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Day 52: Row Gently

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

"Row row row your boat, gently through the stars, merrily merrily merrily merrily they shall soon be ours" (found on pinterest)

(artist Fan Ho)

Row gently & be merry after all it really is just a dream emoticon

So tell me lovely sparkfriends, where are you rowing your boats to, what is your dream?

(blog inspired by comments from TexasFilly & Sparked2BeFit)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JAZZII4 8/27/2014 10:47PM

    emoticon For the lovely photos, and the thoughtful quotes. You always give plenty of food for thought. Don't stop. emoticon emoticon

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SETTIMIA 8/27/2014 10:02PM

    Hi sweet this is were my boat meets turbulent waters and tge binging comes into plan. Yesterday evening found out that three friends possible four friends have the big C. Most of my family were destroyed by this disease so as you can imagine all the pain and sorrow floods back. Up early mega early but I choose to exercise and drink water over eating especially this time of the morning.

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TEXASFILLY 8/27/2014 9:32PM

    O! How thrilling! To be part of inspiring your blog! YAY! *hugs* My dream is the one I'm currently trying to live~ that girlhood dream to be a teacher, which I FINALLY am at long last. As for where I'm rowing, it honestly feels like I'm rowing in a circle tho' deep down I know that isn't a fact. Father has me here for a reason~ I just have to keep out of His way long enough to realize it. So I'll continue to row until He chooses to allow my li'l boat to take another direction. Love you, sweet Bean~ emoticon BB~ emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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INSPIREDSOUL 8/27/2014 3:12PM

    Beautiful. Right now I am just getting on track. But soon I will be going out of town. That makes it hard to stay on track. Will have to refocus again when I get back.

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1MORNINGWALKER 8/27/2014 12:44PM

    Love this, the picture with the suns rays is almost what I saw the other day, but no water below,
I have spent my life dreaming. Was always in trouble at school. I was always in better places than there, LO.
My dreams have changed through the years, not many have come true, but I just carry on and dream other dreams. Right now I dream of having a small cottage with nothing but flowers and nature all around.
I hope your dreams come true Bean emoticon

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_RAMONA 8/27/2014 11:16AM

    HOW lovely! I can't wait to sing this version to my Divine Miss O! I wonder what would happen if we all sang this one to our babies?!?

My dreams:
-- write and publish a book!
-- Live abroad for a year (Europe)
-- travel across Africa
-- walk the Camino de Santiago
-- live to see my grandchildren grow up, LOL (my daughter is 10, and I'm 54)

...I don't know if everyone must always have a dream, but I find life unbearable without one!

GREAT post, Bean!

P.S. What are your dreams, dear Lady?

Comment edited on: 8/27/2014 11:17:19 AM

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CALENSARIEL 8/27/2014 10:42AM

    Oh! I love that first picture! My friend Kim would swoon over that! Question for thought: Does one always have to have a dream? Life is so much easier, it seems, when you have no dreams or expectations to worry about. At least then you can't be disappointed. (Can you tell what kind of mood I'm in today???)

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BUTTONPOPPER1 8/27/2014 9:16AM

    Lovely post, Bean. I especially love the first picture! Beautiful!

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SPARKASAURUS 8/27/2014 8:30AM

    Ooh, I'm going to sing that to my class today! Love the pics too!

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A_RARE_BEAN 8/27/2014 6:28AM

    I've only just discovered the photographer Fan Ho (the two pics in the middle) and I am in love!! Now that is what you call photography, love his black and whites.

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SETTIMIA 8/27/2014 4:38AM


Comment edited on: 8/27/2014 4:39:00 AM

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Day 51: Incidental Streaking & Desires Gaining a Foothold

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

For those who already know this bare with me, lol, I do repeat myself I'm afraid.

So anyway, for those who don't know, Bruce Lee changed my life, this one quote prompted me to start my BHSM program just over 3 months ago now, to go with the flow and do as I please. On paper this seems like disaster central, how can you achieve anything this way! Well my lack of a focused structured program apparently meant I didn't have time to sabotage and ruin stuff and I wrote this blog a while back showing incidental change was possible: www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_jo

Fast forward 2 more months and I'm reminded yet again of this wonderful quote and that 'unfocused change'. Yesterday I received a 1000 monthly fitness minutes trophy for the first time in ages and excited I wanted to go check it out...well, you know a trophy is a trophy, even if it is virtual emoticon On my trophy page I was shocked to see three, that's right THREE of those golden streak trophies. Hmmm but I 'failed' at my streaks and they are only on a week by now... but that was just the streaks I was focusing on. Chasing health, improvement, and personal betterment I had apparently been streaking incidentally. So a minor celebration if you will of consistency I hadn't even noticed!


emoticon Log in to spark, spin zeeee wheel : 56 days

emoticon 8+ cups of water per day: 51 days

emoticon 5+ veggies per day: 54 days (record for me)

emoticon Cigarette Free: 37 days

emoticon Soda Free: 57 days

emoticon Journal privately: 51 days

and to just contrast the streaks (for 10 mins minimum daily) I have been focusing on and trying to get right:

emoticon Walk: 9 days
emoticon Write: 9 days
emoticon Read for pleasure: 9 days

Before that they got up to 12 days I believe, then I got moody, stayed in bed and just didn't do them. I was annoyed at myself for breaking those streaks I'd chosen to do, without even realising though that I was still practicing consistency in way MORE areas, and for much longer without even thinking about it!! It is also abundantly clear to me, that I operate SO much better in the unstructured chasing life way and really think I may just achieve my goals.... as long as I'm not looking and have no time to sabotage or slack for whatever reason emoticon So, yay me, I'm an incidental gold streaker emoticon

At the end of the first blog I had also listed some desires that were surfacing as my haze of depression was receding. Going through them I was intrigued to find they had begun to take their first baby steps...cute! emoticon From desires only to stepping out and gaining a foothold, here's how they are slowly beginning to bud.

emoticon I signed up for an online guitar course, and have continued to strengthen my fingers so I can play fully someday

emoticon Carry my phone everywhere so I can take pictures and have been collecting them for myself in a series of folders. Have also done a couple photoblogs to share what I've seen on my country sojourn. Have a lovely Pinterest account that keeps me visually motivated and thinking of ideas.

emoticon I began writing in fits and spurts but now find such peace in it that I have completed 3 stories for a series I plan and am happy to continue pursuing that writing streak of mine! Have also been blogging dailyish, which I never did before, and journaling is all helping me to practice being in the habit of a hobby I love

emoticon I have been taking better care of myself physically by having umpteen spa days, with my own home made products so I know they are good for me. I've started slowly on my appearance, by just wearing one item that makes me feel special, picking up my confidence, just a touch emoticon I've also again, been choosing nutrient dense health foods much closer to my ratio of 80:20, what better way to take care of yourself than, gorgeous healthy food.

emoticon I have adapted to my current circumstances in order to have activity in my life now and not just when I get home. I have been exercising almost daily, with JessicaSmithTV. Short videos when I can only do a little, adapting it to make it low impact so as not to hurt my joints. And as I mentioned earlier I got that 1000 fitness minutes for my efforts emoticon

I am pleased that this haphazard, crashing and flowing water, made up on the spot program of mine is getting me to where I want to go! It may be slow, but it's definitely going in the right direction, and that's enough for me to take today out to celebrate how far I've come!

emoticon emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SPARKASAURUS 8/27/2014 1:44AM

    WOW! That's a whole lotta accomplishments, and I bet you're looking real pretty!!

From your posts on other people's blogs, I caught on to what probably everyone here knows...

you're awesome!

Glad you're my new friend!

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SETTIMIA 8/27/2014 1:21AM

    Wishing you a great active day today

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TEXASFILLY 8/26/2014 9:56PM

    Gf~ you've got freedom and winner written all over you! I'm so incredibly proud and inspired by your progress. Keep going with the flow, dear Bean~ gently, gently down the stream for this life is but a dream~ emoticon BB~ emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MISSM66 8/26/2014 4:39PM

    emoticon emoticon keep on streakin emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MEXGAL1 8/26/2014 1:55PM


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1MORNINGWALKER 8/26/2014 11:28AM

    emoticon emoticon Very good streaks going there, I was slow, so I thing that is the way to go. Congrats on you 1000 minutes trophy emoticon emoticon
My son loves Bruce Lee too, but for different reasons than you. I see him in the back practicing his moves all the time emoticon emoticon

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_RAMONA 8/26/2014 10:45AM

    This is so streakin' AWESOME!

"Chasing health, improvement, and personal betterment I had apparently been streaking incidentally. I operate SO much better in the unstructured chasing life way."

Chasing health and chasing life is the only way that has worked for me, too!

Go, Bean GO!
Go, Bean GO!
Go, Bean GO!


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CALENSARIEL 8/26/2014 10:27AM

    So see! Even though you're not totally obsessed with those things, you're making great strides in getting where you want to be. You ARE becoming water without realizing it. The thing you talk about that I really identify with is structure. I am SO lost without some kind of structure. I don't do enough to structure my days. There are too many writing-type things I want to do and I get fixated on one and next thing I know my free time is gone. Trying to decided if that has to be a bad thing or if it's a discretionary thing that I don't need to stress about. So excited that you're finding the writing fulfilling. emoticon

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BUTTONPOPPER1 8/26/2014 7:29AM

    You're doing great, Bean! That's a lot of streaks! I'm sure you're feeling a lot better because of al the healthy changes. And it's great that you're also fulfilling your artistic needs with the guitar, photography, and writing activities. You are taking good care of yourself! You are right to celebrate!

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SETTIMIA 8/26/2014 5:47AM





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GHOSTFLAMES 8/26/2014 4:58AM

    emoticon emoticon

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Day 50: I've Been Cheating ....Prolifically

Monday, August 25, 2014

I do my BHSM recaps weekly (well I try to) to reflect on what goals I reached, where I went above and beyond my goals and where I fell down and could do better. After writing up this weeks recap (previous blog), as soon as I had finished it I straight up burst out laughing. My only thought was well yeah of course that came out how it did because you are a giant CHEAT. This is not following the rules, this is not setting a goal and then seeing if you hit it, not only are people going to read this and think you're crazier than the hatter himself they will also think you are the biggest CHEAT in the universe!

For you see, I kept changing the rules as the week went on. At the start of the week, start a raw challenge, start an exercise challenge, take care of myself = WIN! Oh, hmm, failed at the raw challenge, exercise challenge is draining me too much, and I was careless went out in a flimsy summer shirt when Autumn rocked up early and now have the flu... but I did some fun stuff and had a great time = WIN! Hmm, pushed way too hard, overate some allergen foods and joints now inflamed, ditched working out and sloped round the block for my 'exercise' streak desperate just to get home and hop back into bed, but I got some great journaling done and practiced some acceptance = WIN! I pretty much didn't do anything I set out to do at the beginning of the week...most would call that failure, off plan, nice people would say 'don't beat yourself up, just get 'back on the wagon'. Cheaters like myself say... I WIN I WIN I WIN!

See, see what I've been doing, cheating unashamedly!!, I had an intention, that didn't work out or get done, so I just upped and changed my criteria for winning (read cheated). I looked for a positive, checked if my attitude was ok, if I felt happy then clocked a win anyway. I shifted the goal posts. Now if you were playing this way with others, then yeah, cheaters never prosper, it's just plain annoying if someone else does it in the middle of game where everyone else is doing what they're supposed to do. SO, why am I laughing at myself, not really seeming to care that I 'cheated' my way through last week? Well, because I'm talking about a different kind of cheating altogether, intentional cheating in a game with no rules, Life,...the only time it's acceptable.

One of my happiest memories was of a time when I was on the Psych ward, cheating.. prolifically. It still makes me smile so widely and chuckle just to remember it now. Myself and 3 of my fellow patients decided to break up the monotony of ward life by playing monopoly. A guy who was hardly ever calm (he pretty much got 'the injection' and locked in his room everyday), hardly ever smiled and spent most of his time raging, at us, for being infidels, decided he wanted to be the Banker. I was skeptical, but didn't say anything as the fact he even wanted to sit and spend any time with us was a minor miracle, plus I really liked it when we could all just get along. We chose our counters, got our start up money, a quick decision to go anti clockwise and the game was afoot! Within moments one of my fellow players decided he liked the iron better than his dog... he asked the Banker could he swap... even though we had started. “Of course!” the Banker cried joyfully. Hmm, ok, swap if you must but really lets just role the dice and play on I thought. Well he'd started the ball rolling then, soon everyone but me had changed counters and they looked at me imploring me to change counters so we could use them all....it was more fun that way, so they said. “Use them all, yeah lets use them all, brilliant idea Banker, don't swap, just use them all” one of the other players squealed as the Banker unwittingly hit on a new way to play. So then within a flash we had all the counters on the board...2 counters each!

Hell in a hand basket came to mind. I was apoplectic. This isn't how you play monopoly I said, almost wanting to get up and leave, how would anybody win now! The Banker just smiled and said “yeah we know it's not how you play, but it's fun isn't it, we can all win if you want” Everyone was laughing; in a place like this, it just made no sense to choose rules and winning over a glimmer of joy and laughter, I'd just have to get in the handbasket...no other choice. Ok, hang the rules lets have fun; and so we did, so much fun that apart from the nurses station, the half open door to the 'medication room' and the locked doors, you would have thought it were just four friends on a games night, shooting the breeze, passing time, with soulful laughs; instead of four souls who'd been hammered by the 'rules' of life and were sitting out the game. It had been such a long time since I'd laughed so hard...

We were making so much noise with our laughter and revelry, that a nurse began to pace up and down the hallway, eyeballing us but not saying a word, it was a face we hadn't seen before, either a trainee or an agency nurse. We weren't too bothered by it, we were used to being watched, but so engrossed in our game without rules were we that we hadn't really noticed that she'd finally plucked up the courage to stand right next to us and watch our game. As she observed she heard:

“Can I have 300 pounds Banker I want to buy some houses”
“sure...here.. have 500... then you can buy a hotel too”
“wait you don't have to buy it have some of mine, they don't all fit on Mayfair anyway, they're hanging off”
“hmmm tell you what, lets just divide ALL the money equally, then we can all buy something new, then race the pieces home”
“or just race them round the track... how many times can you pass go in total!”
“we can't move unless we get sixes!”
“yes and lets start in jail...since we are in one here anyway, jail is the start, go is the 'end'”

“Isn't that cheating? That's not how you play.” the nurse finally chirped in, frowning. We roared with laughter then, because there just was no cheating, when there were no rules, you could do as you pleased.

“It's Mental Monopoly, it's different” he said with a sly smile. We all laughed again, as the nurse looked beyond baffled, because we knew, we knew that when you'd lost everything and misery had become your bedfellow, and the world had declared you 'mental' there was only one rule, one thing to chase; those elusive moments of joy. So not yet being jaded by the glaze of rules, this trainee nurse, after declaring it was her first day and she didn't know if she was allowed to but would anyway, sat down to play with us. Within 5 minutes, she had our rules down pat – enjoy it! Oh she laughed once she understood, how could she not; then she asked for extra money... then she borrowed a hotel for 4 houses, then she turned over 3 chance cards, and handed out her get out of jail free cards to everyone, because it was only *fair*. So after being an outside spectator restricted by the rules, pacing the hallways, worried about impressing her new colleagues, she wandered over, looked, contemplated, then hung the rules and jumped into the game.

After the game was over she said how much fun she'd had and how this was a great first day, she began to explain how nervous she'd been that morning, she'd been told such horror stories you see, for the rotation 'in the madhouse', her colleagues on the training course had given her a list of do's and don'ts, of rules to follow to 'survive it all'. I said only one thing to her, which I hoped conveyed my meaning 'we're just people'. I think she understood as still smiling she asked if there was something else we could play, no longer willing to follow the rules of them and us... nurses in the station and patients in their rooms.

That's the irony of it all isn't it. Playing by the rules, dutifully flagellating yourself, enforcing adherence, which oftentimes causes mental anguish and all those accompanying thoughts of failure, guilt, low self esteem and pressure, when this was supposed to be something to give you a better life. This 'game' is meant to help you, it's one you CHOSE to play, don't let the rules hold you back from enjoying it, toss them out, free yourself to make new rules that suit just you and bring joy along for the ride.

Just like I first experienced on that ward with my fellow players. Our reasons for being put on a psychiatric ward were not gone, we still had a lot of work to do, but for that wistful afternoon, playing a game and KNOWINGLY throwing out the rulebook and allowing ourselves to just be and enjoy each others company, I'll tell you this for nothing, it was the happiest, most talkative, most lucid and expressive I had ever seen any of them; along with a nurse who had at first been terrified, desperate to follow the rules and survive 'the madhouse' but let go, threw out the rules, became one of us just for a moment, and 'enjoyed it'. I treasure that memory I really do.

So, after feeling like a giant cheater, and laughing at myself as I did my BHSM recap I must again shift the goal posts, cheat one last time to obtain a new attitude, a new perception. Today, on day 50 of the second half of my journey to reclaiming my life, I will hang the rules and scratch the word 'cheating' from my playbook. It's not a weight loss plan, a health journey even, with rules and regulations to be followed and penalties for infringements. In the spirit of the Banker I shall simply say “it's 'Living Life', it's different, and there is only one rule; to enjoy it”

This is why I get to clock up seven wins, to end the week that was, as a victor; because I thoroughly enjoyed most of it, shifted my attitude to release pressure and depressive clouds of failure and thought of new ways to keep my face turned towards the 'rules of enjoyment' throughout being sick and off plan.

Every time I see a monopoly box or think of life as a game I smile; just smile and remember that to live is the only criteria for winning, so there is no need to feel like a cheater. Each day I pledge to play by my own rules, or to throw them out altogether and simply get in the handbasket for the win.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SPARKED2BFIT 8/26/2014 8:06PM

    i love games but it's more fun cheating.. my family thinks i'm weird cause i dont play like everyone else. never thought of it as cheating because for me all that matters is having a great time while i still can. But the best part about games...choosing who can play in mine. emoticon

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MEXGAL1 8/25/2014 7:31PM

    We are only human after all.
Great blog!
Have a good evening.

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TEXASFILLY 8/25/2014 4:20PM

    *LMSAO* Absolutely hilarious! Love it! Great analogy and love the moral. Where "jail becomes start and go is the end~" Hahahahaha~ I agree with you 110%, dear heart~ so now it is off to enjoy the pool after a FAB~ulous first day of school in spite of the new regime's SNAFU (Situation Normal, All Fouled Up)~ emoticon BB~ emoticon emoticon emoticon

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1MORNINGWALKER 8/25/2014 4:09PM

    emoticon Well I am glad I can leave what I wrote in the other blog. I am all for breaking rules, especially if you are having fun, even more so that it is not hurting anyone, laughter is good for the heart. We adjust and change things everyday of our lives. Just love your blog, well written. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ALEXSGIRL1 8/25/2014 3:39PM

    I 'll ''remember it's living life and enjoy it and break the rules now and then emoticon

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AKIMBERLYQ1 8/25/2014 12:59PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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_RAMONA 8/25/2014 10:54AM

    It doesn't get anymore brilliant than this... cheat on!

P.S. There are studies done of preschool children who, when allowed to set and continually reset the parameters of play to create a sense of continuous success, become confident risk-takers, secure in their ability to negotiate uncontrolled variables. They grow up confident, capable and certain of their ability to succeed. You, my dear, are growing up WELL.

Comment edited on: 8/25/2014 2:36:58 PM

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BHSM: Recap & Week 14

Monday, August 25, 2014

emoticon win, win, win, win, win, win, win = I won the day x7 emoticon

emoticon WIN, WIN, WIN, DOUBLE WIN, WIN WIN WIN, TRIPLE WIN, BAZINGA, WIN, WIN, WIN, YAY ME, WIN, WIN, HAPPY DANCE, INFINITE WIN = I won the day but also won the week which made my month entirely, so I guess I WON AUGUST!!!

emoticon emoticon I am, nothing short of ridiculous, don't worry I know it, but writing that just made me laugh hysterically. In a more serious tone though, it is kind of how I feel about the past week. Now I could have listed all the things I did and achieved last week BUT the only criteria I set was to win the day...and yup, regardless of up and down moods and obstacles and such I can genuinely say I'm happy and pleased with the week just gone, and just decided to express that here, in my usual insanity, instead of listing it out as I usually do. emoticon Be like water.

Week 14

I'm tired, be nicer to me, I want more juice and less...crap, and leave me be to rest crazy woman! The immune system is busy working, it's not time to romp about like a headless chicken, reeeeeeeeest! emoticon

emoticon Yes, yes, fine. Stick to ratio of 80% freggies, mostly juice

emoticon Make my own food so I KNOW there are no allergens in it

emoticon Rest, doing activities that don't require much from me physically

It's been a fun summer just you and I, I LOVE to talk, don't stop listening to me when you go home, I'm afraid you'll lock me up back in my box again because you have 'important life stuff' to do. Promise you'll let me stay...keep the journal? emoticon emoticon

emoticon I promise right here and now to continue to honour my emotions as part of my journey and continue to journal daily.

emoticon emoticon emoticon See, don't be scared, I won't put you back in the box. In time you'll learn to trust me, that I mean what I say this time, when you know better you do better, and I will do better by you all.

Enjoy your last week, those assignments are waiting for you when you get home. But as for this vacation I'm proud of you for letting the light in when it wanted to enter. Good job little Bean, good job, I'm so glad we got to see each other on the labyrinth. Until it's time for home, continue with just that, keep your ears, and eyes open for whatever may come. emoticon

emoticon Stay open

emoticon Enjoy my week

emoticon Keep journaling my dreams and meditations

ONWARDS! emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

1MORNINGWALKER 8/25/2014 1:38PM

    emoticon I like this a happy blog for a happy week, I will get up and do the happy dance with you.
Than go back to relaxing a little and back to laundry emoticon emoticon

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BUTTONPOPPER1 8/25/2014 9:47AM

    I like the way you sweetly address your body, heart, and soul. My favorite part was what you said to your soul: "Good job little Bean, good job. I'm so glad we got to see each other on the labyrinth...keep your ears, and eyes open for whatever may come." Beautiful words, beautiful meaning, my dear poet! I can't get over the wonder of the labyrinth. The word itself is thrilling.

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Day 49: Be Flamboyant & Thrive

Sunday, August 24, 2014

emoticon Happy Sunday

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TEXASFILLY 8/24/2014 11:04PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon BB~

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MEXGAL1 8/24/2014 11:39AM


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JAZZII4 8/24/2014 11:01AM

    emoticon Have a great Sunday as well!! emoticon

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1MORNINGWALKER 8/24/2014 10:51AM

    emoticon Love them all. I choose to live flamboyantly! Starting right now!! Have a great Sunday. Going for a hike today emoticon

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_RAMONA 8/24/2014 10:31AM


Have a wonderful day, Beautiful Bean!


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ROX525 8/24/2014 7:52AM

    Great Quotes...Thank you. Would love to do it flamboyantly!!

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SETTIMIA 8/24/2014 7:32AM



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BUTTONPOPPER1 8/24/2014 6:45AM

    Thank you, Bean, for these upbeat quotes. I like them all, but the William James one speaks to me the most today. I've been procrastinating too much about taking real action to reshape my life (not to mention my body). I hope you have a great Sunday, too! I have just four more hours of mine, but I'm gonna make them count!

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LOJAKZER0 8/24/2014 6:34AM

    Sounds good!

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