Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Some beliefs are easy and convenient. Others require conscious, constant renewal. We can't though, use this as a basis for deciding that one belief is more likely to be true than another. Indeed, we can't reliably employ any technique to assess the validity of a belief. We just have to believe what we believe - and then believe whatever we want to believe about whatever anyone else believes! You are now being encouraged to think twice about something that seems beyond belief, no matter how believable others may find it!
If that sounds like a horoscope, well, it is. From one of my favorite horoscope writer - a favorite because he isn't always trashing Virgo's for being precise and having opinions and standards. (or being picky and judgemental - you pick )
And no - I don't think 1/12 of the world will all have the same day. I just think they're fun and if one says something positive and hopeful I welcome that into my life. They're like the Spider Solitaire game here on my computer. If I don't like what I'm offered I click away.
but believing has been on my mind a lot this week so I thought this particular horoscope was a good one to ponder.
So. Do I believe I will live the rest of my life as a fit strong healthy woman. As I said yesterday - it's sometimes hard to believe that. But at other times I look around and think ... well - she has... He does... they aren't really different from me. Especially when I add in things like - sometimes I eat food that doesn't even TASTE good because A) It's good for me or B) I'm looking for something else or C) It's dinner time
so people who are slim don't really do that. They may do other pointless or contrary things - but not about food.
And what about my oft claimed belief that, as an ENFP, I take no pleasure in completion? Well now - there may be a wee bit of truth in that. Once I got to my lifetime goal using Weight Watchers I found it very difficult to stay there because the process had ended. The incentives and rewards weren't as clearly visible. The trip was over.
But the sensation of pleasure at achievement was real and I am holding on to that memory right now, as a travel again, over the same steps. So do I really believe I will get no pleasure in success - that I'll be more comfortable staying on weight loss mode for the rest of my life? Ick! that doesn't sound like fun.
In a way that is why I'm breaking up with Mr.Scale. And believe me! That is very hard. How badly I wanted to step up close to him this morning. I didn't. but I thought about it hard. But he's so much a part of the numbers racket - the I-am-good-when-he-says-I-am game and I am so not wanting to play that game. At the last minute I thought that I would measure progress when those khaki trousers zip up smoothly. And that won't be long now.
So what do I believe? I believe that my body tells me what it wants and needs all the time. I just have to shut up - to stop listening to Other Things - and listen to my body. To make this a lifetime thing and not just another hard struggle down the weight chart I have to have a different sort of information process. I believe we were meant to be guided by our healthy bodies. Even tools that are as useful as the nutrition tracker are external to what mother nature designed us for. I use it regularly so that I will know how and where to find the foods that provide me with all the nutrition I need. Eventually I will need it only to check up on things - not to rule my day.
I believe that movement is essential to all this - movement in daily life and movement through vigorous exercise - movement anywhere I can find it. A lot of movement. Childlike movement - which is constant and difficult to stop. I think of a first grade class and how hard it is for the teachers to make the kids sit still all day. Why? Because their bodies crave movement. And most of the time first graders are pretty durn fit. When did I stop believing in that?
Beliefs. What I truly know is that if I believe it I act as if I do and it pretty much becomes true. Ha! Evidently even the stars want me to believe that I am on my way - acting like the fit healthy person I believe I am.
Who would believe it?!
Monday, January 11, 2010
Here's a bit more backstory to That Dress and an explanation of why I'm bringing it with me as I move ahead.
I come from a large family of plump-to-fat ladies and in some ways I have always believed I would be one too. I fought weight gain in my teens and by the time I hit 20 I had a handle on it plus on fairly healthy eating and a much more vigorous daily life. Alas, in the early 1990's I began to eat my way into what I thought of as my heritage. It took a particularly awful photo my darling husband snapped of me - when I was wearing my "skinny" sweater (or I’d never have let him take the picture) to bring me to my senses. When he brought it to me from the developers - I looked like a purple beach ball. With tears in my eyes I asked him if I really looked like that - and with all the love in the world glowing from his face (like he was giving me a diamond neclace!) he said "Yes. That's exactly what you look like!"
And when my tears spilled over, he made it worse by saying "But, but Honey! Look at your MOTHER!!"
Yes. I think it's a miracle he's still alive too!
I've since then done some fairly serious work on my good health, including my weight. I'm considerably smaller than that purple beach ball. But I'm not where I want to be AND that wicked bad Belief that - from fat I came and to fat I will return - is my biggest hurdle, my heaviest ball and chain and the most important thing to stop believing in.
I really needed something to supplant that wrong belief and it was while thinking back over my life that I realized there were more than 20 years when I was NOT fat. I did the things a healthy fit person does, made the choices a fit person makes. And during those 20 years when I lived a healthy life I wore That Dress. I wore lots of other nice clothes too, but that was my favorite and the only one I kept - the only one that isn't too decidedly 1980's Dynasty Retro. And that is why it deserves to come with me as I stride into the future; fit, healthy, AND slim.
So fear not, my friends, that I am clinging to the past. I am merely bringing a fine antique into a new setting.
Friday, January 08, 2010
There's a trick to my scale that involves where you place your feet. If you step squarely in the middle of the two foot pads you get one weight. If you squinch your feet close together you get a different, lighter weight. There are other scale tricks too, like, going to the bathroom first and weighing early in the morning and taking off your shoes ... do you have any idea how heavy shoes are?
Of course. This is not news to anyone here on SP. We all know all sorts of tricks about scales because scales and their accusing or admiring numbers have played such a big part in our lives. In fact, I sometimes think of my scale as a bad boyfriend. A lover who insults you in front of your family and then looks blankly up and says "Well. It's the truth, isn't it?"
that's why I've learned to play that little trick on my scale - to make him say something that isn't true - so then I can answer that snotty question with "No. It's not the truth."
Well. I have never continued a relationship with a person who played mean mind games with me. I reject unhealthy relationships much more quickly than I do unhealthy physical habits. And this year I have decided to break up bad relationships with things like Mr. Ice Cream Box and, this week, with Mr. Scale.
A bit of back story now - when I joined SP I didn't really want to know the truth - and I ceratinly didn't want to hear it from Mr. S. So I squinched my feet together and accepted the lowest weight I could trick him into giving me. Then, each week, I'd do the same - figuring directional movement and proportions would be relatively true.
Fast forward to Wednesday night, when I realized how unhealthy ( really I want to say how sick ) this relationship was, as I faced my Thursday morning weigh-in and a decision was made. I am divorcing Mr. Scale. But, like a divorce where there are children, I know I'll have to see him now and then. To make our visits as brief and as infrequent as possible I plan to weigh only once a month and I plan to weigh with my feet squarely planted on those foot pads. Though I can't say Mr. S is no longer a part of my life, I can state emphatically - he is no longer a part of my DAILY life.
Instead I plan to keep on seeing Mr. Nutrition Tracker with whom I have a much healthier relationship. He helps me along the way with suggestions of nutrition packed meals and opportunities to hydrate. He makes no statements about me in humiliating ways - such as "Good Lord, Woman! Do you realize you weigh a gazillion pounds!"
Instead he says "Congratulations! You've met your goals in calcium (or protein or, one day, potassium!)" I think Mr. NT and I will have a wonderful relationship together.
As for Mr. Scale. We'll get together for supervised visitation once a month but other than that we are through.
Oh! And I did take a walk yesterday and what did I see?
What is that speck up in that tree?
Yep. King of Birds - ready to soar. Just like me!!!
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