BEECHNUT13   35,640
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Growing frustration.

Friday, September 16, 2011

So, in our last episode, I was torn between worrying and starving and weighing and running... or just letting myself be.

Unfortunately, I think I might have to go back to the constant self-monitoring, but I really don't want to do it.

I weigh less - down to 175. That's about a 6 or 7 pound loss since June or July or so. But you know, 175 now is bigger than 175 was last time. And I'm no different than I was in June I think. I don't think I've lost a bit of fat. In fact, I think I may have gained some more, and lost muscle, since I haven't really been working out regularly.

Yes, my body is punishing me for not starving it, and just exercising for the joy of it. Thanks a lot, body. Glad to know we're on the same page here.

In its defense, I am on my period, so I'm feeling extra-bloated. And I have been eating out a lot this week, so I'm probably even more bloated from the salt.

Last night I tried to pick out what to wear today... and I got so angry. I'm so sick of feeling this way, but I'm so sick of fighting.

I don't think I'll ever win.

I think I'm destined to be miserable.

But I am so tired of hating myself...

I just wish I wasn't so fat. I really deserve better. But I guess I don't deserve to lose weight, since I can't seem to do it... I'm just not consistent enough, I guess. I guess I'll always be this way, and I guess I'll never accept myself this way, and so I guess I just have to come to terms with the fact that I will never like myself.

That's such a great way to live. Glad I got my PhD, bought a nice house, worked my ass off so I could just hate myself anyway. Glad I will someday get to retire and feel ashamed of myself on a beach somewhere. Glad I got the man of my dreams so I can always feel like the fat ugly wife. Glad I worked so hard just to sell myself short.

Why does this even matter? How many men whine about this bull crap?

I'm too damn smart for this.


Will I always be so wrong?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BEECHNUT13 9/19/2011 9:32PM

    I was pretty angry with myself. And PMS-ing.

I start yoga tomorrow, which meets once a week on Tuesday nights, at a real yoga studio. I didn't track what I ate today - I worked a lot and now I'm tired. But I'll start tomorrow.

I should go out and run. It's perfect running weather. But I miss running my old route. My out and back was so fast, because it was the same old route. Now I have a new neighborhood. And it's chock full of... HILLS...

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JAYNINNE 9/19/2011 12:10PM

    Yeah. I'm glad you let us know you were on your period, because this stuff coming from you just doesn't make sense otherwise.

So you have to track your food and plan your meals. You did it before and you enjoyed it. Apparently, I need to do that too. So I will. Starting today. I'm tracking my food, again. Seriously. I JUST made this decision now. Thank goodness it's still early and I haven't eaten a bunch of junk!

I like starting things on Mondays. And I think this will be a good way for us to keep in touch again. I'm really sad that we have fallen so badly out of contact. I miss my friend!!!

So you keep up with it. I'll keep up with it. We can discuss it and chat and be supportive of each other from afar.

I'll tell you this: I know I'll lose interest if you don't keep up - so keep the blogs coming and keep the tracking going.

I'll even "share" my food and fitness trackers so you can criticize me for what I'm doing wrong. emoticon

I just don't have the heart to put my weight to it's current actual. That will just have to stay there until I catch up to it again. And doggone it! I will! And so will you!

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MEADSBAY 9/17/2011 8:06AM

    I gotta think this is your hormones speaking (spanking?).
Would you ever say this to a friend?
Please rock yourself in the cradle of lovingkindness.
Avery deserves a happy mom.
You can suppress that sh/tty thinking.
I know you can.
Think of all the things you are good at.


Comment edited on: 9/17/2011 8:07:28 AM

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ABUGSLAG 9/16/2011 11:42PM

    I wish you a big gentle mental hug. It sounds like you are in a bit of a funk. Maybe make a list of all the awesome things you have accomplished and how long it took you. So what if you are a bigger 175... use that information to your advantage and try something new or go back to the old because the current wasn't working. You CAN do it! You ARE worth it. (hugs)

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A rock and a squishy place

Sunday, September 11, 2011

So... I'm currently torn.

I'm sick of tracking, fretting, weighing, starving etc... because every time I do, it's just a matter of time before I sputter out and gain some (or all) the weight back. Or not lose any weight at all, which is what happened before Avery - I stayed at about 165 for 4 years while trying to lose weight. I would lose a few, gain a few, lose a few... etc...

On the other hand... I look in the mirror (we got a long mirror, finally, so I know what I look like in the morning before I leave for work) and I have a big wide bubble butt. I'm sick of my pants feeling tight. I'm sick of the squish.

So... I'm stuck between the proverbial rock and a squishy place.

Do I put the pedal to the metal to lose some weight again? Focus my energies, and hope for the best - this time - even though my self-efficacy regarding losing weight and keeping it off is down the toilet?

Or do I just accept myself for who I am - for now - and just try to eat good, slow and healthy food, and move around to things I enjoy - biking, maybe running if it's not a million degrees or raining, playing with the kiddos, etc... but meanwhile, have some (a lot) of fear that I'm just going to get fatter and fatter?

I guess it would be easier to stop obsessing about food and exercise if I could maybe forget the fact that I'm a size 16 (or more, if you include vanity sizing), the biggest person in the department, that my students probably think I'm a fat pig (there are a lot of athletes at Adrian), that I'm scared to ever get pregnant again because I might balloon back up to - an ungodly amount of weight on a 5'4 frame - that I'll never be comfortable in my own skin and that I'll always be self-conscious, that I'll forever hate shopping because nothing ever looks good, and everything is so f-ing LARGE on the hanger - good god, are those jeans or a denim duvet?

Me on my first day teaching at Adrian:

In a slimming shirt, black pants, cleverly angled. Whether or not the curves are there - that is definitely a large butt trying to hide in the back.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BEECHNUT13 9/12/2011 9:15PM

    Aw, JAYNINNE, I miss you too! :(

You can still come over for dinner, it's just a much longer commute. You'll have to visit for a weekend soon. We've been riding the Kiwanis bike trail and it's awesome! The parks here are so nice, and we'll have all the fall colors soon. Airin is trying to talk me into upgrading to a cruiser with more than one gear - the hills around here kill me. I struggle all the way up, and can't pedal fast enough on the way down. So different from flat Detroit!

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JAYNINNE 9/12/2011 11:09AM

    I miss our walks and runs and meals together. The people on Spark are great, but it's nothing like actually hanging out and going through all of this with someone in person. When I'd visit you every week, I was way more conscious of everything because I knew if I messed up, you'd notice. The people you see every day don't count because they see you ever day. But those weekly visits were perfect. *le sigh* I miss them.

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BEECHNUT13 9/11/2011 7:40PM

    Liz - I wonder how fat we really would be? Because I was somewhere in this ballpark before I started dieting. Slowly gaining because I didn't eat healthy, and then when I wanted to lose weight, not know how to do it right.

Then I would lose it - veganism, for example - then gain it - steroids - then lose it - Weight Watchers - then gain it - roommates, quitting smoking, steroids, pizza and beer - then lose it again - Weight Watchers - then plateau for 4 years - then gain it all back when pregnant - then lose it on Sparkpeople while running - then gain it while job hunting.

I don't know - it's all exhausting! I eat pretty healthy and move around even when I'm not trying... and I'm a not less neurotic. When I track my calories at the end of the day - and I remember pretty much everything I ate, since I pack my lunch - I am typically in the Spark weight loss range. Except that instead of stressing over getting there, I'm letting my body do it.

Glad I'm not alone...

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MEADSBAY 9/11/2011 2:33PM

    I know EXACTLY what you mean!
Is scaling back giving up?
Are we going to get even bigger if we do? emoticon
Why is this so easy for some people and such a struggle for some of us?
I hate to flip flop but I keep trying new things and nothing is really working in the long term.
I'm much older than you- will be 60 in Feb.
Am I going to be like my mother- dieting until I get sick and then die?
The thing that keeps me going is thinking how fat I would be if I DIDN"T do all this.

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GARDENCHRIS 9/11/2011 8:58AM

    why can't you just live in the moment and concentrate on eating healthy, cut the junk and just enjoy moving more. Slow and steady will do it, small changes over time will get you to where you need to be. Don't worry about tomorrow , or regret about the past, live each day like you mean it, for yourself! emoticon

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Sick of obsessing

Monday, September 05, 2011

I've been eating more whole foods lately, and not worrying so much about my weight. For lunches to work, I pack mostly fruits and vegetables, with a little container of almonds, and maybe some cheese.

The farmers market with the fresh delicious tomatoes makes it easy to eat healthy:

I'm trying to move around to enjoy it - going for fun bike rides, riding my bike to work, going for walks - instead of working out. I'm going to take a yoga class because I love how it is so calming, and makes me feel strong and powerful.

In other words, I am sick of obsessing over the weight I gained back.

Part of me feels like a failure that I let 15 pounds or so back on... but I had lost nearly 40 pounds before it started creeping back on. So, isn't that a success? I didn't reach my goal weight yet, but does that really mean that I never will? And 15 pounds isn't too bad - I can get back to where I was, if I work at it.

But that's the thing - I'm sick of WORKING at it.

I am the heaviest person in my department. Now, my department only had 4 other women and 1 man, but still - I'm still the fattest. I hate being the fat person. But even at 160 or so, my pre-pregnancy weight - I will still be the fattest.

I'm in the back on my tip-toes. This is at the retirement party for our secretary, the older woman in the front row. We have a few retired faculty in the picture, but I'm bigger than all of them.

I'm trying to change my focus. From trying to LOSE WEIGHT to trying to eat more fruits and vegetables, to eat better quality meats (from farms, not factories), to move around more by riding my bike to work and back (it's only a mile or so each way). And to improve myself with yoga, or running or something like that.

But I track my calories in Sparkpeople - to see how I'm doing - and then I'm worried about "my calorie range" and all that. I wonder if I should just leave things alone - I've lost about 5 pounds since July, when we were moving. I'm guessing it's in muscle though from not running or doing strength training, because my pants are just as tight, if not tighter. But anyway - when I didn't care and then tracked, I was within range or close. But now that I track, it's making me a little neurotic.

People's bodies knew what to eat. For millions of years, people ate enough food, they ate good food. I'm getting sick of having to micromanage something that my toddler understands. He doesn't want to finish his dinner? He doesn't. He eats fruits and veggies ALL THE TIME (well, and popsicles). He only eats what he wants, and won't eat anything else. And he's healthy. And I'm scared that I'm going to teach him how to distrust his body, and how to be fat.

Eating a pear off my mom's tree:

Anyway... if I'm not going to lose weight and keep it off - after trying for 16 years or so - then I'm just going to have to work at something else. I'm successful at all sorts of things - hell, I even quit smoking. I got my PhD. I know discipline, and I know work. But I'm sick of obsessing about getting thin. I'm just going to have to enjoy myself and get over it.

Which would be easier, if I was, say, 50 pounds lighter.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BEECHNUT13 9/8/2011 7:50PM

    They ARE fantastic! They taste sooooo much better than tomatoes from the grocery store. We can't stop eating them. They're better than the ones we had last year in our yard too, because their heirloom tomatoes - not the generic red ones we typically have. They have different flavors. All of which are delicious.

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JAYNINNE 9/8/2011 1:35PM

    Those tomatoes look fantastic.

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BEECHNUT13 9/6/2011 10:04PM

    Today I ate healthy, but didn't count - I was at 1650, which is only 100 calories high. And that was with... ahem - 4 pieces of Italian bread with tomatoes, basil and olive oil. Whatever, it was all fresh and simple and delicious! We baked them in the oven for a couple minutes, and the flavor in the tomatoes was amazing (from the farmer's market). And today I biked to and from work again, since it's not a million degrees outside.

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MEADSBAY 9/6/2011 9:33PM

    Me, too!
It is so relaxing to just let it go and eat right and exercise a lot.
That's how I'm spending my vacation and when I get home? well... it is what it is.
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JAYNINNE 9/6/2011 4:58PM

    I know how you feel. When I did this last year and tracked everything, I loved it. Now it's just time-consuming and stressful.

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KATSTRAESSLE 9/5/2011 9:53PM

    Throw away your scale and just love yourself! It works, I promise...
-addicts-part-2/ emoticon

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Two weeks of classes down!

Saturday, September 03, 2011

Well, I've finished my 2nd week of classes at Adrian, and I loooooooove it love it love it! What a great school, and a great department. I love my developmental psych students, and finding my general psych students tolerable (freshmen...). It's unbearably hot in the classrooms lately, since there's no air conditioning. Really, tuition, room and board is $35K per year, and they can't put air conditioning in the classrooms!? That's crap.

Here's a picture of me in regalia before a welcome back ceremony a few weeks ago:

I'm trying to order some and buy it - it's $55 to rent, and you have to wear it a few times a year. I would rather just have it (it's about $600 to order through Adrian). I'm trying to get it from Wayne State (where I'll be walking in commencement in December) but they haven't called me back yet - of course - stupid Wayne State).

The farmers markets in the area are amazing. I live about 2 minutes from farmland, and so just a quick drive down the street and I can get farm food, sold from a cart on the corner. Really yummy food. You know there are more than red tomatoes!? They come in all sorts of colors, and they are all delicious. My favorite so far are green striped tomatoes - they taste a little salty. We have brandywine tomatoes, which are a little burgundy, yellow tomatoes, greenish tomatoes, red tomatoes (of course), peach tomatoes (they look like peaches). Avery and I pretty much gorge ourselves on them - Avery had like 10 tomatoes for breakfast (different sizes, with the largest 2 being smallish romas). Today we bought string beans, broccoli, tomatoes (of course), onions, fresh basil, peaches, apples, egg plant, 2 dozen eggs (we're looking forward to blue and green eggs in the fall - seriously - they apparently taste so good brown eggs will forever be inferior), and hickory syrup. We also have a meat market up the road that sells local meat, and they smoke their own stuff there. I just can't believe how easy it is to get fresh food out here - and it makes the stuff we spent a premium for at the grocery store taste like garbage.

Airin's parents came up to visit today, and it was nice to just visit. We haven't made it out there since mid-July because we've been busy here working on the house.

A couple weeks ago, Airin's ex posted this picture up on her facebook page:

which was pretty dayum interesting. It turns out she got into a physical fight with a boyfriend or something. What is fabulous about it is that she tried to pull the "does your family know about how you hurt me?" to Airin before, and told his sister that he had physically assaulted her or something. Airin has openly admitted to me (even 10 years ago) that they would argue and she would pull his hair, etc... and he would push her off of him, or they would throw things. Miss Crazy's all crazy, after all. Anyway, I saved the picture and the back-and-forth in case it ever came up, we have some evidence that she physically fights with other people, and that she's the problem - not Airin.

Unfortunately, there's nothing else - no pictures of her lying in a gutter or anything like that. But one can hope, right? ;)

Oh, and Avery is still adorable:

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BEECHNUT13 9/6/2011 9:50PM

    Liz - well, you missed out on all that, but with the money you saved, you could afford a beautiful vacation home! I still haven't heard back from WSU... I'm going to call them again tomorrow. And yea - the ex is quite a nut job! And that's a psychologist calling it like she sees it! ;)

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MEADSBAY 9/6/2011 9:32PM

    She is a total nut case!
Avery is absolutely adorable!
I'm glad things are going so well for you, my friend.
Why is regalia so damn expensive???
Did I ever tell you I was a HS dropout who went on to get my BA and 2 masters and I never once walked in a procession?
I think I felt unworthy somehow.
Boy, do I regret that.
I didn't have a real wedding.
Never had a baby shower.
I missed out on a lot.


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HANNAHSOLBACH 9/3/2011 11:00PM

    I am totally jealous of your farmers markets being so close to you! The closest Good farmers markets for me is about 20 minutes away. And yes, it's definitely worth it some days, but other days...not so much.

Good luck with getting your regalia at a good cost. Sounds like it will definitely save you money in the long run. Have a good weekend!

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Moving and Painting - Pictures of the new house!

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

As it turns out, our house is a lot larger than I thought it was. It was badly painted, with dirty ceilings and flat textured paint everywhere. It seemed like the walls were caving in. We put primer on, and rooms double in size. Amazing.

So far we have painted:
Our bedroom and bath
Boys' bath
Boys' bedrooms (Avery's is HUGE, Halen's is the size of our master bedroom - we thought it was small!)
Upstairs hallway
Foyer and stairwell going to 2nd floor
Hallway into family room and kitchen
Family room
Kitchen eat-in area

This is what we have to go:
Living room
Dining room
1st floor half bath (it's primed, ceiling painted)
4th bedroom/office

So... it's coming along.

We also didn't know it was so dirty. Airin has cleaned the carpets with an industrial carpet extractor repeatedly, but they're still dirty. When we get some money together, we're going to rip out the carpet and put down some of that flooring that clicks together and looks like wood.

Our yard is also ginormous - which we didn't realize. It takes Airin 3 HOURS to cut the grass. We're on about .6 acres on a hill. With lots of trees. It's pretty awesome.

Adrian College is GREAT. I loooooove it. Love the school, love my department, I even find my students to be somewhat tolerable - hahaha... I'm teaching 5 days per week, and I'm there from about 9:30 am till 5:30 in the afternoon lately. There was a fire in the off-campus apartments right across the street from campus, and one of my students lost her place, and another new hire that I came in with also lost his apartment. It was pretty crazy around campus yesterday, with the fire and all.

I also went shopping - my clothes were all kind of tight, and I didn't have much to teach in, since I only taught 2 days per week and now I'm 5 days. I had to get Airin some new clothes too, for the same reasons. We both looked like hobos, what with the pit stains and all. I'm sad I'm heavier than I was last year, or even in January, but I'm trying not to worry about it too much. I'm trying to focus on eating better and moving around more.

As far as moving around more... I've been riding my bike to work! It's only an 8 minute ride, and about half of it is downhill, so I don't even have to pedal for part of it. My house is a mile ride from the school (probably half a mile, as the crow flies). Much better than the old 30-45 minute commute in traffic for Wayne State, in the ghetto.

I'll have to post some before and after pictures at some point... it's time consuming. For now, here's a couple before photos:

The family room from the kitchen:

First floor half bath - those spirals are made with gray sparkle paint, and the ceiling is the same gray sparkle. Well, not anymore.

Halen's bedroom. I thought it was about the size of his old room, but it turns out it's the size of a master bedroom! Ugly flat purple paint tricked me.

Avery's bedroom. I thought it was about the same size as our bedroom - turns out, it's quite a bit larger. Again, dark flat paint makes everything seem tiny.

Upstairs hall - looks like a long dark tunnel. Well, not anymore...

Moving in to the purple house - 4 days before the warrior dash. The day we moved, we got up at 7am and moved out all day, got here at 9 or so, unpacked the truck till about midnight, drove our friend back to the old house, cleaned up the last of things, took out the garbage, got the cats and the rats and drove back here. Got to bed at 7am. Slept till 1pm, and then got up and finished unloading the truck.

This is SOME of our yard - it's huge and there's lots of yard on all 4 sides of the house.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BEECHNUT13 9/2/2011 9:46PM

    Yea, it's pretty awesome - I can't believe it! We don't have furniture, but whatever. ;)

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JAYNINNE 9/2/2011 9:58AM

    How positive that you're finding MORE space rather than less! It's rough when you get into a place and it turns out smaller than you expected. I almost never hear of situations that end up the other way around.

Miss you!

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AANGEL3 8/31/2011 12:14PM


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MEADSBAY 8/30/2011 9:31PM

    Wow- what a lot of work- and a lot of house!
I bet you and your family are going to be so happy there.
And I'm so happy the new job is sofarsogood.


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