Friday, August 03, 2012
Today was fun, but I ate too much and didn't move enough. Tomorrow I have a run scheduled, and then Airin and I are taking a day together since both the kids - and grandparents - will be busy! I'm hoping tomorrow includes some sushi...
Also, when I talked to Airin about serious things, he is so evasive! It drives me nuts.
Thursday, August 02, 2012
Well... I'm at my in-laws. We got my BIL a cake for his birthday, and it was not very good - I didn't finish it. Sorry, but my butt didn't get this big by NOT finishing cake. Oh, and we went to Panera on the way here, and I had my favorite: the Mediterranean Veggie sandwich, and I got a Greek salad to go with it. Yummmmm... I wish we had Panera in Adrian.
So, I posted this picture yesterday, and it caused quite a stir on my Facebook page:
because one of my friends - who has body issues - said that the women on the top were like the Mercedes of women or something to that effect. That men prefer the women on top, and that the women on the bottom were approximately of an overweight BMI. Anyway, there was much back and forth.
I think the women on top look like coke whores. And I thought maybe they doctored up the picture for a greater contrast, but NO. That's the real pic that Victoria's Secret put out - "Love My Body" must be referring to THEIR bodies, not MY body, because certainly I do not look like that in VS's underwear.
To be honest, I'd be pretty happy to look like the women in the Dove ad!
To counteract what typically happens at my in-laws' house, Airin and I have made some plans. His plan is to keep things in balance - so, if he wants junk food, he has to have a salad first. He already does that with his beverages - he makes himself drink a glass of water before he allows himself a cup of coffee (I need that rule - I rarely drink water. If it doesn't have caffeine or alcohol in it, what's he point?).
I have two rules. First, I may only eat sitting down. If I do that, I have to pay attention to what I'm eating. No walking past the M&M container and snitching a few every so often. If I want some, I have to take them and sit and eat them. Second, I am tracking. I should have been tracking this evening as I went, but I forgot about it. But I'll track a few times per day to help keep me on track.
I also have an additional plan - on Saturday I'll be taking advantage of the hilly trail, and do some running. And if I feel like it Monday morning, and I can run again (if not, I had been planning on Tuesday anyway). At least one day this weekend, I'm going to get in a run.
On the drive here, I worked on my syllabus for one of my classes... my summer vacation is quickly coming to a close. Time to get my butt in gear.
Wednesday, August 01, 2012
Wow, I'm about halfway to the goal date, and I haven't lost any weight! Bahahaha, boohoohoo, waahahahahah hahahahaha...
Today I went through some baby clothes. Wow. Avery got big!
I had a physical therapy appointment yesterday, and we worked on my core. I have NO muscle in my core. There is actually one point in my very low back, where instead of feeling muscle the PT just felt bone (and fat, of course). So it's going to be a hill climb. I am very weak in the core. The exercises we did were very easy (well, to most people): laying on my back and pulling in my belly button to engage my core, doing that while rolling a swiss ball out with my feet. I couldn't do bridge because it hurt my back. Oh, and doing a shallow squat while keeping my back straight, and using 1 lb handweights while swinging my arms. Yep. Abs are sore.
So yea. My back is screwed, but I think it can get better. I have a lot of play in my hips, which I shouldn't - and it's because I have no muscle in my very low back. And then my not-so-low-back is trying to compensate. This puts a lot of strain on my spine. And... here I am. It makes me feel like crap, but at least I have some hope again.
Tomorrow morning I have another appointment with the PT, and then we're going to visit my in-laws for the weekend. I'm excited to go and see them. Here's to hoping I don't gain 4 lbs while I'm there! They're a big meat and potatoes and ice cream type of family.
Tonight I'm making eggplant parmesan... yummmm....
Monday, July 30, 2012
Today I went to visit my friend Mona. We had a class together in undergrad, and we were both in grad school together, and in the same lab. She had a baby right before I got married, and since then another two babies. She and I were pregnant at the same time, but she miscarried - but had another successful pregnancy several months later. It was still really disappointing and sad.
She wanted lots of kids. I thought I wanted two of my own, plus Halen. But it turns out that I was done after Avery. I thought I'd want more, but I haven't had the desire. And now I'm realizing that spending time with Airin and having fun, and not having to constantly take care of little people, is what I want to do next.
The 'test' would be whether holding her baby (who is 6 months) would make me want a baby. Nope. I'm done. He whined, and she'd pick him up. He wanted the boob. He wanted some mashed cherries. He pooped up his onesie. Meanwhile, she had her two daughters running around. One pouted for over an hour because she wanted a ring pop (she didn't get it - very funny though). The other is in the midst of the two's. And... nope, no desire to do that again. No desire to do it more. I'm fine with Avery, and Halen tests my patience plenty.
I'm already eye-balling the baby stuff in my basement... planning on getting rid of it! I have all the baby accessories - the high chair, car seat, pack-n-play, swing, bouncy seat, infant gym, boppy, mobile, dinosaur bedding (I might have to hold onto that...), exersaucer, etc... and it's taking up a bunch of room. That's not including the clothes! Bin-fuls. And I've sold some at a garage sale already.
I figured I would take really good care of the stuff, because I was planning on having more, so it's all in great shape. But I think I'm done. I thought maybe I would sell it all at a garage sale... but my friend wants to try having a baby after she is done being on narcotics for an up-coming knee surgery. And here my friend Mona could probably use some baby clothes, too. And I think I'd rather give the stuff to people I care about than sell it really cheap to people I don't know.
And part of me is scared that I'll sell it and then get pregnant. And be completely screwed! I had a pregnancy scare a couple months ago - yes, I was scared. I was relieved to find that I was just really late. That's how I knew I was done.
And I was not a fan of nursing. It was free food, which I liked, and perfect nutrition. But I felt so tied down, like my body wasn't mine. And lactating at inconvenient times was... inconvenient.
Mona fed me A LOT and I ate A LOT. I'm a bit scared about weighing myself tomorrow. Another disappointment on the Wii Fit, I bet. I thought I would bust through over the weekend. I really want to see the 160's, but I can't seem to find anything less than 174.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
My cousin and her husband came to visit yesterday and they stayed overnight. We had a great time. I miss my cousin and wish we could hang out more, but she lives over an hour away now that I'm in cow country.
Today I tried to do my back stretches and exercises. First, I lay over the big swiss ball to stretch out the discs in my back or the vertebrae or whatever the hell they are. My spine. Anyway, I do that about 10 times, 15 seconds each time (otherwise the blood would rush to my head and I could pass out).
Then I laid on my back to do bridge for 15 seconds 10 times, but my back hurt to lay on the floor. I thought about how sh*tty I felt, and how it seems I'll never get better. I thought about how everyone I go to see to help me gives me a different story as to what is wrong, and how to fix it. And I thought about how I'm confused, and in pain, and how I'm not making progress, just getting worse.
And then I thought about all my friends who completed the Warrior Dash this weekend, and about how they all looked like they were having a great time, covered in mud, being strong and better than me. One of my friends had a great costume, and the most amazing abs. And here I was, laying on my floor, unable to do a simple bridge on a ball.
So then I got upset and started to cry. I despaired in the back yard, and then told myself to shut up, go in, and do something else. Make some effing progress.
So I laid on the floor, and tried to suck in my belly button - like in Pilates, where you engage your entire core. I do that in physical therapy. The PT said that my ab muscles were very thin there - because my abs are weak.
I couldn't even do that. It hurt my back to try and do it on the floor. Maybe I can do it on my bed... but then I said eff it again, got up, and sat back down. Because apparently that's all I can do. I don't walk right. My back is all wrong. I can't lay on my back. All I can do is sit and run (very slowly because I'm fat).
I'm broken and fat, and I hate to see my reflection. I'm wrong inside and out.
I'm so full of regret that I did that race. I should have copped out. I had just moved 5 days before. I hadn't been working out - just running. But I promised my friend, and so I went. And I regret that I did that obstacle... I felt stupid for chickening out on another one, but somehow talked myself into climbing up that wall... without thinking about how I would get down. And there I was, stuck at the top of the wall. And everyone was saying "Come on, you can do it!" and there was hay at the bottom, and my friend just did it, and she was ok, and I just needed to get down that rope.
And that was it. Here it is, a full year later, and I'm still in pain. A daily reminder of my failure - at that race, and with athletics in general. I'm so sick of people saying "You can do it!" and "We're all athletes!"
Because it's not true.
I never was an athlete, and every time I try to do anything, I fail. All I can do is run. But you know what? I don't even do that well. I do it slowly. I pant. I didn't come in dead last at my first 10K, but I did come in last in my age group. LAST. Sixth out of six. Oh well, at least no one is counting on me during runs. I can suck, and it's no one's business but my own.
I'm sad, and I'm angry. I want to cry, and I want to punch.
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