Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Vicious cycles of failure and defeat. I am desperately trying to salvage my motivation. Why oh why is it so very easy to throw all our goals and plans out the window? God is trying to teach me a lesson about dependence on Him and I try, I have all the intentions, but when the temptation is there I have noticed my brain doesn't even signal a cry out for help. I don't think, not even for one second. And if I do think for one second, its like the thought never happened. I am so confused by myself. I want this so bad and yet I can carelessly pop things in my mouth that aren't on plan and not think a thought about it. WHY?! I don't understand myself. I am trying really hard to figure out why this is, but I don't get it. I don't see why I don't think. In general if I am doing something wrong or something I shouldn't, I get a "caution flag" thrown, but with food, NOTHING.
So what do I do? I keep praying but even in that, its not full hearted.
I started tracking today. I figured if I couldn't stick to my eating plan, I at least needed to stick to my calorie intake.
It was nice to look at my Spark page and realize I am not some kind of failure. The "10 pounds lost" is still true. I lost 10lbs in January! That means I only have 65lbs more to go to reach my goals.
I won't be defeated. God made me for more than this.
I am going to make it!
Monday, January 20, 2014
I am a Jesus girl, but that doesn't mean you can't read my blogs. I am totally normal, well as normal as I can get and that has jack to do with my faith. I am going to go off on a little rant first and then go into how things that have been going. I have a friend who isn't "religious" (btw I am not either, I am a Christian, I am not religious, anyway) and anyone who happens to talk about their faith she calls "Super Relig" and then sort of puts them into some sort of other category like they aren't normal, like they never do any wrong, or are super uptight, condemning, or ununderstandable... that's not Jesus. (I actually think God put me in her life to break her judgement on Christians) Just like with anything, there will always be the radicals. No matter what your religion, your race, your stance in life, even your football team, there are always going to be the crazies that for some reason always endup in the spot light giving a bad name to the whole group. I don't feel like there is anything strange or weird about me giving credit for my life's blessing to God, just the same as a non believer, would give credit for success to themselves or someone else or something else and noone would be taken aback by that. Some where the line got really skewed and stereotypes and generalization took over. You don't have to believe what I believe and I don't have to believe what you believe. We will respect each. That's the rules.
So off my soap box...
Things this year aligned very similarly to how they did last year. I went back and read my blogs from this time last year and was trying to piece together what happened. I was having such success and then boom, quit. In a way I think it was trying to figure out how to fit my old life into my new life. A stumbling block for me for years has been trying to live both ways. I never could shake off the old and step into the new, I was trying to wear a new coat over my old coat and that didn't fit and was uncomfortable. Take off the old coat, put the new coat on, then try to put the old coat back over the new coat, take that off, start over, buy a new coat, put it on, take it off, put the old coat back on, put the new coat back on, take them both off, "hey maybe get a new coat because this isn't working"... the problem is the old coat. I really need to donate it or burn it; stop putting it back on the coat rack.
Going over those blogs gave me a little insight and made me realize that what I am doing I must do with kid gloves and I must listen to God. He is guiding me. He is the one that got me here again. I can look back over the past three week and see the push to one area or the other (coincidences some people would say), certain circumstances coming into to play at just the right moment, those God whispers that bring thoughts I never would have thought... So many intricate moments that all bring me to where I am now. Its scary to think of how big God is. How much control over our lives He has and how well He can work if we let Him in. People always forget that we have free will. They blame God for bad things, but forget that we have free will, we are not robots and with that free will comes bad, sometimes terrible things. God is always with me, but if I don't listen, if I ignore, if I follow my own path, if I go my own way, who's fault is it for where I end up? I have prayed for a long time to be set free. Free from my addictions. I have an addictive personality. I come from an addicted family. Whether it is hoarding or alcohol or drugs or other things, we have addictive traits. I have struggled for a long time wanting to live in the grey; not wanting to give up some of my old ways and still incorporating new ways... That doesn't work. Some people can dabble in grey, with my addictive trait, I have to be black or white. I must be all in. Last year, I thought God stopped hearing me. I thought maybe He grew tired of the same old prayers, watching me cycle through the same pattern of good intentions with no follow through. I let the Devil tell me God didn't care about me any more or my stupid problems and I was just destined to be this way. I was going to be a Fat, Lazy, Alcoholic for the rest of my life and that was just how God made me. I listened to the enemy feed me these lies about the person I was, about how I was doomed to failure. I cried out to God asking him "Why do you leave me this way? Do you really want your child like this? Why won't you help me? I know you can so easily fix this. Why do you make me suffer and waste so many years the same?" God answered me, but I didn't like the answer. I have cried out many times and the answer has been the same. God told me "I am not going to hand it to you Deborah. You have to work for it. There is a testimony here and I am not going to let you breeze through. WORK FOR IT!" I didn't want to hear that. I ignored it. I wanted God to fix me. FIX ME NOW! But really, what I was asking for was an easy way out; A God fad diet you might say. I wanted to wake up and all my problems be fixed. I wanted to breeze through my day with efficiency and all of a sudden be a gazelle like runner. For some, God does lead them to easy breakthrough, but for me, I know it won't come for me like that. But I thank God every day for this life I have. This life I tried so very hard to destroy over the years. This body I abused and yet still carries me through life. The fact that I am alive is enough to believe in God. Without him... I am and have nothing.
So this week's Happy Dance. I am 13 days into the 17 day Diet. I started at 300lbs and today I stepped on the scale and 289 popped up. HAPPY DANCE
I am doing well with my food. I have thrown in a few crackers or pretzels (not many, just for a crunch since I am out of carrots and celery). I am a texture eater and I like crunchy .
Apple Cider Vinegar is working well I think. Yesterday I had some of the ACV Tonic I make with fresh apple or pear juice, honey, ACV, lemon, and ginger, then went off to the stores for coupon deals and didn't end up eating until 3. Not that that's a good way to eat but it was very out of the norm. On a normal day, I would have obsessed about it being "time to eat". Yesterday I just continued what I was doing until I got home to make something. I got home and made some apples, yogurt, and mixed nuts (one of my favorite things). Then I just had that... WHAT?!?! That is so not like me. But it did the trick and then I ate dinner late at 9 (some spaghetti squash, turkey meatballs I made, sauce, cheese, and mushrooms.)
I did get my run in yesterday. I have been neglecting my running, always finding an excuse not to go. If I just get my clothes on, then I am going, but that's a struggle every time. Today I am putting my treadmill back inside and I committed to doing at least one mile a day. I hate the treadmill so it may just force me outside...lol.. mind games we play.
Anyhow, I hope everyone is still following along with their new plans for the new year. I hate February sometimes. Its like the weeks of frustration and giving up for most people. I pray they all keep moving forward towards success.
Monday, January 13, 2014
So last week I was a blubbering baby. Its been a good week. I missed my Saturday training. I did that last Saturday too. The thing is that its not that I am actually not excercising Saturday. What I am doing on Saturday is making up for missing Thursdays. Why can't I do Thursdays? Espcially since I have Friday to make up if I miss it? I even have Wednesday if I want to get ahead. Today I have a 75 minute long run...YAY... eye roll. Being a fat, slow runner is not so fun. I just keep visualizing the day when I am more speedy and it doesn't take me so long or take as much effort. Who's idea was this half marathon thing anyway, because she is so fired? Oh right, mine...
So anywho. My commitment to my diet has gone well. Saturday I had a minor problem caused by Four Cheese Cheezits. It was 1am and I lapsed. I grabbed a hand full and ate them. Luckily, they were not the delicious heaven I swore they were going to be when I grabbed the box. They are resistible. I keep them out of site in the closet so I don't see them, just in case.
I am down 5lbs so far and can't wait to see how much I lose this week. If its the same as last year, I should expect another 5lbs. YIPPEE.
So I made some juice. I have been using my juicer to juice one apple or pear to use to shoot Apple Cider Vinegar with. I can't be one of those people that puts it in water. ITS DISGUSTING!!! So I figured I would just take shots. That works! Since I have this blood clotting disorder (Factor V Leiden) I can't eat any of the typical super foods... Goji, OUT! Acai, OUT! Mulberry, OUT! Green Tea, OUT! Lots of green leafies, OUT! Ginseng, OUT! St Johns wart, OUT!... the list goes on. So I figured I should at least use the one I can take which is unfiltered, unpasterized Apple Cider Vinegar. Anyway, back to my juice... We get bountiful baskets from bountifulbaskets.org (check it out if it is in your area, its pure awesomeness) and this week their were juice packs. For 8.50 you get everything you need to juice... well almost everything, I didn't get spinach this time. I was going to make one of those Dr OZ green drinks, but since I had no spinach I thought I would throw in some kale. Then I thought "hey beets are healthy" and threw one in. What I ended up with was deep, deep purple and tasted like... scrunch face... health. There is no other word for it... health or disgusting... one of the two. I drank one glass because I just had to since I had essentially wasted all those veggies and fruit. Since then I have been using the "health" drink as a base for the ACV. Its one big shot of yuck, but hey, its healthy right?
Anyhow... that's what I got going on.
Tuesday, January 07, 2014
I cried last night and I have tears in my eyes as I write this. I can't remember when was the last time I felt like this. So desperately disappointed in myself and like many others I look in the mirror and say "How did I let this happen?!"
Maybe I fell some where on the path to success into the trap of complacency and then right on into the prison of denial. I remember specifically thinking 18 months ago when my weight loss halted that I could simply stall and then pick right back up again; no biggie. But that didn't happen. The pounds crept back on month by month. I would get a small glimpse of motivation and lose a few pounds, only to put them back on the next month. Somewhere along the way I covered my eyes and just let go. I stopped trying. I gave in. I gave up. I lied to myself and told myself that at any point I could change and at some point "real soon" I was going to get myself together and "fix this". Lied to myself like a drug addict saying they could quit anytime...
The feelings that I have right now, its sadness and disappointment and frustration. Yes I know there is no damage that can't be undone and we'll pick ourselves up and blah blah blah, wagons and all that crap... but I have to acknowledge these feelings I have because I don't cry a lot, not like this, not over things like this. Its like you sit and mourn the things that could have been if you just would have done what you should have done. Mourning the person that never was but could have been. Frustrated that you couldn't stick it out. Angry at yourself for being so weak. Disappointed because you know you are better and more capable than this. And the fighter in you is pissed because you are sitting there crying, while the logical part of you says "Oh just get over it, you know your going to fix all this.". And still you cry.
I looked in the mirror last night and I looked 9 months pregnant. My stomach... I just shake my head. And my husband, I feel so bad for him. He's a real trooper and stuck by me all these years, all this time, all this weight, up and down. I am not the wife I should be, could be, the one I am inside. He loves me, but he deserves better.
My daughter has been upset with me for two days because we are supposed to be training for the half marathon (she is doing the one mile) and I didn't go Sunday and yesterday was too cold. Excuses...
My husband wakes up at 5:15am for work and for the last few months I have been being lazy and some nights I'll make his lunch so I don't have to in the morning and some mornings I'll get up for 20 minutes just to make his lunch and coffee and then head back to bed. I know if I go back to bed, my day is shot because I won't get up until 10ish and then my productivity level is so low and I am so inefficient that I squander five hours pittling around.
I have a flexible part time job and an ebay store I work from home. My lax life lets me be lazy. If I was more efficient, I have the opportunity to do so many things. I know people who would love my schedule and flexibility and could do so much with it; I waste it away.
Yesterday I decided no matter how well I slept or how tired I was, I was getting up when my husband got up and I was staying up to get things done. Yesterday I had all these plans for my day... a mere quarter were completed. That brought me down.
Today I was up at 5:30am. Sent my husband off, school is back in sessions, got my daughter off to school. Once I got home I put on my workout clothes (that no longer fit well) and took before pictures. Got on the Wii and did 18 minutes. Then here I am... crying and blogging.
And you know, that's ok. I have to recognize how I feel. Acknowledge where I am. I have to take it all in, this last two and half years (that just boggled my mind, I had to actually count it out. I lost a year somewhere),I don't know what happened, but life imploded on me and I think I went into autopilot. There is no excuse. I stopped trying, really trying. I pretended to try some times. I put a little effort in, for a little while. But if you really look at all that time, I got lazy. I am lazy by nature and I can waste a whole day, a whole week, and apparently a whole year or two, and have very little to show for my time progress wise. I have a battle of the mind. Its time to wage war and win!
So now that I am done crying over my fat and wasted time. Here is my plan...
Last night I decided I was going back on the 17 day diet. I did really well with it the last two times I tried it (and if I would have stuck with it, I would be at my goal weight twice over by now). I need a jump start. Mostly though I need to fit back in my clothes. I can't fit into my jeans and I have like two shirts to wear. When I lost weight before, I did it with exercise and tracking, but I just don't want to track. I spend enough time on the computer, I don't want to spend any more on it tracking. So back to the 17 day diet. The first 17 days you are supposed to do 17 minutes of exercise a day so I am going to do that on my Wii. I also have my half training and I am fully going to complete that. I am going to have to supplement a banana or some pre-workout food and I will probably follow up my weekly long run with a low-fat glass of chocolate milk. Today I have a long run, but its only an hour so I should be fine.
I have also restarted FlyLady and I plan to follow those strategies for my home. They help with my productivity in other areas and help me be more organized.
So there lies the plan. I have my previous goals in place for my mileage. I now have a food plan. I have an exercise plan. Goal for January is to be out of the 290s. I have over three weeks to get there and I know its going to happen.
Here are the ghastly before pictures. I won't dwell on them too long because I know my bakery top (its not even a muffin anymore) will be dwindling soon.
Yesterday the scale said 300 and today it said the same... (FACE PALM!)
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