Friday, September 10, 2010
Well, since I have been away I have moved halfway round the world, back to Canada! My hubby got a posting for 2 years to a place less than 3 hours away from my family - which is AMAZING, but at the same time, it was a move with 5 weeks notice, then a 2 week stall in the UK where we were in transit housing because our place in Canada wasn't ready. This meant in total about 4 weeks of not having the option of cooking/eating properly at home, and as a result of that, and poor choices on my part (I dont cope with stress very gracefully some times!!) I have put on just over 20 lbs, and have been completely lax about my fitness. No point in worrying about it now, cause the damage has been done. Now that the move is done, and we are relatively settled in our new home, I NEED to get back to focusing on myself, or I will end up right back where I was. I WILL NOT go back over that 200 lb mark. Day one starts today!! :) I can't wait to be feeling better about myself again.
Well, gotta run! Off to Aquasize this morning!! :)
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
I went to do a photo shoot this past weekend with a group of my girlfriends - I thought it might be a giggle...I never thought that it might be a day of amazing growth and realization for me...
I was talked into it a week before after a few bottles of wine..."He is a fantastic photographer..." I was intrigued, and thought that I might enjoy the day out, even if the pictures turned out a bit rubbish.
All of the other girls were eagerly discussing the lingerie shots that they were planning, and how nervous they were to be considering nude shots, and all that I could think about was my saggy tummy... my sad, droopy breasts...the excess skin left over from losing over 100 lbs...not particularly sexy...maybe this wasn't such a great idea after all!! I am not a "lingerie" kind of girl. I tend to stick with comfort over fashion at the best of times, so I was really at a loss as to what I was going to do!
The other girls that I was going with were all slim and stunning - three of them had breast implants and one a tummy tuck (after significant weight loss), and there was me...once again the "fat girl" of the group...isn't it sad that even after all of my fantastic accomplishments regarding my weight and body image that my head automatically went there?? Crazy.
Anyhow, as the week wore on I felt sick every time I thought of what we were going to do, and the morning that we left for the studio, I was feeling faint and overcome completely with sheer terror. What on earth did I think I was doing??
Eventually we got to the studio, and one of the girls who had done a shoot with the photographer before went first, and let us all watch so that we knew what was coming. You do your nude shots first, so that you get the worst over with, and don't have any strap marks etc on your skin. She did some headshots first, then confidently dropped her robe and took a deep breath - it was over within minutes, and we were all admiring her amazing photos. She looked absolutely AMAZING!! I was so proud of her!
I retreated to the dressing room while the other girls took turns getting their first sets of shots taken...I sat and just stared at myself in the mirror. All I could see was fat thighs, stretch marks, rolls, flaws...just UGLY. I burst into tears and hid fro the other girls - what the hell was I thinking??? Who did I think I was trying to be?? I didn't feel like I had any right to be there, and just wanted to leave and forget the fact that I thought I could do this. It was horrible! I haven't felt that bad about myself since I started my weight loss journey.
Thank goodness for amazing friends!! The other girls took me in hand, dried my tears, got me a glass of wine ;) and got me take a few deep breaths. I took a few minutes to myself and just came to the conclusion that if I walked away from this now, then I would regret it for a very long time. breathe deep and get out there and tackle this just like I had tackled my weight loss issues, or my fear of going to the gym and exercising in public, or my fear of running...I COULD DO THIS!!
So, eventually I was the last one who had not taken my first set of pictures... The photographer was really kind, and said if I wasn't ready I could wait a bit more. I said "Nope. Let's do this." Trying to sound more confident than I actually was. I told the girls they could stay if they wanted to, but he kicked them out. I think he knew that I needed to do this one on my own.
We started out with some headshots...getting comfortable with being quite up close and personal with each other - he was BRILLIANT. Kind and encouraging...showing me the differences in the expressions that he was drawing out of me on the various pictures - small changes that affected the entire mood of a shot. It was amazing.
Then he said - "okay, I think we have it...what do you want now??" I explained about the weight loss - how uncomfortable I was with certain bits of my body, but that I wanted a shot for my husband, either of me wearing a sheet, or a sheer dressing gown. Before I knew it, I was on the floor, with my hips swathed in sheer black cloth, and he was snapping away.
I didn't feel embarrassed of my body...I didn't feel afraid of the camera...ME, who spent YEARS hiding my body behind anything available the minute I saw a camera - furniture, friends, children,,,whatever was available! There I was - completely naked on the floor of a studio, with some man taking pictures of me... SURREAL!!!
When he showed me the pictures, my immediate reaction was "Oh my god look at how fat I am still!!" Until the photographer started pointing out things like "See how the light hits your lips there, THAT is what is sexy about this picture"...then we called the other girls in to see... I am such a lucky woman to have such supportive and loving friends!! I will never forget the wonderful and kind things that they said about me when they saw those pictures...and suddenly, I wanted to do some more!!! After all, what was wearing some lingerie?? I had just done naked pictures - NAKED!!! ME!!!!!
By the end of the day I was on a high...running around the studio with the rest of the girls in my underwear...and somehow, in the course of 7 hours, I became PROUD of my body, and amazed at how by sheer will I had transformed it from a 280 lb+ giant couch potato to THIS:
That's MY body.
My body that has grown and nurtured and fed three amazing babies.
My body that has been overfed and under loved for too many years.
My body that I had taken 107 lbs off of.
My body that I have pushed to breaking point on a spinning bike and an elliptical trainer and pounding the pavement.
My body that will carry me through a triathlon in 8 weeks time.
MY BODY that I am PROUD of.
My body that is BEAUTIFUL.
One rainy Sunday is all that it took for me to realize many things... that I am worth all of the hard work...that the results ARE showing...that I still have a ways to go...that I WILL get there...and that I had it in me the whole time....
I have always been beautiful... it has just been a long many years since I have loved myself enough to notice and actually believe it.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
So I had a visit from a lady today regarding one of my kids, but I was running late after spinning class and a quick stop at the store for some bits for dinner. I hadn't met this lady before, but we ended up getting to my house at the same time fortunately, and as I was getting the kids in from the car and getting her settled with a cup of tea, I was apologizing for running late...
Me: "So sorry if you had been waiting long, I was at the gym this morning..."
Her: "Gym? You are so slim! You don't look like you need to go to the gym!"
Me: (Jaw on the floor and near fainting with joy) "Well, that is how I got down to this size, and I love it, so I guess I still need it..."
HOLY MACKEREL!!! ME??? So slim???
Honestly? My first reaction is to laugh, because when I look in the mirror all I see are imperfections, and all of the weight that I still have to lose...but when I sat down and thought about it, Hot Damn that makes me proud of all of the hard work I have put in!
I am just going to take it as a hard earned compliment and carry on...just a bit lighter in my heart today.
Hope you all have a fab day too!!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
So, since just before Christmas, when I hit that magic 100 lbs down, I feel like I have done nothing but lose and regain the same 5 ish pounds. My eating and tracking have gone out the window, my workouts are becoming few and far betwwen, and I am finding old habits resurfacing and the excuses "not to" are starting to overwhelm my thinking.
It is frustrating and demoralizing, because it feels like all of the hard work I have put in the past year is being pushed to the side by my own crappy attitude! :(
I just want to get back to where I was 6 months or so ago: enjoying my workouts, pushing myself hard, careful with my eating, and taking good care of myself.
I have tried "starting fresh" and reevaluating my goals, I have entred in a triathlon in July for a new challenge, we have a new spinning instructor, which is helping to keep my workouts fresh...but nothing seems to work in keeping my attention where it should be. I know that the problem is me, and I am sure there is a lesson in all of this that I need to take with me in order to progress and grow, but right now I just cannot see what it is and I am feeling so negative at the moment that I just don't know how to shake this crappy headspace.
I am 30-40 lbs from goal, and I need to find my momentum again for this last push. How? I feel like I am "bad" because even after all this tme I still fall into the same bloody traps. I am so angry with myself for getting to this point. Then I feel frustrated with myself for being so silly and allowing negative self talk like that to dictate how I feel about myself. Arrrgghh!!! What a silly cycle of self fulfilling stupidity! :S
I need to figure out what will motivate me to get back on track for this final push. Whatwas motivating me before that is missing now? Have my priorities changed? Do my goals need to?? *sigh* I am just so fed up with myself and my poor attitude at the moment. How do I get back on track in my own head? I am pretty sure that is where the problem lies!
Thursday, December 10, 2009
I cannot believe that I have actually made it to this point...things have slowed down so much the past few months, and with all the holiday hoopla the past few weeks I was wondering in the back of my head if I was ever going to actually make it!!
I am in the 170's...I cannot remember the last time I weighed this little...it was well over 10 years ago! Wow.
It is strange in a way, because I still feel like I have so far to go, yet, in reality, I have already succeeded far beyond what I ever thought possible!! I am proud of myself, yet still unsatisfied, and increasingly frustrated at how slowly my progress is moving at the minute...but I guess that is something I need to accept and learn from.
100 lbs in 9 months is FANTASTIC, and if you had told me last year that this is where I would be now, I would have laughed...and yet I still feel as though I could be doing more. :S it is dfficult to know where to draw the line. i need this to be sustainable for the rest of my life, so taking measures that I cannot live with long term is out of the question, but on theother hand I want to push myself to do more! lol.
Regardless, I am going home to see my fmaily for the first time in 3 years, and will be spending 3 weeks with them, so this will be an interesting time for me. I fully intend to enjoy my holidays, and stay MOSTLY on track. i plan to exercise, and to watch my food and to track for all but a few days. If I come home having maintained my weight, or even with a small (under 5 lbs) gain over the three weeks, I will be happy, as I know that come January my focus will be back on the fitness full time, as I am training for a triathalon in July. :)
I think that is the difference this time. This is a complete lifestyle change, not a diet. This is not a temporary fix, this is my life now, and I will not go back to the way I was. I have faith in myself enough now to know that I can do it. :)
What an amazing year...I can't wait to see what 2010 will bring!! :)
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