Sunday, January 02, 2011
I guess I am not totally out of the funk...Maybe I am. I had a good day today. And the sun set at 4:59 today, which means tomorrow, it will set at 5. Maybe even 5:01.
I went to the gym. I ate within my calorie range. We cooked up food so it wouldn't go bad, and it didn't. My sister, who's having a hard time, called tonight and sounded okay. I drank enough water. I'm ready to go to the gym tomorrow. Right now, I'm sort of watching "Grown Ups," but it's a little boring, so I'm typing this blog, too.
Oh, and good news that I guess I hadn't talked about. Sammy's fine. Completely fine. If you can believe that. I took him to the specialist, and they said he doesn't have the disease the other doctor said he had. They found a tumor in his abdomen, and two days later, I had it removed, and it turned out benign. Unbelievably, though, the stupid doctor that gave him the wrong diagnosis, and a very high dose of very powerful medication called and offered me an ESTIMATE on the surgery. Like, I'd use anything other than a board-certified surgeon. And he almost killed Sammy twice. I wasn't going to let him cut him open so he could finish the job.
And since he's fine, I plan to save money to take him to an ophthmologist later this year. If he were going to die soon, it doesn't make any sense, but since he's totally fine, it may be worth it. Probably they can't do anything, but just in case.
He's not eating lately, but I think he's being bratty. He'll eat if I put green beans, hot dogs, ham, and Pupperoni in with his food, but otherwise...
So everything's going to be okay. And today was good. Maybe now I'm just tired, and that's why I'm afraid to say with confidence that I'm out of my funk.
Tuesday, December 07, 2010
I felt kind of the same way today as I did yesterday, with two big differences. One, I felt really depressed, not just tired and down, but really, really sad about Sammy. Two, I didn't drag my butt to the gym. I went to the pet store to find a warming blanket for Sammy, but they only have them online, so I need to buy one tonight. I just want him to be comfortable. I feel like I have this dull ache inside, and everytime I think of it, it expands and gets stronger.
But I will go tomorrow, and I'll make up for it on Saturday. Pinky swear. On my way home, I heard on the radio that Tuesday is the worst day of the week for people. According to some study in London that had 22,000 participants. And I think that's probably right. I'd have to go through and look at my exercise minutes by day to see if that's really true, but it sounds right to me.
So, sorry Starfish. But we're doing BANGIN', anyway. I can't believe how many minutes we've gotten in the last 24 hours.
I don't want to wake Sammy to give him his medicine. I know I have to, but I hate it. Maybe my husband will do it...he likes to see Sammy's sleepy face.
Monday, December 06, 2010
I don't know why, but I did go to the gym. Maybe it was because there was nothing on TV. Maybe it was because my book was still in the car. Maybe it was because my friends are counting on me to get them over the Pacific Ocean. We're not quite yet to Honolulu (4,834 miles). And it was fine, and it felt GOOD to do what I should. And when I got home, I wasn't hungry. So I didn't eat dinner. I sat with my husband and my exchange students, but I didn't eat.
And I s'pose I'll go tomorrow. The book I'm reading on the bike is pretty good.
Monday, December 06, 2010
Today was the first day I was committed to going to the gym. And I didn't go. I was excited until I was sitting in traffic. And it was dark. And it is COLD outside. I get out of work at 4pm, and if I don't leave straightaway, I get stuck in bad traffic. But I feel kind of down. Tired. Down. Losery.
And jonesy. I wanted to smoke quite a bit today, too. I can think of three instances that were quite bad. Once, in front of a fax machine. Once, while chatting with my colleague. Once, in the car in traffic. Once, too, when I took Sammy out, but then I thought, "Yeah, sure, go buy some smokes. You can stand out here in the COLD and smoke them." Ugh.
How do I get myself there? I'll do a little strength training here at home so I don't feel like a total loser. But trying to get myself into the gym like this. I guess it's just a tiny mind shift. Either I keep going down the road to the gym, or I don't. Either I go, or I make an excuse. Either the excuse doesn't work, or it does. And perhaps that's all there is to it. It's like, I don't do much different between times I quit smoking, and sometimes I go longer than other times. But, still. This isn't a great feeling.
Saturday, December 04, 2010
So I'm back off the smokes. I started today because it was the first day of the 5% challenge. I had been off them no more than three or four days ago, but I bought a pack right after my appointment with my addiction specialist. Can you believe that?
Anyway, after having been through this addiction and recovery so often and so long, I've developed quite the philosophy on it. My latest addition to the philosophy came from Susan Shapiro's Lighting Up www.amazon.com/Lighting-Up-Stopped-D
rinking-Everything/dp/0385338333 , and showed me how cigarettes are my shield, what I use to suck my emotions down. So for the last few attempts I've made in the last two months, I used this philosophy. When I want to smoke, I determine what it is that I'm actually feeling. Of course, the first few days, sometimes what I'm feeling is a physical crave, but honestly, some of the insights I've come up with with this philosophy have been very important to me.
I feel like I should tell you why it took more than one try in this case with this new, powerful philosophy. I made a cognitive, intellectual decision to smoke. When my dog was diagnosed with Cushing's, I was devastated. And I thought, "I don't WANT to feel my feelings. I want to suck them down." So I did for a couple weeks, then I began the quit again. And this time, it will be successful, I believe.
Anyway, so today, my husband and I went to Subway, and then we were meant to go pick up a dog for adoption. I've been upset, because I want to take my dog to a specialist, and my husband said it was too expensive. It was my idea to get the second dog, my husband got to make all the decisions about which dog, etc. When we were at Subway, they got my bread wrong, so they took a new bread and just dumped my sandwich into the bread. I started freaking out, and then we got in the car, where my husband began to pick at me. I started screaming. It was very bad. So I went to my room with my dog, and I laid there and I cried and I examined. Because, seriously, I wasn't that upset about the sandwich. It's a sandwich. Then, it came to me.
I'm upset because I'm fat and my dog is dying.
And I tried to be good at Subway, and then the lady disrepected my sandwich. And I don't want a new dog. I want to spend the money you have to spend on shots, toys, food, furniture, etc. for a new dog on a specialist for my dog.
How come I don't have this ability to figure out my feelings without serious self-examination? I don't understand. Is it because of the smoking? Will I get quicker at this?
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