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Out of the Funk

Sunday, January 02, 2011

I guess I am not totally out of the funk...Maybe I am. I had a good day today. And the sun set at 4:59 today, which means tomorrow, it will set at 5. Maybe even 5:01.

I went to the gym. I ate within my calorie range. We cooked up food so it wouldn't go bad, and it didn't. My sister, who's having a hard time, called tonight and sounded okay. I drank enough water. I'm ready to go to the gym tomorrow. Right now, I'm sort of watching "Grown Ups," but it's a little boring, so I'm typing this blog, too.

Oh, and good news that I guess I hadn't talked about. Sammy's fine. Completely fine. If you can believe that. I took him to the specialist, and they said he doesn't have the disease the other doctor said he had. They found a tumor in his abdomen, and two days later, I had it removed, and it turned out benign. Unbelievably, though, the stupid doctor that gave him the wrong diagnosis, and a very high dose of very powerful medication called and offered me an ESTIMATE on the surgery. Like, I'd use anything other than a board-certified surgeon. And he almost killed Sammy twice. I wasn't going to let him cut him open so he could finish the job.

And since he's fine, I plan to save money to take him to an ophthmologist later this year. If he were going to die soon, it doesn't make any sense, but since he's totally fine, it may be worth it. Probably they can't do anything, but just in case.

He's not eating lately, but I think he's being bratty. He'll eat if I put green beans, hot dogs, ham, and Pupperoni in with his food, but otherwise...

So everything's going to be okay. And today was good. Maybe now I'm just tired, and that's why I'm afraid to say with confidence that I'm out of my funk.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SASSACAIA 1/3/2011 10:03PM

    Oh, I'm so glad to hear about Sammy!! That is wonderful news!!

Keep up the good work! And stay away from those chips! They are my downfall as well!

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SEATTLESIMS 1/3/2011 5:03PM

    That is great news that Sammy is fine and problem already addressed! Now, keep looking forward to the days getting longer! I know I am!! Have a nice afternoon and say goodbye to that funk!

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EYES_ON_THEPRAZ 1/2/2011 11:57PM

    Wonderful to hear!! About your dog and your coming out of the funk! Now hopefully your good vibes will transfer over to me! emoticon

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RUTHXG 1/2/2011 10:37PM

    emoticon Sammy's fine!!! emoticon

And you are exercising & eating as you should, & you're still off the smokes, right?


See, we can be excited for you even when you're feeling a little tired. Thanks for sharing the good news! Happy new year!

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Heart Hurt

Tuesday, December 07, 2010

I felt kind of the same way today as I did yesterday, with two big differences. One, I felt really depressed, not just tired and down, but really, really sad about Sammy. Two, I didn't drag my butt to the gym. I went to the pet store to find a warming blanket for Sammy, but they only have them online, so I need to buy one tonight. I just want him to be comfortable. I feel like I have this dull ache inside, and everytime I think of it, it expands and gets stronger.

But I will go tomorrow, and I'll make up for it on Saturday. Pinky swear. On my way home, I heard on the radio that Tuesday is the worst day of the week for people. According to some study in London that had 22,000 participants. And I think that's probably right. I'd have to go through and look at my exercise minutes by day to see if that's really true, but it sounds right to me.

So, sorry Starfish. But we're doing BANGIN', anyway. I can't believe how many minutes we've gotten in the last 24 hours.

I don't want to wake Sammy to give him his medicine. I know I have to, but I hate it. Maybe my husband will do it...he likes to see Sammy's sleepy face.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KRISTA64 12/8/2010 6:59AM

    from one animal lover to another I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers...remember to take care of yourself!

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RUTHXG 12/7/2010 11:30PM

    Today has been really hard for me too--& I don't have a sick animal friend, & I did exercise this morning. It's the dang weather, & the alleys & sidewalk segments that are treacherously coated with ice, & the lack of light.

Be good to yourself--get the exercise you need to help stabilize your feelings (not a cure-all, but it does help a lot!). I am praying peace for you & comfort & health for Sammy.

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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DESERTNATIVE1 12/7/2010 11:17PM

    I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. I was in your shoes last year about this time with my "baby" - Casper. You need to fight to take care of yourself, too!! Hang in there. Thoughts and prayers are with you. Us other Starfish can pick up the slack until you are ready -- but don't take too long!! We do need you!!!

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EYES_ON_THEPRAZ 12/7/2010 11:07PM

    emoticon Must be so tough to go through what you are right now.

emoticon emoticon

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A'ight, I went.

Monday, December 06, 2010

I don't know why, but I did go to the gym. Maybe it was because there was nothing on TV. Maybe it was because my book was still in the car. Maybe it was because my emoticon friends are counting on me to get them over the Pacific Ocean. We're not quite yet to Honolulu (4,834 miles). And it was fine, and it felt GOOD to do what I should. And when I got home, I wasn't hungry. So I didn't eat dinner. I sat with my husband and my exchange students, but I didn't eat.

And I s'pose I'll go tomorrow. The book I'm reading on the bike is pretty good.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LJOHN44 12/7/2010 5:00PM

    I probably shouldn't say this as I'm a member of an opposing team but emoticon for you! I can't tell you how frustrating it is when I work my butt off at the gym and then see my teammates log 5 glasses of water and 0 exercise. It's enough to send me to the pantry to devour a bag of cookies. So - thank you for taking the challenge seriously- Your fellow Starfish are lucky to have you!

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SEATTLESIMS 12/7/2010 4:33PM

    way to go Starfish!!
Glad it felt good! Hope to hear you did the same tonight!
Enjoy that book!!

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EYES_ON_THEPRAZ 12/7/2010 4:13PM

    Well I'm glad you ate something! And that sounds like an OK dinner to me, so who cares if it was technically "snack". Great job!

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VOLLEYTHATBA 12/7/2010 2:40PM

    Nice! Go emoticon

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BEATLETOT 12/7/2010 2:30PM

    Oh, I guess I should have mentioned the crazy-huge snack I had while I was sitting on the couch looking for a TV program. It was basically dinner, but without the family. I had a burrito on a WW tortilla with brown rice, beans, cheese and hot sauce, then, for added measure, I had celery with peanut butter. Something crazy like over 600 calories. So if I'd eaten "dinner," I'd've gone over.

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EYES_ON_THEPRAZ 12/7/2010 12:45PM

    emoticon emoticon
Next time, eat a little something though!

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RUTHXG 12/7/2010 12:10PM

    Yay! emoticon

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 12/7/2010 9:05AM

    emoticon Keep it up fellow emoticon

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YANDI4LIFE 12/7/2010 12:26AM

    emoticon and from one emoticon to another- emoticon

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L*I*T*A* 12/6/2010 11:20PM


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SWEETNSKINNY 12/6/2010 11:12PM


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JMCADE 12/6/2010 10:58PM

    Atta girl great job. We're all in this together. But remember you need to eat the normal meals. Wasn't surre you just didn't eat or didn't eat junk. Be sure you get the necessary nutrients.
Go Starfish!!

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SASSACAIA 12/6/2010 10:08PM

    Way to take one for the team! Ha! What are you reading??

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LOLA_98CHIC 12/6/2010 9:47PM

    If we can eat out of boredom, why not go to the gym out of boredom? emoticon

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DOLE10 12/6/2010 9:22PM


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Rough Start

Monday, December 06, 2010

Today was the first day I was committed to going to the gym. And I didn't go. I was excited until I was sitting in traffic. And it was dark. And it is COLD outside. I get out of work at 4pm, and if I don't leave straightaway, I get stuck in bad traffic. But I feel kind of down. Tired. Down. Losery.

And jonesy. I wanted to smoke quite a bit today, too. I can think of three instances that were quite bad. Once, in front of a fax machine. Once, while chatting with my colleague. Once, in the car in traffic. Once, too, when I took Sammy out, but then I thought, "Yeah, sure, go buy some smokes. You can stand out here in the COLD and smoke them." Ugh.

How do I get myself there? I'll do a little strength training here at home so I don't feel like a total loser. But trying to get myself into the gym like this. I guess it's just a tiny mind shift. Either I keep going down the road to the gym, or I don't. Either I go, or I make an excuse. Either the excuse doesn't work, or it does. And perhaps that's all there is to it. It's like, I don't do much different between times I quit smoking, and sometimes I go longer than other times. But, still. This isn't a great feeling.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EYES_ON_THEPRAZ 12/6/2010 7:50PM

    It really is so hard to get in workouts after work these days... I know your pain! With daylight savings being over, I really have to push myself to do something in the evening.

If you can't make it to the gym, try popping in a dvd and getting in a little cardio. Or, on days when I can't get in a full run/swim/workout, I make myself take a brisk walk after dinner with my boyfriend.

emoticon emoticon

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RUTHXG 12/6/2010 5:58PM

    Yes! It's hard to add something to the schedule at this time of year with such terrible cold & the fleeting light.

Over time, I have gathered a few inexpensive fitness videos that don't require much equipment, plus there are the many many SP short workout videos. Which allows me to pick & choose at home. Recently I have combined two different videos, with the more strenuous one first! It helps to have a few different options.

You'll figure out what works best for you.


Comment edited on: 12/7/2010 12:09:30 PM

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LONDONANNA 12/6/2010 5:58PM

    We all make excuses not to do exercise. I'm very good at not going out running but when I book an exercise class I always turn up because I have paid and committed. Most gyms offer classes at little or no extra cost, maybe that would be a good option? Also if you make friends there, that's an added reason to go.

Good luck finding the motivation!

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Going Around Without My Shield

Saturday, December 04, 2010

So I'm back off the smokes. I started today because it was the first day of the 5% challenge. I had been off them no more than three or four days ago, but I bought a pack right after my appointment with my addiction specialist. Can you believe that?

Anyway, after having been through this addiction and recovery so often and so long, I've developed quite the philosophy on it. My latest addition to the philosophy came from Susan Shapiro's Lighting Up
, and showed me how cigarettes are my shield, what I use to suck my emotions down. So for the last few attempts I've made in the last two months, I used this philosophy. When I want to smoke, I determine what it is that I'm actually feeling. Of course, the first few days, sometimes what I'm feeling is a physical crave, but honestly, some of the insights I've come up with with this philosophy have been very important to me.

I feel like I should tell you why it took more than one try in this case with this new, powerful philosophy. I made a cognitive, intellectual decision to smoke. When my dog was diagnosed with Cushing's, I was devastated. And I thought, "I don't WANT to feel my feelings. I want to suck them down." So I did for a couple weeks, then I began the quit again. And this time, it will be successful, I believe.

Anyway, so today, my husband and I went to Subway, and then we were meant to go pick up a dog for adoption. I've been upset, because I want to take my dog to a specialist, and my husband said it was too expensive. It was my idea to get the second dog, my husband got to make all the decisions about which dog, etc. When we were at Subway, they got my bread wrong, so they took a new bread and just dumped my sandwich into the bread. I started freaking out, and then we got in the car, where my husband began to pick at me. I started screaming. It was very bad. So I went to my room with my dog, and I laid there and I cried and I examined. Because, seriously, I wasn't that upset about the sandwich. It's a sandwich. Then, it came to me.

I'm upset because I'm fat and my dog is dying.

And I tried to be good at Subway, and then the lady disrepected my sandwich. And I don't want a new dog. I want to spend the money you have to spend on shots, toys, food, furniture, etc. for a new dog on a specialist for my dog.

How come I don't have this ability to figure out my feelings without serious self-examination? I don't understand. Is it because of the smoking? Will I get quicker at this?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CZARINA_TV 12/6/2010 9:46AM

    That seems like a pretty quick turnaround to me! You knew something was wrong, you went and cooled off and then you figured out the underlying reason. It took what, an hour or two, tops? It's not like you're some enlightened being who knows as soon as you see someone disrespecting your sandwich that you're going to be extra upset over this turn of events because your dog is dying. We don't run around with health meters like some character in a video game. Figuring it out when you're calm is how this works. Some people get so worked up that it's hard to calm them down or they don't even recognize that crisis A is caused by X because they have B, S, G, J, W and Z getting in the way. I can tell you that I get cranky when my blood sugar drops, but there have only been a handful of times in my life when I've realized that I'm cranky because my blood sugar is dropping.

Keep at it!

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AMYMOHIO 12/5/2010 1:58PM

    I'm really sorry to hear about your dog.

I hope it does get easier to figure out feelings, because I'm still working on mine.. why I was holding onto the weight... I believe we will figure it out, though. The big stuff anyway, and the smaller stuff has to get easier. Good to have another animal lover on the starfish team.


HA! I just figure out there are tabs on the emoticons... now I know where people are getting them! (I'm a dork)


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BEATLETOT 12/4/2010 8:23PM

    I'm not ready, so after I talked to my husband, we decided we wouldn't do it yet. Maybe when it's closer to the end, you know. At first, I kept thinking about how, when the inevitable happens, I won't be able to cope without having part of the routine...which is why a second dog would help, because I'd still be feeding and taking care of her/him. But I was very resentful of my husband, even though it was my idea!

If Sammy gets proper treatment, it's possible for him to live to his full life expectancy. But he also has some other health problems that make the life expectancy an issue in itself. That's where the specialist comes in. I want to have peace in my heart that I do everything for him I can.

Sassa, I put a picture of him on my profile now, if you wanna see him. Thanks all y'all. My heart hurts less now.

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RUTHXG 12/4/2010 8:07PM

    I'm so sorry about your dog. emoticon

I don't know if a specialist could help. But I do think that your heart isn't ready to get a second dog yet. Lots to sort through still, it sounds like.

You are probably on edge because you don't have the nicotine in your system (unless you're using Nicoderm or one of the other aids). It can feel & look pretty nasty before your system evens out! I would suggest learning & practicing some on-the-spot relaxation techniques so that you can slow down in stressful situations & take stock before reacting. You obviously do know how to figure out your real feelings when you give yourself time!

Hugs & blessings. You will make it.

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SWEETNSKINNY 12/4/2010 7:02PM

    I'm so sorry to hear about your dog :( but, I'm proud of you for recognizing your feelings and not just 'sucking them down'. Good for you. We are all here rooting for you!

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SASSACAIA 12/4/2010 6:43PM

    I think you're doing all of the right things - evaluating what you're feeling and why you're feeling what you are. It takes time if you aren't used to it. I'm sure you will get quicker.

And keep up the good work with not smoking! I've heard it's extremely hard to quit, so don't beat yourself up about it too much. You know all of us emoticon are routing for you! emoticon

And sorry to hear about your dog. What kind of dog is it? Maybe it isn't time for a new dog since you still have so much love to give to the old dog...

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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EYES_ON_THEPRAZ 12/4/2010 6:17PM

    So sorry to hear about your doggie. I think a lot of people have issues figuring out their feelings. You are ahead of most because at least you allow yourself to be open to serious self-examination. That is a good thing.
I believe you can kick the smoking, emoticon!

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