Thursday, May 27, 2010
I have been hashing things over a lot the past couple weeks, and this morning I wrote this on real life pen and paper - egad!
"Life is too short to hate someone."
-and that includes myself.
I make myself miserable because I'm not meeting some lofty expectations. I get angry becasue I only have ONE LIFE and I'm fat. But I should be angry that I have ONE LIFE and that nasty little voice in the back of my mind is making me feel like $hit. It's ruining my sunny days, my 20's, enjoying Avery's babyhood. And it's not fair.
There are fat people who love themselves, and there are thin people who hate themselves. Weight has nothing to do with it.
I am never going to be that perfect person that I try to be, because she does not exist. Yes, Airin's ex was pretty and had a great body (but really, she could have been any girl) - but she was a nasty, irresponsible, manipulative, crazy bi+ch. And she wasn't ALWAYS pretty - sometimes she was downright skanky looking. A slut - a STRIPPER. And a cheater, and a terrible wife and mother. She's uneducated by her own choice. She is a terrible person. And...
I WILL NEVER BE LIKE HER.
Airin was interested in her when he was a selfish, stupid boy - she was a sex object. He was 19. Now that he's his real self again - the guy I knew when we were growing up together - he wants ME. He had to knock her up to marry her - to "do the right thing."
He married me because he really loves me, and thinks I'm beautiful IN MY OWN WAY.
I am intelligent, well-educated, a good (scientific) writer. I'm responsible, dedicated, hard-working. I am loyal and Airin trusts me - and I don't make promises that I can't keep. I am a good mother, a good wife. We have FUN together - I'm not just an object or a prize - because we are best friends.
Yes, I am the largest girl Airin has been with (even when I was thinner) - but SO WHAT? That's only temporary anyway. Even in the last few months it's been melting away. And it's just ONE not-awesome thing about me.
I have beautiful green eyes. I have a big genuine smile. I have pretty soft brown hair. I have nice legs (well, mid-thigh down at least). And good eyebrows too (tweeze!!!).
I have my master's degree - I'm not some high school drop out. I own my own car, my own home (well... sort of - I own 2 homes). I am raising my own children. I'm not acting like some 18 year old in a 28 year old's body (really? Who aspires to work at a bar and a coffee house getting paid under the table?).
I need to stop hurting myself. I would never let anyone else talk to me the way that nasty little voice speaks to me. I am a good person, and I am always trying to be a better person - I deserve better than this!
This self-defeating behavior that I cycle through every couple months is not fair to me and it's not fair to Airin. It makes him so uncomfortable when I bring it up. He's a great person who deserves a great wife - I need to stop bringing up the past and rehashing it. I need to let it go. He made mistakes just like anyone else - and they really did hurt me and our relationship for awhile - but they only continue to have their power because I let them.
It's time I get REAL. Three - four years ago is done. Ten years ago is done. Thirteen years ago is done! It's stupid to worry about it anymore.
Airin and I have a great relationship. We are happy and it shows. Even Airin's (evil) grandma - who probably assumed we're unhappy because we don't go to church - says that she can see we're a happy family and that I love my boys and being a mother. I love Airin, and I love to spend time with him. He loves to spend time with me. How amazing is that!? We're really MEANT TO BE TOGETHER.
So - I have been training to run this 5K - and I'm there! I'm ready! I can do 3.25 miles, WITHOUT the adrenaline rush and the crowd. I trained my body!
I also passed quals - I'm ready to start my doctoral dissertation. I passed quals WITH DISTINCTION - how AWESOME. I've trained my mind.
Now I need to train my body to be thinner, stronger, fitter.
And I need to train myself to be kinder to myself. To support myself. To not let the negative downward spiral to take over.
PROGRESS not perfection!
I'm stronger, fitter, better than I was before - even a month ago! A year ago! I have so many accomplishments to show for it. I can run a 5K - 20 lbs heavier than when I tried to run before! I could never run 3.1 miles - even in junior high. I am at a personal best! I have my MA and passed quals - at my personal best! I'm taking care of the way I look. I'm in a nice home - the nicest yet! I have a beautiful baby - the best I could ever hope for and more. I have the man I wanted for so long - my bestest friend I ever had.
If everything is so wonderful - a job I always wanted, home, baby, husband, etc... - why do I hurt myself because of my WEIGHT? I'm healthy! I'm really blessed!
So shut the F up negative voice. You make no sense. I am more than the size of my a$$.
I WILL lose this fat. I WILL be an active, fit, healthy, woman. I WILL wear a bikini (next summer!). I WILL live a long healthy HAPPY life with my wonderful family. I DESERVE IT. Time to bust a$$ and get what I want. Every time I try - I SUCCEED!
Lucky me - MY FAMILY!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
So, the scale told me I gained 1.5 lbs in the past 6 days. Yes, I did have some cake. Yes, I did have some Doritos. But when I went over, it was only a little bit. And I've been running 4 days a week, and walking or at least strength training the other days. I'm running over 3 miles now, non-stop, which I never could have done before.
But... I got on the scale, and it said I gained weight. It's also the Wii Fit scale, so it makes that "bum bum bum" sound, and says "That's obese!" Yea, yea, I know. Every f-ing time, you tell me I'm obese. I get the fricking point.
So... I re-evaluated the calories I should be eating daily. I was eating extra because I was running so much, and because I was still nursing Avery. But now I only nurse him a little in the mornings - he is almost completely weaned. Or, well, let's face it: I'M almost completely weaned.
I'm going back to 1200 - 1550 per day. That is where I was before I got pregnant, actually. That will be a calorie deficit of about 500/day, or 1 lb per week. Running is another half pound or so, making it about 1.5 lbs/week. Let's see how this goes.
Even though I haven't been losing weight, this running thing is definitely making me smaller. I fit into a bunch of pre-preggo shirts today, which I'm pleased about. Some are tight, some should wait a little longer, but they are ON and some even look decent.
Here are a couple articles I found regarding the F-U scale issue:
This morning, btw, I ran 3.1 miles. This afternoon I did some planting. And then this evening I walked about 2.5 miles or so. So whatever the scale says - I'm training. I'm getting stronger. And I'm getting smaller. :)
Monday, May 24, 2010
Finally - FINALLY - went grocery shopping today. I've been meaning to for a week now. There's a yummy bowl of pears, peaches, plums and apples on the table. There are about 5 lbs of bananas on top of the microwave (to turn into banana 'ice cream' - deeeelicious). We also bought some little vegetable plants and picked up some planters from my dad's house to plant them, since our backyard is so overgrown and messy from the 10 years it was neglected. Hopefully cantaloupe can grow in a pot... hm... we might end up taking up some grass after all.
Found this on the dailySpark - it's from forever ago:
and here's the picture that no one could stop talking about back in August:
A real life woman!
I actually DON'T compare myself to models - truly. They are airbrushed and hungry. I do compare myself to my husband's ex-wife though, and she has a great body. Incidentally, I also saw pictures of her not wearing clothes once (that was awful), and indeed, great body (at least when she was 18). It looked great fairly recently too. And after she had a baby.
I really don't give myself credit. I hate where I am now, but I've already come such a long way. I decided that I would make a scrapbook journaling all the progress I've made. Finishing quals, losing a bunch of weight already, running a 5K (SUNDAY!!!). Stuff like that.
Here are some pictoral improvements:
July - about a week after I had Avery. The last I was weighed, I was 225 lbs (while I was pregnant) and after I had him I went down to about 215 or so. But I didn't weigh myself.
July - this is a couple weeks after Avery was born. About 215?
September - Labor Day weekend in Vegas. I think I was around 200 lbs. My stomach was still way huge.
January - around 195 or 200 lbs.
February - This is after I had been watching what I was eating for about a month. I had lost about 5 lbs at this point.
March - This is after watching what I was eating for about 3.5 months (but for a month or so I wasn't very good about it). I am about 190 here I think.
I don't have any pictures of myself for April... but I'm definitely getting smaller. Even when I look at my pictures from March, there's a huge difference. Running has really tightened me up a lot. And my face is a lot smaller.
And I've done so many other awesome things. So... I need to quit comparing myself to ex-wives that have really fast metabolisms and can eat pizza whenever they want and still be hot. That's not fair to me.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Way back when, I set my goal weight to be 165 (my first goal weight, not the final goal weight) by May 24th. Well, today is May 23rd, and unless I lose 15 lbs by tomorrow I won't be making my goal by the date I set. I'm not even close.
I went through my pre-pregnancy clothes today too, trying to find some shorts to wear. One of my goals was to be able to fit into my shorts and bathing suits this summer. Well, I get them on sort of... at least they go over my butt. But they don't even come close to zipping and buttoning. My bathing suit... well, I haven't tried it yet, but I don't plan on it for awhile anyway.
Boy do I ever feel like crap. I'm rolly, dimpled, pudging out everywhere. Gut, big butt, thunder thighs, pudgy sausage fingers, double-chin. I'm a fat piece of sh t. I'm working, I'm trying, but losing this weight is going so slowly, and I was already so big to begin with.
I am so god damn sick and tired of being fat. I want to be thin and pretty. I feel like I will never get there.
Bah, I guess I just keep on running, eating well... it will eventually happen.
I'm just so sad that I don't even fit into my shorts - I really don't want to buy more.
Airin really deserves better than me. I feel like I tricked him into marrying me or something. How can you go from someone with a perfect body to someone who is all flabby and nasty? He says he doesn't compare us, but that has to be a cover. He told me once before that yes, she was prettier. Well, duh. Of course she is. I'm hideous. He told me that she was the trophy wife, the pretty prize or something along those lines but that I'm his best friend... which is nice that he likes to be friends with me. But that doesn't make me feel very attractive. That was a few years ago that we had that conversation. He has since learned to lie through his teeth.
It's hard to refocus. When I focus on me it really sucks.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
The relief of finishing my quals paper has led me to become more lax in other areas of my life. Like grocery shopping. I seriously need to go grocery shopping. The only fruit we have are LEMONS and SWEETENED COCONUT.
I did pass quals though - with distinction! - and I'm so happy it's over and that I passed. And that I rocked it. With distinction means I earned at least a 3.89 (3.67 is an A-). I'm so happy. Especially after all the crap I had to eat with Darth Vader at my academic probation meeting.
Which I am no longer on.
Tonight I went out for a run after dinner - 8pm is as nice to run as 8am, as it turns out. It was a great run, and I pushed myself an additional .35 miles, for a total of 3.2 miles -- that's a little more than a 5K! I did it! My first race is next Sunday at noon. I love running. Tomorrow I think that instead of going long, I'm going to try to go fast. I don't need to train to go any longer for the race, so I think I want to try something a little different.
My eating is not as good. Especially since we're out of produce, I've been eating too few veggies and fruits. I'm also slacking on water. I need to get focused again.
Self-berating is also in an upswing. I guess I need to force myself to give myself a 5 minute pep-talk every day. I'm making REAL PROGRESS, but most of the time I am still - automatically - telling myself that I'm fat and ugly and a piece of crap.
I have also been neglecting my notebook where I write down all the stuff I want to accomplish every day. I skip about half the week.
I guess a lot of it is a vacation mentality. I worked hard, and I feel like I needed a break. But if there's anything my big fat pregnancy taught me, I NEED TO STAY CONSTANTLY VIGILANT. Or my butt gets big. Fast.
Airin turned 30 yesterday. How crazy. I remember his 14th birthday - we sat next to each other on the ride to Cedar Point and back with band. It was just a few weeks before my 13th birthday. Kurt Cobain was freshly unheaded. Neen and I were new friends and pen-pals. My Mom's abusive second husband had only moved out a couple months earlier. The end of seventh grade was such a big exhale of relief. And there was Airin - he was such a dork, but so was I. Hahaha, I'm so lucky we became friends.
For Airin's birthday I bought him a glider swing. And a 12-pack of yummy beer (to drink while putting it together, and to drink while sitting in it). I'm looking forward to sitting with him in the glider on warm summer evenings, talking and drinking a beer, like we used to. He was very excited to see it - it was totally unexpected too.
There's been more, but it will have to wait for another night. I'm so tired, and tomorrow morning I want to wake up and push myself FASTER.
Happy 30th birthday to my Airin- I love him so F cking much.
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