Thursday, December 05, 2013
I've put it off as long as I could but I started TribeWriters today.
TribeWriters is a course for writers.
That means I'm a writer.
It's really hard to say that, even virtually, to strangers!
I've always wanted to be a writer.
I just didn't think I could.
I thought "being a writer" was some kind of "special designation" that would only be handed out to certain, highly skilled, influential people after decades of writing thousands of pages of "proven", meaningful, socially-accepted literature. I could never qualify! I don't have any training! I never even took a creative writing course (they didn't offer those in rural high schools in the 70s).
My only 'real' attempt at writing was when I was 13 and I submitted a story, handwritten on binder paper, to a story contest in 'Seventeen' magazine. It was drivel and I never heard back from them.
I've started -- and quit -- several blogs over the past decade but I never stuck to them long: fear would set in, "why would anyone want to read this crap?" and I'd delete them all. I didn't save them to disc and even Internet Archive doesn't have anything so they're gone forever. Probably a good thing.
A lot of my writing has been done on forums like this and some on Facebook, but again, I never saved any of it (and I deleted my Facebook account; again, out of fear of exposing my weakness and insufficiency).
Doing NaNoWriMo has kind of forced me to make peace with the idea of calling myself a writer. I didn't get 50,000 words, barely over 17,000 for the month. Every couple of days hubby would ask how much I'd written and I'd tell him 800 words, or 1100, or whatever - but it still feels alien to be talking about being a writer.
Never mind that it's something I've wanted to do since I was old enough to read. That's only 45 years or so.....no hurry...
But I've started this course and one of the first assignments involves "finding your voice". I know what my voice is, I just can't hear it because I've spent too many decades sitting in the corner afraid to even whisper
"I'm a writer".
Wednesday, December 04, 2013
My mini challenge to get through to the end of the year is going pretty well.
Got my ST exercise in and got my steps up to 7 or 8 thousand each day
(last week I had less than that for the WHOLE week! that's how sad I've been at exercising!!)
got my food tracked but didn't do so well today, under by a couple of hundred calories...do better tomorrow
water is improving - not perfect but at least it's on my mind
SparkPoints over 100 each day
So far, so good!
Tuesday, December 03, 2013
Today I've been re-defining my SparkPeople experience. I've gotten just a little distracted - way too many teams, way too many challenges, way too much going on. It's been driving me more than a little crazy, and hubby hasn't appreciated when I say I can't do something like watch a show with him because I still have team stuff to do.
At the same time, I've been trying to do so many things that none of them has been done very well.
My goals for 2013 are looking a little tattered. They were simple goals:
God, Hubby, Health, Home, Me - but they've become neglected, kicked aside as I spend way too much time reading what *other* people are doing in their lives and for *their* health! I need to reclaim my goals and start thinking of what they'll look like for next year.
...as an aside, because it seems important...
Putting "Me" as a goal really goes against everything I've ever been taught. I grew up with the "good girls don't think of themselves" idea of putting myself last, in everything, all the time. But that kind of all or nothing thinking has not served me well. Look where it's gotten me! Over 100 pounds overweight and sitting on dreams I've had since I was a child because, well, "good girls" just don't ever put themselves first, in anything,
...back to what I was saying...
I'm stretched a little too thin (...I wish! ...figuratively speaking). I can't even keep track of all the things I'm "supposed" to be doing...
...and I've learned that when that phrase "supposed to" shows up, it's not usually good.
So, as part of my Thirty Days til the New Year self-challenge I'm streamlining what I'm participating in. It's involved some hard choices - I like being part of teams! I like hanging out with people! I like learning things and contributing, even if it's only an emoticon. But I'm also so far off course that I'm not helping anyone, least of all me. Something's gotta give - and that "something" is my Sparktime.
There are many good reasons why I'm involved in different teams - each team offers something that appeals to me - but hubby asked me last night to consider the difference between 'good' and 'best'....best for me...at this point in time.
At this point in time I need to focus on my health/fitness/diet. Get back to the stuff I was doing so well last spring before I started getting sidetracked in team stuff.
I've gotta stop jumping all over the place like a jack rabbit and stick with some basic things. I'm re-aligning my habits to match my goals, which means taking out some things. Decluttering my head like I declutter my house (I notice I haven't been making any progress on that lately either...all or nothing again!)
I'm not where I wanted to be in my weight goals. There was no deadline but I did kind of want to fast-track this weight loss so I could get back to some things next summer that I haven't done in a few years.
It would be easy to let that turn that into one of those negative thoughts "I was SUPPOSED to lose all this weight by now, but I didn't - I'm such a failure", but I'm not going to let that happen.
"I'm supposed to exercise", "I'm supposed to track my food", "I'm supposed to post on my teams"...it's endless! Those "supposed to" thoughts always make me react out of fear, rather than acting out of confidence and purpose. I'm getting rid of "I'm supposed to" and replacing it with "I will".
To those whose teams I have left, please bear with me. It's a decision I had to make for my own sake. What you are offering is valuable - I'm either not ready for it or choose to use my time for more specific goals right now.
Monday, December 02, 2013
I've been way off track lately but I'm challenging myself to see what I can do in the next 30 days.
Goals: lose 5 pounds
drink my water every day
get back into my exercise routine (ST and steps)
track/earn my SparkPoints
Thirty days is more than enough time to start a new habit - if you've been dithering about starting something, don't wait til January - start now and you'll be a month ahead of yourself when the New Year rolls around!
Sunday, December 01, 2013
You know what I was saying about that e-book subscription?
$8.99 a month to read all of one publisher's books...
...it was a good deal, right?
$8.99 a month to read about 34,000,000 books.
I sort of lost count.
If you don't hear from me for a while you'll know why.
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