Monday, July 14, 2014
If you haven't seen it already, I encourage you to check out SparkGuy's blog about the challenges he's been facing this year - and how he's pushing through it.
It's not just you - even SparkGuy can't do it all, all the time.
Thursday, June 26, 2014
I like words. I used to read the dictionary for fun (seriously). I like how words go in, and out, of fashion, change meanings and get twisted into new words.
I also like doing word studies from the Bible - why was this word used and not that other, more common word? What does it signify?
Yesterday I was pondering the words in Proverbs 16:3:
Commit thy works unto the Lord, and thy thoughts shall be established.
That word "thoughts" is translated as plans, mighty deeds and power in other places.
I've never understood why we would commit our works to the Lord FIRST and THEN our plans would be established.
Wouldn't it make more sense to commit our PLANS to the Lord and let Him establish our works? That's always puzzled me and it was still puzzling me yesterday when I was thinking about it.
I looked at the word for "works" - it's translated as: works, deeds, labour, occupation, and such. Nothing enlightening for me from that.
So I decided to look at the word "commit " --- maybe there was something there that made the difference.
That word commit? -- the Hebrew word "galal" (Strong's #H1556 see link below) -- it's translated as roll - like roll on the ground.
Or like in Gen. 29:3 - they rolled the stone from the well's mouth to water the sheep.
Now I'm more puzzled --- "commit" means roll?
There are other words in the Old Testament that are similar - stay with me here, I know I don't explain it well --- committing trespasses and committing adultery and committing abominations --- those are all different types of "commit". I'm no scholar, but they seem to me to be more "action" verbs, something people are actively doing, versus this statement of intent type word in Prov 16.
Why would commit be equivalent to roll - and it flashed through my mind that to roll a stone over the mouth of a well or cave is kind of similar to rolling a stone over the mouth of a tomb, like when Jesus was entombed after His death.
So I went to Mark 16 and found the Greek word for "roll". It didn't really help - it just means roll and it's not used in any other way in the New Testament.
But above the word was an entry for a Bible dictionary:
" This word is used in the Gospels to refer to the stone that was in front of the tomb of Jesus. In Palestine, graves were usually in a depression and the stone was rolled down an incline to cover the mouth of the tomb. For a small grave, about twenty men were required to roll a stone down hill to cover the door of the tomb. The Bible tells us that the stone covering the door of the tomb was a large stone. The women would have needed more men than even a full Roman guard of sixteen men to roll away the stone. This was a major task. " bit.ly/TAX7q6
Twenty men! To roll it downhill - - - let alone to pull it away again!
Once that stone was in place there was no going back.
You were committed.
Commit thy works to the Lord - it really jumped out at me.
Stop dithering and DO IT.
Not just start, but roll the stone over the door and don't look back.
Commit to commencing, and continuing, action, and He will establish your plans.
Commit to action, even if you don't know where it'll end up or where it will take you. Just get up and get doing something.
Like I said, I'm not saying that's what it is, this is just an application that I made from what I read. There are so many ways I can use this right now - in decisions that have to be made in our family, in my fitness, in eating and diet, in wanting to be purposeful in my writing.
Time to roll the stone.
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Anyone who knows OVERACTIVEELBOW knows how sweet and kind and caring she is. She is a boundless spring of encouragement and empathy. I wish I lived down the road from her so I could bother her...er, drop in on ... her in real life. She is a much better friend to me than I am to her.
Being an awesome friend she took the time to respond to something I wrote on one of our team walls the other day. bit.ly/1rmRgQQ
"Motivation... find the reason you really truly desperately want to get healthier... the reason that is just for YOU. JUST FOR YOU!! You know the drill..." she said.
I do know the drill.
And I have my list of ten or more reasons why I must get healthier.
The truth is, deep down I don't believe I deserve it.
It's why the instant I took my focus off Sparking, back in January, to focus on more serious things with DS, my weight shot back up to where it was this time last year --- almost 30 pounds I've gained in a few short months, after I was doing so well.
My weight loss wasn't sustained because even after nearly a year of good habits there's something underneath all that that says 'I'm unworthy'.
I'm working on those deep issues - and finding solutions to them.
As a Christian I've had a very dogmatic church background. Now I'm fighting some of the 'truths' I've learned in church -- where the preacher is "king" and anything he says goes, even when he's wrong.
As a child whose parents were both drunkards, fighting all the time, I learned to be quiet and stay out of sight and under no circumstance to question them about their behaviour even when it was frightening and bewildering and frankly, inexcusable. "Do as I say and not as I do" was a major theme in our home.
As a daughter to a man who brought women home behind Mom's back, in Mom's own bed, when she was away working, I learned that sex was a commodity to be traded, with no meaning other than to satisfy physical lust.
This conflicted greatly with what I learned in church, of course, and that dissonance has haunted me most of my life.
As a step-daughter who was not adopted by my step-father -- while my brother was and took his name -- I learned I did not count. I was not worthy.
Married to my abusive first husband, who told me openly that he married me only for sex and who promptly "fell in love" with someone else (he divorced me and married her - they're still married thirty years later) I've carried the shame of being a "divorced woman" around for decades (divorce, and particularly remarriage after divorce, under any circumstance, is not an option in the churches I grew up in). I learned again that men were not to be trusted; that love meant nothing and that I wasn't worthy.
All of these things have shaped the way I think about myself and about the world. I got the messages loud and clear. I'm not good enough. And I've believed it for a very long time.
The "church" part of me counters with "Of course you're not good enough. No one is good enough. We all deserve hell." That's the message that was preached in virtually every church service I've been to (I stopped going about 10 years ago) It was never balanced with "God loves you" because the preachers didn't want anyone to get uppity. It worked.
Before I can "find the reason I really truly desperately want to get healthier... the reason that is just for ME" I need to believe that I deserve it.
There are elements of truth I can learn from each of these situations:
-my parents weren't perfect, they could only do what they knew to do; no one's childhood is perfect
- my step-father was over thirty years older than my mother - he was from a generation that valued sons. He offered my mother a name and a home and an escape from her life with my father. It wasn't about me; he was just from a different generation.
-preachers forget that not everyone is as far along as they are (or as far as they like to appear to be) -- and preachers aren't perfect either (despite what they say).
-church and faith do not exist to serve preachers. My eyes should be on God alone and not on some guy in a suit at the front of the room.
-my ex was just an 18yo kid like me -- we had no business getting married (we were "encouraged" to do so by the preacher, the same one who expected his every word to be obeyed - he felt we were going to 'fall into sin' because we spent too much time together). Neither of us had parents who offered us any guidance so we did the best we could with what we knew. It just didn't work out.
Slowly these truths are starting to sink in - but it takes a very long time to erase the legacy of voices in my head and replace them with better ones.
I think I'm getting close. I kind of see a glimmer of it, a glow, like just before a sunrise. It's not morning yet but it's not completely dark anymore either. And my night sky has stars in it like Audra who help me so much by believing in me when I can't believe in myself.
Thank you, my friend!
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