Friday, January 01, 2010
I'm worked on my Let-It-Go list yesterday ... much shorter than the Gratitude List I sort of composed in my head on Wednesday. I thought New Year's Eve, with a once in a blue moon eclipse, would be a good time to think of things I would like to flush out of my life. There aren't too many of them, but these things all trip me up and keep me from doing the things I want to do – and doing the things I might want to do when I think of them.
So what would I like to let go of this year?
1.Unhealthful food - in unhealthful proportions
2.My sedentary body and it's accompanying aches 3.Grumbling while doing housework
4.Multi-tasking and it's evil twin...
6.The mother of #4 & 5 ... Frittering away my time slash Procrastinating
So. Hmm. Well. That's a bigger list than I thought. In fact – if I were to really let all those things go out of my life – why – I'd be just about perfect.
Still and all – these are the things I want out of my life, in no particular order. I am not going to talk about whether a person can let go of these self defeating traits or if resolutions towards that end are GOOD, because they spur you even if only for a little while, or BAD, because if you stop trying you feel like a looser, or INDIFFERENT because ... what difference does it make anyway? I'm just stating that I would like these things to flow away from me and go live somewhere else – preferably at the bottom of the ocean.
What I will say is that just thinking about these defeatist behaviors flowing away from me makes me feel lighter, cleaner, somehow.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
That's right. I pulled out the tape measure and found out the truth of how much space I'm taking up these days.
It took courage - I really just had to push myself to get going and not stop till I knew. And though the numbers were not pretty - they were not a real surprise. I knew I was, well, um, big.
Not Ginormous, mind you. But ... Big.
But not depressed. Just determined. Determined to see those numbers go down over the next few months. and truth is - I'm glad I know. Because as I get fitter and slimmer and more toned - as I improve things around here - I'll have another measure to take that's not a scale measure. Because truth is, I wouldn't care if I weighed forty levendy hundred pounds if I were a trim fit slim thing, wearing That Dress.
So. Now I know where I am I can go on from here.
I want to do one more thing before tomorrow is over. I want to take a BEFORE photo. One in some sort of outfit that really shows what I look like - not in something subtly flattering from my for public wardrobe but oh, something like my fitness shorts and a tank top - or a bathing suit or leotard. I'll dig around in my drawers to see what I have. But I simply ADORE before and after photos and articles, so why not let this year be the year I star in my own?
Happy Blue Moon Eclipse New Year's Eve to you all - remember - today is the day you can let go of things so let's let go of fluffy flabby old bodies and bad eating habits!
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
I confess it - I'm a magazine junkie. I think of magazines as eye porn and I buy a LOT of them. I'm particularly addicted to art, craft, food and organizing magazines. I love to imagine I am an artist. I love to imagine I have a perfect studio and oodles of time to play in it. I believe imagining it is so much fun that I haven't yet gotten started actually building my dream studio - but it's there in my heart and my imagination and one of these days ... like when I am closer to retirement ... I will begin to move and once that happens - look out world.
One of the things I like about magazines is all the photography. I often don't even read them, but instead, look at the pictures. As a mildly dyslexic adult, with highly trained auditory skills, I find reading is harder for me than it was in my middle years. (Don't ask about school - I was in the vulture reading group for years and only true love could inspire me to work hard enough to get into the Swan reading group where I could sit beside Reggie Kirkpatrick.
and yes. I AM a librarian and I adore books but reading is still harder for me than you'd ever think!
so. where am I going with this - (classic ENFP behavior here - wandering all over the place)
I have two points to make and one is that once when I had lost a substantial amount of weight on Weight Watchers, I found to my amazement, that I finally felt like those magazines were speaking to me. I finally felt as if I was one of them - one of those fit people - that I looked like and behaved like the Bess version of a fitness model! Wow!
I don't feel like that any more.
I want to feel like that again.
I know I CAN feel like that since I have felt that way before.
The other point is that yesterday I bought a stack of magazines to curl up with during this holiday week and one is a copy of Fitness (with Better Homes & Garden's special issue on Diet) and another is a copy of a healthy eating magazine and another is on storage and organization (not that I don't have half a dozen of them already ... but you know ... it's eye porn). And one is on Starting The New Year .... probably a martha stewart type of magazine.
And I bought all these because it's time I made a visual collage of my goals. I need help staying focused on what I really want because.... I need to want it more.
I have long realized that I'm pretty satisfied with my life. I have lots of ease and comfort surrounding me. Getting OUT of my comfort zone is very difficult because it's sooooo comfortable. Some of the things that keep me in my comfort zone are:
I live in the rural south - where a size 16 is fairly small and everything is fried in butter.
I'm middle aged. In fact - more people now are younger than me than are older, so nobody expects me to look buff.
My communitycompletely identifies me with my role as Library Director - which means (these innocents) think ... I'm assuredly brilliant - I have read every book in the library and if I am that smart I must do every other thing right so my size and weight and such must be right. Right? And if every one else already approves of me it's easy for me to accept their kind, if lazy judgement.
Don't get me wrong - I am utterly grateful that people are so kind and accepting. I thank God for that every day - to live in a kind world is a true blessing.
But it does make me complacent. And when I look at myself objectively - not enfolded in the glow of love and acceptance and tolerance - but in the cold reflection of my full length mirror - I am not satisfied, not ready to settle into complaisant acceptance of what I see.
And SEEING is the point here. Once I close the wardrobe door and stop looking in the mirror I forget what it was I wanted. I forget I wanted to look better, feel stronger, move with more stamina and garner admiration instead of acceptance. I need something to keep reminding me - something visual - something Out There In Plain View. I need a dream poster - a goal collage - I need photos and pictures of what I want so that I can lust for it - desire it - and keep steadily focused on getting it.
And to make that I need magazines with pictures I can cut out. So I am going to read all the pretty new eye candy magazines I bought - and then start cutting out images of what I want. I plan to post it on the refrigerator door as a daily reminder of what it is I really want!
Sounds like a lot of fun doesn't it? Like giving myself a present. Isn't that just perfect for this Christmas season?
Monday, December 28, 2009
That's what I'll be doing today. Today all traces of holiday excess go out the door - as gifts, as trash, I don't care. It gets out of here.
And a trip to the grocery store for fresher, cleaner, lighter fare will be made!
Hooray for a Monday and a vacation Monday at that!
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