Friday, December 09, 2011
I was on my way home from work. Not home. To the gym. In order to get to the gym, I take the same exit to get home, then, instead of turning left, I keep going to the end of the road. So I pass the turn home everyday I go to the gym. Often when I do this, I think, "Ah, too late. You're on your way. No going home now."
In time, it's become habit. I'll realize 3/4 the way down the road that I passed the turn without thinking about it, without debating it.
Yesterday, I was in the right lane, and I saw a car turning into my neighborhood at the left in the left lane, about, say, 50 yards from me. I thought, I have just enough time to swerve behind that guy and go home. But I didn't.
And then something weird happened to my face.
Saturday, December 03, 2011
We're going to a pot"duck" tonight. It's become kind of a tradition with a friend. Her birthday is in a few days, so she does a Thanksgiving/Christmas dinner where she serves duck and we all bring the sides. I'm bringing my dad's green bean casserole (which, Amy, I put it in SparkRecipes, and it's not as bad as I thought...143 calories for a 1/12 piece), my husband is bringing papas a la huancaina, and my roommate and her boyfriend are bringing brussel sprouts cooked with bacon and carrot cake.
I did some finagling on my nutrition tracker, and I can only have one ounce of duck (which is fine, because I don't really like it, anyway--too rich), a serving of the green bean casserole, and a fine, honkin' serving of the carrot cake. No home-brewed beer this time around. I'll be drinking water. I still have 48 calories to put toward if someone brings chips or something to snack on beforehand, or, if I forget the duck, I can have a glass of wine, but I'm going to have to be careful. But I decided what I want to spend my calories on (cake... ), and that's what I'm going to do.
My plan is to be mindful...remember that I've already planned this meal, and remember what that plan is! Remember that it's about the friends, not the food. Bring games! Bring my water bottle even though it's ugly and weird.
Please post any support or tips for getting through. I'm really not used to succeeding in a situation such as this.
Monday, November 28, 2011
My status update from last Monday said I was regaining my footing that day.
Well, I lied.
I thought I might. I even got a few hours in, but in the end, I just didn't want to.
I haven't stepped on the scale yet to see what this has done, and I'm sort of afraid to, but I'll save it for the winter challenge first weigh-in. Give myself five or six days to get a head start.
Because now I want to.
I need to stop living in paradoxes. I think it's starting to mess with me. Well, I think it's been messing with me for years. Anyway, I need to stop living in them. I don't have time. Life is short and time is ticking. I have to start standing in my truth (which--give credit where it's due--I first heard from my hero Suze Orman), realize what I want and what is important to me, and start living in my truth.
I didn't want to still be smoking in my twenties. I'm 29. When am I going to stop for good?
I joined SparkPeople in 2007, when my graduate school weight started creeping on. That was four, almost five, years ago. When am I finally going to stop gaining weight?
But there are other, smaller paradoxes, too.
I don't like that I eat meat from sick cows. Cows' stomachs weren't meant to ingest corn, which is what most of them are fed. And who knows what your meat has been sitting in? It's a filthy, disgusting business. But I still do it. Eat beef, I mean. When am I going to insist on having more information, paying for quality meat?
I really dislike that so many of the foods I eat (even many so-called "healthy" foods) are laden with chemicals. It's gross. And that's why we as a nation are so sick. When will I start actually removing these foods from my diet until they're barely there, if at all?
When will I start standing in my truth, doing what I know is right instead of what is easy?
And there are other things as well. What do I want?
- I want to be healthy. I want to feel good and energetic and happy.
- I want to be strong.
- I want to stop torturing my body and the animals that nourish it.
- I want off my meds. I've long subscribed to the notion of "better living through chemistry," and I was unable to function at all right before I went on them. But why? I want to figure that out, and I want to stand on my own two feet without the help of a prescription.
- I want to stop self-medicating.
- I want to learn Arabic. Then Japanese. Then maybe something else.
- I want to stop depriving myself of what I need.
- I want my ultimate career dream. I can go into it with you someday, but this is already getting quite lengthy I think.
And most of all, I want to stand in my truth. I want my priorities and my actions to line up. It's going to take some time, and it's not going to be easy. I can't do it overnight. I need to educate myself. I need to change my way of thinking about money and living. I need to get my husband more or less on board. But most of all, I need to remember what I'm trying to achieve and how important it is to me, to my health, both mental and physical.
I'll let you know. =)
Friday, November 18, 2011
...call it whatever you want. I'm not buying a present for myself tomorrow. I made today an epic fail. And I knew I was doing it, and I didn't give a damn.
It was a really bad day. And I shouldn't have let it railroad me, but I did, and it did. With gusto.
I found out today via Facebook that my "best friend" got married. Today.
We live on opposite coasts, and even though we don't talk *that* often due to the time difference, I still consider(ed) her my best friend. And it's not like we haven't talked in months...I talked to her less than three weeks ago on the phone. She said nothing about her pending nuptials.
I knew she was engaged, but she never told me a date. Ever. Apparently, this was the date.
I guess we aren't really best friends anymore. I can't be sure we're even friends at all anymore. How can we be friends, let alone best friends, if she didn't even tell me this?
If I hadn't gone on Facebook today, which I guess I hadn't in the last several days (since I'd miss all the little status updates before), I still wouldn't know my bestie was married. I wish I didn't know. I guess I don't use social media enough to be her friend anymore. My heart is broken.
Friday, November 18, 2011
I'm trying to decide what my next Fast Break goal will be. The ones that look most enticing and helpful to me are the nutrition ones, but you only get one from each category (nutrition, fitness, motivation), and "tracking my food each day" is one of my current ones. I don't think that one has become a habit yet, so I'm loath to change it already.
The two I keep looking at are "Don't snack mindlessly in the evening," and "Don't eat in front of the TV and computer."
I really should just pick one from the Motivation category, but many of them are silly to me and I'm afraid of failing at the ones that aren't, because you have less control over them. Take "sleep for 8 hours each night" for example. Sometimes, you just CAN'T sleep. You don't know why, but try as you may, you can't.
And I fear that if I don't follow through with one of my goals, and I lose my weekly reward because of it, I'll wind up sitting on the couch, smoking, and staying up late while eating salt and vinegar chips until the following Sunday. Maybe past the following Sunday. The success of this goal system I created is at least partly contingent on my being successful on it, because there's at least one addiction involved. How can I make failure less likely?
Maybe instead of making the precarious Fast Break goal required for my weekly reward, I can add an amount to my present budget every time I follow through with it. It feels a little like a cop-out.
I dunno. Any insight?
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