Monday, January 09, 2012
I remember when I was alot thinner years back. I had a friend who I was exercising with who was aas heavy as I am now if not a little heavier. She couldnt do alot of exercises on the workout video we where doing together. I couldnt understand why bccause even though I was not as heavy as her I was still heavy and could understand what the difference of 100 lbs or so would cause her not to be able to move the way I could. We where both still very fat. I have been very committed with going to the gym and spending lots of time on the eliptical machine and bike. I can go for 60 minutes and have a great workout. But, today I bought the Jillian Michaels yoga video and after 10 min. if that of doing the video. It was to hard to keep bringing my body into constant different motions one after the other. Going up and coming back down to that mat. That was also the begginers level. I have been really doing alot of mindful work and commitment to calorie cutting. This tonight with the video made me feel sad. At a loss, to accept that my fat partial inhibits my mobility due to my weight. It felt like I dont need weights to work out, because the weights where me trying to hold my weight up and that is too much for me to hold. I know all the weight that I put on was the weight I bear in me of pain, loss, fear, anxiety, e.t.c. I keep repeating over and over in my head this has to stop. I dont want to bear this weight anymore. I want to come out of my shell, my mold and breath in the natural size I was meant to be. I feel sad I couldnt do that video. That I have to accept that I am so overwieght I need to lose weight first in order to do certain workouts. It is what it is, but it just was like a pinch of a needle that touched my body of pain. That I am trying to do the right thing to lose weight, but I have to be choosy about what I do because I am to fat to do everything. This pushed me to remember what is important and get to a natural weight for myself.