Thursday, October 09, 2014
Sunday, October 05, 2014
As part of this weekend's BLC challenge, we have been asked to write about a time we were disappointed, and whether we bounced back after the disappointment. My own disappointment that I'll write about was disappointment in how I handled something and how poorly I bounced back.
Four years ago this week, my biological father passed away unexpectedly. Well, I say unexpectedly because I wasn't expecting it. I think he was expecting to die long before he did. He had a brain aneurysm that was caught and removed, and he was expected to make a full recovery. However, he did not. I have a whole theory on this because of my own belief that a person can hurt or heal themselves with their attitudes, but that's not what I'm writing about right now...
Instead, I'll write about my reaction. At that time, I was also involved in a BLC challenge. I was at my pre-baby weight for the first time post-baby. I felt awesome, looked great, ate well, and was exercising often. I loved being part of the BLC then just as now.
Then boom. My dad died at age 52. Our relationship was always a rocky one (at least in my head. I'm not sure he was even aware of it), so the lack of closure may have been the worst part of my grief. At his funeral, I had to face people I never planned to see again. The bizarre family dynamic, the rather unhealthy choices I'd always made around him, etc...All of it conspired together and I let it take over.
I gained all the weight I had lost and more. I quit the BLC and SparkPeople altogether. I just let go of everything that was good for my physical health.
And so...do I think I was resilient at that time? Nope. I did not "rebound" or "get back in the game" for a few years. And when I did, I was pretty much starting over.
What would happen now, I wonder? Obviously, part of life is death. Other people will pass away in my life. Other terrible things will happen. Will I fall apart again? I mean, grief is its own animal and a person has to go through it. But do I have to let go of all of my goals?
No. Right now I pledge that I won't. My own health goals (which are even starting to coincide with my career goals) need to stay top of mind, no matter what. Is that selfish? No. I think anyone on SP would agree with that. We all know that we have to take care of ourselves before we can take care of everyone else.
Here's what I'll do next time (and this could be for anything that could potentially derail me):
1. Keep my habits and routines. Don't stop those.
2. Reach out. Reach out here and to people around me.
3. Write my feelings instead of eating them. They don't taste good anyway.
Anything else you'd recommend?
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
That's my daughter a few months ago. She watched my trainer on a Facebook video, doing handstands with weights...and BOOM! She grabbed weights, turned herself upside down, and there she is.
This isn't the first time I've been inspired by my little bundle of energy...It's awesome to have someone who loves to be active with me!
(Not that you'll see a picture of me doing that...)
Saturday, September 20, 2014
I’m not someone who bares my midriff often (read: EVER), so finding myself outside on a lake in just shorts and a sports bra was not something I expected this weekend...
A few weeks ago, a friend posted about SUP (Stand Up Paddleboard) Yoga on Facebook. My friend is Fit and Healthy, with a fairly regular yoga practice. Guess what I’m not? Well, at least in my own perception: I’m not Fit or Healthy, and I definitely don’t have a regular yoga practice. I’ve been a beginner at yoga for 11 years now. This is similar to my running--a beginner for 7 years…
So I read it and thought, “That’ll be cool to do someday when I’m Fit,” and moved on with my day. However, just so I’d remember, I Liked the Facebook page my friend linked to right then. And a few days later, I read an article on the benefits of SUP Yoga. And I talked a little with my friend about wanting to do that with her “someday.”
My friend assured me I could do it now. However, she was just being nice, right? Of course she was! Why would she think I could do that now? I’m not Fit or Healthy. And no real yoga practice to speak of…
I was sure my friend pictured the two of us like this:
I was also pretty sure I’d be all like this:
So whatever. I left it alone. But it stayed in my head…
See I have these two things about me that I’ve discovered:
I want to be adventurous. I want to do all the crazy things (except bungee jumping). I want to climb and hike and bike and swim and all of it.
I am scared to death. I’ve got crazy amounts of fear in me when it comes to my body. I spend so much time living inside my head that to get OUT of my head and be physically adventurous is frightening as hell.
So I make lists of things to do Some Day.
Well, this week a friend on Sparkpeople wrote something that jumped right off the screen at me. Of course, now that I’m looking for the direct quote I can’t find it. However, here’s the gist: Do not let yourself think you can’t do things at your current weight. And she went on to talk about the races she’s run and the amazing things she’s accomplished with her body.
IMAGINE! She didn’t stop to say she would do it when she felt she was Fit and Healthy. She DID IT.
And so I texted my Fit and Healthy Friend (FHF) and said, “I’m in!” Here’s how our adventure went…
My first view of the lake was this:
I found the wonderful yoga instructor while she was unloading our boards from her truck. First she asked, “Where do you practice yoga?” Well… “I don’t really. Just here and there sometimes for 11 years.” And her next question, “Have you been on a paddleboard?” Ummm…”No. Is this going to be okay?” I was a little scared at this point and a bit ready to just head on back home.
She assured me that I would be fine. The other women (including my FHF) arrived and we learned about our boards and paddles. Then (OMG!!) we (Oh no!!) got in the water (We’re really doing this??). ON. THE. BOARDS. This was by far the scariest part for me. Not even a foot of water, and my legs were shaking already. “This will be bad,” my inner self said. “I will fall in before we even get out on the lake.” “This was a bad idea. My body is not Fit and Healthy, what was I thinking??”
But it didn’t matter. I was in the water and committed. I started paddling, just like the instructor told us. And my paddleboard moved. First we went to the middle of the lake. This was a surprise: I had assumed we would just head a little bit from shore and start downward dogging or whatever. But NO. We got to the middle of the lake and...kept going. We rounded a corner. We found a beautiful spot, with no boats. Nothing but water, trees and blue sky. One of the women said today that every time she does this, it’s like the instructor gives her a little slice of heaven. Yes. That was it. Heaven.
The yoga moves were simple today, mostly for my benefit I think. I was amazed at what I could do. I was even more amazed when, after my shirt got wet while I was laying on the board (I did NOT fall in--it was from water that went a bit of the top of the board), I took my shirt off and continued in my SPORTS BRA. For real. Do you know how often people see me in my sports bra with no shirt? They do not. I try not to hurt people with images like that.
(Don’t look! You’ll hurt your eyes!) Credit: https://www.flickr.com/photos/michaelkeith
But I did it. I stayed in my sports bra all the way back to shore after our yoga practice.
So this was one of my first new adventures. What should I do next?? I’m ready to try it all and I’m done with being afraid. Also you know what? I actually think...I’ve become FIT AND HEALTHY after all! It seems the number on the scale doesn’t determine that. I’m eating well, I’m exercising, I’m trying new things. I’ve begun living the life I wanted to live Some Day.
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