Saturday, September 20, 2014
As usual, I had my day all planned before I even got out of bed this morning. I was going to get up, grab a yogurt for breakfast, and then wake up my boyfriend to help him get ready for work. Once he was out the door I would wake up my daughter, fix her breakfast, get her fed, cleaned up, then dressed for school. After I dropped her off I would walk home, work out on the elliptical for an hour, wash my hair and clean my house. All of this would be done by Noon, giving me the rest of the day to play by ear.
Unfortunately, things didn't work out as planned. My daughter (who has apparently caught a cold) was too sick to go to school today. She was too sick to get out of bed. She was too sick to leave me much time to do anything besides rock her in my arms and pray for the benadryl to relieve some of her horrible cough. Like any mother I hate seeing my child suffer. Every time she gets sick I pray that God will give me her illness so that she can be pain free. But, not all of my feelings are as noble as this one. I also want my child to feel better so that I can have some time to myself. An hour to workout or check in with my sparkfriends. A moment to wash my hair. A few minutes to eat lunch without hearing, "Mommy, mommy" and having to run back to her room. And those feelings make me feel like the worst mother in the world. How dare I not want to be at my daughter's beck and call? How dare I secretly wish to have my own needs fulfilled as well hers?
Guilt and shame are two of the biggest reasons I overeat. When I have feelings I don't know what to do with, when I feel emotions that I think must prove me to be the most terrible person to ever walk the planet, I beat myself up and then soothe myself with food.
I don't want to live like this anymore. So, in addition to being in therapy, I'm giving sparkpeople another try to assist me in living the kind of life I KNOW I'm capable of leading. Specifically, I'm doing the Biggest Loser Challenge for the next 12 weeks. I hope it can teach me to manage my emotions in a more efficient manner along with providing me with the nutritional tools to help me get the weight off for good. It's going to be a long journey, with lots of crappy days (like the one i had today), amazing days, and I'm sure, plenty of days in between. I won't be perfect but I WILL be honest (for example, in lieu of the soup and salad I'd planned on eating today, I ate my weight in potato chips and string cheese, rushing through each mouthful in an effort to get back to my child). Today's over and done with but tomorrow's another day.
Another opportunity to LEARN from today's mistakes and hopefully, get things right.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
I did it, I did it! I FINALLY burst through my plateau and lost weight this week!
Out of the 160's for good!
Sunday, October 13, 2013
If you've read my previous blog entry you'll know that I've struggled hard these past two months to get my eating back on track. Tons of take out, late night eating, and emotional binges have all played a role in my struggle to lose weight. So, in an effort to jump start my weight loss, I've decided to do a 30 day cleanse. Nothing crazy, no cayenne and hot water for me, just CLEAN EATING. For the next 30 days I'm giving up the chips, cookies, take out and caffeine that have been the staples of my diet for the past two months and will post daily updates here. I'm also giving up the scale. I want to give my body time to lose some pounds without driving myself crazy by jumping on and off the scale daily as I typically do. Wish me luck and let me know if you want to join the challenge!
Sunday, October 13, 2013
I missed my best friend's wedding.
It's been almost two months now and I still struggle with typing these words let alone saying them out loud.
I missed my best friend's wedding.
I'm lucky enough to have had the same best friends since grammar school.
Maggie and I met when she transferred to my school in 6th grade. I remember watching her at recess one day and admiring her toughness as she was the only girl on the field during the daily football game. She came off the field muddy and with holes in her jeans.
She was fearless.
That was the day our friendship began.
As adults Maggie and I were roommates for years. She was there for me when I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, driving me to and from neurologist appointments, holding my hand as I sat dazed in the doctor's office, waiting for yet another mri to confirm what we already knew.
She was there for me after every break up, crying on her green couch, eating Chinese food, chips and cookies, listening to me vow that this was it, I was never dating again.
And she was there for me at the worst moment of my life, standing outside my bedroom door at 5 in the morning, listening with tears in her eyes as my sister told me that our father had died. She was with me in the dressing room, as I sobbed about how unfair it was that the first size 12 dress I'd buy in years would be the one I'd wear to say goodbye to my dad.
She's always, always been there and yet
I missed her wedding.
I could tell you all the reasons this happened: We'd underestimated the time it would take to drive from Chicago to Boston; Lorenzo hadn't been able to swap shifts with a co worker and we'd been forced to leave a day later than we'd originally planned; the traffic between Hartford and Boston had been so bad that I'd had time to get out of the car and damn near have a nervous breakdown as I realized we wouldn't get there in time.
All of these excuses are true but there's an even bigger reason I didn't make it to her wedding, an even bigger truth I haven't admitted until now.
I've lost myself.
Children and domestic partnership were never, ever in my plans but when I met Lorenzo I fell hard. I went from being a Boston singleton to a Midwestern housewife seemingly overnight. Gone were the job and college classes I loved, gone were the once a month dinners with my girl Michele, gone were the morning workouts at the fancy, women only gym I belonged to and couldn't really afford.
Somehow, in my quest to be a good mom, a good partner to Lorenzo, I lost ME. My Interests, my voice, and most important of all...my VOTE. Suddenly, someone else is in charge of MY LIFE, not because he's an ogre but because I signed my rights away. In trying to keep the peace in my relationship, I conceded far more often than I should. I compromised on the things that mattered most to me, the things that make me...me.
In the two months since missing the wedding I've done everything I could to swallow the shame, the pain.
I've tried soothing myself with so much food that I'm now on a first name basis with the staff at not one but TWO vegan restaurants. I've watched hours of mind numbing tv, and have read and re-read every Jodi piccoult book my library has to offer. I've avoided this very journal entry in an effort ignore the elephant in the room of my life.
I no longer have the final say in my own life.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
One of my favorite things to do is workout.
As a kid I'd ride my bike for hours, exploring my neighborhood and beyond with my best friend Maggie by my side.
Exercise has been a major part of my life for a long time now. So much so that, at 25 years old, when I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, the first thing I asked the neurologist was, "Can I still go to the gym?"
Thankfully the answer was yes. My MS is so mild that I rarely think about it and, knock wood, it never gets in the way of my daily routine.
So why is it that a reasonably healthy, reasonably intelligent, vegan who works out 5 days a week is having such a hard time losing the last 20 lbs?
Because I'm a life-long emotional eater.
Correction: I'm a life-long emotional OVER eater.
I don't super size it every time I hit the drive through. I don't drink barrels of soda even though I should be drinking water or skip breakfast and lunch and then stuff myself at dinner time.
My problem is that when things go wrong I have one go-to, one coping mechanism that I return to time and time again.
And I have to break this pattern because forget about the last 20 lbs, I've got a kid now.
Someone for whom I want to set a good example.
And I'm not doing that right now because even though she never sees me binge (I save THAT for when both she and daddy have gone to sleep) she won't be 4 forever.
Eventually I'm going to get caught.
I want to learn healthy eating and healthy stress management tools so that I can pass them onto my daughter.
And that's so much more important to me than reaching a number on the scale.
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