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Not so good ... but why?

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

If any of you are like me, the secret key to motivation eludes me every moment of the day. I had a dr apt yesterday and as usual she mentioned that I keep gaining weight and wanted to know why. I honestly looked at her and said 'I have no idea.' How is it that something you want so badly and need so desperately can be so hard to find and even harder to hold on to in those rare moments you do find it? I told her I had started exercising again that morning, she said, 'good, what made you do it?' and again I had to say, 'I have no idea.' I exercised again this morning, but I still don't know why or how to keep it going. She then asked me what would motivate me to do better? And again I had to say, 'I have no idea.' I know all of the things that should motivate me, but they don't. I should want to be healthier and have better cholesterol and BP. But those things are not enough to get me motivated. And it makes me sad.

The only thing I do know is that food tends to be my 'go to' item. When I was little, my mom died, my house burnt down and my brother and sister's way of dealing with it was drugs and alcohol. Then my dad remarried and she was manic depressive. There were several times I would come home to find my brother passed out and wonder if he was just sleeping or dead or to find a note that said he ran away. To sum it all up, I have been abandoned by so many things in life that i don't trust much. The one thing that was always there was food. When I would come home to a run away note, a passed out sibling or even just an empty house, the one thing that was there was food. Even as I got older, people and things that I though would last didn't. So the only thing I do know is that when someone is asking me to give up the one thing I think I can trust, I get angry, rebellious and resentful. Anyone have any ideas, suggestions or thoughts? I'd love to hear from you all.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IMEMINE1 1/21/2013 7:37PM

    emoticon All great advice. You have to start loving yourself and say Darn, I am worth it!

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FOUNDER3 11/29/2012 8:25PM

    BECKY
I have read all of these wonderful responses, and think it is all great advice, and encouragement. That is the most wonderful thing about Spark People, there is always someone there for you, and we are all here for each other.

That has kept me on this journey for 5 years.

I have had a weight problem since I was 8 years old. It was a problem of the mind. I look back at pictures of myself during the years when I thought I was fat. I was not.

Then, it became the truth, because I thought it was the truth.

I agree with the others, that self esteem is a huge part of a weight problem

It is very "normal" in our society for a person to feel low self esteem. Even without all of the terrible things that you went through, our influences are all about making us feel NOT good enough.

I have not lost all of my weight, and may never lose all of it, but I have kept off a great deal of what I lost, and that is a real victory for me.

When I began this journey, I realized that I had always taken in and accepted as true all of the negative messages that came to me from society, family and friends. None of them meant to make me feel less, it just happened.

The biggest thing I have done, and have to do over again, every day, is to take out those horrible ideas I have allowed to fester in my mind, look at them in the light of day, and recognize that they are truly all lies.

I do not deserve to be fat. I do deserve to be healthy and strong. I can lose weight, and keep it off. I am not a failure, I am human. I am not perfect, and it is really silly of me to expect that I should be.

I am 63 years old, working on this for 5 years, my problem began at 8 years old, so I am now fighting daily against thoughts and ideas that I decided were true, for about 50 years.

You do not have to lose all of your weight today. You do not have to do all of your exercise today. You do not have to be perfect today.

What you must do today, is get through it doing the best you can, making small changes a little at a time, and learning to love yourself forgive yourself and find your own self worth.

I am not perfect, but I can make progress, thus Progress, not perfection.

I can not do it all today, thus, I can do it One day at a time. Sometimes, one minute at a time, one hour at a time, well you get my drift.

I can not do a thing about what I did yesterday, I cannot live tomorrow until it is today, so that is what I am left with, TODAY.

I pray a lot, I work hard to remember the good things about me, I also work hard not to define myself by my weight.

I want to lose more weight, I want to be stronger and healthier, and those are the things that I am working on.

You are a deserving person, with some issues to deal with, just like the rest of us.

The most important thing about the above statement, is YOU ARE A DESERVING PERSON!

The next time your doctor asks about your weight, tell her you are doing the best you can, one day at a time.

I am an old Alanon person, so the last thing I will say is the Serenity Prayer.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

God Bless. Love yourself today.

Bonnie

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CAKAROO 11/28/2012 6:13AM

    emoticon

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EATVEGAN 11/28/2012 1:35AM

    Wow! You have gotten some really good suggestions from those who came before me. I think you will have to find some reasons that are stronger than the need for comfort. I hope you won't wait until you're nearly 70 like I did. But if so, there is still hope. May God bless you. I think Joyce Meyer has a book on weight loss. She's so down-to-earth I'll bet she has some things to say that will click with you. Keep praying and trusting and the Lord will lead you.

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VONBLACKBIRD 11/27/2012 9:12PM

    wow after all these great comments what can I say..

I am still working on myself and being motivated as well..I don't think that part will ever end..but basically like what everyone else has said..you have to do this for YOU!!! You cannot please everyone..

My greatest motivation is knowing how I felt when I was much heavier..I felt sick not at being fat but just plain sick all the time..it was my major decision that made me want to change so I could feel better..the way I was going, I would have died sooner..and that is the way I had to look at it..

Things that have helped me...and I didn't get help from hubby at first as he likes his "sweets" and he doesn't gain like I do..so I cleaned out refrigerator and cubboards and just don't keep those junk foods that are my triggers. I found out once I gave up sugars for a week, then I no longer craved them..if I even ate a tiny bit, it would take me another week to get over the craving again so decided that they are like poison to me. I still like my chrunchy salty snacks but I've changed from chips to bagel chips or pretzels...think it is mainly the "crunch" I enjoy more than anything..I now keep "healthy" foods in the refrigerator and hubby has learned to eat better as well though he still likes his sweets occasionally..I just make sure if they are bought ones like Little Debbies that they are the ones I don't like..

And don't feel bad as this is my 2nd time here at SP..first time I lost almost 50# only to quit SP and put them all right back on plus some..so this time around has got to be it for me..if I have to come and track here every day for the rest of my life..I do track every little bit of food I eat and I still measure as my eyeballing it is not true most of the time..
but really your motivation has to be that you want it mainly to feel better...and learning to eat all over again is sometimes the best thing to do..You have started out great by getting back into exercising...that is the part I really struggle with especially in winter...I'm a natural couch potato..but honey as young as you are you need to keep moving or when you get my age it will be even harder than what I'm going through..and then if you continue on the path you have been on...think knee and hip replacements down the line as you age..I know..I've had both knees and a hip replacement and they are not fun!!!!! do it now and do it for YOU!!!

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STITCH4EVER 11/27/2012 5:06PM

    WELL, FIRST OF ALL, YOU HAVE MADE A MAJOR STEP IN RECOGNIZING THE
PROBLEM AREA AND WHEN AND WHERE IT STARTED. YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR EMOTIONAL REASON IS. NOW WE HAVE TO GET YOU MOTIVATED TO WANT TO DO SOMETHING JUST FOR YOU. IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU WANT TO DO IT FOR YOUR HEALTH, TO BUY COOL CLOTHES, OR JUST TO LOOK BETTER THAN EVERYONE YOU KNOW. WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO HEAR SOMEONE SAY, "YOU LOOK AMAZING!" I WAS 64 YEARS OLD BEFORE IT FINALLY CLICKED FOR ME. AND BELIEVE IT OR NOT, MY REASON WAS REVENGE. BUT WHO CARES? IT IS WORKING. I HAVE LOST OVER 54 POUNDS IN THE LAST 10 MONTHS. I DO NOT FEEL BETTER BUT THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AND I KNEW THAT BEFORE I STARTED. AND NO ONE HAS NOTICED THE WEIGHT LOSS. I AM VERY SHORT AND VERY ROUND SO IT IS HARD TO SEE. AND I AM STILL WEARING MOST OF THE SAME CLOTHES. I WANT YOU TO GO TO "YOUTUBE" AND GOOGLE A VIDEO CALLED, "NEVER, EVER GIVE UP." I EVEN HAVE THIS BOOKMARKED. IT IS SO MOTIVATING THAT I WATCH IT FREQUENTLY. IF HE CAN DO IT - SO CAN YOU. AND WE WILL ALL SUPPORT YOU. THEN WHEN YOUR DR. ASKS WHY, YOU WILL HAVE A NEW ANSWER. "I AM DOING IT FOR ME."
ERIN

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ASOBFALLS 11/27/2012 3:53PM

    emoticon emoticon

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4EVER21B 11/27/2012 3:48PM

    I understand the comfort that food gives me. I understand the betrayal of that comfort. Yes, it is always there. Taste so yummy and can be so satisfying. But then the betrayal starts. First, the tight clothes, then the added inches, followed by too many pounds. This leads to my lack of self esteem. Something I denied feeling for way to long.

But it was my lack of self esteem from my overweight body that deprived me of so many joys. Small things, at first. Then more. For example, the need for a seat belt extension when flying. Double checking chairs to make sure they were sturdy enough to hold my weigh. Avoiding seeing old friends because I became the "fat one".

Yes, I know understand the betray of food. It is my misuse of food to avoid dealing with feelings or issues.

For me, food is a symptom of my deeper malady. I now focus on what is bothering me and ask myself - is this in my control? I reinforce it with the Serenity Prayer.

I am far from perfect in my struggle with food. But what motivates me is that I am determined not to lose that struggle. Perhaps, your motivation is not one single thing. Maybe it is just the determination not give up, like me.

Be gentle with yourself, but be honest, too. Just by blogging, I know you are not ready to give up.

emoticon

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STEPHEN_NANNY 11/27/2012 11:10AM

    Hi there - thank you for dropping in to read my journey! So, I've read your blog here, and I don't know if I can be much help but I'll give you my thoughts.

I love food. LOVE. IT. And, I continue to love it, and that will never end. In a perfect Oprah-type worlds, we'd all have our heads examined by highly qualified shrinks who would help us understand why we do things, both good and bad, to ourselves. But in the real world, we normal folk have to get by with guessing, crutches, denial, enabling, indulging, and whatever other coping strategy we adopt to get us through to the end of the day. As you get on in years, I think it is harder to undo these. So what to do? I say - you be honest with yourself about them, and manage them as best you can, without beating yourself up and banging your head against a wall fixing things that really can't be fixed.

So you like food? Don't stop. But...learn to like some new food, and learn to love your 'old' food, but in a non-destructive way (just like a relationship). I have come to learn to like non-salted, healthy veggies...I bathe in their glory and wonderful flavours. All I had to do was realize that I was being a slave to the food industry by being addicted to their salty sugary processed food. I weened myself off the sodium, and then suddenly other flavours came alive. I CAN STILL LOVE MY FOOD.

So, when you've taken control of your food intake, your own body, and when you've been able to shed a few pounds, then you can enjoy the delicious treats you've always liked...chocolate...whatever it is. But, instead of gorging, you treat yourself to smaller sizes, and on occasion, all the while telling yourself that you are looking better, feeling better, and are IN CONTROL OF YOU.

So, get angry. Get resentful. But direct it at that which deserves it (not yourself, or your doctor). Direct it at those people who profit from your addictions and crutches and over-indulgences. Love your food, but demand love back from it...not what it has been giving you: cholesterol, weight, fat, low energy, cavities, bad health.

We are behind you, and we are all on the same team! Good luck!

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SURRENDER21 11/27/2012 11:02AM

    Thank you for opening your heart and sharing - when I hear of children with a tragic home like yours, it makes me want to cry and fight.

And Bravo to you for recognizing where the source of your comfort for food comes from. When no one else was there for you, food was.

I'm 42 years old and just this year finally figured out why I turn to food for comfort. I was raised in a very stable and loving home but as a result when I "went out into the world" and discovered how harsh it is, insecurity flared up. I eat to deal with my insecurity at work, insecurity with friends, insecurity with just about everything outside the home.

So anyway I think it's interesting that no matter how you were raised, with a strong home or a dysfunctional one, life still throws us issues that tempt us to destructive behaviors - whether its drinking or drugs or over-medicating with food.

I cannot recommend Overeaters Anonymous enough. I have been going to meetings for 3 months now, and for the first time in years I have hope of eventually overcoming my binging and emotional eating.

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OOLALA53 11/27/2012 9:02AM

    You really have to sit down and determine what overusing food is costing you as well. I don't even mean the shame because I think that's not a very effective motivator, though you will likely feel some pride for sticking to a reasonable plan. You also have to recognize that you are not that little girl anymore and just because you've done something familiar and easy for a long time, it does not mean you have to keep doing it. You CAN tolerate eating less at meals, less (n0t NO) processed foods, and likely eating fewer times a day, if you've been used to permasnacking. You can find other either pleasurable or productive things to do instead of eat. (Productive might mean journaling, napping, having a quick cry, or just some deep breaths until you can get to a place to take more care of the upset) Though the past affects us, we need to live in the now and create new habits and new memories emoticon . Get very clear that by consistently overeating, you are depriving yourself of the feelings of vitality and pep you can have when consistently eating moderately. Plus, there must be people in your life who would be positively affected by seeing you take more responsibility for your health. These are just a few ideas. I've got to go to work now but if you'd like me to send you my list of "reasons to eat sanely"- I have over 40 items of different types-, let me know and I'll get back to you later.

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Anyone from Texas?

Friday, September 07, 2012

This isn't a usual blog, but I need some information and I feel my spark friends would be the best source. I might have a possible job offer from Magnolia Texas, but I'm finding it hard to find any 'consistant' data. Can anone help?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TXPATRIOT 7/23/2013 8:14AM

    From the Dallas area. Born and raised!

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DR1939 9/8/2012 9:33AM

    I'm from Northwest Houston which is not too far from Magnolia. However, I've been gone for many years. I still have family there that I visit on a regular basis. Magnolia used to be a little East Texas town, but with the advent of all the interstates in the area these small towns are now suburbs. If you are considering this area I would look at what the north side of Houston has to offer. The weather is hot and steamy in the summer but pleasant in the winter.

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NUTRON3 9/8/2012 7:27AM

    I am from Katy, Texas

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ZACEVETOB 9/7/2012 9:22PM

    Not in Texas, but cheering you on :)

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FEB_SHOWERS16 9/7/2012 9:11PM

    I'm a half hour from Magnolia!

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SMURFY_47 9/7/2012 8:48PM

    I'm from TX but not near Magnolia. I did however find the City of Magnolia, TX webpage

http://cityofmagnoli
a.com/

Hope this helps!

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FERGSGIRL2 9/7/2012 8:24PM

    I live in central Texas. I looked up "cities in TX" and found this info--pop 1400, it is outside Houston, next to The Woodlands area. Google it "cities in TX, and it should come up and there is more info there. Wish I could be more helpful, but not really sure what you're looking for. Good luck!


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LITTLEGUYSMOM1 9/7/2012 8:09PM

    I don't have any knowledge of TX, but just know that I'm praying!

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IMAVISION 9/7/2012 8:07PM

    Ima is a "Yellow Rose of Texas" whom the good Lord has transplanted to Colorado.

I wish you success in finding the answers you seek.

I do know that Texas doesn't have a state tax - that was nice while living there.

God bless!

Ima

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Most Recent Evaluation - almost on time.

Monday, September 03, 2012

The craziness just doesnít end. It doesnít even slow down. I keep telling myself that it will all be over, I just need to get through this rough time, but a couple weeks have now starting to turn into a month. Iíve had a total of 14 interviews in 3 weeks. I have had technically 4 offers and two of those were from the same company. The worst part is that I think Iím failing. I think I really screwed up. Or maybe Iím just having a hard time waiting for Godís plan. I donít know and thereís nothing I hate worse than not even understanding my own brain.

The first offer was from a trucking co. that Iíve heard bad things about, so I waited for an offer from one of the other jobs I prefered. Then I got a call from a company further away. It was only part time, less than half the hours I work now, $2 less an hour and 3x the distance. Unfortunately it is one of the ones that is close to my dream jobs so I immediately said yes and made plans to start on the 10th. But then I did the math and my husband confirmed by his constant going on about how we couldnít afford for me to take the job. He made sure I knew all the things weíd have to give up if I took it; the motorcycle, smart phones and the internet. We canít give up the internet, because he needs it for his job. I would feel awful if he was the one with a job, but had to give up Ďhisí bike and the smart phones maybe we could do without, but I donít know. Iím just so torn, she said the job would eventually be full-time, but not to start. She said it would be full-time when their busy season started just before Christmas. Now that Iíve called and told her I wouldnít be taking the job, I havenít heard anything from her. So I think sheís probably mad and wonít respond to my calls or emails. I canít blame her either.

Then the trucking co. called back and said they Ďthought it overí and decided they would like me to start on Tuesday after the holiday instead of only giving me 1 day notice. I had just gotten a call to have a second interview somewhere else and so I declined the offer again. Then I had the second interview and I hated it. Iíll basically be doing tella-marketing from business to business for a company we stopped using personally because they suck. Itís $2.5 less an hour only 2x as far and full time. I had the interview on Friday and Iíve been depressed all weekend about it. Because Iíve already passed up the other two offers, I have to take this one. I havenít even started and Iím already crying over it.
What I really want is a job I interviewed for on Wednesday. Itís a child and adolescent behavior clinic and I want it sooo bad. It would be doing the things Iím already comfortable with and good at, but for a company that does sooo much good, not just looking to make a profit. Iíd be salary for the first time and itís only 2 minutes more from my house than my current job. I want it so bad, but I feel like Iím either asking for too much or maybe donít deserve it. And it is the other one that would be close to my dream job. In fact it is as close as Iíve ever come to something that is Ďperfect-as-possibleí for me. I have such diverse interests, where am I ever going to find a job doing more than one thing I like; accounting, art, psychology, learning and reading. The first job I passed up that would be my dream job was doing accounting and Iíd be around art all the time and this job would be accounting and Iíd be around psychologist all the time, plus it has all the things I Ďneed.í

Then after all this dilemma going on in my mind I found out that the renters in our old house are having financial trouble. We wanted to sell our old house, but we couldnít because of the housing market, so we bought a house next to Johnís mom and dad and moved. We were planning to pay on the old house as long as we could and then probably have to foreclose on it. About a month before we would have foreclosed, we found a family that needed to rent it and weíve been renting it since 2008. They are great renters, but now something has happened to them financially and I donít know how long theyíll be able to stay.

So to sum it up, weíre losing one income and taking the expense of another household. I feel like I want to die. I know I shouldnít, but everything seems so hopeless. Then my tight-wad husband had the nerve to tell me what our checking and savings balances were and I was soo pissed. We have plenty that I could have taken that first dream-job and we would have been fine until it became full-time. Iím trying not to be mad at him, but itís hard. He demands nothing less than what he wants and he doesnít think about what that does to others. And what pisses me off even more is that he always seems to get what he wants. Why? What makes me such a horrible person that I rarely get what I need let alone what I want? I know Iím exaggerating, but during times like this, that is exactly how it feels.
I think part of my problem is that now Iím working on borrowed time. I was suppose to be out of a job on Friday, but my boss wanted me to stay a couple extra weeks because things arenít getting transferred as quickly and easily as he had hoped. So I should be grateful for the extra time, but instead Iím more stressed than ever. In fact I'm so stressed that I've started getting muscle spasms, muscle pain and headaches. I just want this to all be over.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOMFAN 9/4/2012 6:33PM

    Hugs and prayer!! Take it all to God and ask Him what he desires for you to do. Love your hubby. We don't always know what they are going through. Praying for wisdom and discernment.

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CAKAROO 9/4/2012 6:09AM

    emoticon

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ZACEVETOB 9/3/2012 8:58PM

    Becky, You know how i feel, prayers and all, I wish i was there near you to help you out and give you a hug, have lunch together you know, I really believe that this will turn out all ok, with lord's hands , You will get there, things will be ok, even though stress may seem double right now, But i give you big hugs my dear friend emoticon emoticon

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LITTLEGUYSMOM1 9/3/2012 8:29PM

    Rebecka ~ my heart is going out to you. I can't imagine how hard it is for you right now, but please hang in there. I know God will open the right door for you-I'm praying He does it quickly! ;) Don't let fear and confusion cloud your thinking. God will make a way and you'll know when it's right. I'm praying that His peace will shower over you and He'll bring you into your dream job. emoticon

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NESARIAN 9/3/2012 6:11PM

    Hang on! Keep the faith that the perfect job for you will appear at the right time.
I wish you the best!!!

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CAROL6X 9/3/2012 4:03PM

    You can do it hang in there!!!! Take a breather and de-stress. emoticon emoticon

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Second Evaluation - not on time.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

So much for blogging regularly. Iíve been so busy I barely know my own name.
Iíve had 10 job interviews and theyíre exhausting. I finally got a job offer, but decided to decline it. Iíve heard from a friend who works there that she is miserable and from someone else that they donít treat their employees well. They also wanted to hire me without an interview. So I called two other jobs I had interviewed for and that were on my top list of places to work and one of them basically said that they were going to offer me a job in a couple weeks when they take on a new client. And the other one is a very reputable co in our area. So I decided to hold out for one of them. I just pray I made the right choice.
Something else that has happened lately is that my niece moved in. So far itís working well. Iím so proud of her, she has been here a week and two days and she has already applied for a ton of jobs, had one interview and signed up to get her HS diploma. Iím so proud of her. Sheís already planning to get her licence, get a car and go to college. Unfortunately now I think my sister is mad at me. But I see it that she has had plenty of chances to turn her life around, and the kids should have a chance now.
In short that is about it for the last couple weeks, but it sure felt like more. Probably because Iíve had an interview every day for the last two weeks. And truthfully theyíre hard to keep up with.

Evaluation questions:
Did any of events stir up strong or even mild emotions? Yep, looking for a job has been very taxing. Several times I felt panicky, out of control and very worried about the future. But no actual panic attacks.
How do you think those emotions compare and relate to the real situation? If they were not realistic, what value might these feelings offer or what did you learn from all this? Within reason I think. Other than the few times I cried over the whole job thing.
How are your Ďhabitsí coming along? Bad, because of looking for a job, Iíve let a lot of my habits go, but Iím learning that if I donít keep up with my habits, I canít keep up with the interviews Iíve had.
Were you able to start a new habit? If so, how do you feel about it, was it the right time to start, too soon and were you ready for it? Nope
Were you able to maintain habits you had already established? Nope
What do you think made it a success or a failure? Preoccupied with something else.
Did you binge or emotionally eat? Oh, yea. I did that a lot.
What did you learn from all this? Balance is VERY important and I need to stay focused on that. I need to make sure that even under stress it is important to take care of myself first.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

VONBLACKBIRD 8/26/2012 11:05AM

    emoticonon using your brain in the job situation and in evaluating yourself...It sounds like you have your insights of what is happening on an emotional level in order..I'm continuing to pray for you..and Kuddos to helping your neice out..You have a really big caring heart. emoticon

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ZACEVETOB 8/26/2012 9:37AM

    I know you, your name is Becky :) Don't see why your sister should be mad at you for helping out your niece, its good she is finally able to have that chance to turn her life around, Good luck with the job applications for both of you :) Despite having a bad run of emotional eating, you have done good on your elevation, this is a stressful time, and hopefully you can take small steps one time at time to conquer it aye :) I bet in the begin you couldn't even elevate like you do now, i am proud with you and your progress. Keep it up :)

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EATVEGAN 8/26/2012 12:16AM

    I think you've drawn some excellent conclusions from these situations. I also think you made a wise decision on the jobs. You sure don't want to work where you would be miserable. I believe the right one will come through for you. emoticon
Janet

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MOMFAN 8/25/2012 11:07PM

    emoticon

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NUTTYNERDGIRL 8/25/2012 9:20PM

    I think you made a really brave decision in waiting for the job that you'll enjoy. I'm sure it will work out wonderfully for you.

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Beginning of regular evaluations.

Sunday, August 05, 2012

Well Iíve decided to start blogging on a regular basis. However I decided this a few weeks ago and have yet to do it. So Iíll consider this my start date. First, let me explain to you why I decided to blog regularly and then, why I havenít.

I am the kind of persona who needs to do regular evaluations on my life. I have even created a series of questions to help myself out when evaluating. However, I usually make a great plan and set of questions and then never do them. I need to evaluate regularly because I have Ďhabits.í I know your thinking, Ďwe all have habits, what so special about your habits?í The answer; nothing! In fact they might even be the very same habits you have. What makes the difference between the past me and the current me is that, over the last few years I noticed that these Ďhabitsí were so automatic that I donít even know I was doing them until I was done. Sometimes days or weeks after Iíve done it. And although Iím not Ďgreatí at recognizing my habits yet, Iíve learned that weekly or some type of regular journaling and / or evaluating really helps. If I force myself to pay attention, recognize or face them, then Iím more likely to catch myself in the act next week.

So on to my last three crazy weeks. It started around July 13 - Oh, I just realized that was Friday the 13th. Anyway I got a call from a friend who has two dogs my husband loves. She called to tell me that she found a dog just like theirs on Craigís list. She said they were being evicted from their home and couldnít take the dog where they were going. So I jumped on it. My husband wasnít as eager as I was, until she was in the car and we were on our way home and about 5 minute into the ride he said, Ďshe really is a nice dog.í This coming from the man, who earlier that day had more questions about her than a College final exam. As a side note, it reminded me why we didnít have two dogs, I can handle the dogs, but not always my husbandís worrying. We took her home and in just enough time for me to have to leave for a scrapbooking trip over the weekend. The scrapbooking was good, but the friend I go with talks forever and I have to use headphones to get anything done. On Sunday morning I got a text from my husband saying he was having heart flutters and was going to the emergency room. So the weekend was cut short. It turned out to be nothing except scarry. That evening I got a call from my sister asking if I could come get her if she needed to come early. She was having surgery on Friday the 20th and I was to be her caretaker for a while. By Wednesday she had called and I was on my way to get her. It is about a 40min drive and I use about ⅛ of a tank of gas every time I go and come back. And every Thursday I go get her and my brother, bring them back to my town for church / Celebrate Recovery and then back again - thatís about 2 hours and 20 minutes every Thursday and a ľ tank of gas. So this is how that went. I went there Wednesday to pick them up, only to find out they had volunteered me to take my nephew somewhere and drop him off. Then I had hoped to take my brother home when I took sis to surgery, but they had also volunteered me to take my nephew home, so it was another trip on Thursday. Friday was another trip for her surgery and that is when I found out it wasnít an outpatient surgery, but she would be there at least over night, which meant another trip on Saturday. Saturday is when I found out she was having complications and that meant another trip on Sunday. Not only was it a lot of driving, money and stress, but because I was at the hospital all day those days, I got nothing done at my house that I had hoped to get done. And the worst part was having to cope with family members the whole time. I moved further away for a reason and I limit my contact with them for the same reasons. And if that wasnít enough, once again I was Ďexpectedí to take my nephew home and my niece to get some clothes and then back to the hospital. This was a great reminder why I moved. And it made me wonder why I didnít leave the state instead of just the town.

So on to the next week. My in-laws, who live next door have their grandkids stay one one at a time, one week every summer and the oldest one has become friends with one of our friends boy. So I had invited him to come stay that week so they could be together. That just happened to overlap the week my sister was staying for recovery. So Sunday when I brought my sister home, there was a 14 year old waiting for me too. Good thing heís funny because he was the first person to make me laugh in about a week and a half. Then my sisterís husband and my cousin showed up unannounced and I was already in my pajamas and we had just got the dogs settled down. People just showing up is a pet peeve of mine anyway, so after such stressful days it about drove me over the edge. Sunday, Monday and Tuesday were busy but at least I had my husband home to help and listen. However, I knew that wasnít going to last either. He had made plans to go on a motorcycle trip to S Carolina. He was suppose to leave Friday, but that turned into Thursday and Wednesday when I got home, he was packing. My husband packs the day or morning of, so I knew something was up. Sure enough, they had changed their minds again and were now leaving Wednesday evening and werenít going to be back until Tuesday. Just before all that I found out that my mother-in-law had to work and then had some doctor apt. Thursday and Friday, so I only worked half days those days to help out. That makes a recovering adult, two 14 year old boys and a new puppy (7 months old) in my house for about three days straight and with no help. Oh, yea, and a co-worker was taking time off too, so I had twice the amount of work to do in half the amount of time. All I can say about Wednesday through Sunday was it very touch and go. One minute I was fine and the next minute the littlest thing would send me overboard. And that was on my medication, so praise God I remembered to take it that whole time.
By Saturday / Sunday I was starting to adjust mentally and gather my thoughts again and make a plan to get caught up on all the things I had gotten behind on. So I had a plan and I was feeling better. Monday I would go to work, my friend would pick up her son and after work I would take my sister home. Then I would clean the house, do laundry and get everything ready for my husband to come home (and we could just relax) on Tuesday. But again my Ďplaní was thrown out the window by someone elseís plans, or lack of plans. I got a text from my husband that he was coming home Monday. So much for the house being clean when he got back. Then he actually got home on Sunday in the middle of the night and woke me to say he was home. I was Ďscaredí out of a dead sleep. Not good! Monday my friend came and got her son, my husband took my sister home before I got home and I finally got to clean.
That starts the third week of crazy. I had hoped that the third week would be busy, but not a stressful busy. NOPE! Monday I cleaned, Tuesday I had a hair apt., Wednesday I went school shopping with my niece and nephews and then to calling hours for someone in Johnís family, who I had never met and his dad insisted I be there. Thursday was two more trips to a town 40 minutes away and Friday we took the new dog to be spayed. Saturday we were suppose to have a motorcycle event all weekend, but someone had to stay and make sure the dog stayed calm. So I stayed while my husband went to the event and he came home just in time for me to leave for my dad and sisters birthday. And some time this week my husband and I had to discuss whether my brother could live with us or not and what rules we were going to make him abide by while he was here. It turns out he didnít like our rules and decided to go somewhere else anyway. But then my niece asked if she could stay with us instead, so now weíre discussing that. And, finally itís today. Thank God next week doesnít look so bad. I just pray thatís how it really goes.

So on to the evaluation questions:
What events happened this week? Iíd rather not repeat them, you can just refer to whatís above.
Did any of those events stir up strong or even mild emotions? Yes, the strongest emotion came when I had to pick up my nephew and take him home again. And no one had asked or checked with me first, they just assumed I would do it. And that it happened again. The second thing to stir up strong emotions was my brother-in-law and cousin showing up. Partially because my sister and him were supposed to be getting a divorce and I recently found out they were trying to get back together. I was irritated that people just showed up, but even more irritated that it was them.
How do you think those emotions compare and relate to the real situation? If they were not realistic, what value might these feelings offer or what did you learn from all this? I think they were realistic, because itís not right that people expect you to do things and/or plan things for you and donít ask. It is rude, selfish and controlling on their part. I need to work on stopping this from happening in my life. I also think it was rude for people to just show up. Just because someone they cared about was staying there doesnít mean they had the right to just show up unannounced.

How are your Ďhabitsí coming along? Surprisingly well, especially considering the events of the last three weeks. I was able to do well on taking my medicine, sticking to a morning and night routine, journal and study my Bible a little.
Were you able to start a new habit? If so, how do you feel about it, was it the right time to start, too soon and were you ready for it? Not really. I was mostly just trying to continue habits already established and not blow my top completely. All things considering I think I did fairly well.
Were you able to maintain habits you had already established? Well, it was more like getting back on track with habits I had established before and let slide.
What do you think made it a success or a failure? Using more tools on Spark (nutrition, fitness and BP tracking,) taking time for myself at any moment I could and I keept reminding myself that all this wasnít going to last forever.
Did you binge or emotionally eat? Oh, yea! In fact, I didnít even really track it except in my nutrition tracker, but I did journal regularly, so that helped. My binge / emotional foods were; ice cream, ice cream sandwiches, little cheesecakes, pizza, potato chips, fast food, popcorn and just about anything I could get my hands on.
What did you learn from all this?
Be more careful with planning things and making sure I look at the calendar before committing to anything.
Learn to be more aware of and catch the things my family Ďpullsí so I donít get trapped by their stunts. For example, In these situations, I should have asked how my nephew was getting home before I took him in the first place and I should have told his dad at the hospital right away that when he left, he needed to take him home with him.

I guess what it all boils down to is that these weeks were crazy, but I made through with fairly great progress.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ZACEVETOB 8/7/2012 8:02PM

    I already knew of your circus event, you could take that up as a hobby juggling balls, you seem to be good at that (j/k), but i love how you had those evaluating questions, it really opens your eyes what you had been doing, doesn't it? So your a step of recovering that is great, hope your weeks settle down so you can enjoy your new addition to your family :) .

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ASOBFALLS 8/6/2012 10:46AM

    emoticon It can be extremely difficult to set 'rules' in a dysfunctional family. But consistency will eventually make a difference. emoticon

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CAKAROO 8/6/2012 6:14AM

    wow! Hope things settle down and get better for you

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JOANNAIMREADY 8/5/2012 7:11PM

    Being more assertive and setting boundaries with your family sounds like exactly what you need.

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MOMFAN 8/5/2012 6:38PM

    Wow!! I agree you need to set ground rules. Congrats on staying the course of getting back on track after all that stress.

One thing that helped hubby and I, that when necessary he was the one to tell them no. It took all the pressure off me and put it on him. Have you and hubby talked about all this. God can give him the wisdom to direct you.

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