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A'ight, I went.

Monday, December 06, 2010

I don't know why, but I did go to the gym. Maybe it was because there was nothing on TV. Maybe it was because my book was still in the car. Maybe it was because my emoticon friends are counting on me to get them over the Pacific Ocean. We're not quite yet to Honolulu (4,834 miles). And it was fine, and it felt GOOD to do what I should. And when I got home, I wasn't hungry. So I didn't eat dinner. I sat with my husband and my exchange students, but I didn't eat.

And I s'pose I'll go tomorrow. The book I'm reading on the bike is pretty good.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LJOHN44 12/7/2010 5:00PM

    I probably shouldn't say this as I'm a member of an opposing team but emoticon for you! I can't tell you how frustrating it is when I work my butt off at the gym and then see my teammates log 5 glasses of water and 0 exercise. It's enough to send me to the pantry to devour a bag of cookies. So - thank you for taking the challenge seriously- Your fellow Starfish are lucky to have you!

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SEATTLESIMS 12/7/2010 4:33PM

    way to go Starfish!!
Glad it felt good! Hope to hear you did the same tonight!
Enjoy that book!!

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EYES_ON_THEPRAZ 12/7/2010 4:13PM

    Well I'm glad you ate something! And that sounds like an OK dinner to me, so who cares if it was technically "snack". Great job!

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VOLLEYTHATBA 12/7/2010 2:40PM

    Nice! Go emoticon

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BEATLETOT 12/7/2010 2:30PM

    Oh, I guess I should have mentioned the crazy-huge snack I had while I was sitting on the couch looking for a TV program. It was basically dinner, but without the family. I had a burrito on a WW tortilla with brown rice, beans, cheese and hot sauce, then, for added measure, I had celery with peanut butter. Something crazy like over 600 calories. So if I'd eaten "dinner," I'd've gone over.

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EYES_ON_THEPRAZ 12/7/2010 12:45PM

    emoticon emoticon
Next time, eat a little something though!

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RUTHXG 12/7/2010 12:10PM

    Yay! emoticon

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 12/7/2010 9:05AM

    emoticon Keep it up fellow emoticon

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YANDI4LIFE 12/7/2010 12:26AM

    emoticon and from one emoticon to another- emoticon

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L*I*T*A* 12/6/2010 11:20PM

    emoticon

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SWEETNSKINNY 12/6/2010 11:12PM

    Fantastic!

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JMCADE 12/6/2010 10:58PM

    Atta girl great job. We're all in this together. But remember you need to eat the normal meals. Wasn't surre you just didn't eat or didn't eat junk. Be sure you get the necessary nutrients.
Go Starfish!!

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SASSACAIA 12/6/2010 10:08PM

    Way to take one for the team! Ha! What are you reading??

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LOLA_98CHIC 12/6/2010 9:47PM

    If we can eat out of boredom, why not go to the gym out of boredom? emoticon

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DOLE10 12/6/2010 9:22PM

  emoticon

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Rough Start

Monday, December 06, 2010

Today was the first day I was committed to going to the gym. And I didn't go. I was excited until I was sitting in traffic. And it was dark. And it is COLD outside. I get out of work at 4pm, and if I don't leave straightaway, I get stuck in bad traffic. But I feel kind of down. Tired. Down. Losery.

And jonesy. I wanted to smoke quite a bit today, too. I can think of three instances that were quite bad. Once, in front of a fax machine. Once, while chatting with my colleague. Once, in the car in traffic. Once, too, when I took Sammy out, but then I thought, "Yeah, sure, go buy some smokes. You can stand out here in the COLD and smoke them." Ugh.

How do I get myself there? I'll do a little strength training here at home so I don't feel like a total loser. But trying to get myself into the gym like this. I guess it's just a tiny mind shift. Either I keep going down the road to the gym, or I don't. Either I go, or I make an excuse. Either the excuse doesn't work, or it does. And perhaps that's all there is to it. It's like, I don't do much different between times I quit smoking, and sometimes I go longer than other times. But, still. This isn't a great feeling.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EYES_ON_THEPRAZ 12/6/2010 7:50PM

    It really is so hard to get in workouts after work these days... I know your pain! With daylight savings being over, I really have to push myself to do something in the evening.

If you can't make it to the gym, try popping in a dvd and getting in a little cardio. Or, on days when I can't get in a full run/swim/workout, I make myself take a brisk walk after dinner with my boyfriend.

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RUTHXG 12/6/2010 5:58PM

    Yes! It's hard to add something to the schedule at this time of year with such terrible cold & the fleeting light.

Over time, I have gathered a few inexpensive fitness videos that don't require much equipment, plus there are the many many SP short workout videos. Which allows me to pick & choose at home. Recently I have combined two different videos, with the more strenuous one first! It helps to have a few different options.

You'll figure out what works best for you.

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Comment edited on: 12/7/2010 12:09:30 PM

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LONDONANNA 12/6/2010 5:58PM

    We all make excuses not to do exercise. I'm very good at not going out running but when I book an exercise class I always turn up because I have paid and committed. Most gyms offer classes at little or no extra cost, maybe that would be a good option? Also if you make friends there, that's an added reason to go.

Good luck finding the motivation!

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Going Around Without My Shield

Saturday, December 04, 2010

So I'm back off the smokes. I started today because it was the first day of the 5% challenge. I had been off them no more than three or four days ago, but I bought a pack right after my appointment with my addiction specialist. Can you believe that?

Anyway, after having been through this addiction and recovery so often and so long, I've developed quite the philosophy on it. My latest addition to the philosophy came from Susan Shapiro's Lighting Up www.amazon.com/Lighting-Up-Stopped-D
rinking-Everything/dp/0385338333
, and showed me how cigarettes are my shield, what I use to suck my emotions down. So for the last few attempts I've made in the last two months, I used this philosophy. When I want to smoke, I determine what it is that I'm actually feeling. Of course, the first few days, sometimes what I'm feeling is a physical crave, but honestly, some of the insights I've come up with with this philosophy have been very important to me.

I feel like I should tell you why it took more than one try in this case with this new, powerful philosophy. I made a cognitive, intellectual decision to smoke. When my dog was diagnosed with Cushing's, I was devastated. And I thought, "I don't WANT to feel my feelings. I want to suck them down." So I did for a couple weeks, then I began the quit again. And this time, it will be successful, I believe.

Anyway, so today, my husband and I went to Subway, and then we were meant to go pick up a dog for adoption. I've been upset, because I want to take my dog to a specialist, and my husband said it was too expensive. It was my idea to get the second dog, my husband got to make all the decisions about which dog, etc. When we were at Subway, they got my bread wrong, so they took a new bread and just dumped my sandwich into the bread. I started freaking out, and then we got in the car, where my husband began to pick at me. I started screaming. It was very bad. So I went to my room with my dog, and I laid there and I cried and I examined. Because, seriously, I wasn't that upset about the sandwich. It's a sandwich. Then, it came to me.

I'm upset because I'm fat and my dog is dying.

And I tried to be good at Subway, and then the lady disrepected my sandwich. And I don't want a new dog. I want to spend the money you have to spend on shots, toys, food, furniture, etc. for a new dog on a specialist for my dog.

How come I don't have this ability to figure out my feelings without serious self-examination? I don't understand. Is it because of the smoking? Will I get quicker at this?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CZARINA_TV 12/6/2010 9:46AM

    That seems like a pretty quick turnaround to me! You knew something was wrong, you went and cooled off and then you figured out the underlying reason. It took what, an hour or two, tops? It's not like you're some enlightened being who knows as soon as you see someone disrespecting your sandwich that you're going to be extra upset over this turn of events because your dog is dying. We don't run around with health meters like some character in a video game. Figuring it out when you're calm is how this works. Some people get so worked up that it's hard to calm them down or they don't even recognize that crisis A is caused by X because they have B, S, G, J, W and Z getting in the way. I can tell you that I get cranky when my blood sugar drops, but there have only been a handful of times in my life when I've realized that I'm cranky because my blood sugar is dropping.

Keep at it!

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AMYMOHIO 12/5/2010 1:58PM

    I'm really sorry to hear about your dog.

I hope it does get easier to figure out feelings, because I'm still working on mine.. why I was holding onto the weight... I believe we will figure it out, though. The big stuff anyway, and the smaller stuff has to get easier. Good to have another animal lover on the starfish team.

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HA! I just figure out there are tabs on the emoticons... now I know where people are getting them! (I'm a dork)

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BEATLETOT 12/4/2010 8:23PM

    I'm not ready, so after I talked to my husband, we decided we wouldn't do it yet. Maybe when it's closer to the end, you know. At first, I kept thinking about how, when the inevitable happens, I won't be able to cope without having part of the routine...which is why a second dog would help, because I'd still be feeding and taking care of her/him. But I was very resentful of my husband, even though it was my idea!

If Sammy gets proper treatment, it's possible for him to live to his full life expectancy. But he also has some other health problems that make the life expectancy an issue in itself. That's where the specialist comes in. I want to have peace in my heart that I do everything for him I can.

Sassa, I put a picture of him on my profile now, if you wanna see him. Thanks all y'all. My heart hurts less now.

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RUTHXG 12/4/2010 8:07PM

    I'm so sorry about your dog. emoticon

I don't know if a specialist could help. But I do think that your heart isn't ready to get a second dog yet. Lots to sort through still, it sounds like.

You are probably on edge because you don't have the nicotine in your system (unless you're using Nicoderm or one of the other aids). It can feel & look pretty nasty before your system evens out! I would suggest learning & practicing some on-the-spot relaxation techniques so that you can slow down in stressful situations & take stock before reacting. You obviously do know how to figure out your real feelings when you give yourself time!

Hugs & blessings. You will make it.

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SWEETNSKINNY 12/4/2010 7:02PM

    I'm so sorry to hear about your dog :( but, I'm proud of you for recognizing your feelings and not just 'sucking them down'. Good for you. We are all here rooting for you!

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SASSACAIA 12/4/2010 6:43PM

    I think you're doing all of the right things - evaluating what you're feeling and why you're feeling what you are. It takes time if you aren't used to it. I'm sure you will get quicker.

And keep up the good work with not smoking! I've heard it's extremely hard to quit, so don't beat yourself up about it too much. You know all of us emoticon are routing for you! emoticon

And sorry to hear about your dog. What kind of dog is it? Maybe it isn't time for a new dog since you still have so much love to give to the old dog...

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EYES_ON_THEPRAZ 12/4/2010 6:17PM

    So sorry to hear about your doggie. I think a lot of people have issues figuring out their feelings. You are ahead of most because at least you allow yourself to be open to serious self-examination. That is a good thing.
I believe you can kick the smoking, emoticon!
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I messed up but I'm sorry.

Thursday, December 02, 2010

My girlfriend and I stopped at Einstein Brothers this morning, and a lady on the sidewalk was walking from the opposite direction and I almost hit her. =( I was really apologetic, but she was not going to hear it, so she kept yelling, even as I said I was sorry over and over, and I didn't mean to, and I know I should be more careful. But there's only so much groveling a person can do, and she was being really angry. So I said the B-word as I rolled up my window, and she heard me, so she yelled back, "Muslim!" Which I'm not. But my friend wears hijab.

Can you believe that? I was feeling really upset about the whole thing, until I wrote that, but now, as I write that, I feel like I meant it when I told my friend it's okay, that it was an accident, and it happens, and I never have to see her again, and she has to wake up tomorrow and still be her. I said that to comfort myself before, but now I believe it, because she was a nasty woman.

And I meant it, that I was sorry. And I will be more careful in the future.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EYES_ON_THEPRAZ 12/4/2010 6:20PM

    As someone who has been run down by an SUV in a hit and run, let me just tell you that you have done enough apologizing! It was an honest mistake, and everyone walked away. Even though it went to a bad place, you will be ok. Try to get it all out of your head, although I imagine you'll be so careful from now on. No more feeling sorry! It's over :D emoticon

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RUTHXG 12/2/2010 11:10PM

    Good grief.

Definitely no more need to grovel.

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SONYARODRI29 12/2/2010 1:08PM

    People always amazing me...by the amazing things they do and the stupid stuff they do/say. I hold the opinion that most of the people in the general public are good...or try to be. So, with this said, I know that you were not trying to intentionally harm this person. You said you were sorry, that's it, it's over, you were sorry. When you REALLY think about it, you actually don't have anything to be sorry about it. You DIDN'T hit her...it was an almost hit. Why is she getting all bent out of shape over something that didn't even happen?

Brush it off, move on, chalk it up to a learning experience, all that jazz. You're cool! emoticon

Comment edited on: 12/2/2010 1:13:19 PM

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ANITA012 12/2/2010 11:58AM

    You did fine! Brush it off and put it behind you. When I encounter people like that...the kind with no brains...I tell myself that they are just on edge and I'm the one they are venting to. So when I hear their rants/raves, I just shake my head and keep on going.
It's a shame that their comment of "Muslim" had to come out like it did. It obviously shows how little brains she does have.
Ughhhh.
Well...Know that you did good. We are all human and we all have those kind of days. Take a deep breath, brush it off and smile.
I know it always makes me feel better!
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BEATLETOT 12/2/2010 11:08AM

    Well, and at the risk of sounding "Muslim," hamdalillah (thank God) I didn't hit nor injure her, or that it wasn't much worse in general (i.e. she had a kid or a dog or a group of nuns with her). It wasn't smart driving on my part, but really, both of us should be relieved, not upset.

That is crazy, that woman. A car is just a THING. And it's not like you singled her out to hit her car. Good call on thinking of the cops.

*Sigh* People.

Today is going better. I watched the 2018/2022 World Cup Host announcement. Spoiler alert!



It's Russia and Qatar, respectively. I'm bummed about Qatar, because they beat the US, and because they're such a small country, and a Qatar/UAE-joint-sponsored World Cup would have been AMAZING. Not that I heard that anybody besides me was planning such a thing, but it would have been really awesome.

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MEL_UNRAU 12/2/2010 9:36AM

    As if "Muslim" is an insult! Of all the NERVE! I think you are dealing with it brilliantly. Accidents happen and to be unforgiving is ridiculous.

Personal story: once I was in a car accident, I rear ended this lady. My fault. Accepted the consequences. Owned up to it and paid for it. She called me every day for two weeks to tell me how horrible I was and how I ruined her life because I had totaled her $2000 car. I was 19 years old and didn't know how to deal with her. She was so malicious! I finally had to threaten her with calling the police to charge harrassment to get her to stop.

Some people have no kindness in them and it is terribly sad. Hope today better!

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My 5% Challenge Blog

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Today's assignment is to list all the reasons you want to lose weight. What do you want to change? How do you want to look? How do you want to feel? What things will you be able to do in the future with a slimmer healthier body? And list all the other things that you want to change!

So, here I go.

I want to change my pants size. I want my backside to not look huuuge in dressing rooms. I want my shirts to hang naturally off my torso. I want to feel sexy. I want to feel like I look human when I do zumba...not an elephant. I want to belly dance again. There's actually a Groupon for it today. But the location and schedule isn't ideal. But there are other ways. I used to feel bee-yoo-tiful when I belly danced, but after seeing myself sideways in the mirror doing zumba...not so much. I'd love to have that feeling again.

I have been meaning to write another blog about something else, but I've been a bit busy lately. I hope to write it in the next two days or so.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RUTHXG 12/2/2010 11:09PM

    Great reasons! We will be victorious!

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MUNCHIE718 12/2/2010 8:53PM

  You can do it!!! Glad you'll be joining us for the Winter 5% challenge. It will be a lot of fun. Good luck!

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KARENE10 12/2/2010 8:59AM

    Great Blog! I am on the Starfish team with you and emoticon~WE CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KALISWALKER 12/2/2010 12:39AM

    Those are all really great reasons to lose weight. I know you can do it this winter. I wish you all the best in the Winter Challenge.
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