I'm looking for something else or C) It's dinner time

so people who are slim don't really do that. They may do other pointless or contrary things - but not about food.

And what about my oft claimed belief that, as an ENFP, I take no pleasure in completion? Well now - there may be a wee bit of truth in that. Once I got to my lifetime goal using Weight Watchers I found it very difficult to stay there because the process had ended. The incentives and rewards weren't as clearly visible. The trip was over.

But the sensation of pleasure at achievement was real and I am holding on to that memory right now, as a travel again, over the same steps. So do I really believe I will get no pleasure in success - that I'll be more comfortable staying on weight loss mode for the rest of my life? Ick! that doesn't sound like fun.

In a way that is why I'm breaking up with Mr.Scale. And believe me! That is very hard. How badly I wanted to step up close to him this morning. I didn't. but I thought about it hard. But he's so much a part of the numbers racket - the I-am-good-when-he-says-I-am game and I am so not wanting to play that game. At the last minute I thought that I would measure progress when those khaki trousers zip up smoothly. And that won't be long now.

So what do I believe? I believe that my body tells me what it wants and needs all the time. I just have to shut up - to stop listening to Other Things - and listen to my body. To make this a lifetime thing and not just another hard struggle down the weight chart I have to have a different sort of information process. I believe we were meant to be guided by our healthy bodies. Even tools that are as useful as the nutrition tracker are external to what mother nature designed us for. I use it regularly so that I will know how and where to find the foods that provide me with all the nutrition I need. Eventually I will need it only to check up on things - not to rule my day.

I believe that movement is essential to all this - movement in daily life and movement through vigorous exercise - movement anywhere I can find it. A lot of movement. Childlike movement - which is constant and difficult to stop. I think of a first grade class and how hard it is for the teachers to make the kids sit still all day. Why? Because their bodies crave movement. And most of the time first graders are pretty durn fit. When did I stop believing in that?

Beliefs. What I truly know is that if I believe it I act as if I do and it pretty much becomes true. Ha! Evidently even the stars want me to believe that I am on my way - acting like the fit healthy person I believe I am.

Who would believe it?!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NOMORESTALLING 1/12/2010 11:47AM

    I too read my daily Horoscope not religiously but just to see how close them come to what my day is actually going ot be or turn out to be. Sometimes they are right on other times they are way off!

You're right there is no magic genie that is going to magically apppear and keep us on track or give us that healthy curvy body we all want so badly at any age! It's work in progress 24/7 and it's attitude, choice consequence and dedication. So keep that positive attitude flowing and everything else will fall into place!

You go girl! emoticon I'll be cheering you on!

Comment edited on: 1/12/2010 11:48:39 AM

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MOTHERBEAR4 1/12/2010 9:16AM

    Wow - read this Tuesday morning - now I have something to ponder! Great post!

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MSLZZY 1/12/2010 8:07AM

    The main point is that YOU believe! My opinion is mine and I chose to believe what works for me. Rewards, tracking nutrition, water and exercise all work for me because I believe this helps me on my journey to getting healthier! Yes, I believe!

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AMYRWATSON 1/12/2010 7:54AM

    Just Believe and it will happen.

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IFDEEVARUNS2 1/12/2010 6:57AM

    Clarity! I love it....

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MYJUNIEMOON 1/12/2010 6:34AM

    Cute post! I enjoyed reading... Believing is everything!


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Striding into the future, toting the best little bit of my past

Monday, January 11, 2010

Here's a bit more backstory to That Dress and an explanation of why I'm bringing it with me as I move ahead.

I come from a large family of plump-to-fat ladies and in some ways I have always believed I would be one too. I fought weight gain in my teens and by the time I hit 20 I had a handle on it plus on fairly healthy eating and a much more vigorous daily life. Alas, in the early 1990's I began to eat my way into what I thought of as my heritage. It took a particularly awful photo my darling husband snapped of me - when I was wearing my "skinny" sweater (or Id never have let him take the picture) to bring me to my senses. When he brought it to me from the developers - I looked like a purple beach ball. With tears in my eyes I asked him if I really looked like that - and with all the love in the world glowing from his face (like he was giving me a diamond neclace!) he said "Yes. That's exactly what you look like!"

And when my tears spilled over, he made it worse by saying "But, but Honey! Look at your MOTHER!!"

Yes. I think it's a miracle he's still alive too!

I've since then done some fairly serious work on my good health, including my weight. I'm considerably smaller than that purple beach ball. But I'm not where I want to be AND that wicked bad Belief that - from fat I came and to fat I will return - is my biggest hurdle, my heaviest ball and chain and the most important thing to stop believing in.

I really needed something to supplant that wrong belief and it was while thinking back over my life that I realized there were more than 20 years when I was NOT fat. I did the things a healthy fit person does, made the choices a fit person makes. And during those 20 years when I lived a healthy life I wore That Dress. I wore lots of other nice clothes too, but that was my favorite and the only one I kept - the only one that isn't too decidedly 1980's Dynasty Retro. And that is why it deserves to come with me as I stride into the future; fit, healthy, AND slim.

So fear not, my friends, that I am clinging to the past. I am merely bringing a fine antique into a new setting.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WEDDWT 1/11/2010 5:51PM

    "Vintage" clothes have a story. If only they could talk!

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BESSHAILE 1/11/2010 2:37PM

But you must remember - he said it with such adoring love! - not like Mr. Scale would have. He, that Big Darling, is another part of my problem with weight. He likes me big or small and big is so much easier to be.

I, otoh, like me emoticon

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JLITT62 1/11/2010 2:22PM

    I have gotten rid of a ton of clothes on my journey -- but not all, and for that I am glad. Some clothes I have held onto for literally decades, but I'm so happy to finally fit back into them.

I think the trick is to know which ones really are flattering to you, and which ones you're holding onto for sentimental reasons. Sounds like you've got a good handle on it. And yes, it is pretty surprising that your DH is still alive & kickin'.


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Boot Camp Week 1 reflections

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Been thinking a lot about this past week's January Boot Camp - and its impact on my life. Every day this week I've gotten in some sort of strength training and some sort of aerobic exercise and most of the time I've practiced some little special Good For You challenge like - eating 3 fruits or drinking water.

This is 7 days of ramped up exercise and some pretty careful eating. So how do I feel?

First off - I feel proud. As an ENFP I don't usually take much pleasure or pride in completion but in this case I really do feel proud of myself. I know this took discipline and committment. That I wanted to do this in no way dims the sparkle of having done it. I feel really proud of Bess.

Second off - I feel more confident that I will not only complete the boot camp but continue on to reach my final goals.

Third - I say goalS because new ones have blossomed this week as I felt my body and my habits and my attitudes shift from hopeful to confident. I realized I didn't want Mr.Scale as a life partner. I realized I would like to be an AFTER - as in those Before and After articles in magazines. And I realized that I COULD be an AFTER in my own world. I can do up the hair and the makeup and the new wardrobe and the photo ops myself because in the end, the reward of being an AFTER has more to do with looking in the mirror every day.

Fourth - I notice I have more energy. I knew at some intellectual level, that exercise gives you energy, but I also forget that sort of thing when I am not exercising. I'm glad it kicked in so soon.

Fifth - my thighs feel much harder - much more muscular. Not bulky mind you, just hard. Of course, my legs are my strong point. The jiggly stuff from hip to neck will take longer to firm up but ... maybe ... is it true? Do I sense a hint of firmness up in Jiggleland? Maybe. I'll wait till Day 28 to check on that.

Well. that's a lot to get from about 5.25 hours of effort. That's about .03% of the week. Yeah. 1/3 of 1 percent. Not bad. In fact - pretty durn good.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WEDDWT 1/10/2010 4:37PM

    Here's an observation after reading the past week's posts: When I look at that photo of your lovely handmade dress on the hanger it seems to be symbolic of recapturing something from the past. When I read your words, they are all about Bess living and loving in the present and a reinventing of self for the future. The photo does not match the words, is it just me?
You are doing so wonderfully - proud of you!

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MOTHERBEAR4 1/10/2010 10:09AM

    emoticon Post! Keep that focus! emoticon emoticon

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PRAIRIE_MUM 1/10/2010 8:40AM

    Excellent! I too am noticing that I feel a difference after only one week of bootcamp. Keep up the good work!

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DEBBIEKAY1 1/10/2010 7:53AM

    emoticonGood for you
I too have been reaping the benefits of boot camp!
Good Luck with achieving all your goals this year!

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MSLZZY 1/10/2010 7:45AM

    Keep that positive attitude going! Your self-esteem and confidence will serve you well on this journey! You are special, you are unique and you CAN do this! emoticon

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ZUZUBEE 1/10/2010 7:37AM

    Glad to hear you had such a wonderful start to the New Year with the Boot Camp! Good luck in achieving your goals!

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Breaking up is hard to do

Saturday, January 09, 2010

can you believe it? After all those high flown laughing words of yesterday - today I got on that stupid scale ... and actually TOLD myself "Oh well, this doesn't count. this is just playing around. I'm not going to have any feelings about what Mr.Scale says today - so if I don't have any FEELINGS it doesn't count."

sort of like the old joke about the Virgin who said that as long as it wasn't any fun it didn't happen.

I am such a doofus! emoticon

See why it's so important for me to break up with that thing? I am entirely too addicted to it. Soft addictions I have heard this called - doing essentially harmless that get you nowhere or don't promote a mentally or emotionally healthy attitude about life.

Ahh well. I shall have to just start again with my newly single life. I am sure that I shall eventually be scale free and only weigh myself at my doctors because I will know that my weight is in a good place by the way I feel and the clothes that fit.

In fact - I think that's a goal I'd like to reach - better go add it to my SparkPage.

Off to the gym now, to do Day 7 and then to grocery shop. Ta.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MSLZZY 1/9/2010 12:35PM

    Mr Scale plays fair when he wants LOL! I'd leave him in a dark closet for a month and then see if he changes his mind. Solitary confinement LOL!

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AMR6665 1/9/2010 8:02AM

    I applaud you realizing how unhealthy Mr. Scale is for you when you see him on a daily basis.. keep going..... emoticon

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