 
 
 
149/154Monday, July 30, 2012
Today I went to visit my friend Mona. We had a class together in undergrad, and we were both in grad school together, and in the same lab. She had a baby right before I got married, and since then another two babies. She and I were pregnant at the same time, but she miscarried - but had another successful pregnancy several months later. It was still really disappointing and sad. 
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BEECHNUT13
8/1/2012 11:05AM
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I'm hoping by giving it away to someone I'm very close friends with, that if I need it, I can get it back (unless she's using it, of course). And that I won't get that panicky - "It's gone! Now I want another!" feeling. If it's still getting used by Bayley... I'll go buy used if I have to! It was going to be used by me or used by someone else anyway. Hehehehe... but yea, I thought I'd want another, but it's not hitting me. And here Avery is already three.
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SEXBOBOMB
8/1/2012 10:45AM
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I am the only child of an only child and I gave birth to an only child. Having one baby? It's kind of a thing in our family. So, I kind one knew that I'd be "one and done", but MeadsBay is right -- just be *sure* before you give it all away, because you're still young enough that the desire could come again. And yay, another Mom who nursed! "The body not mine" feeling is so spot-on, but nearly ten years later, I'm so glad I did it (for both practical and emotional reasons)! I'd definitely do it again, even though I have had dreams in the years since where suddenly I'm lactating again and my boobs are, like, rock-hard and hurty and there's no baby in sight! That part? I don't miss! 
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BEECHNUT13
8/1/2012 10:05AM
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I'll email it to you! :-D Liz - My plan was that I wanted all kids out of the house by the time I was 50, because Airin moved in with Halen. Which means I have to get pregnant within a few months to meet that deadline - I'll be 32 next June. We never had any time with just us. And it's time for Airin to focus on school and a career... it might come back with a vengeance, but I think I'll fight it off. ;) Report Inappropriate Comment |
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MEADSBAY
7/31/2012 6:06PM
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Maybe take the big things to a kids' consignment store? Are you suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure? That baby hunger could come back with a vengeance- any time up till age 40 or so. 
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JAYNINNE
7/31/2012 12:46PM
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I don't feel comfortable commenting on your baby wanting situation. I am naive in that. I just finished the Warrior Dash and now I want to do a 10K. Could you share your training plan with me? Report Inappropriate Comment |
My cousin and her husband came to visit yesterday and they stayed overnight. We had a great time. I miss my cousin and wish we could hang out more, but she lives over an hour away now that I'm in cow country.
Today I tried to do my back stretches and exercises. First, I lay over the big swiss ball to stretch out the discs in my back or the vertebrae or whatever the hell they are. My spine. Anyway, I do that about 10 times, 15 seconds each time (otherwise the blood would rush to my head and I could pass out).
Then I laid on my back to do bridge for 15 seconds 10 times, but my back hurt to lay on the floor. I thought about how sh*tty I felt, and how it seems I'll never get better. I thought about how everyone I go to see to help me gives me a different story as to what is wrong, and how to fix it. And I thought about how I'm confused, and in pain, and how I'm not making progress, just getting worse.
And then I thought about all my friends who completed the Warrior Dash this weekend, and about how they all looked like they were having a great time, covered in mud, being strong and better than me. One of my friends had a great costume, and the most amazing abs. And here I was, laying on my floor, unable to do a simple bridge on a ball.
So then I got upset and started to cry. I despaired in the back yard, and then told myself to shut up, go in, and do something else. Make some effing progress.
So I laid on the floor, and tried to suck in my belly button - like in Pilates, where you engage your entire core. I do that in physical therapy. The PT said that my ab muscles were very thin there - because my abs are weak.
I couldn't even do that. It hurt my back to try and do it on the floor. Maybe I can do it on my bed... but then I said eff it again, got up, and sat back down. Because apparently that's all I can do. I don't walk right. My back is all wrong. I can't lay on my back. All I can do is sit and run (very slowly because I'm fat).
I'm broken and fat, and I hate to see my reflection. I'm wrong inside and out.
I'm so full of regret that I did that race. I should have copped out. I had just moved 5 days before. I hadn't been working out - just running. But I promised my friend, and so I went. And I regret that I did that obstacle... I felt stupid for chickening out on another one, but somehow talked myself into climbing up that wall... without thinking about how I would get down. And there I was, stuck at the top of the wall. And everyone was saying "Come on, you can do it!" and there was hay at the bottom, and my friend just did it, and she was ok, and I just needed to get down that rope.
And that was it. Here it is, a full year later, and I'm still in pain. A daily reminder of my failure - at that race, and with athletics in general. I'm so sick of people saying "You can do it!" and "We're all athletes!"
Because it's not true.
I never was an athlete, and every time I try to do anything, I fail. All I can do is run. But you know what? I don't even do that well. I do it slowly. I pant. I didn't come in dead last at my first 10K, but I did come in last in my age group. LAST. Sixth out of six. Oh well, at least no one is counting on me during runs. I can suck, and it's no one's business but my own.
I'm sad, and I'm angry. I want to cry, and I want to punch.
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