BELLEDORMIR's Recent Blog Entries

After forever...

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

I know, I know, I've been ages. Once out of the habit... I had two tummy bugs that wiped me out. And can you believe I only lost 1lb?! 1 measley lb!

I'm back to feeling motivated now. I haven't done badly over the break, maybe a few mini eggs more than I should, but no massive binges. I've been getting some regular exercise - which is harder now that the netball league has finished, but we'll be starting the summer league in May and we've all been going to this boxercise class that's TOUGH. He absolutely kills us!! There were only 4 of us last week and he really focussed on making our bums smaller.
I've been out walking the dog, too, bless her. She's still very chewey. I'm taking her to dog training classes on Thursdays now, so that gets me off my bum. I've also convinced two friends to start exercise classes with me. I'm considering getting a gym membership... I wish I could trial it first, cause it's quite a lot of money. But if it'll make it cheaper in the longer run AND force me to go because I've already paid for it.... why not?

I'm in a pretty good place at the moment. I'm not obsessing about every lump and bump I have. But I am concerned enough to do something about it. Especially for T. He needs to see that I'm willing to work at this relationship and that means staying fit. Yes, he'll still love me if I get flabby, but he won't fancy me so much. And I want him to fancy me...

Though I wish he wouldn't eat chocolate in front of me.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FRAN-SOLEIL 4/8/2010 2:48AM

    Glad to see you back! I'm happy to be home, although the job search is stressful. I love going to the gym, but prefer spending my money on other things, and it's hard to get out living in the countryside.

Glad to hear that you're not obsessing. I wouldn't worry about T not fancying you anymore, you're working too hard to get flabby.

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Still Alive - but barely!

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Just wanted to let everyone know that I'm still here, I've just had a couple of sickness bugs that have had me bed-ridden or super busy trying to catch up on what I've missed.

Starting to recover from the second bug now. Hope everyone's doing ok xx

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FRAN-SOLEIL 3/21/2010 4:35PM

    Sorry to hear about that.
I wish you a speedy recovery.

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My Day Off

Saturday, February 27, 2010

I weighed myself this morning. 148lbs! Only a lb away from my first GW. But today is my "day off". I got one a week, where I can eat a bit of what I want.

I've been out for lunch with my friends today. I had a roasted vegetable and feta wrap with salad. I didn't eat the chips. We had icecream after. I purged that.

Tonight I've had 'stirfry' veg (no oil). Then I had pudding! Some Ben and Jerrys as my weekly treat. I haven't purged that. But I have taken laxatives and will do a saltwater flush tomorrow so I'm all empty.

I like having one day where I can... be a bit normal. It's usually a Saturday when eating is part of socialising. Two weeks I'll have my brother's girlfriend's birthday - Chinese. In three weeks, my brother and sisters + extras are coming over for drinks and a curry. That's why I have to be so good during the week.

Me and T had an argument this morning. I was trying on clothes. They were baggy tops that made me look fat. He said I looked nice, but I told him I looked fat. He doesn't understand that women - not just me - have a need to dress how they look thinest and that to me means emphasising my waist, the thinnest part of me. I tried to explain... He said he doesn't want a girlfriend that's obsessed with being thin.

I'm not obsessed with being thin. I'm obsessed with food. I'm obsessed with control.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FRAN-SOLEIL 2/28/2010 11:01AM

    I think you look fabulous in all of your photos, so your bf is probably being honest with you when he says you look great. But I also know that how we think about ourselves is the most important.

I'm glad you took the day off. Yesterday I took the day off too. Tracking is sooo tedious sometimes. We had a family meal at an Italian restaurant, and I am sure I at least doubled what I should have eaten for the day.

But today I am back in control. Limiting myself to a 1500 cal max, and hoping to run 5k this afternoon.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend.

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PAISHAR2 2/27/2010 4:45PM

    Stop obsessing and thank God for all you have done so far. Remmeber God took a day off and and you need one too!!!!! You have worked hard and this is your reward to yourself!!!!!!


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TGI Friday.

Friday, February 26, 2010

I've barely eaten all week and my boyfriend hasn't noticed. I make a tiny amount of porridge and have a spoonful. I eat only vegetables for tea. I don't eat anything else all evening. He hasn't batted an eyelid. I know he doesn't know that I only eat a carrot for lunch and he doesn't really know about the calorie content of foods, but you think he'd realise... especially knowing I have an eating disorder.

I don't know how to feel about it. Maybe it's just because he's completely unaware about food. And it isn't on his mind all the time, like it is mine.

Today's been a good day. I wanted to do something together this evening but we couldn't think of anything we both wanted to do. What kind of relationship is that? When you can't think of something to do to spend time together? It's times like this when I realise I don't have much in common with my boyfriend. And that worries me.

I know this entry hasn't been particularly food-related. Food's been good today 348cals for today and I've burnt off 100cals in exercise, will do some crunches and stuff later. Can't wait to weigh myself tomorrow!

Nam xx

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FRAN-SOLEIL 2/26/2010 4:30PM

    Maybe something's going on with your boyfriend too, which is why he hasn't noticed. I wouldn't be afraid to tell him if you want him to ask you more about these types of things. Sometimes Ben and I don't really know what to do either. We live in a town of 4,000 people, so there isn't always exciting activities going on. We do like to go hiking or play guitar hero.

That said, it's important to ask yourself these kind of questions from time to time. I think that the only essential 'thing in common' for a relationship to work (romance, friendship, or whatever) is values.

What about dried fruit or nuts as a snack. They are healthy, tasty, and can give you some extra calories... I know your mind might not want them, but I can imagine your body does.

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A better day

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Though I felt mentally strong yesterday, I was physically quite weak. When it came to lunch, I couldn't eat the whole tin of soup I had planned because I felt sick and dizzy. But I taught my way through it, distracted myself by telling kids to line up their columns in maths or to stop talking and listen to the teacher.
By the time I got home and had a little sit down, I was fine again.

Today, I've had a lot more energy. I think it's just my body getting used to having less food. That or I did too much jumping on the spot in the playground trying to keep myself warm!

I'm pretty surprised at how I've resisted eating things I've told myself I can have. Like at film club - the kids always bring in tons of food to eat and I usually bring in a fair amount. I said I was allowed a cereal bar and a mini choc muffin. Instead, I had a small carrot and just the top off the mini muffin (I'm also surprised I didn't gobble the whole muffin having had a bit!).

Scales told me I was down a pound this morning. That's 1lb closer to my goal! Only another 10 to go. If I do it with the average of 2lbs a week, I'll be there in 5weeks.

I really need to up my exercise though. I did a pilates DVD Monday and some jumping in the playground, but beyond that, nothing. I'll take 15mins before I go to bed to play on my stability ball I think.

I will make my goal. I will stay strong.

Nam xx

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PRITIKRITI 2/25/2010 6:02PM

    I love how telling yourself that you can have anything you want, makes you want it less (reverse psychology at it's best! haha jk)! Love it!! You're doing great :-)

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BBLUNDON 2/25/2010 3:12PM

    one day at a time

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