Sunday, November 20, 2011
I've been gone, and it's been tough.
I fell into a pit of despair and old thinking habits which has been extremely difficult to get out of. I've cried so much my eyes literally feel too heavy to lift lol and it's been a full week now
Today is a fresh start for me... well more likely next weekend..
Why next weekend, well that's when the ex has promised to finally severe all financial ties between us. It's been hard accepting that someone I cared for for 6 years is an emotionally abusive person. The way they get inside your mind to make you think it really was your fault all along.
Although he left to live in NY I still had accounts I use that were in his name, and I've been trying to change this over the past month after he was cruel to me yet again. It's not been easy talking to him, in fact it's made me feel pretty useless and worthless and I'll be glad when this is done and I can cut him out and no longer speak to him at all. He's not making it easy, dragging this out like a chief, guess some people like to maintain a hold on you even though you've backed right away. I rarely talked about how abusive he was, just because I guess i felt it was my fault (classic), tried to concentrate on the good i guess.
I feel drained and don't ever want to give someone that kind of power over me again. I've even had to start taking anti anxiety meds, that's how badly I was dealing with trying to sort this. There's only so many times you can be told what a horrendous person you are
I want to pick myself back up again, get of the anxiety meds, and restart looking for work and getting somewhere with my life :o)
What better place to start that than good ole spark!!!
I worked out today first time in ages, my eating has been sporadic but I'm the same weight 178lbs. I mainly just want to feel better in myself so I'm not setting weight goals or anything.
Maybe will do the report card thing again to make sure I'm feeling better whilst working on emotionally putting it back together.
So lets see, previous report cards were to get/do
= 8 glasses of water
= 5 fruits/veggies
= 30mins cardio
= 30 min walk
1 daily affirmations/reasons for success
No goals, just gonna see the lay of the land by next week, I just want to feel better
Monday, October 03, 2011
Wow, last blog was almost a month ago, crazy!!
I'm still feeling ill, but not as bad so I'm hoping this means I'm getting better. Two solid weeks of feeling l ike I was gonna keel over if I was stood up for too long. I have a cough and am still kinda congested BUT I managed to do a workout today!!!
Ha, I certainly felt it after having been laid up for 2 weeks, and not being back to full health, but I'm so glad i got to move and get my heart rate up :o)
I had a tough time staying mentally strong whilst being ill, as I'm sure I've mentioned exercise and getting out for walks is how i stay sane. So I'm not a bouncing bean but I'm a recovering bean :o)
I'm really trying to clean up my food at the moment. I've been considering a partial vegan diet, so have been researching it to see if it's something I could or would do.
My weigh in was yesterday and I think i put on .4 or something, which given the way september went is actually a suprise to me. I was expecting a serious gain!!
The week my degree certificate came I was taken out to afternoon tea to celebrate it was soooooo good and indulgent, made me sicker dragging myself outta bed to go, but I had a lovely time (inbetween napping on the train lol :o) )
So there you have it, I think I'm finally getting better, so again trying to get back on the exercise and really focusing on nutrition. I hope through that my mood will start to lift too, as I dont feel too clever at the moment
Here's to October!!
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
So yesterday I had a MAJOR pity party for one. Actually it wasn't really pity, I was mad, really mad with myself and frustrated.
Yesterday was my first ballet class, and I spent it sitting on my sofa crying like a baby and throwing my toys out the pram because my 'mind' wouldn't co operate.
My bag was packed with my shiny new ballet shoes, leggings, t-shirt (decided against the leotard once I saw myself in it!) sports bra, nervous but READY.
I got to the tube station and had a major episode. I got dizzy, my legs wouldn't move, sound became painfully loud, I couldn't focus on anything visually, heart racing, cold sweats, slurred speech. Then my brain went awol, I stood confused and dazed, couldn't hold an entire sentence in my brain. Don't ask me how i got home as I don't remember... memory loss is quite typical after the halfway point.
I haven't had one in SUCH a long time (ok well MAY isn't that long ago but when your used to having had them everyday 4 months is positively an eternity!!!)
I got super frustrated and thought why are you doing this now. Being hard on myself didn't get me anywhere, internally yelling 'just get on the damn train and quit it' really doesn't work with this kinda thing, as when my brain starts to check out, from experience, there is nothing i can do except get to a safe place until it resets, and LEARN from what preparation I might have missed.
Since my brain imploded in 2006 from what the doctors call a 'catastrophic stress event' (complete nervous breakdown to you and I ;o) ) I've worked tirelessly to understand, rebuild and overcome. There's always been one thing though that has been more about prevention than anything else as no amount of therapy sessions helped it, my sensory threshold. I struggle to follow conversations when there's alot of background noise, I struggle to focus in on a target visually when there's alot of background distractors (think picking someone out of a throbbing crowd.) I had to quit my job as a bartender as mostly I couldn't 'hear' what people were ordering, I LOVED being a bartender. There's nothing wrong with my hearing or sight, my brain just seems to have a shut off mechanism when thing's get too 'busy'. It was only 3 weeks ago my friend had to take me home from a night out as I couldn't 'hear' anymore, even though I was having a good time, my brain still checked out.
I've learnt tricks to manage it, but I guess I sort of 'forgot' and thought I'd be A ok getting on a tube, in rush hour, in central london. I mean crikey, i know hindsight is 20/20 but I really can't believe I didn't do my usual of checking the route out first, picking the quietest one, and doing a dry run first. I also didn't maintain a constant exposure to noise and motion by getting out of the house daily for X amount of time. Keeping my exposure up so my threshold didn't drop to stupidly low. So whilst I wasn't mad about being 'wired' differently after 06 I was mad I messed up so badly on preparation and MISSED my first class that I'd been raving about. I knew people were gonna ask me how it went, and I knew I was gonna have to say I farked up, because I mismanaged myself.
I'll admit it, sometimes I wish I was normal, you know, I wish I didn't have to think about these things, that all I had to do was a pep talk when i got scared and away I'd go
. BUT those aren't my choices are they, what happened happened, who i am is who i am, so my choices are manage it with meds or with lifestyle. I've chosen to manage my mental health with lifestyle, I'll make slip ups, but it's important to know that being different and having to manage my life differently does not make me a failure, or stop me from doing the things I want to do. I just need to think about it, prepare, then walk my path when I figure out how to overcome obstacles.
So I'm on a mission to get to class next week! New route planned out, will be taking train as there isn't enough time to acclimatise to rush hour tube within a week. PLUS a dry run before hand.
How do I feel today? I'm not a bouncing Bean today, but I am smiling. Smiling because people are so awesome and caring when I find it hard to be. I'm SO thankful for the wonderful people who've been supportive to me over the past couple of days. Y'all know who you are Besos!!! It's not the end of the world, it's just one class, I'm not back in full relapse mode, it was just poor preparation, so I shouldn't have been so hard on myself. We all make mistakes, I'm ready for a new day!!
So now I just got done with the dusting myself off, evaluating and assessing, I've got to get back up, get back to it and I'M GOING TO CLASS NEXT WEEK!!!!!
virtual hug for y'all
Sunday, September 11, 2011
it's a new week, all the stats on the front page have reset SOOOOOOO.... I'ma start the week out right with......
A BUFFY marathon, popcorn, and a good chillax
(btw how epic was the torchwood finale!!!)
Hehe, bet you thought I was gonna say a 20 mile run, 300 hours of insanity, and some butt busting ST. Nope
"stop and smell the roses - OINK"
Today I'm just going to enjoy the day, and remember why I do what I do. I dragged myself through last week, trying really hard to get some workouts in, battle pain and hormonal barrages. Sometimes when the train has been at full throttle it's time to STOP, oil that engine so it can go again!!
Today I'm tired, today I don't want to push anything, today I want to smile just because, today I want to reaffirm why I wake up every morning and attack the day with everything I have, today is for the small things, today is for simply existing and being grateful just for that.
So as I normally wish you a healthful day, today I'm wishing you a slice of fun, and time off to remember what life's about for you when all is still, especially on a day like today.
Peace and Blessings
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