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BEAUTY_WITHIN's Recent Blog Entries

Stressed and Scared.

Sunday, July 06, 2014

let's start with a little history.

My father and mother divorced when I was 2, and mom raised me from there alone. My father was never around, ddin''t pay child support, ect ect.

When I was 16, he tracked me down. He was around for less than a year, then went poof again. When I was 19, I tracked HIM down. I wanted to get to know him. In retrospect, I'm not sure that was a good idea.

We've had a stormy relationship ever since. Lots of broken promises, lots of misunderstandings, ect. He lived in Louisiana. When Nate was born, my father said he was moving to IL PERMANENTLY. After more dissagreements and some time spent with us and Nate, he decided to move back to Louisiana, claiming that I had heard him wrong and this had always been the plan. ( I didn't hear him wrong) Come summer, he came back. Again, for "good". Sure. I'll believe that at Christmas if he's still here.

We have a family friend who's roughly my mom's age that we call Grandpa Dirt, around Nathan. His name is Harry, and he loves Dirty Harry, hence Grandpa Dirt. :)

Chris, Nate and I were over there with my mom, Harry, and Mimi for the 4th. Mom posted on fb a picture of Nate and Harry captioned "Nate playing Firetruck with Grandpa Dirt"

My father went ballistic. Saying Nathan only has 2 grandfathers, it's disrespectful, ect. Mind you, Nathan has 6 "aunts" and 3 "Uncles" who are close family friends. So this is not an unusual phenomenon in my family and my father knows this.

Furthermore, both my mother and I have posted about Grandpa Dirt with Nathan before, with no reaction from my father whatsoever.

What I'm really stressed and upset about is that mmy father threatened Harry, saying he shouldn't have allowed himeself to be referred to that way, ect and since he did "his ass is mine" according to my father, and "Harry better watch his back" and since we (Chris and I) were younger, he was cutting us some slack. Scary stuff!

All this over a picture. My father has a history of getting fired for getting in fist fights. It's why he was discharged from the Army.

I'm REALLY hoping that all this was something said out of anger, and he didn't mean it, but until further notice, he is not allowed near my family. If something else happens. I will file for a restraining order. I'm scared that it's not just an idle threat.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NILLAPEPSI 7/9/2014 8:27AM

    Best to be cautious since you don't know him all that well. It's certainly none of his business what you call the people in your life. I think I'd block him from my FB & have your family members also block him.

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HOT_MAMA_13 7/6/2014 11:34PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KOFFEENUT 7/6/2014 8:56PM

    Just because we've grown into adults - even parents - doesn't mean we've matured to the point where we make good choices. You're wise to be aware of the poor choices made in the past and do what you can to prevent your family from being impacted going forward.

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BIGPAWSUP 7/6/2014 8:40PM

    Best of luck. Sorry you have to go through this.

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HARMONY1210 7/6/2014 5:30PM

    Oh dear, you poor thing. I really feel for you. The last thing you expect from your parents is that kind of behaviour! I hope that the situation improves soon and that you are able to get back to normal life again. You can always let out your feelings on your spark page and there are people to listen to you.

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BONNIEMARGAY 7/6/2014 1:58PM

    May we find freedom from toxicity.

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forever the fat girl?

Friday, July 04, 2014

I'm trying to eat to hunger today. I'm tracking as I go, and I have dinner included cause it will be alot od food. This is all great, and healthy. However, I'm at my mom's. As you may recall, her idea of healthy is 1 meal a day, possibly 2. So by this point, having gotten up at 6 or 7, I've had a snack, breakfast, lunch and another snack. When I went in for my last snack, she was all "oh my. God, all you do is eat. Are you really that hungry? ?""
Yes. Yes I was. But all I could think was how all she saw was her fat daughter who would never be skinny. Sighs. I'm not aiming for skinny, but it would be nice if she would stop. Every time I'm here its something. I'm so tired of it. It hurts, even when I try to ignore it. To her it's this flip, disbelieving statment. To me, it really hurts.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GLORIAMAJDI 7/5/2014 12:43AM

    Oh, I am so sorry, that does hurt, yes! My mom thinks a meal or two a day is good and she is not healthy at all and is very overweight. When I visit her she doesn't understand why I eat several times a day. She is on my dad's case all day long about his eating too much too often. She doesn't get it. Neither does your mom. But you are doing the healthy thing and your self worth needn't be dependent on your mom's acceptance or approval. Keep doing what you are doing - we are here for you!

emoticon emoticon

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ONEKIDSMOM 7/4/2014 6:04PM

    emoticon Be strong, my friend. Relationships with moms and surrounding weight / dietary differences can be downright complicated, as well as painful. Never felt my mom could appreciate my own efforts but eventually I forgave her for being human herself... and allowed myself to be free to be my own kind of human.

Good luck! And I'm rooting for you!

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BONNIEMARGAY 7/4/2014 4:32PM

    May we find freedom from shaming.

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JAMBABY0 7/4/2014 3:21PM

    parents can be harsh, this I know but try and remember she loves you, and you might want to share with her that to lose weight in a healthy way she should really be eating at least 3 healthy meals a day and I would be lost without my two snacks a day

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Ok, time to put on my big girl pants

Tuesday, July 01, 2014

First of all, THANK you everyone, for your support. It was appreciated. It helped me pick myself up and dust myself off. emoticon

I did my measurements since my last blog. The results were not pretty. emoticon I'm up in all areas except 2 - my upper arm (down by .5!) and my belly (down by .5 also!) Making progress on my belly makes me VERY happy. That's always been a trouble spot for me. So I'm pleased with that.
Ok, things have changed alot in the last 2 months. We moved. We've been unpacking. We've gone from a household of 3 to a household of 7. All of whom cook. All of whom at any given moment will decide to be nice and make food for the rest of us. Or, like tonight, bring home food.
Noone but me and my husband eat (and of course Nathan, by extension) eat very well. I can't even get them to eat wheat bread or brown rice. There is ALOT more processed food in the house than there was in the apartment. And it's easier. I've been more lax than I think I've been willing to admit. While my calories are in ranges (or under) almost all the time, and I've been getting alot of exercise, I've been eating a lot more junk. And soda. I've drunk more of my calories. (though I have been changing that! Day 2 of a water streak! :D) emoticon
So ok, time to refocus. I'm NOT giving up on my health, It's too important for that. I WILL get this right! I will find the right balance for myself, and I will get myself healthy.

My activity level has been great, but I'm not working up a sweat too often (except when it's hot!) so I need to change that. Tomorrow is a Tuesday, so that's a st day. I have a machine I can use literally 1 bedroom over. So I SO don't have an excuse. That will be one of the first things I do in the morning.

I have been starting to portion things out again, so that's a good start. I am going to continue building on that. Portion control will really help. I have been estimating alot of my portions, but I have been portioning out snacks. I've been using half full cups (since all our glasses are 2+ cups) of everything but water.

And I'm going to stay away from the junk! I did the first year or so of Spark in this house, I can do it again. emoticon I'm going to recruit my husband again, as he's been complaining about gaining weight too, and we are going to tackle this together. We CAN DO THIS!

Tomorrow's a new day, a new month. A month that I WILL succeed in!!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MICHELLE_391 7/3/2014 2:10PM

    I'm right there with you!

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GLORIAMAJDI 7/2/2014 9:56AM

    Good job on focusing on the issues, and wonderful on your water streak - keep it up!

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BONNIEMARGAY 7/1/2014 4:51PM

    I am so excited for you! You can TOTALLY do this!

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BIGPAWSUP 7/1/2014 3:37PM

    You got this!

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CETANISTAWI 7/1/2014 3:15PM


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GARDENCHRIS 7/1/2014 7:25AM

    emoticon emoticon

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4ASMALLERME 7/1/2014 1:30AM

    emoticon Sounds like you've got some good solutions to problem areas! Good luck!

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HMBROWN1 7/1/2014 12:52AM

    Best wishes! It is always a challenge if there is "bad" food in the house. Sounds like you are up to the challenge.
Have a great day!

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pissed and debating giving up on this

Monday, June 30, 2014

I'm so pissed. The scale is up AGAIN! I've been on this site for 3 years, and I was loosing, and now it's coming all back. I'm up to 226. AGAIN! I'm busting my ass, working out regularly - I've got over 1500 fitness minutes this month alone, I'm trying to eat well, and get my water and freggies in, and it's not working. I was down to 198 after my son was born - I LOST weight during my pregnancy. In the 14 mo since he was born, I've gained what, 30 lbs? Why the heck am I even here if all I'm going to do is gain?
If I were eating nothing but junk, and constantly being over calories, I'd get it. But I'm NOT! I don't know what else to do. I'm so tired of this. I guess I'm just going to be a fat blob forever.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HOT_MAMA_13 6/30/2014 8:11PM

    Take a breath sis. I'm up too. The 20 I once lost while here is back with a few extra friends. I know how you feel.

I agree with AMCAN262 and BONNIEMARGAY - don't give up and remember that taking care of yourself - regardless of results - does show your son how to take care of himself too, it will show him that sometimes things worth having take work and time and patience.

You *have* done it once and I fully believe in you that you can do it again. The human body is a fickle thing - you've been under a lot of stress since your son was born - stress does very funky things to the body. You said that most days you're on the low end of your calorie intake right? Your body could be thinking it's starving therefore it holds on to everything it gets trying to protect itself. Sounds crazy, but it's possible.

Have you had your thyroid checked at all? Perhaps that is causing some issues as well. Don't be afraid to ask your doctor for a full work up to check all of your levels - there might be something underlying that's been previously missed that could be making all the difference.

Hang in there sis. Take a break if you need to, but please don't disappear like I did. Trust me, that only makes things worse :-(

Love You Sis!!

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AMCAN262 6/30/2014 3:03PM

  Giving up is easy, pushing forward takes effort. Don't give up emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MAMABEAR372 6/30/2014 2:54PM

    could you be putting on muscle? It weighs more than fat. Or holding water? Before you give up, please stop, take a deep breath and make an inventory of you and what you do. And if you are doing everything right, maybe there is an underlying cause that you can't control that maybe a doctor can help you with.

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BIGPAWSUP 6/30/2014 2:52PM

    Maybe you are too low on calories or building muscle. You can't give up on yourself.

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BONNIEMARGAY 6/30/2014 2:27PM

    The numbers are just numbers. Remember why you are here: your health and happiness are the most amazing gifts you can give yourself, your child, and your family. Wishing you relief from discouragement.

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CAROL494 6/30/2014 2:25PM

  Just hang in there. Try to add more fruits and vegetables and give up processed food. emoticon

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MIPALADY23 6/30/2014 2:20PM

    You have to look at how honest your being with yourself. Logging and tracking effort and every bite. IF it is still failing then you need a medical professional.

You can do this. Simple Calories vs. Exercise.

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New Strength training

Saturday, June 28, 2014

I did one of Sparks workout plans today. Or more specifically, about half of it. I got through the lower half of a full body one, and I was worn out, and hurting just a little. I aggravated an old injury just a hair. So I swapped the 3 new upper body moves for 1 that I was familiar with, and called it done.

I'm proud of myself! emoticon It's almost dinner time and I've got 88 calories before I hit my low end, I've gotten 9 (!) glasses of water in today! emoticon I've eaten well today. Most of what I've had today is healthy, with a decent amount of fruit and veggies. I just tracked what we'll have, and I'm good for the day! Yea! :)

I've also noticed that I need to go back AFTER I eat and make sure the things I ate are acurately listed. For example - I tracked 1 oz of cashews, then ate. I ate half of them. Then I had to go back and fix it.

I measured the juice I had, in one of the smallest cups we own, and even that is 2 cups! So I checked our teacups, which ARE the smallest, and even THOSE are more than 8 oz! No wonder we have no idea how much we consume! emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BONNIEMARGAY 6/29/2014 12:26PM


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SHOTOKIDO 6/28/2014 9:46PM

  You are so right about the mismeasurement of our food. Tracking and measuring things has been a real eye opener for me.

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SKIMBRO 6/28/2014 9:31PM

    emoticon emoticon

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BIGPAWSUP 6/28/2014 9:27PM


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