Monday, September 03, 2012
Had my "off" day yesterday according to my new carb cycling program. And I had planned for it all week.
I am a huge fan of Panera Bread's cobblestone roll with my breakfast. Mmm. Mmmm. So all week long when I thought of it I got to say, no, wait for Sunday. This happened about 3 times during the week. That shows what a problem this is. But, anyone can wait 6 days or less, right? I also wanted an oyster po' boy so since I had to work in the resort community where that restaurant is located, I figured that would be my dinner. And then, since it is the first of the month, that is also my ice cream treat, once a month. My plan. Because I can wait 30 days for ice cream. (Most of the time.)
So, Sunday arrived. I was off to Panera for my Sunday paper and breakfast before working at the pool. I ordered. I ate. I went to work.
After work I went and picked up my dinner, dropped off my timesheet, had a little conversation with my boss and headed home. So I had to re-heat the po boy. And the wings I got for an appetizer. Wrong sauce on the wings! Uggh. Not what you want when you have waited all week and now it is 6 days to next "off" day. The oyster po boy was awesome.
And then it hit me! I forgot, yes, I forgot, to have my cobblestone for breakfast! What? How did that happen??
Awesome really. I mean that means I am weaning off of it again. (I use to have them rarely and only half then.) I was actually very pleased with this.
So, as far as I was concerned, Sunday was a win. Probably a little too much food, but it was my first off day! And I won't have fried foods often because that frying, just gassed me up! I am pretty much eating clean and almost raw so the fried just puffed me up!
Today, I ate well--so glad I went right back on program--and I swam!! I SWAM again. I worked it out so I could do this between the thunder storms. It wasn't epic, 15 minutes of laps (Tabata style, one lap, 10 seconds rest) and then 10 minutes of deep water jogging, and then 20 minutes of just swimming and playing. Finished with 2 "laps" of walk forward, walk back, walk forward, walk back in the pool. It is amazing how that works your legs out.
I feel so strong now. So awesome. I feel right now like I can do anything! I have iced my shoulder and taken Ibuprofen. I am working on taking care of the shoulder pain I have had for 3 weeks.
The truth is. I feel like I have turned a major corner. I have a lot of work to do. I still need to work on my vision for my future as I take the pounds off, but I feel like I am now headed in the right direction. I need your support and encouragement. But I know that this has to be MY journey to begin with. It may have taken me a year to learn this, but I hope I don't forget. I am not my sister and my body will not respond or act like hers. I am not my trainers and the same goes.
I am me. I have to live with me. I have to put up with me. I can listen to other suggestions and thoughts, but what I choose to do in the end has to be for me.
I love feeling healthier! I am running to embrace it!
Saturday, September 01, 2012
So today is September 1. Today begins a new promise to myself. It was an ugly summer and I knew it. I had to step back and get it all together. I spent the last 2 weeks planning, prepping and taking it all back. I promised myself that BY September 1 I would go back on plan.
And I did, actually on August 27. I have been eating better and moving more. I wasn't perfect, but I know I never will be. I will shoot for perfection as I do everything else in my life, but I will live my life too. But, the key here is that it will be MY life.
I had lost 85 lbs. And then people started to notice. And then they wanted to own me. And I let them. My sister is very judgmental. And it didn't matter to her that I had lost all this weight on my own, she now wanted her say and her criticism and her plans for me to creep into my plans. And I let it. And the gym I was going to did the same. They had new ideas and plans for me. And I listened and followed. And it all came crashing down. I gained weight back.
So today, I owned up to that on the scale. Tomorrow (because I forgot today) I will own up to it on the measuring tape. But I am taking my life back. For one month I am trying Chris Powell's carb cycling. But if I am not happy in one month with the results (and if I am honest about how hard I worked at it), then we will go from there. If that doesn't work, then I am going TOTALLY back to what I did at the beginning, 2 years ago.
For exercise, I am going back to swimming (at least for September while I still have my swim card) and walking. I will go to the gym to lift weights when I can, but I need to find a new gym. Now that it is Fall their hours of 8:30am - 10:00am and 3:15pm-4:30pm won't work for me. They have one session in the mornings at 6:00am but then the next is at 8:30??? And two or three nights a week they have sessions at 5:30pm. I don't know how they think working people are suppose to get there. I will see about trying the 6:00am. And I will try the 5:30pm. But since what I do is lift weights there, I will walk, I will swim, and I will likely look for a new gym to lift at.
It wasn't easy stepping on that scale this morning. But it had to be done. Because I promised myself a while ago this had to get turned around. And I made the mistake of not "owning" up to my starting weight when I began this process and regretted it later since I still have to guess at how much weight I lost.
It's time. It's time for all of us. If you have weight you want to lose or exercise you want to start, it is probably your time to (of course with your doctor's permission if you see one). Join me.
And at the very least, I will report back here on October 1 how September went. But another goal is to again be more active here. Among my friends. The ones who buoy me up when I need it, the ones who make valid suggestions, and the ones who challenge me when I need to be challenged.
Let's go. September is already 9 hours old and I haven't had breakfast!!
Thursday, July 19, 2012
After 1.75 years of "treating myself well" suddenly something in me crashed and I decided I wasn't worth it anymore.
No. Not really.
And after a couple months of wondering what happened, why I am this way? Why would I go back from feeling so good inside and better outside to feeling like I am a stuffed sausage again?
And now, after those couple of months wondering I think it comes down to this for me: The work of saying "no" had become too hard.
That's it. That's the easy. I just stopped saying "no" to myself when faced with choices.
There are truly all sorts of excuses I have said to myself. I am hurt by things my mother did years, decades, ago and I can't even talk to her about it anymore (she is dead). My family treats me unfairly. My middle son talks to me rarely. My job has been a roller coaster ever since our product line was sold. There are financial issues. I am so alone. I am not as strong as XXXXX. I am not as thin as XXXXX (anyone!!). I am/was not losing weight as quickly as XXXXXX. I am going to die alone, so who cares?
The truth is it seems that these aren't excuses, even if we call them that. These are actually hindrances. Things that stand in MY way and keep me from getting where I was headed! They are road blocks. They are in my way. And I am letting them stay on my path to H-E-A-L-T-H-Y!
So I am not going to take it anymore. Yes, they are probably issues (some of them) that I need to handle and I need to deal with. But there is no reason I can't and shouldn't handle and deal with them while moving in the right direction. If I stand still and let these excuses continue, then that brick wall that is blocking my path just gets stronger and thicker and higher! I have to start taking it down one brick at a time.
So, yeah, my mom may have hurt me in things she did. But they can't be changed. Two ways to look at this: If she did really hurt me and not want me (as I have suspected), I can't change that. I can only change how I respond to that poor parenting by moving past it and being the person I want to be. Not what she thought I should be. And the alternative, what if she never did mean to hurt me? What if she loved me the best she could? Well then why should I spent time wallowing in self pity over it? She wouldn't want that. She would want me to make the best of my life. Move on.
Same things apply to my family and my middle son. I can choose to try to fix it/understand it, or I can decide that I can't change it from where I am at and, again, have to do what is right for me.
My job. Again I have choices. I am looking for another job, but at the same time I have conditions. And my current job has now settled down a bit. I have now had the same boss for at least 4 weeks! That's a record in the past 9 months! So, time for this to not be an excuse either.
Financially, I got a second job. While these few hours and the pay rate aren't sending me any more than an extra $50 a week right now, that still amounts to a potential $2500 a year, right? And that is more than I would get just sitting at home during those hours on Saturday/Sunday. So, for now. It stays too.
I am alone. Except in the summer when my youngest is home and this could be the last summer for that. Yes, I volunteer and get out in the community to try to meet people, but in 3 years nothing has yet "clicked". It will or it won't. But beating myself up and stuffing and extra scoop of ice cream in my gullet isn't going to make me friends either, unless of course I am out eating it with them and not in the privacy of my own home. So until that happens, I am back to one ice cream treat a month, on the first on the month. It worked for me. I knew it was coming and it never seemed that far away. So why now do I seem to NEED it's company at least 4 times a week??? No ice cream. You do not fill the loneliness. Not by a long shot.
And the stronger than, thinner than, losing weight quicker than... Well. I found this quote and it made such beautiful, perfect sense to me that I am trying to take it to heart and live it--it's not easy, but I try:
"Winners compare their achievements with their goals, while losers compare their achievements with those of other people."
I want to be a winner. I expect to be a winner. I plan to be a winner. But I am only going to lose when I compare myself to 10 other people in the rate at which I lose weight. Someone of those 10 is going to lose weight faster, it's a given, and then I am a loser. And in my weightlifting, someone is always going to be stronger. The point is that I can be stronger than I was the last time. If I try to be stronger than someone who is stronger than me, then I am going to fail and probably hurt myself.
For all of this I have to have my plan. I have to move at my pace. I have to celebrate what I am doing and not look around me and say: "Ugggh. They lost 7 pounds this week and I only lost 1." OR "Wow, they just deadlifted 255 pounds and I can only deadlift 245." We all have our days. We all have our wins.
Yes, there will always be a little envy when you post that you lost 200 pounds or that you deadlifted twice your body weight. But, I will stick to my plan and my goals and I will celebrate yours for you!
Now, back to learning to say "NO"!
Sunday, July 15, 2012
I have a plan, finally! I am using the Spark nutrition tracker and have developed some MEALS that I made into groupings so it will be easy to track and assign those things I eat on a either routine or rotating basis. My calorie range given my size and exercise level is 2300-2600.
I am going to walk at least 2 times each week, in addition to my weightlifting. If it is too hot outside, I have a Leslie Sansone DVD with the 1 mile, 2 mile, 3 mile and 4 mile workouts. I also have some other cardio DVDs and there is always SP's online 10 minute videos.
I am going to start swimming again. At least 2 times a week, even if it is simply before/after my job at the pool on the weekends.
I am going to work to blog more and to check in on my friends here more. I was most successful when I stopped my pity party and started celebrating all my friends here and all my successes.
I won't go back to my max weight ever.
I am going to get back to my max loss soon! And I am going to continue on. I am going to visualize and try to remember what if felt like when I was a nice 160 or 170 lbs.
I am going to hope that you will walk with me on this journey. That we can walk beside each other as friends, that sometimes I will walk behind you to "push" you along, sometimes you will be behind me kicking by butt! Please brag to me about what you have accomplished! I want to share in your joys and your trials too! This is the beauty of SP. Friends are friends in this world. There are things here we can share that we would never share with anyone in our real worlds. We are usually non-judgmental but criticize in a positive helpful manner.
Yeah, that's what I want. Along with my desire to lose another 50 pounds and then 40 pounds and then another 30 and then another 25 and then another 15 and then another 10 and then another 10 and then another 10 and then another 5 those last 5! And along the way, I am going to learn to love myself for who I am. Underneath all this obesity, there is a pretty great person. Not perfect. But pretty great. And I have to face that truth. I am me, whether at 170 lbs or 370 lbs. But, at less than 370 lbs. I get to be me and indulge myself in those things I have been prevented from or keeping myself from doing.
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