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It's been a long time!

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

It really is amazing what a little self care can do. Things here have been so stressful the past couple of months, I could hardly function. Minimally at best. I made it to work ( often in body only), couldn't think to cook or plan, so there was a lot of eating out, which is stupid considering the money issues and economy. I justify it by thinking I am keeping them in business, though. The house was a wasteland and we were all basket cases. Why, you might ask?

1. One income short and the mom bank taking a hit from the stock market resulting in panic and guilt.
2. All 4 of us sick from Thanksgiving until a week or so ago and many rounds of antibiotics.
3. Boy, newly turned 12, lost his DS, ($!!!), lost his glasses (again), behaviorally a mess due to stress and little sister driving him nuts, needed 1 on 1 daily to pass math this quarter, meaning me doing 6th grade again and I have to say, I didn't like it the first time! Math and I have a real issue with each other. But, Jori is a math whiz and it's so easy for her, she can't break it down to anything he and I can understand! So, we made it and we got a C. Yea for us! Really!!!
4. Jori, too shy and not assertive enough, so she has to take another quarter of clinicals before she can graduate and move to a hospital 45 minutes out of town. No second income until at least June now. Yes, I let her live. She just is not outgoing and not fighting for procedures in the hospital environment. She'll get there, she usually does. I have to say that I was pretty mad at her about that and shutting down with house stuff and depression. But it's better now.
5. Dakota getting a little or a lot, actually too full of herself. She spent the two months of being sick with ear infection, etc, being mean, loud, demanding and uncooperative! Aggravating, but who can blame her really, huh? Ear infections HURT! But, pretty scary since she is usually a really happy kid. The Dr. finally gave her shots (major ouch) for her 4th round of antibiotics.
6. Had to deal with my sister...long story and long history. Lets just say that I would not choose her for a friend, which is sad. That whole thing is very complex and hard and dealing with her always leaves me feeling like my body has been sliced open and my insides are all over the floor. Sorry, graphic there. I need to work at protecting myself from her better.
7, Work, really frustrating and not the brain organization to get caught up.

The reality check........when the 3 year old is sobbing 0ne night huddled in the corner of her bed and doesn't want you. You finally coax out of her the problem and she tells you that she doesn't think God loves her. As the knife twists in your heart, you ask why, and she says "Because he won't give me a happy family"
After you get yourself back together, you have some big family discussions and decide that lots of things have got to change in a big way.

So, the solution?

1. You call in the mom and tell her we are falling apart and need help. She, God love her, comes down and spends days doing laundry, dishes, cooking for us, shuttling kids, so we can sleep and spend time doing math and reading books to Dakota, watching movies and having some quality time with our kids to remind us why we love them so doggone much.
2. You have some deep talks with the boy about the effects of the yelling and the general negativity and you remind him that he has a little sister who only wants to be loved and worships him.
3. You use a gift certificate for a free night at a state park lodge last weekend and me and honey went ALONE! My mentee from church had the kids and we didn't come home until late saturday night. We played games, slept, watched a movie, did a puzzle and ate healthy snacks with little guilt.
4. Along with that, it was our 17th anniversary and silly as it may seem, you take great pleasure in allowing yourself to purchase a PINK DS so that the parents can play some games to clear their heads and not have to worry about the boy taking it to school and losing it (did I say PINK? ah, yes, it was all part of our evil plan !) The boy will be working to earn enough money to buy a new one for himself and for now, doesn't know there is a DS in the house. (Hee, hee)

And the dear little perceptive 3 year old is now feeling better and is partially back to herself, although the residual behavior issues will take some time.

Then, can breathe a little more again.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DEEANN8 2/4/2009 5:04PM

    You certainly have your plate full. Hang in there.... sounds like you're on the right track to getting back on track.

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TWISTOLOMEW 2/4/2009 4:05PM

  I had been wondering where you drifted off to... apparently into the forest and back! As exhausting as all this was, there are a few good things to come of it. 1. you were able to hear your daughter and do something to correct the situation for most if not everybody and 2. you won't forget this for very long and it'll make life better in the long run.



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CALENSARIEL 2/4/2009 3:47PM

    Out of the mouths of babes comes some of the most amazing stuff, doesn't it? You sure got a lot on your plate, girlfriend. Sometimes I wonder how you (and a lot of other folks on here) keep on keeping on.

And let me say, I have the same history with my sis. It makes you sad that when you see her number on the caller ID your heart sinks. You got my prayers.

Big Hang-in-There Hugs,

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LUCKYDUCK2 2/4/2009 3:20PM

    I just don't know what to say! What a stressful last couple of months! You make my problems seem non-existent and so petty. (hang my head in shame here)

I wish we lived closer. It would be great to just get together at the Mall and walk some stress off. SIGH

Hugs and I hope things start to improve for you ASAP. You have a full plate. Ya for moms and friends who can step in and help.

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Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Let's see, where are we? Monday and this morning the scale said 340.8. Don't know how or why, but I'll take it. I did pretty good until supper today. I'm afraid it has been a fast drop to no where since then.

Things: (I like Vicki's lists...so I am pirating the idea. It seems more controlled somehow and boy do I need to see/feel that lately!)

1. I have to fess up and admit that I was a tyrant this weekend. Poor people. Nobody could do anything right. I finally melted down last night and cried for a while. That seemed to help some. Why the melt down, you might wonder?
Well, Chris, still not turning in his work and acting indignant about having to work on school work outside of school. He still has stuff and a lot of it that he should have turned in weeks ago that is either lost and needs redone, was never done, or is sitting in his folder after he says he did turn it in.
Then there's all the mess at work and the paperwork I can't focus on to get caught up.
The house, I know I say it all the time. There just isn't time to do much about it. I'm too tired and so is everyone else.
Found out Chris didn't misplace his glasses in the house, but when he was told to clean his room until he found them, he fessed up that he lost them again at the Y last week. ON THURSDAY!!!! Calls to the Y--no glasses. Criminetly!!!!

Today has been better. I didn't do didly squat at work outside of seeing clients. I did get a new pair of glasses ordered for Chris (maybe they will come in around the time that Dakota's come in and we can save ourselves a trip!) I guess it would be wrong of me to put superglue on the nose pads and on the temples right where the ears hit, huh? Shucks. It sure sounded like a good idea!

Dakota has a cold and we need to get her better, or we can't be at Dad's, so we stayed home from swimming tonight. I'm a little sad about not getting my laps in, but it was raining and windy and FREEZING outside. So, after dinner I took Chris upstairs and worked with him on math. It started out rough, but after a while we got a little slap happy and kept calling downstairs to ask Jori if we had reduced this or that fraction to it's simplest form. How the heck to I know!!! I made it through 6th grade once and did not plan on having to do it again, thank you very much. We decided that Math is dumb, that's just all there is to it. He was tired, but after an hour and a half we got done one of the 4 pages (front and back) that was due weeks ago. Now I will have no other option but to throw a complete conniption fit if he doesn't turn it in.

I want the pit in my stomach to be gone and the feeling that around the next corner, there will be another thing that has come unraveled that I have to figure out. I want to laugh and feel hope. I want to want to come home in the evenings. I want to feel like it's worth it and that someday I will be able to feel peaceful again. I want to feel like what I do matters somewhere to someone. I know it does, but it's hard to tell sometimes. I want to feel energy and have my thoughts land in something understandable that I can take action about! I want to see beauty and feel beauty around me.

I know that much of the problem is me lately. I pray that I am able to use my voice to praise, my ears to hear the good things, my arms to love, my face to smile, my feet to move forward, my eyes to envision the path and my mind to think clearly.

Thanks for listening. Shalom my friends.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DEEANN8 11/25/2008 7:17PM


Once again, I can so relate to all you're saying. I've had a very low productive day both Monday and Tuesday... and my stomach has been bothering me -- feels like stress. And Greg's had a bad cold and not been at work for several days now.

I don't know about you, but the holidays add lots of stress to me. Good thing is ... this too, shall pass. And we will get better and better at this.


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CALENSARIEL 11/25/2008 3:11PM

    I want the pit in my stomach to be gone and the feeling that around the next corner, there will be another thing that has come unraveled ...

Oh man, can't we all relate to that! For so many years we, too, lived with that "waiting for the other shoe to drop" feeling. Especially where Arn's job was concerned. We knew Arn's job was in jeopardy when we were going to court to finalize our adoption of Stef. We also knew if he got laid of first it would derail for us. Talk about praying! We were just so full of despair. But I finally decided that as long as I could pray, I could have hope. And fortunately, for us, he didn't get laid off until four weeks after our court appearance. Thank God!

So I pray alot, like when I breathe in and out. Maybe not the traditional, on-your-knees kind of prayer, just a constant whining and carrying-on to God! LOL
I got a fortune cookie once that I've kept for years. It says, "He who has hope has everything." It really gave me pause for thought.

Having been through an adoption, I know so well how many ups and downs there are. I also know how a person's heart has to be open to even adopt in the first place. And that open heart is what allows you to be so good at what you do at work, too. So at the same time that it's a blessing, it can also be a kind of curse. But life is like that. Always a tension. I'm beginning to think that "Peace" is actually a myth the government invented! (rolls eyes...)

Keep prayin', girlfriend, and we'll keep prayin' with ya!


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TWISTOLOMEW 11/25/2008 12:34PM

  well, if you're going to get into lists.. then I'll share my list tip.

I write down every itty bitty little thing that I *know* I'm going to get to, just so I can cross it off my list. That way I get a sense of accomplishment and from there, build momentum for getting more done!

I'm with Vicki - what you do with your life matters. Where would the kids in your life be, if you hadn't been there, with open arms?


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LUCKYDUCK2 11/25/2008 2:13AM

    Sweetie, there is NO WAY the problem is you. You have opened your heart and your home to these beautiful children and you are working hard to give them everything they need. Your adoption of them is giving them the home they needed from day one and got when they met you.

Your job demands more then physical labor....it is a labor from the soul and heart and that is draining.

Seriously, you give all of yourself.

Without my list of to-dos, I don't know if I would move. And I don't have 1/4 of the responsibility you deal with. Hugs and I hope you can have a relaxing weekend.

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Still coasting

Wednesday, November 19, 2008


1. No behavior contract (meaning expulsion if he screws up again) thanks to his teachers, who all told the Dean that he is their favorite student and is a wonderful kid. Thanks, God!

2. Chris "beaten up" on the bus on Friday and called into school again. This time, no consequences for him after interviewing students. He was the victim. He is fine, just had the scare of his life, not from the kid who hit him, but out of fear that he was in even more trouble.

3 Chris left binder on the bus when he was returned to the school on Friday and so has not turned in his work. Big F's when you pull his grades up. He did get it back today, though.

4. Prayers that things go well with Chris as they start testing to se if he qualifies for IEP or something to give him the extra help he needs at school.

5. I am taking my holiday time off as FMLA and will be mostly at Dad's. Glitch though, he doesn't want tp pay Lorene when I am there. She can't afford for him not to. I'll deal with him later on that.

6. Dad sick with a fever and on antibiotics

7. Dakota being Dakota. She wants me to invite Barack Obama over to our house to play and cannot understane why I can't do that. "But mama I want him to be my friend!"

8. Jori TIRED and wearing out from 4 classes and 3 full days of clinicals

9. Had to give up on being in Christmas choir. Missed three practices due to who knows.

10. Some progress on the house, which makes a HUGE difference in my mood

11. Skitters (cat) has fleas and had to get medicine for all cats.

12. Doing better at getting a little more sleep, but not so much tonight!

13. Weight is holding at 341-342. Not good, but could be a lot worse, all things considered.

14. Dakota glasses frames ordered--- again.

15. Making some headway on paperwork that is way past due.

So, still hard, but progress and I have got to get to sleep!!!!!!!

Night. Night.

So, there is some movement in a positive direction

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CALENSARIEL 11/19/2008 10:13PM

    Sometimes life is like wading through hip deep thick mud up hill. But look at that! You're making some headway. Take it easy. One step at a time. Did you get the rubber glasses this time for Dakota? Keeping you in our thoughts and prayers. Hugs, Calen~

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TWISTOLOMEW 11/19/2008 1:08PM

  In it's own small way, it sounds like things are moving along (albeit perhaps slowly) in a positive direction. Keep focusing on that and with time, things will come together!!

Loved the entry about your daughter wanting her new friend to visit. She should write a letter to the white house inviting him for tea :-D

Hang in there!


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LUCKYDUCK2 11/19/2008 11:45AM

    First dear friend...thank you. Thank you for being YOU and for reaching out in my blog and offering a shoulder. You have a huge heart.

This is even more amazing when I look at what you do at home and what you give of yourself between home and work.

I am so glad that things are moving in the right direction for Chris! He really does sound like a good kid. LOL with your daughter wanting her "new friend" to come play. I hope he plays nice with all of us. I am feeling very hopeful.

I pray that all continues to move forward for you in a positive fashion. Hugs and much love.

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The sun will come out tomorrow....

Friday, November 07, 2008

Ok, so I don't know what is up around here, but I am ready to be done with whatever it is! I feel really bad that I have been so negative...it really isn't like me. I am a little better today, though, after blowing it all off and rebelling some.

So here is the latest that I need to spew forth, then we start on the plan for turning things around.

1. Chris, still suspended, but not expelled. Trying to behave and do the work we are getting for him from school without too much of an attitude.

2. Dakota broke her 4th pair of frames since August. When I can get them on my insurance in January, I am getting her unbreakable frames that you can sit on, stomp on, twist like a pretzel and flush down the toilet!!!!!

3. Got hit with a bomb yesterday at work. It started with a memo from the upper management read at staff meeting yesterday. Mind you, this was on Thursday. We were told that as of MONDAY (meaning 3 days
before) no vacation time would be approved for any clinical person through the end of the year. It appears that the big wigs were so busy spending their salaries and enjoying life as they know it, no one noticed that we have $300,000 of money from the county Mental Health Board that has not been billed. That money is for us to use to see clients who are uninsured and have next to no income. Mind you, those are the people that community mental health was created to serve in the first place, and that the rule for the last year at least has been that each office can only take in 2 no fee clients per month, unless they are suicidal, pregnant or IV drug user, so that we don't overspend on that money. We have had hundreds of no fee people waiting for months, more than 6 months, for services, who have given up and moved on or just given up. We have been told that any no fee person is limited to 6 visits (yea right, and mind you, they are the ones who are pregnant, suicidal and/or IV drug users if they have gotten in at all!) So now, they hear that there are going to be cuts next year in the mental health money and that the amount will be cut further according to how much you used of the allotment that you got this year. The brilliant idea now is to use the last 7 weeks of the year (6, really if you take out Thanksgiving and Christmas) to rush around and find ways to pull down and spend that money on services and to do that, you have to have all your clinicians who can bill for their services here to do it. So, if you are a clinician, you will not have any vacation time approved from Monday until Jan. 1. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No problem taking off if you are support staff or MANAGEMENT!!!!!!!!! They CANT bill for services. So, lets not just admit that we made a mistake and reimburse the agency out of our gargantuan salaries, lets take away the holidays from our clinicians and their families. Are you hearing me here? And it's all nice and legal, so we hear. Mind you, I have a total of 5 no fee clients out of 70 some and there are none on the waiting list because they have all given up. AND, even if we rounded up some referrals, no one comes around the holidays, which is one reason, we take the time off then. AND, mental health only pays about 40 some $ per session. HMMMMM....that's how many sessions to spend $300,000 in 6 weeks? You do the math. I am too sick to my stomach to.

One way out I might have is that they can't keep me from using FMLA for my dad, but I can't use it here, I have to be able to prove I was with him. Don't know about that, though. So, while my kids are off for the holidays and my partner is on break from school, I will be working or taking care of my father all except for Christmas eve, Christmas day and Thanksgiving day, and the Friday after. I guess I will have time to be on line because I won't have clients!

Also in this mess, the time I took off to deal with Chris' school situation on Tuesday was turned down. So here I am on Friday when I am supposed to get off at 1:00 making up 4 hours and "working" all day with no clients scheduled. We are salaried and only supposed to have to be here when we have clients. But to rub it in, the other therapist, who is supposed to cover the office all day on Fridays, just left at 3:30, cherrily saying, "Bye Kayla, have a good weekend!" Yesterday, she left at 3:00. I do have to admit that I am so ticked off that I have not done a thing this afternoon but physically be here to make up my time.

Ok, done.

1. I am now going to look at recipes and make a grocery list so I can try to cook healthy this weekend. Positive, right?
2. I want to spend some time with my kids and take somewhat of a break from the house.
3. I want to pop popcorn and curl up with a good movie.
4. I want to see if I can get to the Y and swim the laps I missed dealing with Chris on monday.
5. I want to find someone to pay to mow our lawn and be done with it.
6. I want to work on a puzzle
7. I want to play some video games after the kids are in bed and demolish some bad guys!!!! (Therapy....Cardio???? Yea, that's it!)
8. I want to spend time with my honey.
9. I want to throw things away!
10. I want to get some sleep!

I think that is enough. We'll see how I do!

Thanks again for reading and allowing me to vent. Maybe.... the sun'll come out tomorrow.....

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LUCKYDUCK2 11/10/2008 2:25PM

    I am at a loss as to what to say for support. There are so many things just not right here and falling on your shoulders. SIGH

Why is it that those that work the hardest and give the most are the first to be stepped on? You have just been nailed on so many fronts at work and at home. SIGH

Hugs to you dear friend and wishing there was a way to help you survive the next two months.

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CALENSARIEL 11/8/2008 4:31PM

    I so hear ya... There's no worse place to be than stuck in a transparent box where you can see the world so clearly but you can't get out of the bloody thing to do something about stuff. That's the kind of stress that causes damage to our systems. (I kind of feel that way now...a prisoner in my own home...though not at a felt-needs level like you do.) All a person can do is pray for fortitude and...yep, you're truly right on, I think...play video games with the kids and whoop some arse. Makes one feel like they actually have a say in things (which is why I'm making the trip through the pass with Richard and Kahlan! Grin). I hope you can sort something out with the days off. I'm guessing that might be a problem over the holidays with kids out of school? Hang in there, hon. Hugs, Calen~

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DEEANN8 11/7/2008 4:55PM

    emoticonHugs & Prayers. Hope things turn around for you soon.

Comment edited on: 11/7/2008 4:52:55 PM

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And the saga continues....

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

I continue to be amazed. There was some progress made on the house. There is a kitchen counter now and the living room floor was visible for a couple of days. It's gone again, but not that deep.

The latest....my dear son was suspended for the first time in his life after being in 2 fights, one on friday and another yesterday. He is ADHD and has PTSD from traumas before we got him at 12 mo and from being sent back home to violence, drugs, domestic violence and swat team raids for 33 days. LLLLLLOoooooooonnnnnnggggggg story. He is an oversensitive, geeky kid, who tries to be tough and both times he felt trapped and he clocked. I spent until 3:00 today trying to sort it out to keep them from expelling him. He is suspended for 5 days and will have a behavior contract that states if there is any further problem, for the rest of the year, he is expelled. He is in a charter school that focuses on math and science, so they don't have to keep him. His regular middle school would be over 1000 kids with officers guarding the halls. Chris would be shredded there.

So, I'm exhausted, drained and am going to go home and watch the election and try not to throw up. Please God. It's time for things to change.

Dee, sorry I've been so out of it. I miss you.
Vicki, bless you and lets pray really hard tonight! I know I won't be sleeping for a LONG time.
Love ya'll

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DEEANN8 11/5/2008 4:42PM

    emoticonTime for a prayer break -- get in a nice hot tub, relax... and talk / listen to God. Feel His love, and let Him rejuvenate you. I'm praying for you.

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LUCKYDUCK2 11/5/2008 4:19PM

    Hugs back at you and for your son. What a blessing to have been adopted by you. Even at the tender age of 12 months so much damage can be done to a child that takes a lifetime to sort out. My darling step-daughter gives us some challenges because of learned behaviors from her bio mother who is violent and a practicing alcoholic. All we can do is be there with an ear for them.

Yes on the election results!!!!!! I am thrilled about the outcome.

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GCHUNG 11/5/2008 4:12PM

    Think of all the cardio you're doing!!

This is a tough age for any child - especially someone who has a history they have to overcome. My hats off to you and continued patience as you help steer him through this time.

Comment edited on: 11/5/2008 4:25:15 PM

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CALENSARIEL 11/4/2008 11:45PM

    What a day you've had. And what a challenge for both him and you. He's had a lot of crap in his young life, hasn't he? I admire you so much for being there to give him the love and support he needs. I'm praying you DO get a good night's sleep! Hugs, Calen~

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