Monday, December 06, 2010
I don't know why, but I did go to the gym. Maybe it was because there was nothing on TV. Maybe it was because my book was still in the car. Maybe it was because my friends are counting on me to get them over the Pacific Ocean. We're not quite yet to Honolulu (4,834 miles). And it was fine, and it felt GOOD to do what I should. And when I got home, I wasn't hungry. So I didn't eat dinner. I sat with my husband and my exchange students, but I didn't eat.
And I s'pose I'll go tomorrow. The book I'm reading on the bike is pretty good.
Monday, December 06, 2010
Today was the first day I was committed to going to the gym. And I didn't go. I was excited until I was sitting in traffic. And it was dark. And it is COLD outside. I get out of work at 4pm, and if I don't leave straightaway, I get stuck in bad traffic. But I feel kind of down. Tired. Down. Losery.
And jonesy. I wanted to smoke quite a bit today, too. I can think of three instances that were quite bad. Once, in front of a fax machine. Once, while chatting with my colleague. Once, in the car in traffic. Once, too, when I took Sammy out, but then I thought, "Yeah, sure, go buy some smokes. You can stand out here in the COLD and smoke them." Ugh.
How do I get myself there? I'll do a little strength training here at home so I don't feel like a total loser. But trying to get myself into the gym like this. I guess it's just a tiny mind shift. Either I keep going down the road to the gym, or I don't. Either I go, or I make an excuse. Either the excuse doesn't work, or it does. And perhaps that's all there is to it. It's like, I don't do much different between times I quit smoking, and sometimes I go longer than other times. But, still. This isn't a great feeling.
Saturday, December 04, 2010
So I'm back off the smokes. I started today because it was the first day of the 5% challenge. I had been off them no more than three or four days ago, but I bought a pack right after my appointment with my addiction specialist. Can you believe that?
Anyway, after having been through this addiction and recovery so often and so long, I've developed quite the philosophy on it. My latest addition to the philosophy came from Susan Shapiro's Lighting Up www.amazon.com/Lighting-Up-Stopped-D
rinking-Everything/dp/0385338333 , and showed me how cigarettes are my shield, what I use to suck my emotions down. So for the last few attempts I've made in the last two months, I used this philosophy. When I want to smoke, I determine what it is that I'm actually feeling. Of course, the first few days, sometimes what I'm feeling is a physical crave, but honestly, some of the insights I've come up with with this philosophy have been very important to me.
I feel like I should tell you why it took more than one try in this case with this new, powerful philosophy. I made a cognitive, intellectual decision to smoke. When my dog was diagnosed with Cushing's, I was devastated. And I thought, "I don't WANT to feel my feelings. I want to suck them down." So I did for a couple weeks, then I began the quit again. And this time, it will be successful, I believe.
Anyway, so today, my husband and I went to Subway, and then we were meant to go pick up a dog for adoption. I've been upset, because I want to take my dog to a specialist, and my husband said it was too expensive. It was my idea to get the second dog, my husband got to make all the decisions about which dog, etc. When we were at Subway, they got my bread wrong, so they took a new bread and just dumped my sandwich into the bread. I started freaking out, and then we got in the car, where my husband began to pick at me. I started screaming. It was very bad. So I went to my room with my dog, and I laid there and I cried and I examined. Because, seriously, I wasn't that upset about the sandwich. It's a sandwich. Then, it came to me.
I'm upset because I'm fat and my dog is dying.
And I tried to be good at Subway, and then the lady disrepected my sandwich. And I don't want a new dog. I want to spend the money you have to spend on shots, toys, food, furniture, etc. for a new dog on a specialist for my dog.
How come I don't have this ability to figure out my feelings without serious self-examination? I don't understand. Is it because of the smoking? Will I get quicker at this?
Thursday, December 02, 2010
My girlfriend and I stopped at Einstein Brothers this morning, and a lady on the sidewalk was walking from the opposite direction and I almost hit her. =( I was really apologetic, but she was not going to hear it, so she kept yelling, even as I said I was sorry over and over, and I didn't mean to, and I know I should be more careful. But there's only so much groveling a person can do, and she was being really angry. So I said the B-word as I rolled up my window, and she heard me, so she yelled back, "Muslim!" Which I'm not. But my friend wears hijab.
Can you believe that? I was feeling really upset about the whole thing, until I wrote that, but now, as I write that, I feel like I meant it when I told my friend it's okay, that it was an accident, and it happens, and I never have to see her again, and she has to wake up tomorrow and still be her. I said that to comfort myself before, but now I believe it, because she was a nasty woman.
And I meant it, that I was sorry. And I will be more careful in the future.
Wednesday, December 01, 2010
Today's assignment is to list all the reasons you want to lose weight. What do you want to change? How do you want to look? How do you want to feel? What things will you be able to do in the future with a slimmer healthier body? And list all the other things that you want to change!
So, here I go.
I want to change my pants size. I want my backside to not look huuuge in dressing rooms. I want my shirts to hang naturally off my torso. I want to feel sexy. I want to feel like I look human when I do zumba...not an elephant. I want to belly dance again. There's actually a Groupon for it today. But the location and schedule isn't ideal. But there are other ways. I used to feel bee-yoo-tiful when I belly danced, but after seeing myself sideways in the mirror doing zumba...not so much. I'd love to have that feeling again.
I have been meaning to write another blog about something else, but I've been a bit busy lately. I hope to write it in the next two days or so.
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