Sunday, November 10, 2013
October was not a good month for me as far as goals or my personal life. .I think one reflected the other. I really had a setback after my seizure at the end of Sept. I was very frustrated and angry that I had had another one. It left me with a broken nose, and badly bruised ribs.
So, I was unable to work out because of my ribs. I also ate too much, something I do when I feel down about things. But it was something I had not done for a long, long time. Needless to say the feeling of guilt was knocking at my door and walked right in, uninvited. So when I was weighed at the dr.'s last week, I had gained around 7 lbs. I felt terrible. Of course, I feel like I have failed myself. My clothes fit tighter, and not so comfortable. But....I do have goals for this month of November.
1.) I would like to regain control of my eating habits.
2.) Do not condemn myself if I fall. Just pick myself up when I hit the floor.
3.) Workout again, but do not overdo.
4.) Reach out to others when I feel down. Don't be afraid to ask for help or admit that I am only human. Being human means making mistakes.
5.) Learning by those mistakes.
6.) Lose at least 3-4 of those lbs. that I gained.
Normally, whenever I have felt this down about myself, I always did a wonderful job of isolating myself, completely. But I have not done that. I have gone to school to be with those kids, so that is another thing that has been so great about working as a foster grandma. I have also been able to go online almost everyday to SP. That is also another reason I love this site so much. So, my friends, I owe you, for you have given me a reason to go on, and not hide away from life. I thank you all for that.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
My most memorable Halloween is when I was about 8 or 9. I lived on a farm, 16 miles from the city, and at that time I went to Country School (a one room schoolhouse) with grades 1 through 8 in one school. We all came from farms around that area, so the total # of kids was around 8. Almost every year we would go trick or treating to the area farms. One year we asked our parents if we could go to the city, and go from door-to-door. My grandparents lived in a great area in town, so my parents said we could go around where my grandparents lived. It was a wonderful experience, one I will never forget. Including myself, there were 5 of us (my brother, and sisters) We saw more things relating to Halloween, than we had ever seen. And, of course, we got so much candy, and in such a short time. I thought that was so great. When we got home, we put all our candy in our individual piles. I could never remember seeing that much candy at one time. That is one Halloween I will never, ever forget, and I hope I don't.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Having Halloween treats around does bother me some. I don't usually bake anything unless I know I will be taking it somewhere for someone. When I buy candy, I usually put it in the freezer. That way it is out of sight, and when I do get a "craving" for it, I just grab a piece or two, and it takes longer to eat. It helps me. I don't buy a lot, and if I buy extra, I leave some over at my friends' apt, and he lives in the same building, so it makes it handy for me to just get a small amount when I want some.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
I love to decorate for Halloween. Because I live in an apartment, I can no longer decorate outside, which I miss a lot. So I decorate a lot in my apartment. With fall and Halloween at the same time, and with a lot of beautiful colors, it makes it that much more fun. I always find little things throughout the year that relate to Halloween, then put them out with any that I have had from last year. I even decorate in the bathroom a little. I guess because I live alone, I can decorate as much or as little as I want. I usually decorate a lot. I think it makes my apartment so much more "homey". I have an assortment of all kinds of things. I really look forward to this time of year, almost as much as Christmas. I don't usually do anything special for Halloween, but I might this year. I know at school with the 5th graders, they will probably do something. Tomorrow at work all the 5th grade teachers, and I are bringing all kinds of things (food, that is) that relate to Halloween. So I bought some tootsie pops, and wrapped each one in a napkin, and put an orange rubber band around the base of each tootsie pop, so it forms a head with the napkin making the rest of the napkin the body of the ghost. Then I added eyes to each. I made over 40 of them. They are so cute!!!! I have really enjoyed making them. Doing all these things makes Halloween that much more "special."
Thursday, September 26, 2013
I barely knew what a seizure was when I had my first one. I was 19, living on my own, had a job, a car, and what I thought was a great way of starting my life living away from home for the first time. That all came to a halt when I discovered I had seizures. I was in my apt. waiting for my brother to pick me up for work. I waited and waited. He finally came, saying he had been there, and called me on the phone. I thought he was just kidding me. Little did I know I had had a seizure. A couple of weeks later I was riding with my Dad when I had another. Then of course, my Dad knew what was wrong, as my Mom used to have them when Mom & Dad were first married. That was the beginning of a lot of changes in my life. My parents made an appointment with a neurologist, and I discovered I had epilepsy. The only reason he could come up with why I got them so late in life was because of a blow on my head when an ex-boyfriend beat me a year earlier. I was put on meds and my whole life changed. I had to move back with Mom & Dad, could not drive due to the seizures. So I had to depend on others (mostly, my Mom & Dad) for rides to work, or rides anywhere. I was so angry, and confused and kept asking "Why me?" I even wrote God a letter telling Him how angry I was at Him, asking Him what did I do to deserve this? The worst part of the seizures is having grand mal seizures, and not remembering anything about having one, waking up confused, and feeling like someone has hit me across the forehead with a baseball bat. I usually know right away that I have had one from just the way I feel.
Over the years I have had hundreds. I have almost drowned in a tub twice, (so I do not take baths anymore, just showers) been in 2 car accidents while I was driving. and at one time I had as many as 20 in a row. I have not driven for over 9 years. My last car accident I was going 65 down a highway, crossed over the median, and ended up in the field on the other side of the road. Fortunately, I did not kill my self or take someone with ). I did however hurt my neck, and arm. I ended up having some vertebreas replaced, and had roto cuff surgery. Some people were very understanding about my seizures, but others were not ( even a few members of my family) I was on many different meds, and had side effects from many of them. I got tremors from several of them. I shook so bad, I could hardly write, or button my blouse. I had a hard time eating, getting the food up to my mouth. At times I hated them so bad, I did not want to go out, or even do anything. Over the years I have had many, many hundreds of them. I thought maybe I would outgrow them, as my Mom did. But no such luck. When I moved here over a year ago, I had 2 and was seizure free until this last Monday. I was walking to the library to take a book back. I remember crossing the street, and the next thing I knew I was in an ambulance while someone was asking me a lot of questions which I could not answer, as when I come to from having a seizure, I am so, so confused. I did not realize I had one until I was in the hospital. I had hurt my head, so they had my neck in a neck brace. They took an MRI and didn't find anything wrong, except a broken nose. I guess I forward unto my face. They kept me in the hospital for almost 5 hours to observe and make sure there was nothing else wrong. Before I left the hospital, I looked like a raccoon. My nose was swollen almost twice its normal size. I have not been on SP since Sunday because of this, and have not gone to school, because I didn't want the kids seeing me how I looked. My friend who is also a foster grandma told my teachers, and the kids filled out this big sheet of paper with "We miss you, Grandma Barb" and they had all signed it on the inside of this huge card. My friend brought it over after school. I just cried when I rec'd it. I cannot describe how it made me feel. Yes, I will keep praying that this one will be my last one, but if it isn't I will go on, as I have all these years. I keep trying to understand why I keep getting them, but realize there is not too much I can do about it. I could tell myself that I had been exercising too much, or too much bike riding, or if I had only done this or that, but know that is not why. It just happens, and will probably happen again. I just Thank God, that I have so many in my family who understand and so many many friends who understand and still care for me even if I do have them. This is why I have been gone for all these days. I have missed being here, and am not sure when I will catch up. I will do a little at a time. It seems this was the worst one I have had, and hopefully it will be the last one I ever have. It seems like having seizures for almost all of my life has helped make me a stronger person, and a person I will never regret being.
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