Thursday, May 23, 2013
I don't know what it is lately, but I've been on such an emotional roller coaster that half the time I don't know up from down. Today, despite all the questions and doubts, is a good day.
My weight loss has stalled - I refuse to call it a plateau because to me a plateau is a high point, and weight loss is supposed to be a gradual decline. My motivation to keep going has been hit and miss. Some days I'm still good, exercising and watching what I eat. Other days, not so much. The thing is, I'm happy with what I've lost so far. I wouldn't be terribly upset if I stayed at this weight for a while - mostly to satisfy the economist in me.
I'm having issues with clothing lately. A lot of my favourite outfits no longer fit properly, or at all (mini celebratory chair dance at that thought!), and buying new clothes is expensive. The knowledge that I intend to lose at least another 2 or 3 clothing sizes before I'm done makes me reluctant to go all out on a new wardrobe, even though I know that it will likely take me years to drop down that many dress sizes. Add to that the fact that I REALLY don't like the colours and patterns this season, and I'm having issues letting go of my old favourites knowing that I won't be able to replace them. I never would have thought that I'd be such a fasion diva!! And yes, I know that a lot of people use second hand clothing stores to fill their closets when losing weight; however, that is just not an option for me here. The closest decent second hand clothing store that carries anything that I might wear is over 4 hours away.
But I do keep chugging on, trying to keep in mind my mantra - any movement is better than no movement and make a healthier choice, even if it's not the healthiest choice.
The whole TTC thing is definitely contributing to my moods and my motivation lately as well. You'd think that knowing that a healthier, lighter me will not only make it easier to conceive, but also ensure a healthier pregnancy and baby, would make it easier for me to stay on the right track. Some times it does. Other times, not so much.
There are times that I question whether we're doing the right thing by trying for a baby. My 16 year old daughter does NOT want to be a big sister. She's had me to herself for her whole life, and for a good portion of it, it was just her and I. I understand that she feels a bit threatened by the thought of sharing me with another child. But she was never intended to be an only child. I always wanted more, it just never happened. And now that I'm finally in a place where we can consider having a child, I'm torn. I want another baby. But I also don't want the baby I already had to feel like she wasn't enough for me.
Ah well. I think D will be a wonderful father. He's already phenomenal with my daughter, and she only became a regular part of his life as a teenager (which many parents say are the most difficult years). I dream about little mini-D's all the time now. Although I've always wanted another girl, I have to say I'll be more than happy with a little boy with D's big brown eyes.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Well here it is, almost a full third of the way through the year, and I'm no further ahead than I was at the beginning of the year. My weight is about the same as it was in the beginning of January, having bounced up and down with the same 5 pounds for nearly 4 months.
That being said, I have struggled with, and overcome illness, adjusting to a new diet because of food sensitivities, changes in medication including the addition of one which often causes weight gain (thankfully I'm only on that for another three days though), and emotional ups and downs including some bouts of mild to moderate depression. So while I haven't really lost any weight when looked at over the long term, I haven't gained any either (totally ignoring the many spikes up and down here...just looking at the overall trend for the past four months).
The one thing I have succeeded at is not giving up. I have tried, and tried, and tried again, and I will keep on trying. I continue to learn things about myself as I go through this process, and some of it really isn't that nice. But learning the not so nice things about oneself means that something can be done to change them! I've also found that I possess strength and fortitude that I didn't know I had.
Lately, the biggest thing I've realized is that I LIKE looking good. I always used to tell myself I didn't care, that being comfortable was more important than looking good. I used that as an excuse for wearing baggy, ill-fitting clothes, which I now realize was just my sad attempt at a disguise. I had myself convinced that I didn't care what other people thought or said about me, when in truth the idea that people may be judging me based on my looks made me want to hide at home and not go out in public at all.
I still dress mostly for comfort, but I no longer buy clothes that are loose and baggy. I like the fact that, even though I still have quite a bit of weight to lose, I'm one of the lucky ones that carries it such that I still have an 'hour glass' figure, at least from the front. I actually enjoy clothes shopping now. That used to be such a hated chore, and it often ended in tears. Now I'm so excited about going to the city this weekend so I can buy new clothes! And I have to say, it has definitely helped to hear my darling SO tell me that he loves what working out is doing to my backside.
I feel good about me. I have worked hard and overcome many obstacles, and I'm proud of myself for it. I still have a long pathway ahead, but that doesn't scare me the way it used to, because I KNOW I can do it!
Friday, April 19, 2013
Things have been rough for me lately. I've been battling some pretty significant depression, which leaves me listless, unmotivated, and inclined to eat junk. I'm just my calories have been way over my range pretty much every day, and my exercise has been less effective - yet I haven't gained a bunch of weight back, which is definitely a good thing! I'm still fluctuating the same 5 pounds that I've been fluctuating since Christmas. I'm actually ok with that, considering the situation.
Things started looking up this week though. I FINALLY got to see my doctor. He had rebooked my appointment in February, postponing it until April because he was leaving early on vacation. And then, silly me, had written the wrong date on my calendar, so I actually missed the appointment with him last week. His receptionist was great about it though, and got me in to see him this past Tuesday. The news was good.
My hormone levels were not low enough to trigger a concern over the dreaded 'C' rearing it's ugly head again. The imbalance typical of PCOS was very clearly present, which we already knew, but some of the other negative signs associated with PCOS had actually improved quite a bit. I may still have a long way to go, but apparently knocking 20 lbs off (which is what I had lost as of the time the blood work was performed) was enough to cause some big changes. All of this meant that the doctor felt good about giving us the go ahead to beging actively trying to conceive.
I started mega doses of provera yesterday, which in combination with clomid is the first step on this journey. The provera is kicking my backside though. Side effects of the drug are making me feeling icky in so many ways - dizzy, light headed, disconnected, etc, etc. It feels like I'm a bit drunk, actually. Combined with the alternating nausea and hunger, it's not been fun. Yesterday I had to force myself to eat. This morning, I couldn't get enough food in my mouth to satisfy the hunger. And telling my body that it was just the meds, not actual hunger, really wasn't very effective.
I'm not quitting though. It's only 2 weeks of the provera at a time, and who knows, we may conceive on the first go around (it's been known to happen!). But in the mean time, I'm sure my calorie counts for the day are going to be cringe worthy. Oh well. I'll get through it!
Monday, February 25, 2013
Today I worked out in the morning for the first time in over two weeks. To be fair to myself, I've been very ill, with quite a bit of chest congestion, so even if I'd wanted to, I couldn't have worked out. Just walking up the stairs left me gasping and wheezing like an 80 year old asthmatic. But still, the fact of the matter is that I sat on my butt for two whole weeks.
It was hard to get up and get on the treadclimber this morning. But I managed to drag my backside out of bed, and once my workout clothes were on it was a bit easier. (On a side note, does anyone else have that same experience, where putting on workout clothes just makes it automatically easier to work out?) I did a very light, short workout, since I still have a fair bit of chest congestion, and my knee has been bugging me lately as well. But it felt good in the end to be up and doing something.
And despite being sick for over two weeks, and not watching what I was eating (a lot of slushies were consumed due to the fact that they felt wonderful on my sore throat, even though I did have moments of guilt about how much sugar was in them), I still managed to be down nearly 3 whole pounds when I did my official weigh in on Sunday. Yay me!! I hadn't weighed before because the battery on my scale died, but still, 3 pounds in two weeks is good. Especially in light of the absence of exercise or mindful eating. Not that I'd recommend severe illness as a weight loss plan to anyone, but it seemed to have worked for me!
So here I am, Monday, getting back on track. Again. This time the fall off the wagon didn't happen because I was frustrated and quit. Perhaps that's why it doesn't seem so daunting to face the challenge of getting back in gear. Or perhaps it's the fact that the weather is warming up and we have HOURS of sunlight every day now that's making me feel better in general.
Regardless, today is a good day to start again.
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