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BEAUTIFULBUDDEE's Recent Blog Entries
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Monday, March 02, 2009
Today was a total blowout, and for the first time in almost 2 months, I'm NOT looking at tomorrow. I don't give a crap about tomorrow. I'm tired. I'm sick. I'm sick AND tired. LOL I'm tired of worrying about what to eat and what not to. I'm tired of being on the treadmill and not getting any kind of positivity out of it. I can count on one hand the number of days I've actually enjoyed walking on that damned thing. Maybe it's just cabin fever or something. Or maybe all this was just another "up" period in my so-called bipolar disorder. I'm not feeling good, I'm not inspired, I just don't give a poo about anything.
I really hate to think that all I've gone through and accomplished the last 2 months was just a bipolar phase. But my mind is coming down now and I don't feel the same at all about anything, really. Not even my awesome Streaks I had going. I didn't exercise today ON PURPOSE because I'm tired of being a slave to Streaks. Isn't that weird?? A total about-face. Makes me wonder if I wasn't just fooling myself all along.
On the other hand, I could just be going into a "down" phase, and when it's over, I'll be back to "normal". heh Well, I guess I can always hope. And pray.
Sunday, March 01, 2009
I'm really tired of being sick. I'm tired of the girls being sick. They're both going to the pediatrician tomorrow, hopefully to break this chain of fevers and throwing up and getting better and getting fevers again and starting all over. And I feel like such crap right now. My stomach feels yucky and when I yawn, my right ear hurts. I've probably had a sinus infection for the past 2 weeks or something, and it's in my ear now. sigh WHY did I think it was gonna be great when Amber was in Kindergarten finally?? All she's done is be sick and come home and make us sick. But hopefully, she's learned a few things here and there between bouts of illness. heh
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Scale read 273. So that's 2 lbs less than the 275 I was before. I knew I hadn't really gained it all back, and I was right! I must've just had a bunch of water weight or something because I'd been eating lots of sodium the weekend before. I dunno. But whatever the reason, it's gone now. And I resolve to get a freaking digital scale to simplify this, because the cheap little mechanical one I got wavers back and forth so bad, and the marks are so small, I have a hard time telling where the needle hits.
I haven't walked yet today, and I really don't want to. By the time 20 minutes rolls around, I'm about ready to fall out from boredom. GAH, how can anybody stand to just WALK?  I think I'd rather beat myself in the head with a baseball bat, except that wouldn't help me lose any weight. heh The one time I hit 40 minutes is when I got the energy afterwards, so maybe it has to do with the fact that I can never get past 30 without wanting to cry. I need some new music. 
Friday, February 27, 2009
I must be on a slight downward spiral, because I've been crabbier lately. Maybe it's just PMS. heh But as I was walking today, I was thinking, "I hate this. I hate the feeling of my heart rate going up. I hate the pain in my hips. I hate how I can't let go of the arm parts or the handles without bobbling all over, probably because of these stupid enormous boobs! I just hate this. I hate the way it feels and I hate the way it doesn't seem to do anything." But you notice I did it anyway. That, in my book, is true success. It's kind of like that saying about courage...courage isn't the lack of fear, but having something you fear and doing it anyway.
I definitely don't think I'm some kind of elitist, but I give myself a couple more points than the people that actually enjoy exercise.  I mean, how much determination does it take to do something you hate, and KEEP doing it, as compared to doing something you enjoy, and keep doing it? Actually, I'm just looking for any positive things to say to myself, to keep my momentum going. It's been 49 days now. FORTY....NINE....DAYS on The Dreadmill. I don't think I've ever been more determined to do anything before in my life! Well, I take that back. When I went to technical school, after flunking out of 4 year college because of Alge-stinkin-bra, I was absolutely determined that I was gonna get it! I was gonna work until my eyes bled if I had to, to get it right and get my degree! The only problem is, my brain didn't cooperate. I tried and tried and tried, and if there's anybody out there that would dare to say to me that I didn't try hard enough, I'd knock them right down on their arse in a heartbeat. THAT'S how hard I tried. I guess my brain just doesn't work algebraicly. LOL But anyway, exercise and algebra are two different things. I CAN do exercise, even though I hate it, and by God, I'm gonna keep doing it until something gives. Which will probably be my sanity.
xo,
BB
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Boy, the last couple days have been BORING! 
The Dreadmill is boring, so I went out looking for grass for the guinea pigs. Found quite a bit of good, fresh stuff, and they were happy. Even found some clover!
Had Subway for supper. URGH. I don't wanna journal it! LOL But I guess I will. Whine, whine, whine. It was soooo good though. And satisfying. Gah. I have to stop this! I do good for a couple days, then kinda go bonkers and have to eat something I WANT, yanno? Hey, I've got an idea! I'll just hire a personal chef, like Oprah! Yeah, that's it! With all my SPARE money, you understand...
xo,
BB
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