Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Yesterday was the first time since Christmas that I have knowingly gone over my calorie limit- by only 200 calories, mind you, but still - over. The big ticket items are unknowns ... my own home made half/half whole wheat bread ... I will have to punch that recipe into the tracker so I can be more accurate, and the hamburger I had last night for dinner. cooked at home the pacakge says 250 calories per 1/4 of the package. I didn't weigh it out but I know I ate more like 1/3 of the pacakge . Oh. And the peanut butter at lunch. Lean meat might have rung up a bit fewer calories there.
And it was all mighty good. I am really pushing myself... nudging might be a better expression but increasing either the minutes I'm active or the weights I'm using and that makes me hungry for protein. And most of the time, when I was hungry I'd find myself thinking "what nutrition is my body asking for right now?" which is a very very good thing. I truly do believe I made the right choice to eat a little more. I stopped when I was full which was when dinner was over and felt simply wonderful.
Then something happened that I have to find a place for in my mind.
After an hour or so I began to want to eat something deserty - pudding, maybe, or even one of those really delicious oranges we have. I wasn't really hungry - not the way I was earlier in the day when I was fueling instead of snacking. I was slightly bored. I was not quite warm enough. It was getting close to bedtime but not there yet. I couldn't seem to settle to any craft or book or hobby. And it was then the snacking bug bit me. And it nibbled away for a good while. I finally had to sit down and tell myself "Bess you are going to HAVE to give this one up and go to bed without satisfying an urge. It's not a need because you truly aren't hungry. So this time, the answer is No."
In short. I had to be the grownup. And my inner brat was sulky but she didn't throw a tantrum - she obeyed.
Because she trusts her inner parent? Because she wants to be a good girl? Because she wants to grow up to be pretty and slender? Probaby that one most of all. But the trust thing is there too - and rather than calling her a good girl, I would say she wants to Do What's Right.
I have never been attracted to Bad Boys or badness even, though a little naughty hint now and then, accompanied by a twinkling eye and a kind heart, is okay. But rebellion for rebellion's sake or to prove that nobody can push me around really isn't much a part of my personality - wasn't much even when I was a teen. This is where I really AM a Virgo and in fact, I'm glad of that.
So, doing the right thing usually feels good enough to cancel any embarassement or frustration or anger. Usually - I am no saint by a long shot nor even a goody two shoes. But for the most part I like to be glad of my choices and I'll admit it. I am glad of last night's choice to Not Snack.
I hope this doesn't happen too much though. It is much easier writing about it than having to do it. I hope I can either eat enough nutrition in few enough calories that there's room at the end of the day for a worthless but tasty treat. And I hope that I don't really want a worthless tasty treat too often. I can do some denial but I might get cranky or quit if I feel I have to do too much of it.
so - that's the progress report from Bess - that and on the exercise front I increased my weights yesterday with the upper body workout AND did the whole routine correctly. Last week I was bumbling around on that ball. this week I have an idea how it works. And how much I have to stabalise my innards if I'm going to stay on the thing. And I have a short term goal of getting to 8 lb weights (from 3 lb) over the next month or two.
I am discovering with the free weights that they are actually easier than the machines. What a surprise. but I can make fine adjustments to the positions of arms and wrists and shoulders with free weights that help with little personal quirks and old injuries.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Some beliefs are easy and convenient. Others require conscious, constant renewal. We can't though, use this as a basis for deciding that one belief is more likely to be true than another. Indeed, we can't reliably employ any technique to assess the validity of a belief. We just have to believe what we believe - and then believe whatever we want to believe about whatever anyone else believes! You are now being encouraged to think twice about something that seems beyond belief, no matter how believable others may find it!
If that sounds like a horoscope, well, it is. From one of my favorite horoscope writer - a favorite because he isn't always trashing Virgo's for being precise and having opinions and standards. (or being picky and judgemental - you pick )
And no - I don't think 1/12 of the world will all have the same day. I just think they're fun and if one says something positive and hopeful I welcome that into my life. They're like the Spider Solitaire game here on my computer. If I don't like what I'm offered I click away.
but believing has been on my mind a lot this week so I thought this particular horoscope was a good one to ponder.
So. Do I believe I will live the rest of my life as a fit strong healthy woman. As I said yesterday - it's sometimes hard to believe that. But at other times I look around and think ... well - she has... He does... they aren't really different from me. Especially when I add in things like - sometimes I eat food that doesn't even TASTE good because A) It's good for me or B) I'm looking for something else or C) It's dinner time
so people who are slim don't really do that. They may do other pointless or contrary things - but not about food.
And what about my oft claimed belief that, as an ENFP, I take no pleasure in completion? Well now - there may be a wee bit of truth in that. Once I got to my lifetime goal using Weight Watchers I found it very difficult to stay there because the process had ended. The incentives and rewards weren't as clearly visible. The trip was over.
But the sensation of pleasure at achievement was real and I am holding on to that memory right now, as a travel again, over the same steps. So do I really believe I will get no pleasure in success - that I'll be more comfortable staying on weight loss mode for the rest of my life? Ick! that doesn't sound like fun.
In a way that is why I'm breaking up with Mr.Scale. And believe me! That is very hard. How badly I wanted to step up close to him this morning. I didn't. but I thought about it hard. But he's so much a part of the numbers racket - the I-am-good-when-he-says-I-am game and I am so not wanting to play that game. At the last minute I thought that I would measure progress when those khaki trousers zip up smoothly. And that won't be long now.
So what do I believe? I believe that my body tells me what it wants and needs all the time. I just have to shut up - to stop listening to Other Things - and listen to my body. To make this a lifetime thing and not just another hard struggle down the weight chart I have to have a different sort of information process. I believe we were meant to be guided by our healthy bodies. Even tools that are as useful as the nutrition tracker are external to what mother nature designed us for. I use it regularly so that I will know how and where to find the foods that provide me with all the nutrition I need. Eventually I will need it only to check up on things - not to rule my day.
I believe that movement is essential to all this - movement in daily life and movement through vigorous exercise - movement anywhere I can find it. A lot of movement. Childlike movement - which is constant and difficult to stop. I think of a first grade class and how hard it is for the teachers to make the kids sit still all day. Why? Because their bodies crave movement. And most of the time first graders are pretty durn fit. When did I stop believing in that?
Beliefs. What I truly know is that if I believe it I act as if I do and it pretty much becomes true. Ha! Evidently even the stars want me to believe that I am on my way - acting like the fit healthy person I believe I am.
Who would believe it?!
Monday, January 11, 2010
Here's a bit more backstory to That Dress and an explanation of why I'm bringing it with me as I move ahead.
I come from a large family of plump-to-fat ladies and in some ways I have always believed I would be one too. I fought weight gain in my teens and by the time I hit 20 I had a handle on it plus on fairly healthy eating and a much more vigorous daily life. Alas, in the early 1990's I began to eat my way into what I thought of as my heritage. It took a particularly awful photo my darling husband snapped of me - when I was wearing my "skinny" sweater (or I’d never have let him take the picture) to bring me to my senses. When he brought it to me from the developers - I looked like a purple beach ball. With tears in my eyes I asked him if I really looked like that - and with all the love in the world glowing from his face (like he was giving me a diamond neclace!) he said "Yes. That's exactly what you look like!"
And when my tears spilled over, he made it worse by saying "But, but Honey! Look at your MOTHER!!"
Yes. I think it's a miracle he's still alive too!
I've since then done some fairly serious work on my good health, including my weight. I'm considerably smaller than that purple beach ball. But I'm not where I want to be AND that wicked bad Belief that - from fat I came and to fat I will return - is my biggest hurdle, my heaviest ball and chain and the most important thing to stop believing in.
I really needed something to supplant that wrong belief and it was while thinking back over my life that I realized there were more than 20 years when I was NOT fat. I did the things a healthy fit person does, made the choices a fit person makes. And during those 20 years when I lived a healthy life I wore That Dress. I wore lots of other nice clothes too, but that was my favorite and the only one I kept - the only one that isn't too decidedly 1980's Dynasty Retro. And that is why it deserves to come with me as I stride into the future; fit, healthy, AND slim.
So fear not, my friends, that I am clinging to the past. I am merely bringing a fine antique into a new setting.
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