Friday, December 19, 2014
This Is How We Date Now
by Jamie Varon
We don’t commit now. We don’t see the point. They’ve always said there are so many fish in the sea, but never before has that sea of fish been right at our fingertips on OkCupid, Tinder, Grindr, Dattch, take your pick. We can order up a human being in the same way we can order up pad thai on Seamless. We think intimacy lies in a perfectly-executed string of emoji. We think effort is a “good morning” text. We say romance is dead, because maybe it is, but maybe we just need to reinvent it. Maybe romance in our modern age is putting the phone down long enough to look in each other’s eyes at dinner. Maybe romance is deleting Tinder off your phone after an incredible first date with someone. Maybe romance is still there, we just don’t know what it looks like now.
When we choose—if we commit—we are still one eye wandering at the options. We want the beautiful cut of filet mignon, but we’re too busy eyeing the mediocre buffet, because choice. Because choice. Our choices are killing us. We think choice means something. We think opportunity is good. We think the more chances we have, the better. But, it makes everything watered-down. Never mind actually feeling satisfied, we don’t even understand what satisfaction looks like, sounds like, feels like. We’re one foot out the door, because outside that door is more, more, more. We don’t see who’s right in front of our eyes asking to be loved, because no one is asking to be loved. We long for something that we still want to believe exists. Yet, we are looking for the next thrill, the next jolt of excitement, the next instant gratification.
We soothe ourselves and distract ourselves and, if we can’t even face the demons inside our own brain, how can we be expected to stick something out, to love someone even when it’s not easy to love them? We bail. We leave. We see a limitless world in a way that no generation before us has seen. We can open up a new tab, look at pictures of Portugal, pull out a Visa, and book a plane ticket. We don’t do this, but we can. The point is that we know we can, even if we don’t have the resources to do so. There are always other tantalizing options. Open up Instagram and see the lives of others, the life we could have. See the places we’re not traveling to. See the lives we’re not living. See the people we’re not dating. We bombard ourselves with stimuli, input, input, input, and we wonder why we’re miserable. We wonder why we’re dissatisfied. We wonder why nothing lasts and everything feels a little hopeless. Because, we have no idea how to see our lives for what they are, instead of what they aren’t.
And, even if we find it. Say we find that person we love who loves us. Commitment. Intimacy. “I love you.” We do it. We find it. Then, quickly, we live it for others. We tell people we’re in a relationship on Facebook. We throw our pictures up on Instagram. We become a “we.” We make it seem shiny and perfect because what we choose to share is the highlight reel. We don’t share the 3am fights, the reddened eyes, the tear-stained bedsheets. We don’t write status updates about how their love for us shines a light on where we don’t love ourselves. We don’t tweet 140 characters of sadness when we’re having the kinds of conversations that can make or break the future of our love. This is not what we share. Shiny picture. Happy couple. Love is perfect.
Then, we see these other happy, shiny couples and we compare. We are The Emoji Generation. Choice Culture. The Comparison Generation. Measuring up. Good enough. The best. Never before have we had such an incredible cornucopia of markers for what it looks like to live the Best Life Possible. We input, input, input and soon find ourselves in despair. We’ll never be good enough, because what we’re trying to measure up to just does not f*cking exist. These lives do not exist. These relationships do not exist. Yet, we can’t believe it. We see it with our own eyes. And, we want it. And, we will make ourselves miserable until we get it.
So, we break up. We break up because we’re not good enough, our lives aren’t good enough, our relationship isn’t good enough. We swipe, swipe, swipe, just a bit more on Tinder. We order someone up to our door just like a pizza. And, the cycle starts again. Emoji. “Good morning” text. Intimacy. Put down the phone. Couple selfie. Shiny, happy couple. Compare. Compare. Compare. The inevitable creeping in of latent, subtle dissatisfaction. The fights. “Something is wrong, but I don’t know what it is.” “This isn’t working.” “I need something more.” And, we break up. Another love lost. Another graveyard of shiny, happy couple selfies.
On to the next. Searching for the elusive more. The next fix. The next gratification. The next quick hit. Living our lives in 140 characters, 5 second snaps, frozen filtered images, four minute movies, attention here, attention there. More as an illusion. We worry about settling, all the while making ourselves suffer thinking that anything less than the shiny, happy filtered life we’ve been accustomed to is settling. What is settling? We don’t know, but we f*cking don’t want it. If it’s not perfect, it’s settling. If it’s not glittery filtered love, settling. If it’s not Pinterest-worthy, settling.
We realize that this more we want is a lie. We want phone calls. We want to see a face we love absent of the blue dim of a phone screen. We want slowness. We want simplicity. We want a life that does not need the validation of likes, favorites, comments, upvotes. We may not know yet that we want this, but we do. We want connection, true connection. We want a love that builds, not a love that gets discarded for the next hit. We want to come home to people. We want to lay down our heads at the end of our lives and know we lived well, we lived the f*ck out of our lives. This is what we want even if we don’t know it yet.
Yet, this is not how we date now. This is not how we love now. TC mark
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Christmas light display???
Not sure why the link doesn't work with Sparkpeople :( It's the correct youtube link. Might have to click, copy, and paste....well that sucks.
Monday, December 15, 2014
Is this guy for real!? My honey (together 14yrs) but not married and no plans to be. My views on marriage are for another blog.....My honey and I found this article to be hilarious! For my couples out there, how do you feel about cheating without even knowing you are cheating nonsense?
10 ways you are being unfaithful to your spouse — and you don't even know it
Gary and Joy Lundberg
Being alert to ways spouses can be unfaithful to their mates is vital. These 10 behaviors can lead to the ultimate unfaithfulness. Learn them and be on guard. Having an affair is not even on your radar. Never gonna happen. You love your spouse and you'd never be unfaithful to her or him. However, you may be unaware of other ways you are being unfaithful. If these actions continue, you may find yourself on the slippery slope that leads to that never-intended affair and a sorrow you never wanted in your life.
Unfaithfulness usually creeps in through the back door, disguising itself as harmless fun or innocent behavior. If you want your marriage to endure and be filled with happiness you may need to check this list to see if you have fallen prey to any of these unfaithful behaviors.
Having a little playful fun at the office with a co-worker can't be too bad, you may rationalize. After all, flirting is fun. Avoid it like the plague. It's dangerous. If someone flirts with you, ignore it. What falls into the category of flirting? Here's one explanation of what flirting is. "[It] usually involves speaking and behaving in a way that suggests a mildly greater intimacy than the actual relationship between the parties would justify, though within the rules of social etiquette, which generally disapproves of a direct expression of sexual interest. This may be accomplished by communicating a sense of playfulness or irony... Body language can include flicking the hair, eye contact, brief touching, etc."
Married people should never engage in this type of behavior with anyone other than their spouse. It is a full-on form of unfaithfulness that leads to no good. The one you're flirting with may take it as an invitation and pursue a relationship you never intended.
2. Confiding in the opposite gender
When you pour out your troubles to someone of the opposite gender you are putting yourself in a vulnerable position. It may seem harmless. After all, you just needed a shoulder to cry on. If you've got a problem, talk about it with your spouse. That's your best-ever shoulder to cry on. If that's not working for you, try a trusted relative, clergyman, or therapist. Not someone who may consider this an invitation for intimacy. Even if it doesn't start that way, too often it ends that way. It's a form of unfaithfulness.
3. Spending time alone with someone else
What appears to be an innocent lunch out with someone of the opposite sex or stopping by for a chat at that someone's home without your spouse is definitely in the category of unfaithful behavior. You or the other person may say, "Hey, we're both adults. Nothing's going to happen." Well, things do happen. It's not appropriate. Go home and spend that time with your spouse.
4. Talking negatively about your mate
When you are a true friend to someone you never say bad things about them to others. Your mate is your best friend and is the last person you should ever talk about negatively. If you have a beef with your honey, talk it out with him or her. Let your conversations with others focus on the good things about your spouse. That's being faithful. The exception here is abuse. If abuse is happening it needs to be reported to a trusted friend, counselor, and the police. You must keep yourself safe.
5. Chatting on the Internet with someone of the opposite sex
If you think this is harmless, think again. It may start out that way, but it definitely won't end that way. Some have engaged in what they considered innocent talk with a former boyfriend or girlfriend from high school or college days, or even a stranger. One thing can lead to another and before you know it, your marriage is in jeopardy. Don't do it. It will only end in sorrow and heartbreak for your family.
6. Dressing to attract the attention of someone other than your spouse
If you're dressing up to look good for someone else, you need to reexamine your motives. Trying to attract someone else by wearing a sexy looking outfit is one more way to jump into unfaithful waters.
7. Writing personal intimate notes or letters to someone else
If you're writing a letter of condolence or congratulations, or other good wishes, let it be from both you and your spouse. Then there will be no misunderstanding about your intentions.
8. Not being a willing sexual partner with your spouse
Being faithful to your spouse means giving yourself over to him or her to enjoy the intimate side of your marriage. To withhold sexual intimacy from your spouse if not doing your part in keeping your marriage strong and fulfilling. It creates sorrow and even suspicion. Being a faithful spouse means doing your part to make it a beautiful relationship in all aspects.
9. Putting your parents before your spouse
Your spouse must always be the number one person in your life. If something wonderful happens to you, like a promotion, a confirmation of a pregnancy, or any other good news, you may be tempted to immediately call a parent to share in the joy. Resist. Let your spouse be the first to know your good news. Then share it with others.
Need more convincing? Check out 5 reasons why it's important to put your spouse before your parents.
10. Putting your children before your spouse
Kids matter. They are very important people in your life, but not more important than your spouse. If you knock your spouse off the top of your priority list you are not showing total fidelity to him or her. Your mate must come first. Not only does it cement your marriage and make it stronger, it gives your children the best security blanket they will ever have.
Check yourself on these points and make sure you are being 100 percent faithful to your spouse. By doing this you will create a genuinely happy and fulfilling marriage.
Thursday, December 04, 2014
It's a long drive to LA and love making the trip each year to see my brother and his growing family! LOL Think there was 15 +1 (a joke only my oldest great niece, Jayden would get) in the house at one time. I say +1 because other than my brother's inlaws, they also invited a young man to dinner. My brother is a Pastor, so it's not unusual to have other guests for the Thanksgiving feast. Getting ahead of myself, let's start with CA stinks! At first, thought it was strange it kind of smelled like a water treatment plant when crossed the state border.....and maybe it was just me, until my oldest niece verified she too thought CA had a smell when they first stepped off the plane few years ago before they moved out west. I loved hearing the girls through the screen, barely had my door open~"It's aunt Kari!! She's here!" and I brought the Super Nintendo! I had a quick lunch and then we loaded up the kids, minus a nephew and some of the "grown ups" and headed into standstill traffic on the way to Six Flags. It was nice to watch the old 80's cartoon series of the Care Bears.......a half dozen times, lol.....you guys need to take more than one disc on road trips!
Aaaahhhh, the Thanksgiving feast started with cinnamon rolls....tightly, tiny rolled rolls but a huge pan (and then some!) The rule was everybody gets one until everybody gets one~I took four tiny ones covered in frosting, ta-dah! one roll! While the grown ups were prepping appetizers and the meal, us kids were watching the McDonald's Thanksgiving day parade in Chicago....and then the Macy's parade in NY. Once Santa Clause came down the lane, it was all business hooking up the SNES....almost a buzzkill when the cords were little too lose, or not making the connection, maybe just needed to be warmed up. It was pretty awesome once we got it going....but first the feast! One thing my family is great at is eating....and it was an awesome spread: the famed cheeseball, ham onion cream cheese wraps, stuffed jalapenoes,deviled eggs, stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy, some type of corn casserole, taffy apple pudding, and cranberry stuff!!! Pumpkin pie with a fancier name and chocolate pie.....more cinnamon rolls for dessert.
I may have failed to mention, the guest~Mark.....was quite dreamy, and apparently was an Elvis impersonator at one time to give you a hint on how dreamy. It was almost hard to believe such a good looking young guy was still single~until we were talking about how oldest niece, Ashley, doesn't like her food to touch and would love one of those separating sections plate. Jokingly, Mark stuffs a deviled egg and little Hawaiian bun in his mouth....first thought, instant egg salad sandwich-------->second said out loud thought, "No wonder you are still single!!" Oh! the ribbing and teasing.....it's on! Luckily, he has brothers (my heart skipped a bit when heard him say one was named Trent).
good hair day
Black Friday we went downtown LA to the Fashion District......interesting place, reminded me of videos dad would send home after walking the S Korean markets, minus the cow butts and vendors were speaking Spanish. I'm a little claustrophobic, just walking down the "alley" peering into the tiny shops with barely enough room for merchandise......some of which was obviously "bootleg". And something hadn't seen since living overseas, paying someone to use the "public restrooms" and attendant hands you toilet paper as you go in, paper towel as you go out. In one of the little corner shops of the alley, a young boy was selling birds, guinea pigs and little baby rabbits.
We couldn't tell if Connie was being sarcastic when said they could have a bunny if kept it outside. Little 'shady' when signs posted say no pictures, no returns, no refunds...other than fact a boy was making the sale. The girls, Sofia mainly because was to be her pet, picked out a smokey grey little bunny. Price and what originally said was going to get for that price got haggle. Maybe hour to get back to the car, and the little bunny wasn't looking so good. I think he just got overheated, unusually warm day in LA, over 80* a dark colored rabbit and no water, no shade.....by the time got it back to the house, it had kicked the bucket :( Having to see if the little guy was still alive, and then the task of niece finding a replacement bunny~thank goodness for Craigslist. A slightly bigger baby bunny, white with grey ears.....pretty sure it's a girl, from what remember from mammology class and sexing an animal. Standing next to my sister in law, Connie, thinking how weird that sounds....and she looks at me and says "that sounds kind of weird, doesn't it?" "Yeah, was thinking the same thing, but that's the correct term for it", I replied. chuckled "I sexed it" Another secret about your aunt Kari ;)
After six years of making the trip, I almost got the direction back home correct. I say almost, because Brent where the light I'm supposed to go through at the beginning has two left turns no straight and a stop sign going the other direction.....paniced and started off in the wrong direction, but quickly corrected LOL I made it home safely~now to keep the SNES warmed up so can beat the Lion King next year.......
Monday, November 24, 2014
Out of all the mush articles on love and marriage, how to make it work, and the key to success......these simple text between a husband and wife are perfect examples of how my honey and I get along ;)
I Can Sum Up Marriage In These 11 Texts I've Sent My Husband
By Susannah B. Lewis
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