Sunday, July 06, 2014
let's start with a little history.
My father and mother divorced when I was 2, and mom raised me from there alone. My father was never around, ddin''t pay child support, ect ect.
When I was 16, he tracked me down. He was around for less than a year, then went poof again. When I was 19, I tracked HIM down. I wanted to get to know him. In retrospect, I'm not sure that was a good idea.
We've had a stormy relationship ever since. Lots of broken promises, lots of misunderstandings, ect. He lived in Louisiana. When Nate was born, my father said he was moving to IL PERMANENTLY. After more dissagreements and some time spent with us and Nate, he decided to move back to Louisiana, claiming that I had heard him wrong and this had always been the plan. ( I didn't hear him wrong) Come summer, he came back. Again, for "good". Sure. I'll believe that at Christmas if he's still here.
We have a family friend who's roughly my mom's age that we call Grandpa Dirt, around Nathan. His name is Harry, and he loves Dirty Harry, hence Grandpa Dirt. :)
Chris, Nate and I were over there with my mom, Harry, and Mimi for the 4th. Mom posted on fb a picture of Nate and Harry captioned "Nate playing Firetruck with Grandpa Dirt"
My father went ballistic. Saying Nathan only has 2 grandfathers, it's disrespectful, ect. Mind you, Nathan has 6 "aunts" and 3 "Uncles" who are close family friends. So this is not an unusual phenomenon in my family and my father knows this.
Furthermore, both my mother and I have posted about Grandpa Dirt with Nathan before, with no reaction from my father whatsoever.
What I'm really stressed and upset about is that mmy father threatened Harry, saying he shouldn't have allowed himeself to be referred to that way, ect and since he did "his ass is mine" according to my father, and "Harry better watch his back" and since we (Chris and I) were younger, he was cutting us some slack. Scary stuff!
All this over a picture. My father has a history of getting fired for getting in fist fights. It's why he was discharged from the Army.
I'm REALLY hoping that all this was something said out of anger, and he didn't mean it, but until further notice, he is not allowed near my family. If something else happens. I will file for a restraining order. I'm scared that it's not just an idle threat.
Friday, July 04, 2014
I'm trying to eat to hunger today. I'm tracking as I go, and I have dinner included cause it will be alot od food. This is all great, and healthy. However, I'm at my mom's. As you may recall, her idea of healthy is 1 meal a day, possibly 2. So by this point, having gotten up at 6 or 7, I've had a snack, breakfast, lunch and another snack. When I went in for my last snack, she was all "oh my. God, all you do is eat. Are you really that hungry? ?""
Yes. Yes I was. But all I could think was how all she saw was her fat daughter who would never be skinny. Sighs. I'm not aiming for skinny, but it would be nice if she would stop. Every time I'm here its something. I'm so tired of it. It hurts, even when I try to ignore it. To her it's this flip, disbelieving statment. To me, it really hurts.
Tuesday, July 01, 2014
First of all, THANK you everyone, for your support. It was appreciated. It helped me pick myself up and dust myself off.
I did my measurements since my last blog. The results were not pretty. I'm up in all areas except 2 - my upper arm (down by .5!) and my belly (down by .5 also!) Making progress on my belly makes me VERY happy. That's always been a trouble spot for me. So I'm pleased with that.
Ok, things have changed alot in the last 2 months. We moved. We've been unpacking. We've gone from a household of 3 to a household of 7. All of whom cook. All of whom at any given moment will decide to be nice and make food for the rest of us. Or, like tonight, bring home food.
Noone but me and my husband eat (and of course Nathan, by extension) eat very well. I can't even get them to eat wheat bread or brown rice. There is ALOT more processed food in the house than there was in the apartment. And it's easier. I've been more lax than I think I've been willing to admit. While my calories are in ranges (or under) almost all the time, and I've been getting alot of exercise, I've been eating a lot more junk. And soda. I've drunk more of my calories. (though I have been changing that! Day 2 of a water streak! :D)
So ok, time to refocus. I'm NOT giving up on my health, It's too important for that. I WILL get this right! I will find the right balance for myself, and I will get myself healthy.
My activity level has been great, but I'm not working up a sweat too often (except when it's hot!) so I need to change that. Tomorrow is a Tuesday, so that's a st day. I have a machine I can use literally 1 bedroom over. So I SO don't have an excuse. That will be one of the first things I do in the morning.
I have been starting to portion things out again, so that's a good start. I am going to continue building on that. Portion control will really help. I have been estimating alot of my portions, but I have been portioning out snacks. I've been using half full cups (since all our glasses are 2+ cups) of everything but water.
And I'm going to stay away from the junk! I did the first year or so of Spark in this house, I can do it again. I'm going to recruit my husband again, as he's been complaining about gaining weight too, and we are going to tackle this together. We CAN DO THIS!
Tomorrow's a new day, a new month. A month that I WILL succeed in!!!!
Monday, June 30, 2014
I'm so pissed. The scale is up AGAIN! I've been on this site for 3 years, and I was loosing, and now it's coming all back. I'm up to 226. AGAIN! I'm busting my ass, working out regularly - I've got over 1500 fitness minutes this month alone, I'm trying to eat well, and get my water and freggies in, and it's not working. I was down to 198 after my son was born - I LOST weight during my pregnancy. In the 14 mo since he was born, I've gained what, 30 lbs? Why the heck am I even here if all I'm going to do is gain?
If I were eating nothing but junk, and constantly being over calories, I'd get it. But I'm NOT! I don't know what else to do. I'm so tired of this. I guess I'm just going to be a fat blob forever.
Saturday, June 28, 2014
I did one of Sparks workout plans today. Or more specifically, about half of it. I got through the lower half of a full body one, and I was worn out, and hurting just a little. I aggravated an old injury just a hair. So I swapped the 3 new upper body moves for 1 that I was familiar with, and called it done.
I'm proud of myself! It's almost dinner time and I've got 88 calories before I hit my low end, I've gotten 9 (!) glasses of water in today! I've eaten well today. Most of what I've had today is healthy, with a decent amount of fruit and veggies. I just tracked what we'll have, and I'm good for the day! Yea! :)
I've also noticed that I need to go back AFTER I eat and make sure the things I ate are acurately listed. For example - I tracked 1 oz of cashews, then ate. I ate half of them. Then I had to go back and fix it.
I measured the juice I had, in one of the smallest cups we own, and even that is 2 cups! So I checked our teacups, which ARE the smallest, and even THOSE are more than 8 oz! No wonder we have no idea how much we consume!
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