A_RARE_BEAN   46,644
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Jan Jan Jan

Monday, January 16, 2012

Happy New Year :o) :o)

Ok Ok jan is halfway through so I'm kinda late but my back on plan plan didn't start till yesterday

2011 was a year I'm not sorry to see go, I'm looking forward to FINALLY making it closer to goal weight in this shiny new year :). Can you believe I've been here for over 4 years now... really I can't keep going in circles like this.

Sooooo I'm looking forward to continuing this journey in 2012 and trying to understand myself even more, and moving forward instead of in circles constantly.

So since there are 2 weeks left of jan to play with and still ample time to lose a couple of lbs to get things started some Jan goals for y'all

emoticon clock up 35 miles (walkin)

emoticon complete juice detox

emoticon clock up 6 yoga sessions

Hmm doable right right emoticon the juice cleanse is gonna be hard... without trying I've managed to incorporate 3 fresh veg juices a day into my routine but umm... nothing but juice all day for 7 days.. yeah that's gonna be hard lol. Worth a try though emoticon

I'm going to be continuing with the report card system weekly and will check back in with my jan goals in 2 weeks!

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

STEPHANIE0904 1/22/2012 10:04AM

    Good goals!!! You can do this. I am hoping that we can do a better job of keeping in touch - that's both of our faults....

Happy Sunday

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KILLERANGEL47 1/17/2012 5:03AM

    I'm glad that you are getting back on track and that you have set great goals for yourself, too! emoticon emoticon

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DRKEYEZ820 1/16/2012 12:56PM

    Yay girl for being back on plan!!! Im so excited to see u back! emoticon

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MAMACAT2_3 1/16/2012 12:40PM

    emoticon For being back on plan, you can do it!!

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TEXASFILLY 1/16/2012 7:32AM

    YAY! So good to see you recommitting to your success, dear heart! Sounds like some great goals! Just tackle 'em one day at a time. It's all the Good Lord gives us and it is enough. God bless~ *hugs* BB~ emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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STALEYK 1/16/2012 5:03AM

    This is a New Year...new things to accomplish. We can do it! Together we can meet our goals!

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Startin' Over

Sunday, November 20, 2011

I've been gone, and it's been tough.

I fell into a pit of despair and old thinking habits which has been extremely difficult to get out of. I've cried so much my eyes literally feel too heavy to lift lol and it's been a full week now emoticon

Today is a fresh start for me... well more likely next weekend..

Why next weekend, well that's when the ex has promised to finally severe all financial ties between us. It's been hard accepting that someone I cared for for 6 years is an emotionally abusive person. The way they get inside your mind to make you think it really was your fault all along.

Although he left to live in NY I still had accounts I use that were in his name, and I've been trying to change this over the past month after he was cruel to me yet again. It's not been easy talking to him, in fact it's made me feel pretty useless and worthless and I'll be glad when this is done and I can cut him out and no longer speak to him at all. He's not making it easy, dragging this out like a chief, guess some people like to maintain a hold on you even though you've backed right away. I rarely talked about how abusive he was, just because I guess i felt it was my fault (classic), tried to concentrate on the good i guess.

I feel drained and don't ever want to give someone that kind of power over me again. I've even had to start taking anti anxiety meds, that's how badly I was dealing with trying to sort this. There's only so many times you can be told what a horrendous person you are emoticon

I want to pick myself back up again, get of the anxiety meds, and restart looking for work and getting somewhere with my life :o)

What better place to start that than good ole spark!!!

I worked out today first time in ages, my eating has been sporadic but I'm the same weight 178lbs. I mainly just want to feel better in myself so I'm not setting weight goals or anything.

Maybe will do the report card thing again to make sure I'm feeling better whilst working on emotionally putting it back together.

So lets see, previous report cards were to get/do

emoticon = 8 glasses of water

emoticon = 5 fruits/veggies

emoticon = 30mins cardio

emoticon = 30 min walk

emoticon 1 daily affirmations/reasons for success

No goals, just gonna see the lay of the land by next week, I just want to feel better emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TEXASFILLY 12/17/2011 6:32PM

    Hey dear heart~ *hugs* I'm so sorry I've lost track of you, and am so late responding to your blog. *hugs* I hope things are better for you now, and that you've cut that sorry rascal outta your life. ACK! No time or room for that in your precious life! Please be in touch~ we're out of school for two weeks and I'd love to catch up with you. God bless you, sweetness~ *hugs* BB~ emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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NIGHTSRAINFALL 11/22/2011 7:09AM

    Welcome back. Sorry to hear about the guy drawing things out when it's not wanted. Maybe there is a way to move it faster without him?

I'm pretty much in the same boat in regards to weight and starting over. Hopefully we both stick with it, if nothing else we are learning here and there as we go.

Good luck - It's nice to hear from you again?

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CHOUBROU 11/20/2011 9:44PM

    I'm sorry to read about the bad bad relationship...that's a really tough situation! But in the end, it's better to sever ties. Eventually with time things will get better, even though it doesn't feel that way now!

It's never too late to begin again with the wellness goals. Don't give up! There's a lot to learn in the journey.

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ABISMITHY 11/20/2011 9:37PM

    I'm sure you'll start to feel better about things soon, Bean! Good idea with the report cards (I liked reading those before!).

You can do this! It's great that you maintained and you can just pick up where you left off.

You can do it!!!!


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Going Slow

Monday, October 03, 2011

Wow, last blog was almost a month ago, crazy!!

I'm still feeling ill, but not as bad so I'm hoping this means I'm getting better. Two solid weeks of feeling l ike I was gonna keel over if I was stood up for too long. I have a cough and am still kinda congested BUT I managed to do a workout today!!!

Ha, I certainly felt it after having been laid up for 2 weeks, and not being back to full health, but I'm so glad i got to move and get my heart rate up :o)

I had a tough time staying mentally strong whilst being ill, as I'm sure I've mentioned exercise and getting out for walks is how i stay sane. So I'm not a bouncing bean but I'm a recovering bean :o)

I'm really trying to clean up my food at the moment. I've been considering a partial vegan diet, so have been researching it to see if it's something I could or would do.

My weigh in was yesterday and I think i put on .4 or something, which given the way september went is actually a suprise to me. I was expecting a serious gain!!

The week my degree certificate came I was taken out to afternoon tea to celebrate it was soooooo good and indulgent, made me sicker dragging myself outta bed to go, but I had a lovely time (inbetween napping on the train lol :o) )

So there you have it, I think I'm finally getting better, so again trying to get back on the exercise and really focusing on nutrition. I hope through that my mood will start to lift too, as I dont feel too clever at the moment

Here's to October!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ABISMITHY 10/21/2011 6:31PM

    So glad to hear that you're feeling better - you sound like Upbeat bean!


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KILLERANGEL47 10/16/2011 8:49PM

    I'm glad you are feeling better! emoticon Don't worry about the 0.4 pound gain. I bet you burnt that off ages ago! How are things with atm. I'm sorry I haven't been doing much sparking lately, my thesis was taking up a lot of my time. Its almost finished now, though! emoticon

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TEXASFILLY 10/6/2011 6:20PM

    *hugs* Good news to hear you're on the mend, you Precious Bean~ *hugs* Happy to hear you spend a wonderful day with your Mum, too~ she must be one special lady to have such a great daughter as you! emoticon emoticon BB~ emoticon

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GIRL*IN*MOTION 10/3/2011 3:46PM

    So glad you are on the mend and feeling better! Its tough staying on track when you don't feel 100% but you seem to have done awesome! I too switched 4 weeks ago to vegetarian (Lacto-Ovo) and its been a great change for us. Best of luck :)

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MARGIE4230 10/3/2011 3:43PM


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Dusting Myself Off

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

So yesterday I had a MAJOR pity party for one. Actually it wasn't really pity, I was mad, really mad with myself and frustrated.

Yesterday was my first ballet class, and I spent it sitting on my sofa crying like a baby and throwing my toys out the pram because my 'mind' wouldn't co operate.

My bag was packed with my shiny new ballet shoes, leggings, t-shirt (decided against the leotard once I saw myself in it!) sports bra, nervous but READY.

I got to the tube station and had a major episode. I got dizzy, my legs wouldn't move, sound became painfully loud, I couldn't focus on anything visually, heart racing, cold sweats, slurred speech. Then my brain went awol, I stood confused and dazed, couldn't hold an entire sentence in my brain. Don't ask me how i got home as I don't remember... memory loss is quite typical after the halfway point.

I haven't had one in SUCH a long time (ok well MAY isn't that long ago but when your used to having had them everyday 4 months is positively an eternity!!!)

I got super frustrated and thought why are you doing this now. Being hard on myself didn't get me anywhere, internally yelling 'just get on the damn train and quit it' really doesn't work with this kinda thing, as when my brain starts to check out, from experience, there is nothing i can do except get to a safe place until it resets, and LEARN from what preparation I might have missed.

Since my brain imploded in 2006 from what the doctors call a 'catastrophic stress event' (complete nervous breakdown to you and I ;o) ) I've worked tirelessly to understand, rebuild and overcome. There's always been one thing though that has been more about prevention than anything else as no amount of therapy sessions helped it, my sensory threshold. I struggle to follow conversations when there's alot of background noise, I struggle to focus in on a target visually when there's alot of background distractors (think picking someone out of a throbbing crowd.) I had to quit my job as a bartender as mostly I couldn't 'hear' what people were ordering, I LOVED being a bartender. There's nothing wrong with my hearing or sight, my brain just seems to have a shut off mechanism when thing's get too 'busy'. It was only 3 weeks ago my friend had to take me home from a night out as I couldn't 'hear' anymore, even though I was having a good time, my brain still checked out.

I've learnt tricks to manage it, but I guess I sort of 'forgot' and thought I'd be A ok getting on a tube, in rush hour, in central london. I mean crikey, i know hindsight is 20/20 but I really can't believe I didn't do my usual of checking the route out first, picking the quietest one, and doing a dry run first. I also didn't maintain a constant exposure to noise and motion by getting out of the house daily for X amount of time. Keeping my exposure up so my threshold didn't drop to stupidly low. So whilst I wasn't mad about being 'wired' differently after 06 I was mad I messed up so badly on preparation and MISSED my first class that I'd been raving about. I knew people were gonna ask me how it went, and I knew I was gonna have to say I farked up, because I mismanaged myself.

I'll admit it, sometimes I wish I was normal, you know, I wish I didn't have to think about these things, that all I had to do was a pep talk when i got scared and away I'd go
emoticon . BUT those aren't my choices are they, what happened happened, who i am is who i am, so my choices are manage it with meds or with lifestyle. I've chosen to manage my mental health with lifestyle, I'll make slip ups, but it's important to know that being different and having to manage my life differently does not make me a failure, or stop me from doing the things I want to do. I just need to think about it, prepare, then walk my path when I figure out how to overcome obstacles.

So I'm on a mission to get to class next week! New route planned out, will be taking train as there isn't enough time to acclimatise to rush hour tube within a week. PLUS a dry run before hand.

How do I feel today? I'm not a bouncing Bean today, but I am smiling. Smiling because people are so awesome and caring when I find it hard to be. I'm SO thankful for the wonderful people who've been supportive to me over the past couple of days. Y'all know who you are emoticon Besos!!! It's not the end of the world, it's just one class, I'm not back in full relapse mode, it was just poor preparation, so I shouldn't have been so hard on myself. We all make mistakes, I'm ready for a new day!!

So now I just got done with the dusting myself off, evaluating and assessing, I've got to get back up, get back to it and I'M GOING TO CLASS NEXT WEEK!!!!!

virtual hug for y'all

emoticon emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TEXASFILLY 9/14/2011 7:41PM

    You're a precious Bean is who you are! *Hugs* I'm so proud of you for taking care of yourself. You took the proactive approach to managing your life and it WILL be for your highest good, dear heart. Keep up the good work~ I'm truly proud to call you my SP friend! *hugs* BB~ emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 9/14/2011 7:42:16 PM

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JESSICAPAGE 9/14/2011 9:53AM

    Good for you Luv! emoticon

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ABISMITHY 9/13/2011 5:11PM

    Well done Bean on your blog. I am sorry that you forgot to pre-plan but I hope that you will have time to go through the planning before next week's class.

I look forward to hearing about it - I'm sure you'll get there and have lots of fun!

Take care and well done... I'm proud of you!

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DRKEYEZ820 9/13/2011 4:30PM

    *HUGS* WTG Bean! That was an AMAZING blog! I am so proud of u for writing it. You have come A LONG WAY~ but ur still moving along, ur not stopping. It might take u longer then others but ur still going girl. Thats what its all about! I love this determination in you! Its AWESOME to see! I want to hear all about the ballet class. Promise me u will tell me all about it! U can do this, and u will! Even if it takes u a few tries, u will get there. I KNOW U WILL! So i want to know everything.
Amazing amazing amazing blog. I am so proud of u!

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FANORONHA_14 9/13/2011 3:58PM

    You are emoticonYou are emoticon
Life is Good!
Good health is the Greatest Wealth!
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Philippians 4:13

If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet.
Matthew 10:14

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According to spark...

Sunday, September 11, 2011

it's a new week, all the stats on the front page have reset SOOOOOOO.... I'ma start the week out right with......

A BUFFY marathon, popcorn, and a good chillax emoticon
(btw how epic was the torchwood finale!!!)

Hehe, bet you thought I was gonna say a 20 mile run, 300 hours of insanity, and some butt busting ST. Nope emoticon

"stop and smell the roses - OINK"

Today I'm just going to enjoy the day, and remember why I do what I do. I dragged myself through last week, trying really hard to get some workouts in, battle pain and hormonal barrages. Sometimes when the train has been at full throttle it's time to STOP, oil that engine so it can go again!!

Today I'm tired, today I don't want to push anything, today I want to smile just because, today I want to reaffirm why I wake up every morning and attack the day with everything I have, today is for the small things, today is for simply existing and being grateful just for that.

So as I normally wish you a healthful day, today I'm wishing you a slice of fun, and time off to remember what life's about for you when all is still, especially on a day like today.

Peace and Blessings

Bean out


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MUNCHIE718 9/11/2011 11:01AM

  Enjoy your Buffy marathon! I have been thinking that I need to bring out the buffy dvds recently, too. Watching her & Faith kick some serious butt may help motivate me to do my ST.

I'll be enjoying the day tv-free (except for the True Blood finale). I lived in NYC on 9/11, so I really don't need all the 24/7 news coverage to remember what happened.

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TERRIPAL1 9/11/2011 10:48AM

    Enjoy the day and peace& blessings to you too!

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