Monday, May 19, 2008
i'm so mad. mad mad mad mad mad....
we don't go to church. i'm an atheist, and airin is a deist. we have seen religions do unexcusable damage to children, to the world, and to each other through the years. we try to stay away from it, and to protect our boy from it as much as possible.
my parents are all pretty much aware of where i stand on the issue (or non-issue, as i like to see it). airin's parents, however, do not. his family still makes us go to church when we visit for the weekend. i do not like to go to church. i do not like the bible. i do not like any religion. and i think the bible is a sexist, racist, violent document that i do not want my 7 year old reading.
(if there is any confusion on why i would feel this way, try judges chapter 20 on for size)
well... not too long ago, airin's uncle karl told him that he (airin) was a bad father because we do not take halen to church.
airin's birthday is in 2 days, and this is the note he got from his maternal grandmother in his birthday card today: "Jeremiah 17:9 says 'the heart of man is deceitful above all and desperately wicked, who can know it?' Yes, I would be very satisfied if you and Michelle take Halen to church where you can worship God together."
same day, our son gets a note from FOCUS ON THE FAMILY that airin's parents have sent away for a magazine subscription for him. airin called to cancel the subscription immediately.
so... it is time that he has the talk with his parents. his coming out talk. where he tells them that we don't believe what they believe, and we do not want their views forced on us or our family any longer.
i'm still not in the groove of things again. i've been slipping up just about ever day, going over. i'm still active everyday though. at least i'm not going in the opposite direction. but i so badly want to get this weight off. i'm so sick of being the fat girl.
i guess that's about all for now. i just had to rant about the in-laws. i'm sick of that crap.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
help! hot girl trapped in a jiggly body!
well... this week has been a bit of a roller coaster so far. friday i weighed and measured, both were down. :-) then we went to my in-law's for the weekend. lots of food, and it's usually processed. sodi-YUM, you know what i mean? anyway, i came home and noticed i was larger than when i left and completely crashed......
then i took it out on airin. and it turned into me crying for awhile (difficult to do when flossing your teeth, by the way). then it turned into a long discussion about how i work REALLY F-ING HARD to be pretty for him, and how i always feel like i'm the F-ING CONSOLATION PRIZE because his first wife was prettier
(now he says he only said that because he thought that's what i wanted him to say)
well.... i need to just stop this crap. it's ridiculous. even if she is prettier than me, what the hell am i doing comparing myself to someone who was SEVENTEEN YEARS OLD!? i'm 10 years older than she was when airin dated her.
however, he is not free of blame. i was fairly content with myself - thick eyebrows, a hint of a mustache, glasses, no make-up. and then he showed up and made me feel like crap about myself. and i don't particularly like shaving very much either. i was quite the militant feminist vegetarian not too long ago... and he didn't like that either. maybe i wasn't a very good feminist. and i'm not a vegetarian either.
but then if i don't do those things, then i will be less attractive. argh. i don't want to be the ugly one. i am probably the biggest girl he has ever been with. i'm nice, that's what helps me. oh, and responsible. F THAT. i know i'm too smart to say this, but damn it I WANT MY HUSBAND TO THINK I'M HOT.
my goals and ambitions:
1) SMOKING - i've been a non-smoker for 2 months now, as of the 5th. yay me!
2) FITNESS - still going to the gym at least 4 days a week. yay me!
3) NUTRITION - well, i'm not sticking to my calories as well as i should, but i'm not eating way over or anything. i end up moving around so much that the consumed vs. burned is probably right on track - or close to it - anyway. however, i need to start watching what i eat a bit more closely. i want to reach my goal weight on my goal date, damn it.
4) FOR SALE - we put the condo up for sale a couple days ago. now we just have to cross our fingers. the housing market is really bad in michigan. :-(
5) CRAZY - i've been working on getting less crazy. i tore up another picture into little pieces and threw it in the garbage today. so i can NEVER look at it EVER AGAIN and compare myself to her. i also returned one this past weekend. i have a couple more but i didn't get a chance to figure out where they went. it's easier and easier, like a weight getting lifted off my chest.
i guess that's about it for now.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
check out this strawberry - looks excited, doesn't it? heheeheh
this is from part 3 of "Find Your Perfect Weight":
"Sure, we all care about our health. But when it comes right down to it, most of us want to look good — and feel good about how we look too! There’s nothing at all wrong with that…unless it’s someone else’s idea of “looking good” that you’re trying to achieve instead of your own."
"Why does it matter? Because the more you expect weight loss to influence how other people see you or relate to you, the harder it is to be successful. Eventually, you’ll be resentful that you have to work so hard to lose weight just to keep someone else happy. And that will lead to anger and rebellion against your own efforts."
"The simple reality is that you can’t control what other people think of you, no matter what you do, how much you weigh, or what you look like. If you want to feel happy in your own skin, it’s your own happiness and your own attitude that you have to focus on — those are the only things you have any control over. And that begins with choosing to lose weight for yourself and on your own terms, not to conform to other people's preferences."
how true that is.
today i calculated my BMI, and it's 27.5 - that's halfway across the 'overweight' category. i haven't seen it that low in a looooong time.
sometimes i have good days, where i feel good about me. i think "i'm going to lose the weight this time!" and "i'm looking so much better already!" and then other days... well, all my clothes look like hell on me. who am i kidding - i'm a poor graduate student, ALL my clothes look like hell, period!
i've been getting compliments up the wazoo lately - today i got one from my aunt and my mother - AT A FUNERAL. apparently, my waist is so much smaller that it completely overrides social mores. hrm...
i've been at this for 2 months. and i have 2 months to go till i'm supposed to reach my goal weight of 145. i'm about halfway there, so i'm doing all right. that is where i will no longer be in the 'overweight' category, but in the 'healthy' category. arbitrary numbers, yes, but i figured that would be a nice place to evaluate where i've come from and where i want to go.
(if i get that far...)
but, on the "healthy" note. now, before christmas, i was jogging on the treadmill for about 20 minutes at a time. i smoked around half a pack a day. i was a few pounds shy of being obese. i took a physical fitness test on one of the treadmills at the gym, and it told me that my cardio fitness was "SUPERIOR." really? ME? no way. *lights up a cigarette as she leaves the gym, puff puff*
well, since then, i've quit smoking (it will be 2 months this weekend - woohoo!). i gave up jogging (my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire) because my knees and hips were killing me. but when i use the cardio equipment at the gym, i have to work SO HARD to get my heart rate up.
i'm healthier than i was when i was thinner! i remember just about DYING my freshman year of high school trying to run the mile. hell, i remember trying to run the mile in 7th grade and having a hell of a time.
so, i may have a big butt and thunder thighs. my arms may keep waving long after my hand stops moving. but damn it, i'm healthier than most people i know. and stronger too! damn it! woohoo!
Monday, April 28, 2008
one of the hard parts about seeing myself every day (other than the fact that i'm a bi*ch whom i would rather avoid) is that i don't really notice the changes i've made. well, this picture is of me towards the end of january. when i saw it, i thought it was an excellent picture of me - very flattering. now i look at it, and i can see all this excess.... um... face? it's still a nice picture of my little family though. i'm looking forward to making it grow - but first i want to get rid of the excess beechnut.
anyhoo, i digress.
i found my old weight loss notebook that i kept when i started weight watchers back in january, 2005 (i have since quit, since i stayed about the same weight for 1.5 years - it was getting pointless).
Middle (belly): 49.5
Chest (including boobs): 45
1st Waist (smallest): 39.5
2nd Waist: 39 (10.5 inches lost)
Chest: 40 (5 lost)
Hips: 46.5 (4 lost)
1st Waist: 34.5 (5 lost)
Thigh: 25 (1.4 lost)
Arm: 14 (.5 lost)
as you can see, the top of me is the first to go. now, more recent measurements:
Fat %: 36.1
Bust: 37.5 (1 inch lost since January 08 - goodbye boobies...)
Chest: 33 (1 lost)
Waist: 30.75 (1.75 lost)
Belly: 36 (3.5 lost)
Hips: 44.25 (1.25 lost)
Thighs: 25 (1 lost)
Weight: 162 (10 pounds lost)
Fat %: 34 (2% lost)
when i look at it that way, sure, it hasn't gone as quickly as i would have liked, but it's going and it's a helluva lot better than nothing! i also think it's hilarious that the top of me is disappearing so much faster than my big butt.
my husband noticed the other day that my back fat has been disappearing. he demonstrated what it used to look like and what it currently looks like (it's hard to tell, because it's behind me). interesting.
i'm almost done with the end of the semester push.... i'm so tired of it. i have to finish grading some homework assignments, and then i have a meeting to distribute grades with the other instructor and the professor of the lecture section of the class. i have my own lecture starting next week and i haven't started preparing for it. of course.
tonight the professor wants to take the other instructor and i out to dinner... i made yummy pad thai for later, and my husband hasn't been feeling well. i don't know what i'm going to do. i think maybe i'll make plans to go out to dinner with him later on in the week or something. i feel bad saying no though.
i ripped up a 2nd picture of my husband's ex-wife the other day. it was easier than it was to rip of the first one. it felt good. maybe i'll rip up another one in a few days...
Monday, April 21, 2008
well, it's that time of semester. i have a pile of papers to grade, a pile of homework to grade, and tomorrow i'll be collecting a pile of exams to grade. i have to write my syllabus for the summer semester (i still haven't gotten the book yet!). we're done fixing up the condo and now it's ready to be put up for sale (there's a picture of me applying restore-a-finish to my son's floor) - now we have to clean it. a lot. and meanwhile, i'm still trudging away at this whole losing weight thing.
i thought this picture was fitting for how i'm feeling lately.
my scale is angry or something again. i don't know what i weigh at this point. it's got a 10 lb margin of error, seriously. however, my tape measure is accurate, so i've been measuring myself every couple weeks. i'm getting smaller, even if the number on the scale isn't.
i ripped up a picture of my husband's ex-wife into wee little pieces and threw them in the garbage last week. it was fun, and boy did it feel good and refreshing to do so. i know it's kind of dysfunctional... but in a way, it's not. now instead of picking scabs every so often, they will be gone. if the boys can't remember what she looks like anymore, why the hell should i?
i had a blast this past weekend. on friday i went to the detroit institute of art with my friends - it was so fun! my mom came over for dinner - i hadn't seen her since easter. it was nice to see her. saturday, my guys and i went to royal oak and bummed around the stores. we went to noodles & company for dinner (holy crap - it's GOOD!), and then to cold stone creamery for dessert. that evening we made an attempt to fly some kites, but it didn't go so well.
sunday i got a 1 year family member ship to the detroit zoo, so off we went. we spent about 3 and a half hours there, walking around. the nice thing about the member ship is that we didn't feel rushed to see everything and get our money's worth. we can go back whenever we want. i have plans to take my son there a lot this summer. it sucks being cooped up in the house with cranky mommy. hehehehe
well... back to slave labor.
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