Tuesday, November 27, 2012
If any of you are like me, the secret key to motivation eludes me every moment of the day. I had a dr apt yesterday and as usual she mentioned that I keep gaining weight and wanted to know why. I honestly looked at her and said 'I have no idea.' How is it that something you want so badly and need so desperately can be so hard to find and even harder to hold on to in those rare moments you do find it? I told her I had started exercising again that morning, she said, 'good, what made you do it?' and again I had to say, 'I have no idea.' I exercised again this morning, but I still don't know why or how to keep it going. She then asked me what would motivate me to do better? And again I had to say, 'I have no idea.' I know all of the things that should motivate me, but they don't. I should want to be healthier and have better cholesterol and BP. But those things are not enough to get me motivated. And it makes me sad.
The only thing I do know is that food tends to be my 'go to' item. When I was little, my mom died, my house burnt down and my brother and sister's way of dealing with it was drugs and alcohol. Then my dad remarried and she was manic depressive. There were several times I would come home to find my brother passed out and wonder if he was just sleeping or dead or to find a note that said he ran away. To sum it all up, I have been abandoned by so many things in life that i don't trust much. The one thing that was always there was food. When I would come home to a run away note, a passed out sibling or even just an empty house, the one thing that was there was food. Even as I got older, people and things that I though would last didn't. So the only thing I do know is that when someone is asking me to give up the one thing I think I can trust, I get angry, rebellious and resentful. Anyone have any ideas, suggestions or thoughts? I'd love to hear from you all.
Friday, September 07, 2012
This isn't a usual blog, but I need some information and I feel my spark friends would be the best source. I might have a possible job offer from Magnolia Texas, but I'm finding it hard to find any 'consistant' data. Can anone help?
Monday, September 03, 2012
The craziness just doesnít end. It doesnít even slow down. I keep telling myself that it will all be over, I just need to get through this rough time, but a couple weeks have now starting to turn into a month. Iíve had a total of 14 interviews in 3 weeks. I have had technically 4 offers and two of those were from the same company. The worst part is that I think Iím failing. I think I really screwed up. Or maybe Iím just having a hard time waiting for Godís plan. I donít know and thereís nothing I hate worse than not even understanding my own brain.
The first offer was from a trucking co. that Iíve heard bad things about, so I waited for an offer from one of the other jobs I prefered. Then I got a call from a company further away. It was only part time, less than half the hours I work now, $2 less an hour and 3x the distance. Unfortunately it is one of the ones that is close to my dream jobs so I immediately said yes and made plans to start on the 10th. But then I did the math and my husband confirmed by his constant going on about how we couldnít afford for me to take the job. He made sure I knew all the things weíd have to give up if I took it; the motorcycle, smart phones and the internet. We canít give up the internet, because he needs it for his job. I would feel awful if he was the one with a job, but had to give up Ďhisí bike and the smart phones maybe we could do without, but I donít know. Iím just so torn, she said the job would eventually be full-time, but not to start. She said it would be full-time when their busy season started just before Christmas. Now that Iíve called and told her I wouldnít be taking the job, I havenít heard anything from her. So I think sheís probably mad and wonít respond to my calls or emails. I canít blame her either.
Then the trucking co. called back and said they Ďthought it overí and decided they would like me to start on Tuesday after the holiday instead of only giving me 1 day notice. I had just gotten a call to have a second interview somewhere else and so I declined the offer again. Then I had the second interview and I hated it. Iíll basically be doing tella-marketing from business to business for a company we stopped using personally because they suck. Itís $2.5 less an hour only 2x as far and full time. I had the interview on Friday and Iíve been depressed all weekend about it. Because Iíve already passed up the other two offers, I have to take this one. I havenít even started and Iím already crying over it.
What I really want is a job I interviewed for on Wednesday. Itís a child and adolescent behavior clinic and I want it sooo bad. It would be doing the things Iím already comfortable with and good at, but for a company that does sooo much good, not just looking to make a profit. Iíd be salary for the first time and itís only 2 minutes more from my house than my current job. I want it so bad, but I feel like Iím either asking for too much or maybe donít deserve it. And it is the other one that would be close to my dream job. In fact it is as close as Iíve ever come to something that is Ďperfect-as-possibleí for me. I have such diverse interests, where am I ever going to find a job doing more than one thing I like; accounting, art, psychology, learning and reading. The first job I passed up that would be my dream job was doing accounting and Iíd be around art all the time and this job would be accounting and Iíd be around psychologist all the time, plus it has all the things I Ďneed.í
Then after all this dilemma going on in my mind I found out that the renters in our old house are having financial trouble. We wanted to sell our old house, but we couldnít because of the housing market, so we bought a house next to Johnís mom and dad and moved. We were planning to pay on the old house as long as we could and then probably have to foreclose on it. About a month before we would have foreclosed, we found a family that needed to rent it and weíve been renting it since 2008. They are great renters, but now something has happened to them financially and I donít know how long theyíll be able to stay.
So to sum it up, weíre losing one income and taking the expense of another household. I feel like I want to die. I know I shouldnít, but everything seems so hopeless. Then my tight-wad husband had the nerve to tell me what our checking and savings balances were and I was soo pissed. We have plenty that I could have taken that first dream-job and we would have been fine until it became full-time. Iím trying not to be mad at him, but itís hard. He demands nothing less than what he wants and he doesnít think about what that does to others. And what pisses me off even more is that he always seems to get what he wants. Why? What makes me such a horrible person that I rarely get what I need let alone what I want? I know Iím exaggerating, but during times like this, that is exactly how it feels.
I think part of my problem is that now Iím working on borrowed time. I was suppose to be out of a job on Friday, but my boss wanted me to stay a couple extra weeks because things arenít getting transferred as quickly and easily as he had hoped. So I should be grateful for the extra time, but instead Iím more stressed than ever. In fact I'm so stressed that I've started getting muscle spasms, muscle pain and headaches. I just want this to all be over.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
So much for blogging regularly. Iíve been so busy I barely know my own name.
Iíve had 10 job interviews and theyíre exhausting. I finally got a job offer, but decided to decline it. Iíve heard from a friend who works there that she is miserable and from someone else that they donít treat their employees well. They also wanted to hire me without an interview. So I called two other jobs I had interviewed for and that were on my top list of places to work and one of them basically said that they were going to offer me a job in a couple weeks when they take on a new client. And the other one is a very reputable co in our area. So I decided to hold out for one of them. I just pray I made the right choice.
Something else that has happened lately is that my niece moved in. So far itís working well. Iím so proud of her, she has been here a week and two days and she has already applied for a ton of jobs, had one interview and signed up to get her HS diploma. Iím so proud of her. Sheís already planning to get her licence, get a car and go to college. Unfortunately now I think my sister is mad at me. But I see it that she has had plenty of chances to turn her life around, and the kids should have a chance now.
In short that is about it for the last couple weeks, but it sure felt like more. Probably because Iíve had an interview every day for the last two weeks. And truthfully theyíre hard to keep up with.
Did any of events stir up strong or even mild emotions? Yep, looking for a job has been very taxing. Several times I felt panicky, out of control and very worried about the future. But no actual panic attacks.
How do you think those emotions compare and relate to the real situation? If they were not realistic, what value might these feelings offer or what did you learn from all this? Within reason I think. Other than the few times I cried over the whole job thing.
How are your Ďhabitsí coming along? Bad, because of looking for a job, Iíve let a lot of my habits go, but Iím learning that if I donít keep up with my habits, I canít keep up with the interviews Iíve had.
Were you able to start a new habit? If so, how do you feel about it, was it the right time to start, too soon and were you ready for it? Nope
Were you able to maintain habits you had already established? Nope
What do you think made it a success or a failure? Preoccupied with something else.
Did you binge or emotionally eat? Oh, yea. I did that a lot.
What did you learn from all this? Balance is VERY important and I need to stay focused on that. I need to make sure that even under stress it is important to take care of myself first.
Sunday, August 05, 2012
Well Iíve decided to start blogging on a regular basis. However I decided this a few weeks ago and have yet to do it. So Iíll consider this my start date. First, let me explain to you why I decided to blog regularly and then, why I havenít.
I am the kind of persona who needs to do regular evaluations on my life. I have even created a series of questions to help myself out when evaluating. However, I usually make a great plan and set of questions and then never do them. I need to evaluate regularly because I have Ďhabits.í I know your thinking, Ďwe all have habits, what so special about your habits?í The answer; nothing! In fact they might even be the very same habits you have. What makes the difference between the past me and the current me is that, over the last few years I noticed that these Ďhabitsí were so automatic that I donít even know I was doing them until I was done. Sometimes days or weeks after Iíve done it. And although Iím not Ďgreatí at recognizing my habits yet, Iíve learned that weekly or some type of regular journaling and / or evaluating really helps. If I force myself to pay attention, recognize or face them, then Iím more likely to catch myself in the act next week.
So on to my last three crazy weeks. It started around July 13 - Oh, I just realized that was Friday the 13th. Anyway I got a call from a friend who has two dogs my husband loves. She called to tell me that she found a dog just like theirs on Craigís list. She said they were being evicted from their home and couldnít take the dog where they were going. So I jumped on it. My husband wasnít as eager as I was, until she was in the car and we were on our way home and about 5 minute into the ride he said, Ďshe really is a nice dog.í This coming from the man, who earlier that day had more questions about her than a College final exam. As a side note, it reminded me why we didnít have two dogs, I can handle the dogs, but not always my husbandís worrying. We took her home and in just enough time for me to have to leave for a scrapbooking trip over the weekend. The scrapbooking was good, but the friend I go with talks forever and I have to use headphones to get anything done. On Sunday morning I got a text from my husband saying he was having heart flutters and was going to the emergency room. So the weekend was cut short. It turned out to be nothing except scarry. That evening I got a call from my sister asking if I could come get her if she needed to come early. She was having surgery on Friday the 20th and I was to be her caretaker for a while. By Wednesday she had called and I was on my way to get her. It is about a 40min drive and I use about ⅛ of a tank of gas every time I go and come back. And every Thursday I go get her and my brother, bring them back to my town for church / Celebrate Recovery and then back again - thatís about 2 hours and 20 minutes every Thursday and a ľ tank of gas. So this is how that went. I went there Wednesday to pick them up, only to find out they had volunteered me to take my nephew somewhere and drop him off. Then I had hoped to take my brother home when I took sis to surgery, but they had also volunteered me to take my nephew home, so it was another trip on Thursday. Friday was another trip for her surgery and that is when I found out it wasnít an outpatient surgery, but she would be there at least over night, which meant another trip on Saturday. Saturday is when I found out she was having complications and that meant another trip on Sunday. Not only was it a lot of driving, money and stress, but because I was at the hospital all day those days, I got nothing done at my house that I had hoped to get done. And the worst part was having to cope with family members the whole time. I moved further away for a reason and I limit my contact with them for the same reasons. And if that wasnít enough, once again I was Ďexpectedí to take my nephew home and my niece to get some clothes and then back to the hospital. This was a great reminder why I moved. And it made me wonder why I didnít leave the state instead of just the town.
So on to the next week. My in-laws, who live next door have their grandkids stay one one at a time, one week every summer and the oldest one has become friends with one of our friends boy. So I had invited him to come stay that week so they could be together. That just happened to overlap the week my sister was staying for recovery. So Sunday when I brought my sister home, there was a 14 year old waiting for me too. Good thing heís funny because he was the first person to make me laugh in about a week and a half. Then my sisterís husband and my cousin showed up unannounced and I was already in my pajamas and we had just got the dogs settled down. People just showing up is a pet peeve of mine anyway, so after such stressful days it about drove me over the edge. Sunday, Monday and Tuesday were busy but at least I had my husband home to help and listen. However, I knew that wasnít going to last either. He had made plans to go on a motorcycle trip to S Carolina. He was suppose to leave Friday, but that turned into Thursday and Wednesday when I got home, he was packing. My husband packs the day or morning of, so I knew something was up. Sure enough, they had changed their minds again and were now leaving Wednesday evening and werenít going to be back until Tuesday. Just before all that I found out that my mother-in-law had to work and then had some doctor apt. Thursday and Friday, so I only worked half days those days to help out. That makes a recovering adult, two 14 year old boys and a new puppy (7 months old) in my house for about three days straight and with no help. Oh, yea, and a co-worker was taking time off too, so I had twice the amount of work to do in half the amount of time. All I can say about Wednesday through Sunday was it very touch and go. One minute I was fine and the next minute the littlest thing would send me overboard. And that was on my medication, so praise God I remembered to take it that whole time.
By Saturday / Sunday I was starting to adjust mentally and gather my thoughts again and make a plan to get caught up on all the things I had gotten behind on. So I had a plan and I was feeling better. Monday I would go to work, my friend would pick up her son and after work I would take my sister home. Then I would clean the house, do laundry and get everything ready for my husband to come home (and we could just relax) on Tuesday. But again my Ďplaní was thrown out the window by someone elseís plans, or lack of plans. I got a text from my husband that he was coming home Monday. So much for the house being clean when he got back. Then he actually got home on Sunday in the middle of the night and woke me to say he was home. I was Ďscaredí out of a dead sleep. Not good! Monday my friend came and got her son, my husband took my sister home before I got home and I finally got to clean.
That starts the third week of crazy. I had hoped that the third week would be busy, but not a stressful busy. NOPE! Monday I cleaned, Tuesday I had a hair apt., Wednesday I went school shopping with my niece and nephews and then to calling hours for someone in Johnís family, who I had never met and his dad insisted I be there. Thursday was two more trips to a town 40 minutes away and Friday we took the new dog to be spayed. Saturday we were suppose to have a motorcycle event all weekend, but someone had to stay and make sure the dog stayed calm. So I stayed while my husband went to the event and he came home just in time for me to leave for my dad and sisters birthday. And some time this week my husband and I had to discuss whether my brother could live with us or not and what rules we were going to make him abide by while he was here. It turns out he didnít like our rules and decided to go somewhere else anyway. But then my niece asked if she could stay with us instead, so now weíre discussing that. And, finally itís today. Thank God next week doesnít look so bad. I just pray thatís how it really goes.
So on to the evaluation questions:
What events happened this week? Iíd rather not repeat them, you can just refer to whatís above.
Did any of those events stir up strong or even mild emotions? Yes, the strongest emotion came when I had to pick up my nephew and take him home again. And no one had asked or checked with me first, they just assumed I would do it. And that it happened again. The second thing to stir up strong emotions was my brother-in-law and cousin showing up. Partially because my sister and him were supposed to be getting a divorce and I recently found out they were trying to get back together. I was irritated that people just showed up, but even more irritated that it was them.
How do you think those emotions compare and relate to the real situation? If they were not realistic, what value might these feelings offer or what did you learn from all this? I think they were realistic, because itís not right that people expect you to do things and/or plan things for you and donít ask. It is rude, selfish and controlling on their part. I need to work on stopping this from happening in my life. I also think it was rude for people to just show up. Just because someone they cared about was staying there doesnít mean they had the right to just show up unannounced.
How are your Ďhabitsí coming along? Surprisingly well, especially considering the events of the last three weeks. I was able to do well on taking my medicine, sticking to a morning and night routine, journal and study my Bible a little.
Were you able to start a new habit? If so, how do you feel about it, was it the right time to start, too soon and were you ready for it? Not really. I was mostly just trying to continue habits already established and not blow my top completely. All things considering I think I did fairly well.
Were you able to maintain habits you had already established? Well, it was more like getting back on track with habits I had established before and let slide.
What do you think made it a success or a failure? Using more tools on Spark (nutrition, fitness and BP tracking,) taking time for myself at any moment I could and I keept reminding myself that all this wasnít going to last forever.
Did you binge or emotionally eat? Oh, yea! In fact, I didnít even really track it except in my nutrition tracker, but I did journal regularly, so that helped. My binge / emotional foods were; ice cream, ice cream sandwiches, little cheesecakes, pizza, potato chips, fast food, popcorn and just about anything I could get my hands on.
What did you learn from all this?
Be more careful with planning things and making sure I look at the calendar before committing to anything.
Learn to be more aware of and catch the things my family Ďpullsí so I donít get trapped by their stunts. For example, In these situations, I should have asked how my nephew was getting home before I took him in the first place and I should have told his dad at the hospital right away that when he left, he needed to take him home with him.
I guess what it all boils down to is that these weeks were crazy, but I made through with fairly great progress.
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