Thursday, December 02, 2010
My girlfriend and I stopped at Einstein Brothers this morning, and a lady on the sidewalk was walking from the opposite direction and I almost hit her. =( I was really apologetic, but she was not going to hear it, so she kept yelling, even as I said I was sorry over and over, and I didn't mean to, and I know I should be more careful. But there's only so much groveling a person can do, and she was being really angry. So I said the B-word as I rolled up my window, and she heard me, so she yelled back, "Muslim!" Which I'm not. But my friend wears hijab.
Can you believe that? I was feeling really upset about the whole thing, until I wrote that, but now, as I write that, I feel like I meant it when I told my friend it's okay, that it was an accident, and it happens, and I never have to see her again, and she has to wake up tomorrow and still be her. I said that to comfort myself before, but now I believe it, because she was a nasty woman.
And I meant it, that I was sorry. And I will be more careful in the future.
Wednesday, December 01, 2010
Today's assignment is to list all the reasons you want to lose weight. What do you want to change? How do you want to look? How do you want to feel? What things will you be able to do in the future with a slimmer healthier body? And list all the other things that you want to change!
So, here I go.
I want to change my pants size. I want my backside to not look huuuge in dressing rooms. I want my shirts to hang naturally off my torso. I want to feel sexy. I want to feel like I look human when I do zumba...not an elephant. I want to belly dance again. There's actually a Groupon for it today. But the location and schedule isn't ideal. But there are other ways. I used to feel bee-yoo-tiful when I belly danced, but after seeing myself sideways in the mirror doing zumba...not so much. I'd love to have that feeling again.
I have been meaning to write another blog about something else, but I've been a bit busy lately. I hope to write it in the next two days or so.
Monday, November 15, 2010
I'm not really sad. I wrote that to mean "Seasonal Affective Disorder." Ever since I moved north, I usually get it in February. Last year, I told myself everyday after December 22nd that the days get longer, and I would look up the sunset times sometimes just to see the days getting longer.
So it's too bad that I'm already feeling bummed out about it getting dark at 5pm. It just makes me sleepy and lethargic and bored.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
I love this article. www.dailyspark.com/blog.asp?post=sur
And I think I understand now. I mean, the article was a little all over the place, about our denial about being fat, weight loss methods, how to calculate BMI, etc. But what got me was the part about the food. This part:
First, this is the example we are given. We're constantly told that we don't exercise enough, but we are more seldom told that we eat too much. Weight-loss infomercials rarely talk about food—usually they hawk fitness gizmos that miraculously helped people melt away their fat in just minutes a day....Weight-loss reality TV shows depict people killing themselves in the gym for hours a day, not weighing their food or talking about how hungry they are from eating less. Fitness magazines primarily talk about workouts, with headlines about losing your gut...It's no wonder we think a lack of exercise is what's to blame for our increased girth.
But what about food? People are always told that there is no such thing as good and bad foods, but can that honestly be true? Realistically, there are bad foods—we all know what they are....Food is deeply personal to us....For something that says so much about you, to admit that the food you choose to eat isn't so good might mean that you're not a good person either. It may signal that you're weak, that you lack willpower, that you don't care, or that you don't care what others think of you. Because food matters that much to us, and we want freedom to eat whatever we want. We don't want to be told what to eat or how to eat. We especially don't want to be told what NOT to eat. For some reason, there's not much stigma associated with a sedentary lifestyle, but people become very defensive and protective if you try to change, control, or analyze their food choices. It's easier to just say we don't exercise enough than to dissect something so personal to us.
Read more: http://www.dailyspark.com/blog.asp?post=su
And I have blogged about that. I want to eat what I want, when I want. Why can't I? It made me think that I should feel a little hungry sometimes, and that I should ban foods that have little to no nutritional value. And I think that's the key. I need to suffer just a tiny bit. A tiny bit of suffering can yield me some serious results.
By suffer, I don't mean that I think this is a prison sentence or a diet or a non-lifestyle change. And I don't mean that good for you foods are inherently gross. But I can't eat pizza once a week because that's what I want. I can't go out drinking with my friends once or twice a week because I had a hard day. And if I do do that, I can't have three beers each time. I mean, of course I can, I'm an adult, but I can't do it if I think I'm going to lose weight.
I want to write about something else, too. Yesterday, I went shopping after work. I needed new pants for my job badly, and I'm wanting to methodically build a basic wardrobe. So I went to the stores. I said, I need to buy pants, I just have to, even if they're size 8 or 10s. When I started on SparkPeople, I wore an 8. Last time I bought pants, I bought 10s, just temporarily, you know? I mean, I have this one pair of pants that were really quite nice-looking, and I was so SURE they were not going to fit for long, so I never got them hemmed properly. They still have safety pins in the bottoms. And I wear them at least twice a week. When I went yesterday, the 8s barely buttoned. The 10s were too tight for work. I thought, "Oh, EFF! I can't do it. I can't buy 12s. I just can't." Then, I said to myself, "You need new pants. You really do. So, look, you have a choice. You can either be a size 8, or you can buy new clothes. Which one is it?"
And I hadn't bought clothes in so long because I didn't want to buy bigger sizes. I wanted to wait until I could get back into my 8s (because 10s were temporary). But I decided that I deserve to be well-dressed. I don't have to punish myself for being overweight. And that's what I was doing, even though I thought I was rewarding myself for doing better. I have several articles of clothing in my closet that I haven't allowed myself to wear yet, because I made a rule that I had to lose a pound for each new item. It obviously didn't work. I bought them in May of 2009. Yes. 2009.
I feel better now. And my new pants feel really good. And I think I may be on to something here.
Wednesday, September 08, 2010
The challenge today in the group "The Knees" is to blog about my weight loss. I don't know how I got started doing these challenges--I so rarely have gone to my teams--but after I did one, I guess I wanted to have a streak.
I used to be very slender. Of course, then, I didn't think I was as cute as I know now I was. That makes me sad. After I went to graduate school, I didn't have time to work out. I didn't have time to do anything. But now, I've been out of grad school for almost three years, and I'm still gaining weight.
Well, not now. But I'm also not really losing. I'm frustrated and I'm kind of sad. I'm working out like a maniac, but I get hungry and darn it, I eat! Even I try to be better and only eat when I'm hungry and things like this, but it's not having a lot of effect.
But I don't defy science, so I must not be trying hard enough, right?
I just want to be cute again.
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