Wednesday, December 24, 2014
My hands are yellow, eep! I had a mammoth juicing session, and I used some turmeric and boy, that turmeric just does not quit! I got yellow hands, the juicer is all yellow. I soaked the juicer parts in vinegar to try get the colour off, but I'm not about to soak my hands in vinegar so that'll just have to go when it's ready. I'm happy though as I got 8 gorgeous juices in the fridge ready for my belly!
I've been working on my lists for my Jan & Feb projects, and seriously, who knew self love and self care was so hard! I have 16 things for Love Is.. so another 12 things to go and for Body Bliss I've got 17 things so 14 more things left. A week now till Body Bliss starts...I may have to have some repeats!
I'm finding whilst making these lists two things a) I'm a very simple person who doesn't need much to make me happy and I apparently already do most of the things I consider to be self loving and little joys and b) most things on my body list are 'appreciation' type things. SO it's more of a celebrate this body function/part than 'have a footspa'; which yeah is also on there but those kinda things are in the minority . I think it's kinda cool that I've unconsciously made items that should hopefully create a deeper body appreciation. That's kinda the point of the project anyway, so I'm ok with that. Still, I need to have a full list lol, so think on I must!
The whole realisation that I'm kinda low key and don't need much got me thinking about this lifestyle transition I'm currently in. I was gonna do that exercise of 'the perfect day'. You know the one where you just visualise and then write out whatever comes up, no limits, etc. I've done it before and it had super specific things (I think it's meant to) like what kind of house I was living in, my job, my working hours, my hobbies. I was thinking though, after working on the Love is & Body Bliss lists that actually, it's not about 'the perfect day' or even achieving certain goals or titles, I just need the essence of those things to be happy. Plus having such definite lines to colour in doesn't leave enough room for serendipity and the treasures of providence, dreams that are even beyond our own imagining.
It lends itself to the idea of, what foundation do you wish to build your life on, so that irregardless of what you may or may not achieve in life, or the stresses and situations that arise that are out of your control, what do you NEED to maintain a sense of self, a sense of contentment and internal stability. Foundations, the thing that you alone get to build, that lives within you and is the place you draw your stability from. How do you feed and strengthen that tiny little wellspring where undiminishable joy comes from.
Time to write
Time to make music
Time to listen to music
Time to dance
Time to laugh
Time to learn
Time to create
Time to dream
Time to imagine
Time with Nature
Water in all it's forms
Time to look at and into the universe
Sharing Time with others
A home that is a haven
Build your house on solid ground, it'll stand you in good stead when the waters rage. I think there are some things on there that are probably universal. I've never written it out in black and white before but I've definitely noticed the difference when I'm not living it. This morning my mum asked me why I looked like such a sad puppy, I didn't have an answer, I said I dunno, I just feel kinda low, no rhyme or reason. Then I realised I'd not honoured my foundations at all for the past couple of days and was just feeling meh. A juicing session (live foods), lots of music and a nice walk later I was feeling more 'myself', didn't take much, just the foundations. Everything else, still the same.
This is a passage from my current fave book The Earth Has A Soul by Carl Jung:
"Life has grown dessicated and cramped, crying out for the rediscovery of the fountainhead. But the fountainhead can only be discovered if the conscious mind suffers itself to be led back to the 'chidren's land', there to receive guidance from the unconscious as before"
I love this passage as it has been so true for me for the past couple weeks. Setting targets, goals, trying to follow others training plans for running, and online teaching schedules has 'cramped' things and stifled the pleasure of these things. I really really don't respond well to too much structure, regardless of whether it 'improves performance', it wont improve anything if I don't do it because it is draining my free spirit and sucks, it's counterproductive. Better to just run, as slow as you like, as far as you feel, than plan a 60min 10k 12 week plan and not run at all. I just don't appear to be built that way. Getting back to the essence and living more instinctually revitalises and brings back the natural joy you had in the first place. Forget the overcomplicated overlayed structures, it blocks the vision of the fountainhead and messes with the water pressure
As long as you have a solid foundation you're alright jack
Happy Christmas Eve
Monday, December 22, 2014
T'other day I was going to post the status "Love me a bit of oom pah pah first thing in the morning" , then I thought wait....that could mean something entirely different! Better not...so just left a line, hmm why do I have such a gutter mind, why does everything I say sound so rude, when it's not!
Anyways I really do like a bit of oom pah pah first thing in the morning Saturday my mum was going to church (Adventist) and as I came up the stairs I noticed what she was wearing, a really long purple skirt with those sort of tier things on them at the bottom. She was fixing her tights underneath and I exclaimed "You look JUST like Nancy!" no preface, no pretext, but she knew exactly who I was talking about lol, so I said to her, ruffle your skirt and do the dance and I'll sing!!
Ahahaha, she totally did it, no questions asked, and I couldn't stop cracking up (only my mum could do the can can before going to church, totally respectable she is ) so there we were on the landing, her dancing and flinging her skirt everywhere and me singing oompahpah at the top of my lungs, then I switched to 'I'd do anything'...because once I start .. Every time I thought about it for the rest of the day I couldn't help but crack up, start the day right, it makes the rest easier
As much as my mum and I fall out at times and she drives me to distraction (I'm sure I do her too) our mornings are always such fun like that. Every morning has it's own oom pah pah.
I burst into her room, and ask if she likes my 'boom boom' and start twerking and dancing, she replies..'you don't have one, it's a pancake'..'how rude!' I reply, my summary catchphrase, then we have a twerk off and laugh non stop, because it's more of a jerk than a twerk since neither of us has rhythm.
Sometimes I sleep in and she comes down to 'my room' to say she's leaving. She takes in the usual scene, my pillow one end of the room, the duvet cover completely off, and the pump up bed solitary as I've managed to squirrel myself half way across the room with half my body under the coffee table and my back against the base of the sofa, with the duvet wrapped around my head and my body left to the elements.
"This child!" she always says "Good adventure was it?"
I laugh, as no matter how hard I try, going to sleep in a corner, on my side, I appear to create whirlwinds in my sleep, "yeah, I was fighting giant gorillas, and had to rescue a princess, from an old man in a tower, best dream ever!" "Duvets aren't gorillas..." "ahahaha, but they are in dreamland" then I get up and act out my dream, as if she couldn't tell anyway from the destruction of the front room. She's a neat freak yet she never complains, doesn't make me feel bad for something I can't seem to help, she knows I'll fix it up ready for the next night time adventure!
One day I was super grumpy, hormonal, and she said "oh you are in a mood again, your t-rex mood"
"yuppers, and you should probs run, cause t-rex's eat gentle dinosaurs, they can't help it'
"oh I'm a gentle dinasaur? That's nice, which one?"
"a Diplodocus, cause they are big and ....
"NICE, big and NICE I was gonna say...umm gentle like innit , run diplodocus run!!" Then we pretended to be dinosaurs running about the house, I completely forgot my bad mood.
This morning I first saw her in the kitchen as I'd gotten up late again:
"Hey Baby girl"
"you look like a lollipop"
" oh, because I'm sweet?"
"no because you have lollipop stick legs and a round..."
LOL, bless her, I meant no malice and she took it that way thankfully, I mean she calls me Gannet and Mousy Mousy...cause I eat everything in sight. Still, she chased me out the kitchen with a tea towel.
We clash only because she likes cotton wool and I like mountains and adventure, she was an orphan and so tries to cling on, I don't know what it's like to have no parents so I just want to fly. Regardless, I love my mum, she does things like get giant blue singing candles, bakes banana bread just because it's my favourite, dances with me even though I know her arthritis kills her, never dampens or restrains my inner child when I'm being outright ridiculous or outrageous, smiles when I get excited about the arrival of epsom salt and spirulina and doesn't think I'm weird. She says things like "well, you're my child" & "you are Bean" as though they are the only explanation she ever needs for anything I do or don't do. It's ok, the love of a parent, perfect in it's imperfection.
I want to be more patient, because she IS a good mum, and our differences don't change that. I do so appreciate her and I LOVE our oom pa pa mornings, starting the day with a laugh, a joke, and some silliness sets the tone for the rest of the day 'smile a while and give yourself a rest'. When things are tough, or hard, or I feel down, it really does take only a little oom pah pah to keep going or get through, I treasure these moments, small pleasures are enough to make a fine life .
BULLSEYE!!! Ra Ra skirts at the ready!
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Wow I hadn't actually noticed that 10 days had passed since my last blog.
I'll just do a quick one. I have been busy in the process of adapting to my new lifestyle, which has just gone horribly lol. I was in alot of pain for a week with TOM, so everything pretty much halted till it bailed, then after that I've basically just been not getting it quite right.
Honestly it's not even about getting it right, I've just been a disorganised mess that hasn't fully committed. That's the true issue commitment, and I've just been slooooooooooooooooooooooow. I'm procrastinating and dragging my feet. I don't need to analyse why, I just need a bitch slap, which I will give myself in short order.
In other news, seriously though, I thought rebounding was meant to be gentle exercise! I first heard about it from some free book I got with my juicer an age ago called 7lbs in 7 days. It claimed that rebounding was great to do whilst juice fasting because it was gentle. I thought well everyone needs a bit of gentle even when they're not fasting, plus it's supposed to be great for the lymphatic system. So I thought I'd get one, back when it was black friday, then my mum could use it too as she has arthritis. She quit after 30 seconds as it was making her dizzy....and then I started using it, to GENTLY ease myself into exercising only to find out the author of the book LIED!!!!! There's nothing gentle about it!! I have never ached so much, my calves burn, my thighs burn, my tummy is tight and sore, my back aches, even my collar bone feels 'worked out', what the hell, this is worse than running/jogging/walking/falling all over the place. And wait for it, guess how long I rebound for....4 MINUTES, I'm not even up to 5 mins yet, I can just about jump through Uptown Funk, before collapsing on the sofa... I don't even make it to All about that Bass, pffffttt. I'm slightly masochistic though, so I'm kinda glad it's working me out more than I expected. I will prevail, 5 minutes, ha, I'll see you and raise you ten!!
Title of my blog comes from a day where I DID get something right and felt happy and proud
(my DIY lab!! the giant tub of coconut oil was out of sight since it was still melting whilst I prepped everything else)
I finally got my act together and made my 'products'. Honestly this started out as a way to reduce the amount of chemicals in my life to help with the autoimmune stuff a year or so ago now, but you know I really really enjoy doing it and just get sheer pleasure out of making up new recipes and having them work out cool. I tried making 'perfume/body spray' for the first time and I LOVE IT. It came out amazing, the scent sticks around for hours and it can be spritzed anytime to refresh, so simple yet effective, I get to wear scents again!
So all in all I made, Lemongrass Salt Body Scrub, 6 Mix Hair & Body Oil, Ylang Ylang perfume, Lavendar perfume, Lavender Deodorant, Eucalyptus & Rosemary Deodorant and ACV Body Spritz.
I didn't get to make my toothpaste as I clean forgot to bring my peppermint oil, so I have the oil on order and will be making my toothpaste when it comes. There are things that I make as and when needed, such as hair conditioner, shampoo(which is actually a clay wash), face mask, and a tooth cleanser which isn't for daily use that I call 'tooth blast', that has cloves and charcoal in it for whitening and deep cleansing purposes. Anyway my bottles may not be pretty but they are fit for purpose! I need labels though since I ran out. I want to, in the near future, start to make lip balm and some of my own scented candles, since I can't seem to give up my candle addiction. Beeswax is better than paraffin so I heard.
Anyhoo I shall be back to blogging soon hopefully!
Sunday, December 07, 2014
My sister is annoyed with me....and I'm kinda annoyed that she's annoyed and am feeling pressured.
I've been in the country for what 3 weeks almost I think and I haven't seen my sister or my nephews yet. Which is not something I'm really happy with either and I had planned to go round twice now but never actually made it.
I obviously haven't been round there because I'm STILL decompressing from the journey here, I get panic attacks if I leave the house for longer than my walk time, and have been needing alot of alone time, as I still have quite bad sensory overload and find it impossible to follow conversations with more than 1 person (my main sensory problems are with sound and visuals). I've been slowly extending my limits, by extending my walking time and going further out from the house and just trying to get back to where I was stamina wise and mentally.
Every time, ie the TWO times I've cancelled, I have gotten ready to leave and my panic attack was so bad I just came back home (y'all know I can't take public transport right now as that makes my panic attacks worse, and the walk there and back is about 45mins each way...which is a long ass time to panic and hyperventilate). Plus I need the energy to actually hang out with them as they don't really accept or know what to do with the depressed version of me so if I'm there I have to have 'happy face' or be 'energy Bean' and I just don't have the stuffing right now to deal with it. They KNOW I'm agoraphobic, they KNOW I have ocd, they KNOW I have clinical depression, they also know that I do love spending time with them, so it's not laziness why I haven't seen them yet. Still they are annoyed with me and my sister just sent me a text berating me for not a) apologising sooner for not coming over (I already apologised, she just wanted another one) and b) being so inconsiderate as to not turn up.
I literally just wanna cry right now, I don't choose to be this way, don't you think I'd just leave the damn house if it were that easy. I just support myself, the end, everyone else just gets annoyed with me that I can't fulfill what it is they want from me. They want the happy me...everything else is just annoyance. Don't people want to be accepted totally, or at the very least just understand that sometimes people need space and time....
This pressure to put on a smiley face and pretend like I don't struggle as much as I do or the pressure to only give the good side of yourself otherwise people get a rage attack. When I was here in the summer, I was doing the juice fast, and there were some seriously difficult days, and yup on those days they got annoyed with me again. Because I couldn't laugh jump and play... they were annoyed that I had chosen to do something for my health which meant I couldn't just eat cake and be merry. I was mainly berated then for being 'insane' and 'disgusting', regardless of the continuing health improvements I saw they just weren't supportive in anyway shape or form. I didn't say much, just carried on or stayed home when the vibe was too negative.
I get that they just want to hang out and have a good time and enjoy my company, but I don't like feeling pressured into pretending, or pushing my limits further than they want to go right now to please others. I used to do that...then landed in hospital, where those people I was trying to please didn't visit once....was it worth it?
My nephews said that if I'm still not feeling that great they will come over here to spend some time and hang out.....my sister is refusing to, her reason, my mum said, was as follows 'well, if she can't be bothered to come here, why should I go there' .......
The final message I got sent via txt before I just stopped responding with apologies was 'I don't care how sick or hormonal you are, you need to have more respect for us' Being restricted by mental health problems is apparently a sign that you don't respect people, since the only thing I'm guilty of here is not going to their house, I txted every time I wasn't going to make it and explained why. I always suspected that they didn't understand or care....but to see it in black and white! After that *I* stopped caring, I had and was continuing to apologise before that final text, but I don't think I'm sorry anymore....disappointments happen, gtfo, everyone else does, I'm not interested in the drama attack, after being told such a thing.
I just want to be alone right now, unfortunately this has made me not want to spend ANY time with them or anyone actually. Are they going to talk about how selfish I am if I don't smile enough on the visit, or how inconsiderate I am if I don't spend enough time there. My mum thinks I'll change my mind when I calm down.... but what about the next time.
I can, I will, I must. I will take care of myself as I always do. I will put my health first as I always do. I will continue to work on myself and my problems as I always do. I will respect myself first and foremost, I don't have space or time for pressure from external sources. I am not going to take on the responsibility of teaching others compassion, I have enough to deal with.
I have plans, I have a place I'm headed to, I will always be by my side, I will love and support myself, I will never judge me for having mental health problems. I will always have my own back. It's ok, I have me. I'll make it eventually, Self hug
No man is an island.....except when they are.
Keep calm and carry on.
Thursday, December 04, 2014
Toot Toot!! Party time!!
You know I heard a rumour that everyone in this video is over 40, if true I just LOVE this, not only is it my current jam on constant replay but, you know, what better birthday song than one that promotes beauty and vitality for us pre internet generation . SO friends join me in a glass of (virtual) champers as we toast to growing older disgracefully, rambunctiously and continuing to go get it at any age!! (and by it, I mean life....such gutter minds )
I've had a grand day! I just had to fistpump this morning as I finally got my act together and have my morning routine back. No rolling over and starting the day on the wrong foot.
At 7 I crept (loudly, because I'm a drama queen and do a Panto creep) into my mums room, and as I'd pretty much, every morning, since the 1st of December greeted in her room by singing Celebration and dancing she basically beat me to the punch before I could even say morning, and started singing and dancing Who doesn't wanna wake up this way, lol, it was alot of fun, the two of us singing and dancing in our jammys!
She got me an Angel bookmark with my birthstone in it, turquoise, it's so pretty! And bless her she got some stickers for my card, and put 34 in gold on it, lol, it was awesome.
Almost all of the presents I got myself came so I got to wear my new boots and my "I AM OTHER" jumper. I didn't even know it was a Pharell jumper, I liked it cause it was on sale, and promotes being 'different' but since I'm a little bit in love with him it makes it even cooler lol.
I'll use the nike+ watch, tomorrow on my, run/jog/walk/topple...eeeeeek! Honestly, I didn't even do much today, and wait for it...... I even took a damn nap LOL. Dude, I had a major sugar crash. My mum had baked THREE cakes, and then she made muffins, and there were brownies AND I allowed myself some..ok lots... of that fancy organic soda that is made with agave instead of aspartame, but sugar is still sugar. Then there was just lots of food. Yup, your girl needed to nap that stuff off. I am happy though
Tomorrow I begin my lifestyle change (so she says) so I'm really looking forward to some green juice, fresh air, and exercise. One thing I do want to continue for the rest of the month though, is the deep happy happy joy joy that comes from choosing to appreciate what you have and be grateful for simply being alive. It's enough for me.
I wished on my candle (Oh yeah my mum got me a giant blue singing candle too!!) to make 34 better than 33. I can, I will, I must!!!
Thanks for stopping by! And remember fabulous at every age!
I leave you with Ms Turner, 70, and still getting it, I'll have some of that thank you!!
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