Wednesday, September 19, 2012
I guess I'm "back."
Not that I was super-gone. I've logged in daily, tracked iffily, replied to blogs, etc.
But I haven't been Sparking.
Since May, I haven't been Sparking. I've barely exercised. My food sucked, then was okay, then sucked again.
So what happened in May?
Well, I guess I'll just put it all out there.
I started smoking again in May.
I did the same thing I always do. Smoke for a few days, stop for a day, smoke for a day, stop for three, ad infinitum. I finally smoked my last one on Labor Day. And this will be my LAST. I really can't keep doing this. And it's scary $hi+, too, what can happen if you continue in this way.
So that's what I did, and it's really wild what an energy suck this is. And it doesn't affect you just physically, either. It's mental, too. I feel like I'm in a funk, like I physically can't BRING myself to get up off the couch and move the 10 feet over to the stationary bike. It's harder to get out of bed. And actually working to succeed something, like quitting diet soda, cutting down on sweets, or even reading a book or clipping coupons? Forget it. Life becomes an endless urge, punctuated by cigarettes, TV and BrickBreaker.
Well, probably about five or six days ago, I started feeling more like me...like the cloud had lifted...like I could actually SEE again, if that makes sense. And I started exercising a little bit. I went back to the eating plan that I had made work for a couple weeks during my nicotine bender.
One thing that's come over me though, that I don't understand, is that I'm going backward somehow. I have a sudden urge to buy stickers and stuffed animals. And I have. Stickers, anyway. A stuffed elephant probably isn't far behind.
Why? Am I trying to go back to the time before I smoked? Or try to recapture the time I smoked, but overshot? Any therapists/counselors reading this, please give your opinion!!!
So today I bought these:
And I found these in my closet:
So what do I do with these stickers? I have no idea where to stick them or what to do besides buy them and look at them.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
I went to a party tonight.
It was hosted by some people who called their house the "Street-they-live-on" Brewery. We took our new exchange student, and we had to leave early, after the third time I saw him yawn.
I don't blame him for being bored. We knew we were going to a beer tasting; we just didn't know that we would be sitting through over an hour presentation of hops, barley, yeast and "what do you smell? What do you taste? How's the head?" And the kid's 16, so he couldn't participate. I teased him as he poured some lemonade, beckoning him to let me smell, and look at the glass through the light.
It was BORING.
But in a way, I was entranced by our host's passion for beer brewing. I want a passion like he has, but I don't know what it could be. I could get back into German...maybe the lit, maybe the SLA. Crossword puzzles, coupon clipping, playing an instrument...I don't know what it could be, and thanks to my friend's passion, I'm not in the clearest state to determine what it is right now, but it makes me think.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Okay, no, I'm so not the worst Starfish ever. You remember that one season where seriously between a third and half of us were completely inactive after the second week? What a nightmare that was!
I am the worst Starfish I've ever been, though. As we go into the final week of the challenge, I'm really starting to realize how little I've done for yuns. Very, very little exercise (my number for last week was...0), not much participation on the discussion boards or just for fun boards...not posting regularly to the tracking thread, not posting till, like, Tuesday most weeks...posting twice a week on the tracking thread! This isn't me! I really ought to be fired as EL...yeesh.
But the weirdest thing about this is, I think I've lost more weight on this challenge than I have any of the other challenges. I guess while I haven't been working out, I've been more careful with my food choices, and it's actually showing. I think I can be okay with that for now.
I decided to finish strong in the last week of the challenge...it's the least I can do, right? I mean, really, the VERY LEAST I can do. Then, I have a few weeks in between to get my head on straight, on which I'm very much behind. I went back to another online support group, one I hadn't been on for over two-and-a-half years, last night to admit my failings and failure and come back. I need to focus on them for awhile, but I'll divide my time equitably for both sites this week, focus on them between challenges, and come back strong for the fall 5% Challenge. I love my Starfishies!!!
Saturday, July 14, 2012
I haven't posted a blog in a long while. I started one at one point but realized that it wasn't interesting. If it bores me, I certainly don't think it will interest you! I mean, the Challenge prep blog seemed a bit forced when I wrote it, too. Just haven't had a lot to say, I guess, but really want to get Pumpkin Lady off my main SparkPage.
June was kind of a lost month for me. I didn't exercise. I sat around and felt tired, lazy and sorry for myself. July hasn't been much better exercise-wise, but I feel like I'm really getting somewhere with my eating, and workouts are getting a tiny bit more regular.
Really, I haven't had a lot of time for working out. I'm being more active, moving more at work and at home, but actual exercise is more sporadic than normal.
Part of the reason is this chihuahua/terrier mix I'm fostering. I picked her up from a kill shelter in Baltimore, where she'd been left after her owner died. She'd had the same owner for her whole 12 years, and the surviving family didn't want her. It was so full in the shelter, she wasn't even in a cage; they had her in an office.
She's very sweet, and unlike Mr. Sam, she actually can (and wants to) take walks and play. Anyway, she's still here, and I don't know when she's leaving. I hope in the fall, when families start returning from vacations and routines fall back into place, that someone will take her. She's awesome with children and will make a great dog for someone.
I've been reading a few "diet" books. I've been working on the Spark since Christmas and have a Volumetrics book on my nightstand. The ones that get read faster are on my Kindle, so I actually started and finished "Diets Don't Work" by...Schwartz? Yeah, I just looked it up, and it's by Bob Schwartz. Anyway, it was good. Basically, he talks about the "Diet Mentality," and about what naturally thin people do, and as you may expect, it's actually quite simple and you've heard it before. They eat when they're hungry, and when they're not hungry anymore, they stop.
It made me realize a lot of things. I discovered a lot of reasons I eat that I wouldn't have thought of if he'd just said to write down the reasons why you eat. I "bargain eat," for example; that is, eat because it's free. I "scarcity eat," which is problematic when I bargain eat, because then I have to stock up on the free stuff, you know? Then I eat three croissants at work. And I eat because of the starving children in Africa, too.
I also realized that I have to stop thinking of food like it's something special. The bosses eat lunch together in the dining room once a week, and people go down there toward the end to get to the leftovers. One of my naturally thin friends and I were talking about how we don't want to look like beggars, so we don't go down. Then, she said, "Yeah, it's just food."
Just food? I don't know if I ever thought of food, especially good, quality, tasty, (free) food as "just" food. Reading the book made me realize that I should look at food as "just food," and that I shouldn't think about it all the time like I do. If I could only figure out how.
About halfway through, Schwartz gave the four rules of naturally-thin people's eating habits.
1. They eat when they're hungry
2. They eat exactly what they want
3. They enjoy every bite
4. They stop eating when they're not hungry anymore
I like 1, 2, and 4. 3 is problematic for me. I feel like naturally-thin people wouldn't necessarily enjoy every bite, because why would they? Why would they even think about the bite? It's just food. How do I reconcile #3 with the above anecdote with my friend. And do I need to? I feel like in my mind, I do, because it just doesn't make sense to me.
On the other hand, I'm a speed eater. I eat so fast. And people say you should eat slower so the stomach can tell the brain it's full or whatever.
So I'm trying. I am doing really well with 1 and 2. 4 is a crapshoot, but I can tell I'm improving. I've been leaving food on my plate the second I feel like it. I left half a pork chop last night, and two bites of the omelet I had this morning. Two days ago, I left a third of a sandwich on the kitchen table, and my husband fed the insides to the dogs. I still feel full probably about half the time, which isn't great; Schwartz says you should stop when you're "not hungry," not when you're "full," because "full" means different things to overweight people and naturally-thin people.
Well, then there's 3. I'm trying it. When I remember, I tell myself to keep chewing, but that's maybe twice a day.
And even though naturally-thin people apparently don't track their food, I am more or less. I'm not as regular about it as I used to be, but I do want to see what's going on, and what's going on is interesting.
I'm staying in my calorie range!
Even today, I wanted Popeye's fried chicken. I don't even like fried chicken that much, but for some reason, I wanted Popeye's. When I got hungry, I got it. And I ate it. Maybe a little much--I was fuller than I should have been at the end, but not stuffed, but when I tracked my food, including the Popeye's, I was still in range.
Even with two biscuits. And Cajun fries.
I WAS IN RANGE!
I'm finding that to be the case a lot, even when I'm having beer, and my weight is going down. I lost 1.6 pounds last week, and just .1 pounds this week, but a loss is a loss, and I'll take it.
So I took a few days off this week but didn't have a plan. I was supposed to go to NYC, but my plans fell through with that, and so I stayed at home, ran errands, watched a ton of TV, exercised a little....and I was so unfulfilled. I texted a friend yesterday to see if we could hang out because I was bored and lonely, but spent some time on things start-to-finish in the spirit of my very old blog "Happiness=Closure" www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_jo
and it helped some. But I have 33 hours left of "staycay." Any suggestions on making it worthwhile?
Friday, June 15, 2012
I put my commitment and answered questions on my SparkPage, but I want to list some reasons I want to lose weight in a blog.
1. I want to move on to something else! I've been "working on" losing weight for a looooong time, and I'd like to just be done with it already, healthy, happy, with good habits, so I can start focusing on other things.
2. I want to look good in photographs and feel cute and pretty.
3. I'm not getting any younger!
4. I asked my husband to take me dancing, but I don't want to go NOW, because I think I'll enjoy it more if I'm a little less self-conscious. So in 10 pounds, I wanna go dancing. That may sound bad--like I'm putting my life on hold until I lose weight, but I don't think so. My life is SO not dancing. And if an awesome concert or another dancing opportunity comes up, then of course I will take it. But a night on the town? I call that a reward!
5. I feel better--not just when I'm making progress, but in general, when I'm working out and living more healthily. I've been kind of bad the last couple weeks, but I hope to get out of my funk soon-ish...definitely before the challenge.
I think that's good for right now. Single-mindedness isn't taking me very far, I'm afraid, because I'm no good at being single-minded. It just gives me permission to slack on everything. I've hit a decent stride on some things--found a breakfast that keeps me full for a good part of the day, having veggies ready for meals and snacks, and trying to keep moving throughout the day. But my exercise has fallen by the wayside, I'm drinking a ton of diet soda lately, and my detente with sleep and second job is falling apart. I'm exhausted. Part of it is Euro Cup--I've been watching it on DVR when I should be sleeping, but I'm sure the higher amounts of caffeine in the evening aren't helping... and so on.
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