Day 43 / 258

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Well, we finally heard back from the first-offer candidate... and she said yes. I like her, so I'm ok with all of that. But I don't know how to tell my friend that he didn't get the job. And he lost his adjunct job when they found out he lived out of the area... and he doesn't have another job offer yet (he does have a 2nd interview though).

I don't know how to tell him... his wife's grandma - who she was close to - just died this past week, and they had the funeral this weekend. Now, more bad news for their entire family. They were hoping he would get the job out here, so that he and his wife could move back (her family is from southeast Michigan).

Boy, this sucks. Puts my "Oh, waaahhhh, I'm not losing weight fast enough... boohoo" into perspective, doesn't it?

Other things do suck more than the size of my ass.

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I ran tonight for over 3 miles. It was the first time I went farther than 3 miles since I've moved here... I ran my last 5K race on July 10th, I think. And I may have ran 3 miles again after that but before we moved, but I can't remember. Then we moved, and I fell, and then I didn't run again till a couple months ago.

I am officially back to 5K runs. I don't know if I can run a 5K as fast as I could before, but with a little practice - on all these hills - I think I could get there again.

Coach Nancy had a quote in a Spark email that I got this morning:
"Trust the process. As long as you are embracing healthy habits, changes are happening within you."

Boy, I hope that's true. I have been eating my fruits and veggies, exercising a ton more than I used to (especially now that I've been walking to and from work most days), and now I'm even getting better with my water. I've been on Sparkpeople a lot, trying to make new Spark Friends, reading articles, trying to stay motivated. Not "excited." But motivated to finish.

Tonight I thought about cutting out after 2 miles... I was running loops around my neighborhood, past my house... which is hard to do. But I forced myself to turn the other way, and just keep going. And then when I was almost done, I thought "I can just stop here, at the house" but then I somehow convinced myself "just go the other 4 houses and get to the end of the street, and then we can figure out how much farther". Then I got to the end of the street, and I turned around and ran back to the house again. I just kept pushing a little bit and a little bit, and I did over 3 miles. I somehow convinced myself to run another mile, even when I felt like being done at 2.

But the more I say "I don't feel like it" and listen to that voice... the less likely it will be that I get thinner.

Yesterday, I took a break from working my poor legs - between running and walking, they're tired. But I did lift some weights. Gotta get rid of those dreaded bat wings.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SEXBOBOMB 4/16/2012 10:05PM

"Other things do suck more than the size of my ass." HA! Beechnut, I'm digging your blogs! Report Inappropriate Comment

BEECHNUT13 4/16/2012 7:53PM

Liz - I told him I'd let him know when I found out, because from what I heard they weren't going to notify the other candidates... but I wasn't going to have him keep waiting for a rejection letter. Lynne - I hope he finds something... but I wish it could have been here! What really really really pisses me off is that if we'd all voted, he would have been first offer. But the retiring person is overly sensitive, and someone made a comment about retiring faculty trying to shape the department or hire people just like them, and so he decided not to vote. He's disappointed now too, but it's like - well, you should have voted! But thanks for your support, for me and D. And I don't know if I'm a good mentor to have. And you referred me! :) Kristina - Yea, I'm pretty disappointed. :( Report Inappropriate Comment

MEADSBAY 4/16/2012 2:55PM

Do you HAVE to be the one to tell him? That sux, for sure. Keep up the good work- trust the process. Report Inappropriate Comment

LYNNEDAIGLE 4/16/2012 10:48AM

I'm sure D will get a job and it'll all work out in the end. Keep up the good work with the exercizing- I could sure learn a thing of two (or three!) from you!! Always my mentor ;) Report Inappropriate Comment

THEORCHIDSONG 4/16/2012 9:10AM

I'm sorry to hear about your friend not getting the offer... Meh... Report Inappropriate Comment

Day 42 / 259

Saturday, April 14, 2012

I weighed myself this morning, as I want to report week-to-week on my Sparkpage my weight... and I am back up to about 178. Their emoticon does not do a very good job at describing the way I feel about this. This one is a little closer:

Fine, I'll measure my waist. I've been walking to and from work (four out of five days this week), running regularly, and I've added some strength training. Maybe I'm getting smaller, even if the scale isn't reflecting it, right?


Wrong. My gut is bigger than it was last time I measured, when I couldn't believe that I hadn't made any progress.

I totally wussed the hell out and cried about it. Last week alone, I burned 2300 calories by exercising. Yes, I did eat more than my calorie range... but not *that* much. How could I have gained 2.5 lbs since YESTERDAY? Why can't I ever seem to LOSE 2.5 lbs since yesterday? Who the hell is making up the rules to this cruel and ridiculous game!?

So, I've been working hard... but I guess I'm not working hard enough. I've been exercising, Sparking, blogging, eating my 5 freggies/day, drinking water (4 per day this week, plus all my coffee)... but nope, not good enough. It's time to let go of the extra calories per day I've been eating beyond my range. They say you need to diet and exercise, but let's be real here... you apparently need to diet, and and exercise is also nice.


Time to be tougher on myself. I think I have a good base, now it's time to really restrict my calories. My range to lose 43 lbs in 43 weeks (now 43 lbs in 37 weeks, unfortunately) is 1250-1600/day. I always eat to the tip top of my range, and often a little more. Time to get back in that range. Ideally around 1400/day.


I am so terrified... I don't have much self-efficacy as far as weight-loss is concerned. I've never been thin, and I've never even gotten close. I've been overweight for so long, I can't imagine life any other way. But I'm so terrified that I'll NEVER get there. That I'll spend the rest of my life hating the way I look, being self-conscious, feeling less-than - that I'll spend the rest of my life never being happy.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BEECHNUT13 4/14/2012 3:25PM

You're right, you're right. Ok, I'm going to stop whining. I was frustrated, I was sad, and now it's over... for now. Till next time I'm in despair. When I got on the scale today, I said, "Well, time to measure my self-worth!" Ah, I was kidding, but there was so much truth in that. I've lamented over this so many times - I have done so much, come so far, blah blah blah... but this one little thing, the thing I can't conquer - that I allow to define me. Why is so much self-worth tied into something so stupid? Report Inappropriate Comment

LYNNEDAIGLE 4/14/2012 3:17PM

I completely agree with SEXBOBOMB! Keep it up, Michelle, but don't lose sight of how awesome you are in all other areas of your life (and how good you look even if you're not your ideal weight!) Report Inappropriate Comment

SEXBOBOMB 4/14/2012 3:13PM

QUOTE: That I'll spend the rest of my life hating the way I look, being self-conscious, feeling less-than - that I'll spend the rest of my life never being happy. END QUOTE Allow me to "Fight Club" you a bit here: You are not your BMI. You are not the number on the scale or the tape measure. You are not your dress size. If you think that you'll never be happy if you never make some arbitrary goal you've set for yourself, you need to settle down, Beavis. I applaud your efforts to improve your health, but if you keep that point of view, you'll never be happy, even when you do reach your goal weight. Report Inappropriate Comment

Day 41 / 260

Friday, April 13, 2012

So, today I asked Airin if Halen went to therapy last night, and he said that he forgot, and he called the office but that the therapist didn't answer. If we go to appointments, the copay is only $10, but if we miss, it costs us like $100. So I was superpissed.

Here there is a run I've wanted to do at the end of the month, and I said that I would miss it this time because money is tight, and it would be expensive for me to drive all the way up to Mt. Clemens (2 hours from here) and register for the race. But Airin forgets the appointment. I won't pay $80 to do something I WANT to do, but he can just 'forget' and cost me more than that?

Airin wants to go up to Pontiac for a concert in mid-May... I'm not running my race, AND he misses Halen's appointment which costs as much as that trip. Sorry, fair is fair. If he thinks he's going, he is wrong. He can get the money himself if he wants to go.

I am down to the last pair of contacts. My shoes used to be grey, but now they're sorta greenish brown with holes. I don't have any sandals that even fit (my feet have been returning to pre-prego size, so everything is too big). We have one set of sheets that don't have holes in them. We just borrowed $6,000 from his parents so we could close on the condo and be rid of it, and we have to pay that back as soon as possible. And he just "forgets" to take Halen to therapy? So now I have to pay a bunch of money... FOR NOTHING. He didn't have any therapy that day, and yet, I have to pay all that money. Ten times the amount it would have cost for him to GO TO THERAPY.

He didn't get mad and defensive this time when I found out. Last year, he missed a few therapy appointments, and I only found out when I found the bills. He didn't tell me about it because "he didn't want to upset me while I was working on my dissertation."

You know what ISN'T upsetting? BEING F-ING RESPONSIBLE.

What does Airin do all day? He hangs out with Avery. He might clean something.

He could set an alarm in his PHONE. He said he is going to do that now... but why the hell not before he missed an appointment?
******************

Other things I'm ruminating about: the First Offer Candidate was supposed to tell us whether she accepted or rejected our offer today. I don't know if she has or not. She still hasn't received her letter of offer from the college I guess... but I thought it was an oral agreement and then they sent the paperwork anyway. So I don't know. The retiring person said that he emailed someone that F.O. Candidate knows and she said that she sounds like she'll be accepting the position... but if she hasn't notified us, and it's been this long, I'm not entirely convinced.

How the hell will I be able to tell my friend that he didn't get the job?

I thought about it all during a walk home from the bar today, and it upset me again. Such bull crap, and I hate it.

***************
Tomorrow is a weigh-in day, and a measurement day. I exercised a lot this week - I've burned well over 2000 calories this week from walking and running. I've also done a little bit of strength training. But I do end up eating more than my allotment, and I think I need to curtail that. Then I think I'd be more successful.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BEECHNUT13 4/14/2012 11:58AM

I agree with the BIG calendar... but then he would have to write stuff on it. He's going to go back to college next year... oh boy that's gonna be fun. I'm going to have to sit with him at the beginning of the semester, look over his syllabi, and program stuff into the calendar in his phone. I tell my irresponsible students the same thing! Report Inappropriate Comment

THEORCHIDSONG 4/14/2012 10:23AM

Good morning! Marriage is HARD... Sometimes I wonder if I was truly meant to be a lesbian. Airin should hang a BIG calendar up on the refrigerator, or something. Report Inappropriate Comment

BOSS61 4/14/2012 6:29AM

With challenges in your personal, financial and professional life, it's good that Sparky stuff seems part of the solution. Hang in there - with your dedication, better things lie ahead for sure! Report Inappropriate Comment

Day 40 / 261

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Wow... 40 days. Things are becoming habit, even though I haven't really seen any progress otherwise. I'll measure myself this weekend. The scale went up again today - less than a pound, but just under 177. Such bull crap.

Today we had a retirement party for someone in our department (the person we're replacing, actually). I had a little cake, some treats, some pizza, some cookies... but also some fruits and vegetables!

Tomorrow is the deadline for the first-offer candidate to tell us whether she accepts or rejects the offer. I'm surprised we haven't heard from her one way or another... that means she is thinking about it and agonizing about it... I hope she says no, and that we offer the job to my favorite candidate. I know he would take it, he'd be great, and he would be happy to move here.

And how could I tell him he didn't get the job? I mean, he's already figured out he's not the first offer... it's been a month today since his interview. But our school doesn't send out rejection letters (not even emails - how tacky) and I'm not going to keep him hanging. So yes, I'll tell him if he doesn't get it... but how do I do that? He is my friend, so that would be so hard. Especially because I know that... if we all voted... he would have been first offer.

I hope she says no... I don't pray, but I've been ruminating strongly for a month now... I'm tired. I hope she says no, and that he's our next offer. I think he's great, and I really don't want to make the call.

Here we are at my graduation ceremony. From left to right, my candidate/friend, me, my advisor, and my best friend:



Oooh, in other news, my regalia came in the mail. That $hit was $900! It was a Christmas present from my mom, but still... that was about 50% more than my wedding dress.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BEECHNUT13 4/13/2012 11:11PM

Lynne - Thanks for keeping that nun army working. I appreciate it, and I'm sure D would too. :) We'll see what happens. Kristina - A drink sounds great. ;) Free food at parties always gets me. Especially if it's pizza, or treats. Or cheese and wine! They had all this stuff yesterday. I'll root you on from afar - it's nice to have another friend on here too. I like the company! Liz - I know, it's soooo expensive! If I change schools I can bring it with me, but yea - it's more than my wedding dress cost, by far. I'll wear it a few times per year till I retire or get sick of going to regalia events, so at least I'll get some good use out of it. Only wore the wedding dress twice. Report Inappropriate Comment

MEADSBAY 4/13/2012 6:28PM

That is just redunculous! Just hope you stay there for 20 years, at least, to get your money's worth. Comment edited on: 4/13/2012 6:29:02 PM Report Inappropriate Comment

THEORCHIDSONG 4/13/2012 8:25AM

I find free food to be hard... But moderation and mixing in those fruits and veggies is good... I'm going to keep checking in for motivation... I did "ok" yesterday... It's a start... I wish we lived close to each other... I could go for a drink and girl talk... XO Report Inappropriate Comment

LYNNEDAIGLE 4/12/2012 10:31PM

I know you don't pray, but I'll keep the nun army going for you/me/D :) Report Inappropriate Comment

Day 39 / 262

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Quote from a DailySpark blog today (I forget who's - excuse me):
"You do this because that's what you do."

Today I weighed myself, and I'm at 176.1. When I started, I was at 178, including bloat. Which means that, in the grand scheme of things, over the past 39 days, I haven't really done a damn thing. Well, with my weight that is.

And this past weekend I took my measurements, and those were the same too. I'm hoping for a bit of a drop this coming weekend when I remeasure before I freak out.

So yea, I'm feeling like a bit of a failure. I'm trying really hard to remind myself of these accomplishments that I've recently made:

1) I have been brushing twice a day and flossing every day (I used to brush once/day and no flossing - I know, now I feel gross about it, but that's what I always did) since December. I've never been able to make flossing a habit, so I'm really proud of my sorta gross accomplishment.


2) I came back from a back injury from the Warrior Dash last year! I finally went to see a doctor in January, he gave me exercises to do twice/day, and I stuck with it. Now I'm feeling a lot better - still not 100%, but A LOT better anyway.


3) I've been running again - and faster than I thought! I'm at 2.75 miles, which means I could do a 5K fairly easily. After this week I'll be bumping that up to 3 miles, and then I'll try and improve my speed a bit before the first race I want to do, which is on April 28th.


4) I FINALLY sold my stupid effing condo! I've been trying to get rid of it for years, and now it's finally gone. We took a large financial hit on it, and now we also owe my in-laws about $6,000, and all of our savings are gone... but now we're keeping $500/month we were losing before. And we'll be able to pay down our debts and start saving again soon. But wow! What a huge relief to be rid of that condo. This is a goal I've had for so long, and I finally did it. FINALLY!


5) I've been tracking my nutrition information almost every day - even days where I eat like garbage, I track that too. You can see my awful nutrition tracker if you click that button, and then you can see WHY I'm not losing weight.


6) I've been getting in at least 10 minutes of exercise per day on most days - whether it's walking to and from work, running, strength training, yoga, gardening, or a combination. I'm getting something in almost every day! That's a big deal!


7) I've been blogging on SP almost every day. This has been great for me to keep my attitude positive (or at least, positivish), and to be accountable. It's helping me keep track of my count-down too, which I have been changing every day on my bathroom mirror - it helps to keep me on track and to remember to NEVER GIVE UP.


8) I've been logging into SP and racking up SPoints every day. I've been earning money from SPoints, freggies, running, etc. toward Pandora beads, so getting SPoints are a great way to do it. An email quoted someone as saying "Sparkpoints Point you in the right direction!" and it's true. They keep me tracking, exercising, reading articles, and staying active on the site. I've logged in every day for several weeks, and even though I'm not doing as well as I should, I'm improving. And it's helping me keep my attitude in check.


9) I've been walking to and from work most days. I live a mile from work, so this is 2 miles per day that I've been adding. This gives me some time to relax and decompress both before and after work, and I'm enjoying it. Classes will be over soon, and then I won't have to walk to work anymore, but I would like to continue with the mileage. Maybe I'll get Airin to go with me.


So... I will keep on keepin' on. And thought I may not be seeing the improvements in the scale, I'm noticing other improvements: more energy, running longer and faster, etc... And now I'm starting to focus on my water intake (this week's goal is 4 glasses/day at least 5 days this week), and I'm starting to add some strength training with dumbells every couple days as well.


Next week is the last week of classes! And then we have a week of finals, and then I'm done done done for the summer. I'm really excited to work on the house, plant some vegetables and flowers, work on the yard, and spend time with my little man. We have really great parks in our city.


So... maybe that horrible little Wii Fit is telling me I'm not making progress, but I am. It might not be in numbers, but it's in something else. And I still have 262 days to get to my goal!

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MEADSBAY 4/12/2012 6:43PM

Congrats on getting out from under on the condo- what a relief! Our condo (we downsized in 2006) is worth a little more than half of what we paid for it. Our mortgage isn't very big- we put all the equity from our home into the condo- and that just evaporated. We're stuck here, I guess. Report Inappropriate Comment

BEECHNUT13 4/12/2012 11:25AM

I run outside - it's been between 40 and 60 degrees, so perfect weather. We have a lot of hills in Adrian (compared to SCS) so it's much more of a workout than it used to be! Yea, it's somewhere around 262 days left of the year... I had the goal of 43 lbs in 43 weeks, which takes me to about the end of December or so. I had a really bad year last year too with anxiety - being on the market and finishing up my dissertation and finding a house and moving and starting a new job... it's been a lot. But I think this year will be better, and I'm really sick of being unhappy with the way I look, so I'm going to keep on trying. Check in - I'm here, and I'm rooting for you! Report Inappropriate Comment

THEORCHIDSONG 4/12/2012 9:03AM

Oh... Do you run outside? Do you run inside to the Wii Fit? Report Inappropriate Comment

THEORCHIDSONG 4/12/2012 9:03AM

Is 262 days the end of this year??? The 31st??? You're motivating me... At least in my head. I had a REALLY bad year last year... Medically and with extreme anxiety. My anxiety is doing a lot better... Not perfect, not great, but A LOT better. I'm lonely and depressed, though, and I think that has played into my anxiety, eating a ton of "comfort" foods, etc. I just want to be happy, energetic, smile, laugh... Anyway, I'm going to try this SP thing again... I'll try checking in every morning, or so. Report Inappropriate Comment