BEATLETOT   71,604
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I Won!

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Today, there was a knock at the door, and there was a packet lying there when my husband opened the door.

"Did you order something?" he asked.

"No," I said.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Maybe it's from my boss, you know? My new job?"

"Me? I'm your boss."

"NO. My new boss."

Then I looked at the package. It was addressed to Brenda MyHusband'sLastName.

"Brenda MyHusband'sLastName?" I don't normally go by that. I did the Latin American thing with my name when we got married, so my name is Brenda MyLastName de MyHusband'sLastName, but I don't like that much, so I usually go by Brenda MyLastName. My new job would have used my full legal name. I don't know who would call me Brenda MyHusband'sLastName. I only use it alone when it's better to not be so findable, or if it behooves me to appear Hispanic.


So I opened the package to find out.

Inside was a book. "Carrots 'n' Cake." You may remember it as the DailySpark Giveaway from May 6. www.dailyspark.com/blog.asp?post=win
_a_copy_of_carrots_n_cake_book


I WON!

I didn't know they didn't notify you, that you just got a bangin' surprise at your doorstep!

And...when I just went looking for that link, I saw that they post the winners' names on the blog post. There were 5 of us. I know one of the other winners! Geez, SparkPeople is a small place.

But I digress.

Thanks, SP! emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANNASBF 6/2/2011 11:50PM

    I am so glad you won but the part I really enjoyed about this blog is how pleased you were to get your prize! So many people are so jaded and all these days... reading your marvelous appreciation felt so good... well done, you! And congrats on being a winner in more ways than one!

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JMCADE 5/25/2011 8:41PM

    How great for you!

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KAREN_NY 5/25/2011 1:14PM

    CUTE!

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AMYLONGHORN 5/25/2011 11:26AM

    LUCKY!!!!!!!!!!! Enjoy!!!

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HOPESINGH 5/25/2011 3:18AM

    emoticon Very nice surprise

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SWEETNSKINNY 5/24/2011 10:58PM

    What a fun suprise!!!! Congrats!

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KJNLDE 5/24/2011 9:43PM

    Wow! That's fantastic! Surprises are so motivating!!

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SEAWAVE 5/24/2011 9:31PM

    What a great morale booster! I wish we Canadians could win Spark contests!

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KARENE10 5/24/2011 8:45PM

    I love winning stuff:)

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EYES_ON_THEPRAZ 5/24/2011 7:43PM

    Awesome! But how did they get you as Brenda YourHusband'sLastName? Oh Bc maybe you wanted to not be so findable on Spark? Got it. I want to win a costest!

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-WRKNG2ABTTRME- 5/24/2011 7:15PM

    emoticon

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MARTY728 5/24/2011 6:45PM

    Way to go!

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RUTHXG 5/24/2011 6:32PM

    Hey, that's fabulous! Looks like a very fun book, maybe motivating too!

It's always so much fun to win something. emoticon emoticon

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DAV128 5/24/2011 6:32PM

    Excellent. I'm still waiting for my first such surprise.

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Not Enough!

Monday, May 23, 2011

In the past, I focused on my weight, or my calories, and, judging by the fact that I've lost basically nothing in the last several years, that obviously wasn't right.

This time, it was going to be different. I decided that I was going to focus on following streaks. Then, it was going to work. Instead of rewarding weight loss, I was going to reward behavior.

But the last two weeks, I'm up. Really up. Like, just quit smoking up.

So what the hell?

Am I defeating the purpose by complaining about this? Does this blog mean I'm still focused on weight loss, so of course it's not going to work?

And what am I going to do?

I already decided that I have to go back to being a food racist. No more whites. But this is frustrating. When am I going to lose weight?

I read a blog today--I wish I remembered who'd written it--about not going through the motions. I guess they were like me, not losing weight on SP for YEARS. Then, they stopped going through the motions. Is that what I'm doing? And if so, I obviously don't know how to NOT do that, so how do I NOT do that? What's the difference between just going through the motions and not with regard to diet, exercise, motivation, and health?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BEATLETOT 5/24/2011 1:30PM

    Maybe it's not that interesting nor that odd. Maybe I really am just not doing enough.

Because, really, I mean, I don't defy science, and if I had the choice to, I'd at least want to be able to fly.

So it isn't enough to reward behavior. It isn't enough to stay within my calorie range. I simply have to work harder, to be on the LOW END of the calorie range (which is 1200-1550). And eat more protein. I actually get a ton of fruits and veggies, but I usually struggle to get enough of that.

For exercise, I dunno. I do a lot, and I keep an eye on my heart rate to make sure I'm in the right range, and I do very well at making sure the incline, resistance, and speed are all different everytime. I don't know what to do differently, beyond using 10 pounds instead of 5 for my weight training.

Thanks for all the advice, everyone, and especially Jeckie, thank you for chiming in! Your suggestions were really helpful, especially since your blog sort of inspired my thought process.

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RUTHXG 5/24/2011 12:36PM

    Are you getting frequent enough exercise, with some good variety & appropriate intensity?

What is your SP-recommended calorie range? Might it be a little higher than you really need, given your height?

This is an interesting situation--I'm eager to see how it works out!

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HOPESINGH 5/24/2011 2:57AM

    How about consulting a dietitian? It's the kind of cases where I turn to a professional
Good luck, you're determined enough to do this! emoticon

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4LEEFCLOVER 5/24/2011 12:44AM

    Remember - you're developing a "lifestyle". You're already dealing with becoming a "nonsmoker". This may take awhile for you to "own" it. Meanwhile, you are getting good at regular exercise, drinking enough water, trying some healthier foods. So, listen to everyone else's suggestions, and maybe try some rewards for some small goals - behavior goals, and keep it up. You WILL be better off for it in the long run. Let the weigh-ins be as feedback on your lifestyle progress, but not the only valued goal. You could weigh less and feel miserable. So far so good!

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L*I*T*A* 5/23/2011 11:27PM

    you only fail if you stop trying. That goes for EVERYTHING in life. If you don't find success after 349 tries, maybe the 350th try will do it. In other words, if you fall, you get up again, no matter how many times it takes.
blessings and hugs...............lita

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EYES_ON_THEPRAZ 5/23/2011 10:47PM

    For me, it's not enough to just work out or just focus on my nutrition, I HAVE to do both and I HAVE to push hard to even get the pidley results I get. For you, I imagine it might be even harder considering you're already at a significantly lower weight. Have you figured out what body type thing you are? I will send you a link if I can find it, but it was an article describing the three types of bodies and I figured out only recently that I'm an endomorph and that my body needs constant fuel to keep my metabolism going or else I'm going to store more fat, or something. I can't remember it all, but it is helping me change my attitude towards food and how much I should be eating, and when. Also what types of exercise are better for my body.
Also I'm glad you mentioned this so now I can be sure to go back and read JECKIE's blog.
Oh man, I really hope I'm not just going through the motions... I don't feel like I am, but I'm not getting results either. It's so hard.

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JECKIE 5/23/2011 10:09PM

    Yeah, that was me.

So here's the deal. When I say I was going through the motions - I was eating in my 1400 to 1800 calorie range, but I was eating bread and pasta and maybe 2 servings of veggies per day and NO fruit. I was focused on that calorie number, and none of the others (protein, fiber, etc.)

On the exercise front, I'd go to the gym and hop on the elliptical for a half hour. I'd move, but I wasn't pushing myself. I'd maybe do 4mph for a half hour. Yeah, that might be great for someone, but not me.

So now? I'm focused on fruit and veggies, on quality protein, etc. On water. At the gym I kick my own ass daily. I SWEAT. I push my limits. I do intervals and make my muscles burn. It's hard for me to say what the switch was that changed how I approached this, but it's working.

I used to think my 30 minute elliptical "walk" was enough to make a difference, but I wasn't seeing the difference I wanted. Now I'm putting everything I have into making that difference real.

You can do this too! Challenge yourself to beat your best time/speed/whatever in your workouts, make sure you plan 5-7 freggies into your daily plan BEFORE anything else. Drown yourself in water (not literally, please! We'd miss you!). Get serious about how much of yourself you're putting into this. Only you know if you're doing absolutely the most you can to make this happen.

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BEATLETOT 5/23/2011 9:35PM

    Ah, you caught me, Ruth! I wasn't good about staying within my calorie range! I guess I mentioned that in my blue dot blog, that my reports had measles...

But now I AM being good! And I was pretty good on all 3 challenges to no avail! I've gone over a few times, but nothing terrible! So I'm actually doing both...watching my calories and rewarding behavior. So NOW what the hell?

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RUTHXG 5/23/2011 9:12PM

    OK, analysis question: When you focused on calories, did it not work in that even when you stayed within your calorie range faithfully for weeks on end you didn't lose weight? Or did it not work in that you couldn't make yourself stay faithfully within your calorie range?

That's an important difference!

I see from your main page that you are aiming for "blue dots" during this spring challenge. How is that going?

The answers to these questions will help us guess where the problem might lie.

Signed,
Your fellow sleuth

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A Lost Cause?

Sunday, May 22, 2011

I went to Zumba today. I don't normally go, because I don't like it that much, but I heard some reggaeton music at a tapas place I went to this week and it made me kind of want to go.

Everytime I go, it's a bigger mistake than the time before. I'm a total clod with no sense of my center of gravity. It's always been a bit of a problem. I never got into the best show choirs in high school because my dancing was never any good. The only time I felt like a good dancer was 25 pounds ago when I belly danced. The Zumba teacher puts in a few belly dancing-inspired moves in a routine or two, and when I catch myself in the mirror, it's like I'm not even the same person, and in a sense, I guess I'm not. I'm 120% the person I used to be.

So I leave feeling like crap about myself.

I wonder if I can ever become a decent dancer, or if I'm totally screwed for life in this department because I was put in Girl Scouts instead of ballet as a child. Can I find my center of gravity? And sufficient grace? And a sense of what I look like when I twist this, shake that or flail these? How?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOUNTAINMERMAID 5/23/2011 11:09AM

    I LOVE ZUMBA!!!
I Don't Care WHAT I Look Like!
I'm Moving, having FUN!!!
Our class is pretty Big and All the girls Have FUN!
Young, Old, Heavy, Skinny Minnies, It's just a GREAT TIME!!!
Practice Makes Perfect!
emoticon emoticon ROCKS!!!

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HOPESINGH 5/23/2011 10:17AM

    I know exactly how you feel, I'm such a clod I can't even do an aerobics class without feeling awkward. I guess it can get better if you are consistent with those classes. Honestly, I personally found it was not important enough or fun enough to persevere.
regards to little Sammy emoticon

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AMYLONGHORN 5/23/2011 9:25AM

    Heyyyyy so when I pulled up your blog this morning, guess what the advertisement was for?! ZUMBA DVD SET! LOL I'm soooo sorry you feel that way about Zumba, but I am sooooo thankful that you got me hooked on it!! As I've told you before, my class is a city-sponsored class, so there's all shapes, sizes and ages in there, which I definitely appreciate. And we're in a gym, so NO MIRRORS!! Have you thought about getting the game for the Wii or Playstation Move or whatever machine you guys have? That way you can do it in the comfort of your own home, and no one will even see you! Sounds more fun than marching in place!!

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LOVE YOU! Have a good week!!!

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SEAWAVE 5/23/2011 9:03AM

    I think part of the ability comes from the repetition of doing the steps, that is going regularly to Zumba. Also, if you've had success with bellydancing, why not take that up again? It's supposed to be a very good core exercise! Bottom line, find something you enjoy and you'll do it often. Don't force yourself to be a square peg trying to fit in a round hole.
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EYES_ON_THEPRAZ 5/23/2011 1:00AM

    I am a terrible dancer, but I love it! I don't do it in public, except at parties or the occasional night out at karaoke bar, but I always have fun. I think the hard thing for me with zumba or other dance classes would be having to stare in the mirror at myself. I like doing it for fun and if I have to stare at myself (150% of the person I was when I used to go to the 80s clubs in college), I would get depressed. I would keep at it but don't stress it if you're not enjoying it. emoticon

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GRYPHON55 5/23/2011 12:25AM

    I hear you, I used to skip out of any aerobics because they all had dance type steps. But now I think that just showing up and moving is the point of it all, not being perfect.

Try to see that there is a lot of room between "total crap" and "perfect dancer" and your'e somewhere in there. And probably no one else in the room is looking at you, so it's just you and your head having this little argument. Don't let your head win! Your body loves to move, no matter how awkward your brain judges it to be. Tell your brain to let go and just let the body have some fun!

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RUTHXG 5/22/2011 11:32PM

    As for me, people usually say I'm graceful or dignified when I'm just walking about, but no one has EVER said I'm a graceful dancer--because I'm not! I too could have benefited from lessons in childhood or the teen years. Therefore if I ever take up zumba it's going to be with a video at home.

In your case, I would guess that private dance lessons would be fruitful--maybe you could do a swap with a friend who is a good dancer? I think we do all have dancing potential, even if we tend toward clumsiness, because the heart-drumbeat is primal for us all, & therefore so is rhythm.

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BEATLETOT 5/22/2011 11:20PM

    Thanks, BFF of that ridiculously cute dog. But oh, dear! I hope that it doesn't look like I harbor some sort of deep-seated angst against my parents or GSUSA or my high school choir teacher or anything like that from this blog. I made those references to show that I've always been a clod, and if I had learned grace as a young child, maybe I wouldn't be.

After I wrote this, I realized I should also have mentioned that because of me, my parents started the creative curfew of "If you're not home by 1, you can't come home till 6," because, apparently even at 4'10 and barely breaking 100 pounds, my tiptoeing around upstairs was akin to a stampede of elephants. So it's just me. But can I change? That's the question.

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ANNASBF 5/22/2011 9:56PM

    I think you are being too hard on yourself. Zumba is light years less important than how you feel. I hear a lot of people do not keep up with that sort of musical/dancing exercise and leave feeling defeated. I really hope you choose something more motivating instead of revisiting a past hurt. I'm sure you were a great girl scout and there is great merit to that! I am also sure that you are being very hard on yourself. Please don't treat yourself like this!!!! Boo on that! I am sorry you had that experience in high school, honestly, but I am extremely certain that you have brought many other wonderful things to life. I hope you remember those as well..... they count!!!!

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SWEETNSKINNY 5/22/2011 2:39PM

    I cannot dance for the life of me. I feel ridiculous, and am sure I look even worse! But, I made the decision to just not care, and have fun! And now, I love it. I did zumba and the first time I was so critical of myself. I went again telling myself it didnt matter how I looked and to just have fun..and i did! Try again, and just HAVE FUN!

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Probably Just Cheaper to Learn to Love Myself...

Thursday, May 19, 2011

**ANNOUNCEMENT**

I have a large chest.

I always have. It's the one part of me that has not gotten bigger over the course of time. Since it's so nicely-proportioned now, it's clear that I was very voluptuous back in the day.

Nope, it hasn't gotten bigger.

It's gotten longer!

I knew this would happen someday. I didn't quite think it would happen pre-children, pre-thirty, but I knew it would happen.

So aware was I that at the age of 20, I looked into what could be done in such a situation. Enter the breast lift!

Yesterday, I was washing my hands and looked in the mirror and saw 2 inches of cleavage. Not lovely cleavage. LONG cleavage, and I thought, omigod, it's time.

Then I thought about my mortgage, my student loans, my retirement, doggie outfits, make-up, massages, and the rest, and that's when I realized

it's probably just cheaper to learn to love myself and my boobs.

How do you do that?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JECKIE 5/21/2011 8:29AM

    Hah! Learn to love good bras! They will literally change everything.

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BEATLETOT 5/21/2011 8:04AM

    Oh, when he said "roundness," I heard "promise," so now I kind of get it....but who's nos?

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BEATLETOT 5/21/2011 7:59AM

    Ruth!

I asked my husband what that meant, and it doesn't make sense to either of us! What's the rest of the poem?

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RUTHXG 5/21/2011 12:15AM

    P.S.

"y hasta la redondez de una fruta nos hace estremecer."

I just had a funny flashback to learning that poem when I was in high school. I was highly amused by that line.

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RUTHXG 5/21/2011 12:14AM

    You know, this is the best blog title I've seen for quite a while.

I do not have the problem of "length"--quite the opposite. But I can testify that we CAN learn to love our various bodily parts just as they are, even as we age. Because we really are wonderfully made--it's amazing how our bodies are continually working to stay alive & healthy. So be kind to your body!

Also, remember that leaning over a sink will lengthen anyone's cleavage--it's probably not as long as it looked at that moment.

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JMCADE 5/20/2011 7:29PM

    Just be glad they are 'healthy' boobs. Clothes can cover a multitide of issues. I think we need to learn to love ourselves the way we are before we even begin to think of change.

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EYES_ON_THEPRAZ 5/20/2011 12:03PM

    Ugh, i hate and am learning to love my boobs. They're large, long, and unproportioned. (My right boobs is at least a cup size bigger than the left.) They have faded but visible stretch markies all over! I've dreamed about getting a reduction (or at least a one boob reduction), but I'm just trying to learn to love them... with a good bra, it's a little easier.

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BOBBIEED 5/20/2011 8:00AM

    Oh hon I am so sorry. My grandmother used to joke she was just going to toss her over her sholder to get them out of the way. Now I am the grandmother and I understand. *LOL*

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HOPESINGH 5/20/2011 6:26AM

    Well, look at the positive side - you've had a perfect breast for a while. Some of us, on the other hand, hardly ever had any... emoticon (An A cup is usually a little too big for me...)
But seriously - yeah, love yourself. It's not exactly an easy solution, but much better on the long run

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MELLIL 5/19/2011 9:49PM

    ROFL! I don't KNOW!!! I'm 53 and what was once merely long is now loooooong! I still haven't learned to LOVE them... but I've probably accepted that they are mine... til death do us part! emoticon

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GRYPHON55 5/19/2011 9:11PM

    Go to Macys and ask for the bra fitting. It's free, non-invasive (they measure you over your current bra, and will not go into the room with you, or even look at you if that's how you want it) and I got the best bra fit ever. The woman brought in literally 30 different bras over 45 minutes, until I found the one that worked for me. It hikes the girls up but doesn't gouge my shoulders, and it was very affordable.

And waaaay cheaper and less painful than a boob job, I'm sure!

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16...

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

...measly calories OVER today. Broke my streak, which, granted, was only three days (today would have been four), but still...darn!

At least I know I was 16 calories over, because I measured and tracked EVERYTHING today!

On the other hand, I can't fudge any of the numbers, because I measured and tracked EVERYTHING today! emoticon

Go, emoticon!

Today was kind of an icky day, in general. Nothing happened really, but I was just crabby. A little strength training is planned for the evening, followed by a little vocal training after that.

Love!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ONESPOTLEFT 5/19/2011 1:56PM

    16 calories is nothing really to worry about. Drink more water, lots of water, and walk more even if it is only during your breaks. I find the water does make me walk more (back and forth to the ladies room)

There will always be someone that is thinner than I, or prettier than I so I stopped comparing myself to others and compare myself to earlier versions of me when I was less on the scale and felt better health wise...

Since I stopped comparing myself to everyone else I love myself more and I am happier within

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AMYLONGHORN 5/19/2011 7:27AM

    That's IT? 16 calories over and you get a red dot? Good grief! Great job measuring and tracking everything!!! Hope today is better...no crabbiness and getting a blue dot! Do it to it sister!!!

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MAGGIENCALI 5/18/2011 10:38PM

    Tomorrow is a new day!!!

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JMCADE 5/18/2011 8:29PM

    Think of those points you get for measuring!! and only 16 points not bad at all.

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ANNASBF 5/18/2011 8:04PM

    Ahhh leave it to diligent tracking and honest entries to reach back and give you a wedgie! I'm more concerned that you are crabby because all the good work you are doing otherwise will pay for itself just fine.... even if it messes with your streak jones. A 4 day streak is a good start so a bit of a darn is understandable.... I hope your vocalizing or your strength stuff helps you un-crab!!
! emoticon (a crab pretending he's a spider.... closest I could get....)

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KAREN_NY 5/18/2011 6:39PM

    The "down side" to tracking everything, lol! :) You're doin' fine, and you're gonna feel great by the end of the day!
K:)

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EYES_ON_THEPRAZ 5/18/2011 6:01PM

    Darn! BUT... I think the fact that you measured every single thing is a huge victory!

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