Sunday, September 11, 2011
So... I'm currently torn.
I'm sick of tracking, fretting, weighing, starving etc... because every time I do, it's just a matter of time before I sputter out and gain some (or all) the weight back. Or not lose any weight at all, which is what happened before Avery - I stayed at about 165 for 4 years while trying to lose weight. I would lose a few, gain a few, lose a few... etc...
On the other hand... I look in the mirror (we got a long mirror, finally, so I know what I look like in the morning before I leave for work) and I have a big wide bubble butt. I'm sick of my pants feeling tight. I'm sick of the squish.
So... I'm stuck between the proverbial rock and a squishy place.
Do I put the pedal to the metal to lose some weight again? Focus my energies, and hope for the best - this time - even though my self-efficacy regarding losing weight and keeping it off is down the toilet?
Or do I just accept myself for who I am - for now - and just try to eat good, slow and healthy food, and move around to things I enjoy - biking, maybe running if it's not a million degrees or raining, playing with the kiddos, etc... but meanwhile, have some (a lot) of fear that I'm just going to get fatter and fatter?
I guess it would be easier to stop obsessing about food and exercise if I could maybe forget the fact that I'm a size 16 (or more, if you include vanity sizing), the biggest person in the department, that my students probably think I'm a fat pig (there are a lot of athletes at Adrian), that I'm scared to ever get pregnant again because I might balloon back up to - an ungodly amount of weight on a 5'4 frame - that I'll never be comfortable in my own skin and that I'll always be self-conscious, that I'll forever hate shopping because nothing ever looks good, and everything is so f-ing LARGE on the hanger - good god, are those jeans or a denim duvet?
Me on my first day teaching at Adrian:
In a slimming shirt, black pants, cleverly angled. Whether or not the curves are there - that is definitely a large butt trying to hide in the back.
Monday, September 05, 2011
I've been eating more whole foods lately, and not worrying so much about my weight. For lunches to work, I pack mostly fruits and vegetables, with a little container of almonds, and maybe some cheese.
The farmers market with the fresh delicious tomatoes makes it easy to eat healthy:
I'm trying to move around to enjoy it - going for fun bike rides, riding my bike to work, going for walks - instead of working out. I'm going to take a yoga class because I love how it is so calming, and makes me feel strong and powerful.
In other words, I am sick of obsessing over the weight I gained back.
Part of me feels like a failure that I let 15 pounds or so back on... but I had lost nearly 40 pounds before it started creeping back on. So, isn't that a success? I didn't reach my goal weight yet, but does that really mean that I never will? And 15 pounds isn't too bad - I can get back to where I was, if I work at it.
But that's the thing - I'm sick of WORKING at it.
I am the heaviest person in my department. Now, my department only had 4 other women and 1 man, but still - I'm still the fattest. I hate being the fat person. But even at 160 or so, my pre-pregnancy weight - I will still be the fattest.
I'm in the back on my tip-toes. This is at the retirement party for our secretary, the older woman in the front row. We have a few retired faculty in the picture, but I'm bigger than all of them.
I'm trying to change my focus. From trying to LOSE WEIGHT to trying to eat more fruits and vegetables, to eat better quality meats (from farms, not factories), to move around more by riding my bike to work and back (it's only a mile or so each way). And to improve myself with yoga, or running or something like that.
But I track my calories in Sparkpeople - to see how I'm doing - and then I'm worried about "my calorie range" and all that. I wonder if I should just leave things alone - I've lost about 5 pounds since July, when we were moving. I'm guessing it's in muscle though from not running or doing strength training, because my pants are just as tight, if not tighter. But anyway - when I didn't care and then tracked, I was within range or close. But now that I track, it's making me a little neurotic.
People's bodies knew what to eat. For millions of years, people ate enough food, they ate good food. I'm getting sick of having to micromanage something that my toddler understands. He doesn't want to finish his dinner? He doesn't. He eats fruits and veggies ALL THE TIME (well, and popsicles). He only eats what he wants, and won't eat anything else. And he's healthy. And I'm scared that I'm going to teach him how to distrust his body, and how to be fat.
Eating a pear off my mom's tree:
Anyway... if I'm not going to lose weight and keep it off - after trying for 16 years or so - then I'm just going to have to work at something else. I'm successful at all sorts of things - hell, I even quit smoking. I got my PhD. I know discipline, and I know work. But I'm sick of obsessing about getting thin. I'm just going to have to enjoy myself and get over it.
Which would be easier, if I was, say, 50 pounds lighter.
Saturday, September 03, 2011
Well, I've finished my 2nd week of classes at Adrian, and I loooooooove it love it love it! What a great school, and a great department. I love my developmental psych students, and finding my general psych students tolerable (freshmen...). It's unbearably hot in the classrooms lately, since there's no air conditioning. Really, tuition, room and board is $35K per year, and they can't put air conditioning in the classrooms!? That's crap.
Here's a picture of me in regalia before a welcome back ceremony a few weeks ago:
I'm trying to order some and buy it - it's $55 to rent, and you have to wear it a few times a year. I would rather just have it (it's about $600 to order through Adrian). I'm trying to get it from Wayne State (where I'll be walking in commencement in December) but they haven't called me back yet - of course - stupid Wayne State).
The farmers markets in the area are amazing. I live about 2 minutes from farmland, and so just a quick drive down the street and I can get farm food, sold from a cart on the corner. Really yummy food. You know there are more than red tomatoes!? They come in all sorts of colors, and they are all delicious. My favorite so far are green striped tomatoes - they taste a little salty. We have brandywine tomatoes, which are a little burgundy, yellow tomatoes, greenish tomatoes, red tomatoes (of course), peach tomatoes (they look like peaches). Avery and I pretty much gorge ourselves on them - Avery had like 10 tomatoes for breakfast (different sizes, with the largest 2 being smallish romas). Today we bought string beans, broccoli, tomatoes (of course), onions, fresh basil, peaches, apples, egg plant, 2 dozen eggs (we're looking forward to blue and green eggs in the fall - seriously - they apparently taste so good brown eggs will forever be inferior), and hickory syrup. We also have a meat market up the road that sells local meat, and they smoke their own stuff there. I just can't believe how easy it is to get fresh food out here - and it makes the stuff we spent a premium for at the grocery store taste like garbage.
Airin's parents came up to visit today, and it was nice to just visit. We haven't made it out there since mid-July because we've been busy here working on the house.
A couple weeks ago, Airin's ex posted this picture up on her facebook page:
which was pretty dayum interesting. It turns out she got into a physical fight with a boyfriend or something. What is fabulous about it is that she tried to pull the "does your family know about how you hurt me?" to Airin before, and told his sister that he had physically assaulted her or something. Airin has openly admitted to me (even 10 years ago) that they would argue and she would pull his hair, etc... and he would push her off of him, or they would throw things. Miss Crazy's all crazy, after all. Anyway, I saved the picture and the back-and-forth in case it ever came up, we have some evidence that she physically fights with other people, and that she's the problem - not Airin.
Unfortunately, there's nothing else - no pictures of her lying in a gutter or anything like that. But one can hope, right? ;)
Oh, and Avery is still adorable:
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
As it turns out, our house is a lot larger than I thought it was. It was badly painted, with dirty ceilings and flat textured paint everywhere. It seemed like the walls were caving in. We put primer on, and rooms double in size. Amazing.
So far we have painted:
Our bedroom and bath
Boys' bedrooms (Avery's is HUGE, Halen's is the size of our master bedroom - we thought it was small!)
Foyer and stairwell going to 2nd floor
Hallway into family room and kitchen
Kitchen eat-in area
This is what we have to go:
1st floor half bath (it's primed, ceiling painted)
So... it's coming along.
We also didn't know it was so dirty. Airin has cleaned the carpets with an industrial carpet extractor repeatedly, but they're still dirty. When we get some money together, we're going to rip out the carpet and put down some of that flooring that clicks together and looks like wood.
Our yard is also ginormous - which we didn't realize. It takes Airin 3 HOURS to cut the grass. We're on about .6 acres on a hill. With lots of trees. It's pretty awesome.
Adrian College is GREAT. I loooooove it. Love the school, love my department, I even find my students to be somewhat tolerable - hahaha... I'm teaching 5 days per week, and I'm there from about 9:30 am till 5:30 in the afternoon lately. There was a fire in the off-campus apartments right across the street from campus, and one of my students lost her place, and another new hire that I came in with also lost his apartment. It was pretty crazy around campus yesterday, with the fire and all.
I also went shopping - my clothes were all kind of tight, and I didn't have much to teach in, since I only taught 2 days per week and now I'm 5 days. I had to get Airin some new clothes too, for the same reasons. We both looked like hobos, what with the pit stains and all. I'm sad I'm heavier than I was last year, or even in January, but I'm trying not to worry about it too much. I'm trying to focus on eating better and moving around more.
As far as moving around more... I've been riding my bike to work! It's only an 8 minute ride, and about half of it is downhill, so I don't even have to pedal for part of it. My house is a mile ride from the school (probably half a mile, as the crow flies). Much better than the old 30-45 minute commute in traffic for Wayne State, in the ghetto.
I'll have to post some before and after pictures at some point... it's time consuming. For now, here's a couple before photos:
The family room from the kitchen:
First floor half bath - those spirals are made with gray sparkle paint, and the ceiling is the same gray sparkle. Well, not anymore.
Halen's bedroom. I thought it was about the size of his old room, but it turns out it's the size of a master bedroom! Ugly flat purple paint tricked me.
Avery's bedroom. I thought it was about the same size as our bedroom - turns out, it's quite a bit larger. Again, dark flat paint makes everything seem tiny.
Upstairs hall - looks like a long dark tunnel. Well, not anymore...
Moving in to the purple house - 4 days before the warrior dash. The day we moved, we got up at 7am and moved out all day, got here at 9 or so, unpacked the truck till about midnight, drove our friend back to the old house, cleaned up the last of things, took out the garbage, got the cats and the rats and drove back here. Got to bed at 7am. Slept till 1pm, and then got up and finished unloading the truck.
This is SOME of our yard - it's huge and there's lots of yard on all 4 sides of the house.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Well, I guess the biggest fitness related thing I did since last I blogged was the Warrior Dash, in Mt. Morris, MI. I was looking forward to this race since I registered in January, and I was supposed to be training for it for 6 months. As it turns out, I didn't train for it, and I moved 4 days prior. I was tired and sore, but I had signed up for it, so I decided to go for it anyway.
I ran with JAYNINNE - er, walked and ran - it was hot, and I was more in it for the obstacles than the running. We had a lot of fun, and we were going to try for a good finish, and run at the end to see who could be faster.
Here we are before the dash:
The first couple obstacles were fun, and not too difficult. Then there was an obstacle where you had to climb a rope up a wall, and it was about 15 feet high. I chickened out, because I'm scared of heights and of falling from them. I felt stupid for skipping it, but I told myself I would make up for it. I did the next few obstacles.
Then we came to a rock climbing wall - why do they want me to climb stuff all the time? - but this was shorter, maybe only 8 or so feet high. I climbed up the wall, no problem. Then there was a platform, and a rope that you were supposed to shimmy down, into some hay. JAYNINNE fell off the rope and it knocked the wind out of her, but she was ok, and the hay made for a soft landing. I sat down on the edge of the platform, grabbed the rope and pushed off to try and get down, but I just fell instead.
That really hurt. Like, really f-ing terrible, in my lower back. At first I was scared I broke my back, but then I could move, and so I was relieved. It took a couple minutes, but I got up. They called over some people from Red Cross and they asked me if I wanted to be taken out on a stretcher. Absolutely not! I could stand, and I could walk, so I decided to finish. I only had about a half mile to go at the most.
Then I hurt and I was really embarrassed. And now I wanted to cry because it hurt and I was feeling pretty stupid about myself. But mostly I wanted to cry because it hurt so FING bad. I couldn't do the last few obstacles. I had to climb over a little rope to get around one, and that hurt. It hurt to walk. It hurt to stand up right. And it hurt really bad.
At the end of the dash, there was a fire jump I had been looking forward to - the one in all the pictures:
And then at the very end, you had to go through a big mud puddle on your stomach. Well, I couldn't jump. I tried to go through the mud, but my foot slipped and I felt pain shoot up my back, and so I had to walk around that too.
There were crowds at the end, cheering people on. But instead of cheering me on, I heard "Why aren't you going in the mud!? You have to go in the mud!" and then once I got around that, there was "RUN! It's your finish! Run!" but I was terrified of even walking, the ground was so muddy. There was a photographer at the end, taking pictures, and I didn't want mine taken. I was so humiliated. I was so disappointed.
I didn't run at the end, and I didn't even try to beat JAYNINNE. I felt bad I held her up, and I felt worthless and fat.
But I learned a valuable lesson. When people say if you try, you can do anything? That's a bunch of bullsh1t. I shouldn't have pushed myself. I remember saying to myself "Go on and get it over with - you'll be fine! You'll regret it if you don't."
Afterward, I shuffled to get some ibuprofen from the Red Cross tent, and then I had a couple beers on an empty stomach. Once I was drunk, it felt a lot better. I tried to run about a week and a half ago, and that hurt. It hurts when I sleep too, so I get up and roll over a lot. But it's hurting less and less, and I think I'll try to run again soon, now that I'm feeling better.
This is me with my medal. I was so excited to get it, but then I felt like I didn't deserve it since I didn't do 4 obstacles, and pretty much broke my a$$ falling off of one of them.
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