Sunday, June 15, 2014
Ever hear the "it will just click one day" statement? I have said it many times. Well today it clicked for me, again. Two and half years ago, I had a click and just started eating right and losing weight. For some reason, my memory remembers it as some sort of smooth riding weight loss train without bumps and bruises. My memory is lying to me. I went back and read my blogs from 2012. I struggled. I struggled a lot. And yet, through all that struggle, I still managed to lose almost 50 lbs in 6 months. I had many blog entries where I was so upset with myself from a weekend binge drinking/eating session. Even with those many events, I still managed to do it. I still managed to keep losing weight. I shake my head to think that my memory has led me astray all this time thinking that the last time I lost weight I somehow magically had it all together. That's a lie.
I have been really depressed lately. I was recently diagnosed with Cyclothymia, which is a mild version of bipolar disorder. It explains my roller coaster emotions, my problems with motivation and mood swings, my depression episodes, my days of unbelievable motivation, my short temper, my lack of ability to remember things, and my inability to complete tasks and focus. I thought I had ADD. So with that, I have a medicine I just started and I am hoping it helps with some of my negative habits.
Sometimes the best starting places are the unplanned. I didn't plan to start anything today, but I did. I have tracked all my calories today and will continue to do so. I owe myself. I owe myself the feeling of weightloss. I owe myself a healthy, happy body. I am not happy where I am. If I could be happy and 300 lbs, bring it on, but I am not happy... I am miserable and uncomfortable. So now is the time. Today it all just clicked.
I don't plan to do anything other than stay in calorie range. I am not setting up a fitness plan or a running goal or anything. All I want to do is count my calories and stay in range.
So this time next week, I fully expect to be posting a "Week 1 WeightLoss" blog. :D
Spark on Sparklers.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
I have had it! Waiting on God.... I pray and pray and pray and I am still the same, if not worse.
The thing is, I am pretty sure He is tired of waiting on me. The deal is, He told me what to do years ago. But me and my stubbornness or laziness, I can't figure out which one, decided not to listen or do what He said and continued right down the same path of wrongdoing and back sliding. The problem is not God. The problem is me.
I have known for a very long time that I was not going to have a miracle testimony. I was not going to wake up one day and God changed me. He does that for some people, but He wasn't going to be doing that for me. I know that, He told me! "Deborah, you are going to have to put the work in. I am NOT just going to give it to you." He told me very clearly, but me and my laziness decided I might be able to pray that away. In my misery, God might just spare me the hassle and work. He hasn't and He won't. So why am I mad at Him? He never promised me an easy path. He never promised to take this all away one day and yet I am mad at Him that I am still the same. Every day I wake up the same and every day I pray for change... Then, oh get this, then I have the audacity to lose my faith. Hear this, last week, this is rich, last week I started to question if God even existed. Why? Because I am still who I am. Isn't that funny? Seriously now. I questioned the existence of my maker. The One thing that has held me together all these years, why? Because I am still fat! How easily we forget. How easily I forget. I could list off on many pages all the ways He has saved me and I have the audacity to question His existence because I can't stop putting food in my mouth and am too lazy to take the dog for a walk?! I told you it was rich....
So now what?
I don't want to make a plan... another plan I fail to follow.
I don't know what to do at this point. I do know, I don't want this.
I have a fantastic life. My husband, oh my goodness, the man couldn't be more perfect. He is there for me in every way possible. He is the most excellent provider. He loves me and all of my flaws. Honestly, I don't even feel like I deserve him. How sad is that?
My children, they couldn't be more amazing. My oldest has got to be the best child. She is so smart and forgiving and caring and fantastic. I wish I was her when I was her age. The self esteem of that child, not ego, but pure self esteem, oh my goodness I wish I had that at 16. I wish I had it now. She is going to be somebody. She is somebody. I am so blessed by her.
My youngest, how great is she? I fail in every way and she still tells me she loves me and I am the best mommy in the world. She is so kind and caring. She loves in the most unconditional way. She sees the good in the world. She cares for everyone. She prays for food and water for the poor. She is obedient and loving and everything good about life.
My twins, one day, one day they will see the world. Spread their love. Be all God meant for them to be. I'll never understand this situation with them. God knows, I don't. I know they are meant for fantastic things. I know one day things will be as they should.
This life of mine. I take it for granted. I abuse it. We all know what we are supposed to do and yet we take one more trip around the mountain. Failing....
Are you tired?
So now what?
Thursday, April 10, 2014
How many times do you have to say "Today is the day" before it really is today? I feel like the boy that cried wolf. I have proclaimed "Enough is enough" more times than I can remember and yet here I am no better off than I was any of the last 20 times I proclaimed "TODAY IT BEGINS!" It never did really begin did it? Months pass by and the progress is there. Matter of fact, the start place keeps getting moved further and further back.
In my email last night, I got the race photos from the half marathon I did on the 30th and I looked AWFUL! My first thought was "OMG My husband looks at this every day and still wants me?!" Its the truth.... I felt ashamed for him, ashamed for myself. I am lucky, not every fat girl has the husband I do that loves me and wants me no matter what. But I don't want me, and that's the bigger issue.
I have bitched and moaned and complained for the past 3 years about how I don't want to track and I want to do every other things besides track my foods, but the deal is, and I have written about this before. I HAVE TO TRACK! There will come a day when i don't need to track, but I have no accountability of my actions if I don't track. So I am back to tracking.
I also took all the crap off the treadmill and I set back up the treadmill desk. I am walking and typing on it right now. So I have a new rule. NO FACEBOOK, NO READING EMAILS, NO SCROLLING PAGES unless I am on the treadmill. I have a half of a mile in and all I have done is setup the computer and start typing this blog.
I just can't keep going like this. My depression is getting too bad and I need something to be celebratory about. I finished a freaking half marathon and I couldn't even celebrate because I went in untrained, unprepared, and it took me a way long time. I wasn't competing, I was completing and that crap is for the birds. I find no victory in that. I didn't try my hardest, I just happened to cross the finish line without quitting.
So my goals are this... Be out of the 290s by May. That's 6lbs and totally plausible. Abide by my no sitting to troll the web. Track my foods and stay in my food range. I know with those two things, I can reach my goals. There is no reason for me to continue to be fat. There just isn't.
So I am DONE!
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Vicious cycles of failure and defeat. I am desperately trying to salvage my motivation. Why oh why is it so very easy to throw all our goals and plans out the window? God is trying to teach me a lesson about dependence on Him and I try, I have all the intentions, but when the temptation is there I have noticed my brain doesn't even signal a cry out for help. I don't think, not even for one second. And if I do think for one second, its like the thought never happened. I am so confused by myself. I want this so bad and yet I can carelessly pop things in my mouth that aren't on plan and not think a thought about it. WHY?! I don't understand myself. I am trying really hard to figure out why this is, but I don't get it. I don't see why I don't think. In general if I am doing something wrong or something I shouldn't, I get a "caution flag" thrown, but with food, NOTHING.
So what do I do? I keep praying but even in that, its not full hearted.
I started tracking today. I figured if I couldn't stick to my eating plan, I at least needed to stick to my calorie intake.
It was nice to look at my Spark page and realize I am not some kind of failure. The "10 pounds lost" is still true. I lost 10lbs in January! That means I only have 65lbs more to go to reach my goals.
I won't be defeated. God made me for more than this.
I am going to make it!
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