Monday, February 21, 2011
When I was at the gym, riding my bike, reading my book, I got a call. It was my sister! We talked for a few minutes, and at one point, she asked where I was. That's when I realized that I could not possibly have been working out hard enough, because I didn't sound the least bit winded. This is my normal bike workout--I like to read while I'm working out. But in the future, I need to work much harder on the bike, even if it hurts my reading and comprehension. Probably I should stick to the elliptical, it's easier to get a workout while I read.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
I think I've said this in my main SparkPage: I've been "working on" quitting smoking for about seven years.
One of my more recent "work on"s was with a therapist. I wish I could say "addiction specialist," but not only did I really dislike the guy, it turned out when I looked him up on my insurance website, he was NOT an addiction specialist, even though he said he could help me (I called his practice because the director of the practice had addictions listed).
But I digress.
Anyway, while I was talking to the guy, he kept trying to convince me there was still something in smoking I liked or found cool to which I was clinging, which I am definitely NOT. I really, really dislike smoking, but I'm really, really addicted to it, and that's my problem.
But I think there is something in QUITTING smoking that I like. Maybe not quite, but that, after seven years of being in this weird limbo, that it's become a part of my identity. I'm not an ex-smoker, a former smoker, or even a real smoker anymore. I'm just a smoker who's trying to quit. And that's something with which I identify. And that's what's got to change.
So there's that.
Then, this week, something really awful and tragic happened to someone I really care about. I went to be with him, and he was really hung up on what had happened, and he was overcome with guilt. I sat with him, and I talked to him and tried to make him understand that we can't live in the past, even if it was just yesterday, that we can only look forward. Later, I heard from someone geographically closer that he was beginning to forgive himself.
After I left him, I realized that I need to understand that, too. What's past is past. I can't change the last seven years. I can only look forward, and I don't have to identify myself as anybody from before. I can shake it away and start right now. And that's what I will do.
Thank you, kiddo.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
So for 5% Challenge, we get a 10-point bonus for doing a blog that says the following:
Your expectations (3), goals (3), and your reasons for changing your life!
So, here I go. I had the pre-Challenge assignment, but it wasn't in this format, so I want to do it this way, too.
Expectations. This one's weird. Expectations for myself? Or the Challenge? Or my Team? I dunno. I'll do for myself. It's the one thing over which I have control:
1. NO SMOKING! No matter what. Not an option. Period.
2. Pull my weight on the team with regard to exercise. This week, it's 191 minutes.
3. Stay within my calorie range recommended by Spark.
1. Get two months smoke-free under my belt during the Challenge.
2. Lose 5% of my weight.
3. Build a consistent fitness program.
4. Learn to stay within my calorie range everyday.
Reasons for Changing My Life:
1. Living longer
2. Being cuter
3. Feeling better about myself
4. Moving forward and becoming someone who does new things and learns more
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Meal planning. It's driving me insane.
I don't really know what to do. For 5% Challenge, I had decided I was going to use Spark meal plans, but then, when I tried to organize them, I realized they kind of blow. I'm sure they're good for some people, but some of it was weird. Like, applesauce at dinner, and drinking glasses of milk like I'm five. Plus, I figured with two grown men, one of whom is 23 and appears to have a hollow leg, living in my house, I'd need to quintuple the amounts for the grocery list, causing the grocery list to have ridiculous things like "80 stalks of celery."
So I figured I would see what the calorie ranges, carbs, fat, protein, fiber and sodium were, and then I'd prepare around that. And that was HARD. I found about 25 good recipes in SparkRecipes, then I tried to maneuver them around, so I could have the grocery list. I got through breakfast and lunch of one day, and then the tedium set in. And I couldn't imagine planning anymore.
At this point, it was 4pm. And I'd been at this almost nonstop since 9am.
How did I waste an entire Saturday? And what am I going to do?
Add to this that I am a good grocery shopper--coupons, shopping around circulars, saving boatloads of money, and my head started to spin. It's completely overwhelming, and it makes me hate grocery shopping. A year ago, it was my hobby, and before today, I was already feeling grocery fatigued. Now, I've almost developed a phobia.
So what the hell am I going to eat for the next nine weeks? How am I going to plan it? Now I understand the draw to those meal plans where they deliver the meals daily to your house, but the shopping ninja in me cannot conceive of spending that kind of money.
If anyone can toss me an insights, tips, and a rope, I'd really appreciate it, because I feel like I'm right back to where I was this morning, with not even a change in attitude towards food. At this rate, I'm going to be overeating for this challenge just like I did for the last one.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
What do you want to change? Well, that's purely vanity. I want to change my shape, and be cute again. I used to be super-cute, and you know what? When I was super-cute, I didn't even realize it.
How do you want to look? Mostly thinner, but I'd also like to have toned arms. I'd like to be able to show my belly button ring off. I love it just for me, but I don't think I've bared my midriff in at least five years.
How do you want to feel? Cute. On par with all the pretty girls at work. There are so many gorgeous girls at my office! I feel like I'm working at a beauty pageant. I could never wear as much makeup as the "pretty girls" do, but I'd take having a figure closer to one of theirs.
What things will you be able to do in the future with a slimmer healthier body? Bare my midriff (see above), take a good photo, go to my high school reunion this year and be a bit close to how I was in high school, at least so I won't feel like people are talking. You know, it's odd, though. In high school, I was super-cute (see above), but no one paid much mind to me in that regard. But I'd still be nervous they'd think, geez, look at all the weight BeatleTot gained...and in a bad way, I want to have the schadenfreude for myself. I feel a little guilty saying that. But I can't be the only one--especially at a high school reunion! And, as Karl Marx said, "There is something in the misfortune of even our closest friends which does not displease us."
Okay, and this is going to sound crazy, but here it is. When I'm at my goal weight, I want to go on a pizza diet. Seriously. It started when I was talking to my exchange student, and I made the comment that I thought it was impossible to get sick of pizza. And once it fell out of mouth, I decided that I would like to take it as a personal challenge. I will eat nothing but pizza for as long as possible, and then see how long it takes to get sick of it. It does sound crazy. But if I get to my goal weight, I will have the tools (portion control, discipline in working out, etc.) to be able to control my weight even if I do the pizza diet. Now, I am very excited about this, not gonna lie. But I can wait till I'm there.
I recognize the dangers. Too much fat, spiralling out of control, and most seriously, the possibility that by the time I'm done, I may not want pizza again for the rest of my life, like an ex-McDonald's employee with Big Macs. But that's a risk I'm willing to take. So there you go.
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