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I've lost myself, has anyone seen me anywhere?

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Where to begin? I have a new toy. Expensive and I shouldn't have it, but it's one thing that I hope will help...something. I got one of those internet anywhere things. It works great, but it's another monthly bill. Oh, well. Something happened and I couldn't get online at work anymore, so I wasn't logging, posting or much of anything, because by the time I got home, I was too tired. Now I have to behave though and not be on messing around too much when I need to be working.

Eating has been pretty bad and I am bloated up like a blow fish. After the last several days, I am really not looking forward to seeing the scale. I might wait a while. I do know that a lot of what I lost is back. Bother.

I have noticed a lot of people have been down. Me too. I just can't seem to get a handle on anything and there aren't enough hours. I'm behind on paperwork again at work and I had been doing so good. My clients have been a mess and I feel like I am juggling them to keep people from crashing.

At home, there is chaos. The house is trashed, and I mean trashed. The dishes, we won't talk about. Laundry, floors, tables, garage, rooms, yard etc, are a nightmare. There isn't anywhere to find peace and so much to deal with that I can't even start, ya know? There are road blocks everywhere. Can't cook this because we need to get that from the store. Can't deal with the lawn because the mower croaked and I know we are the embarrassment of the cul de sac. The grass is so long, we wouldn't want to borrow a mower and risk burning out the motor, so we have to find time and money to get our mower fixed, then get it to the shop to get it fixed and remember to go back and pick it up, then find the time to plow through it and hope it doesn't croak again.

I wish I could take two weeks off and deal with the house when do one was there, so I could pitch things without getting caught. I can't do that because I don't have the time left with dad and everything.

Jori is hanging on by a thread. She has 4 classes this quarter, plus 3 full days of clinicals at the hospital. She is up late studying and gets up early, so I worry about her and feel like I can't put anymore on her...she doesn't have any brain space left to keep track of anything else, anyhow.

Then there is Chris. The adjustment to middle school is really rough for an ADHD kid. He can't keep track of what he has done and hasn't, what's been turned in and not and what he is supposed to be doing. It's not for lack of trying, really. In fact, he loves his new school. It's a charter school and is perfect for those kids who are brainy, not athletic and who learn differently. I have spent days organizing his stuff for each class and coming up with strategies to try to help him, but he can't for the life of him remember what he's doing. Homework is lost or he forgets to turn it in day after day, even with reminder notes, etc. I can get on line and print off what he has to do and turn in for each class, and he will do it. Then it doesn't exist anymore. So that's been frustrating and he is frustrated and blowing up a lot, feeling like everyone hates him.

Meanwhile, Dakota is a maniac. She is sucking up the chaos and commotion and is loudly demanding that she be noticed and is into everything, throwing tantrums and bullying everyone around. My sweet little girl has become a heathen. Yes, she is 3 and most 3 year olds are heathens, but they are not all so LOUD about it.

And then there is the election, which has me scared to death, the economy and my 401k, our only savings going down the drain by the minute. We are trying to live on one income with support from Jori's mom, whose income is based on the market and she is crashing now too. Jori graduates in March and pray that she gets a good job fast.

Last, but not least is Dad, who is becoming so weak he can't get out of a chair. He is anemic and they can't figure out why. He is on 3 liters of oxygen now all the time. He has fallen several times and it is a miracle it's not been more. Cathy's parkinsons is progressing and she can barely walk with her walker now, so she can't even cook for them anymore. Thank God for Lorene (Cathy's daughter, who Dad is paying for taking care of them 6 hours a day). But, today, after watching him totter all over, not be able to balance his checking account, exhaust himself coughing, and ask for a wheelchair when we are out, the man has the nerve to tell me I need to tell Lorene that $17/hr is more than he ever made and he has decided he is only paying her 15. He doesn't know why she needs to be there anyhow, they are fine. He then tells me it would be cheaper for them in assisted living because they would get their meals and that is really all they need her for. He means in the least level of care, which he doesn't qualify for because he is on oxygen and is a fall risk. (been there, checked that out) Where he is thinking he wants to go told me he would start at 4000 a month for just him, and about 6 or 7000 for both of them per month. And he is complaining about 17 an hour for 6 hours a day, which should be 24 hour care!!!!!! So here we are with the kids chomping at the bit to get home and he dumps this on me and tells me to tell Lorene before she leaves. So much for us getting home. (mind you, Jori's mother already went from Cleveland to Columbus to get Jori and the kids and bring them two hours to my dad's so they could be with me last night to trick or treat since her car might not have made it, or she might have fallen asleep driving. We were supposed to leave this morning, so they didn't have anything along to do. It is 9:52 and we are on the way back to columbus and I am able to write this only because I have this new thingy.

So, there is my ranting and raving. Thanks for listening. I know I can only do what I can do, and I can't control all of this. It's a part of life. But sometimes it's just too much for my mind to sort out and it's been shorted out for quite a while now. I'm sure I will get a spurt of clarity at some point and be able to make a dent somewhere. I just don't know when or where!

Sorry for dumping on you guys and for the long winded rant, just needed to get it out there somewhere.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CALENSARIEL 11/3/2008 9:57PM

    Lordy, woman! You have one full plate! No wonder you feel so overwhelmed. I smiled, though, when you were describing your house. I thought you had peeked through the computer and saw mine! It's been absolutely horrid since the kids moved in. I was JUST starting to get the hang of housekeeping when they showed up!

You are right, though. Seems as if SAD has hit us all. I know it's a real problem for me in the winter, but it has hit way early this year. And Autumn is usually my favorite season. I think a lot of our struggles are situational. Like with the election. I feel exactly like that. You know, this is the first election I have ever heard people say they are "afraid of." That's not good, is it...

Hang in there, hon. And forget the housework. It's not going anywhere!

Love & Hugs,

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DEEANN8 11/3/2008 4:58PM

    emoticon I hope things get better soon.

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GCHUNG 11/3/2008 9:41AM

    Wow! I wish you the very best and hope things level out soon for you.

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LUCKYDUCK2 11/2/2008 10:55AM

    You day makes mine seem like a walk in the park!! You just can't get away from people who need you whether at home or on the job and I don't know if I could deal with that kind of emotinal drain day after day. You are a much stronger woman then me.

Have you checked with Luthern Social Services for your parents and meals on Wheels? Here in SD, LSS has cleaning ladys that come in for just a few dollars and do laundry and make beds and help with housecleaning. Meals on wheels is great here and we used it with my MIL when she was alive. Insurance or medicare should pay for a physical therapist to come into his home and evaluate him and work with him for one month to give him direction for trying to maintain some strength.

My FIL has just been diagnoised with Parkinsons and it scares me, watching the changes that seem to be coming on so quickly.

My house gets away from me also. SIGH It just adds to the feeling of being stretched to the limit sometimes. It DOES add to the feeling of inner conflicts.

I wish I had answers. I keep saying all is temporary, yet instead of less demands and more time...it seems to be always going in the other direction. Never enough time.

Hugs dear friend. We'll just keep each other in our prayers and hope for the best .

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TOONACAT 11/2/2008 10:33AM


By, I too see much of this going around the sandwich generation of kids and elders to care for. I don't have kids and even see the results of the stress of dealing with the aging of myself and our parents.

Also, the economy tailspining down these last few months has not helped the overwhelming feeling of anxiety for all.

Where I really relate is where you say:

At home, there is chaos. The house is trashed, and I mean trashed. The dishes, we won't talk about. Laundry, floors, tables, garage, rooms, yard etc, are a nightmare. There isn't anywhere to find peace and so much to deal with that I can't even start, ya know?

I get this way too. My outside reflects my inner commotion and vice versa, I think with all of the challenges that you are facing, you might think about creating one small place that is peaceful.

For me, I start with just making my bed. That's it. I find it more peaceful when I get into bed to get into one that has been made.
For you, maybe it is clearing one side table by a chair for your tea or coffee, or creating a place for your keys.

As for the scale. Hop on. That way if you get on next week and lose two pounds out of five gained you will know it and not feel discouraged over the gain AFTER you have been back on track.

Hang in there,
We care.

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Houston, we have progress

Friday, September 26, 2008

Things are looking up and if I can only remember this in the future, there might be hope.

1. Even though the salt content is sometimes high, and it's more expensive, I do much better if I have low cal frozen dinners at work.
2. Yogurt works for breakfast
3. Measuring food is a good thing
4. Having Jori cook the yummy food is safer, because I am not there "testing" it through the entire process!
5. When I eat right, my brain is less fuzzy and I get more done at work.
6. I can stay awake at work an not have to "sneak" a nap at my desk.
7. I have more energy.
8. Drinking my water helps even more when I am eating right.
9. I don't feel as hungry when my brain is unfogged and I have energy ....I'm too busy to think about it.
10. I am more patient with the kids when I am eating right.
11. I have more initiative to take action on the messy house instead of sit and be mad about it when I am eating right.
12. I feel less depressed when I am eating right.
13. I don't hurt as much when I am eating right.
14. I feel better about myself when I am eating right!

So, why would I not want to do that every day? Hmmmm? Because I am brain damaged??

I'm a little slow on the uptake sometimes. I remember the old PMS days, past that, thank God! It sure is hot in here though! Every month I would wonder what was the matter with me. Am I getting sick? Am I getting depressed? Is my CFS getting ready to crash? Why am I so grumpy and storming through the house like a mad woman? Clueless me would usually have a melt down and read everyone in the house the riot act and then Jori would say...."um....I think you might be PMSing, sweetie. " At which point I would melt down further, or say, "oh, yea, maybe. I forgot." Whew, glad we don't have to go through THAT anymore! It sure is hot in here, though, don't you think?

We are gone again this weekend. Off to church retreat at the Ohio church camp, not to be confused with the Michigan church camp. It is the ONE and ONLY area where Michigan (that maise and blue state) beats out Ohio (the scarlett and gray state). But, the people and the time together make it worth it! It's not a horrible place, I'm just really spoiled.

We are going to be stopping in to see my dad, and Cathy, which will be good, on the way. Cathy says he is doing better with his O2 cranked up and with a cordless light weight machine now, so he can tool around with his scooter and his motorized wheel chair without getting all tangled up from his crazy driving! He has ended up wrapped up to the point his chin is nearly to his knees on that thing! Plus the risk of tripping for both of them. So, it will be a nice.....dry.....not too windy.....trip, we hope.

I can't eat too bad there....the food is a lot like school lunch food. ugh. Not to say that school lunch food is totally worthless, but not the kind of thing you are dying for seconds for most of the time. LOL!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DEEANN8 9/29/2008 4:06PM

    Good reminders/list -- thanks for posting.

But would you please get out of my head -- I mean, peri-menopausal effects here seem to be magnifying PMS s/s that I thought I had evolved past. At least hubby survived the weekend. Umm... at least I think he did. Better check when I get home - LOL

Have a nice trip.

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CALENSARIEL 9/26/2008 6:09PM

    I laughed right out loud at your description of PMSing! Soooo glad I don't have to deal with that anymore. You are one busy gal!!! Well, thank God the food tastes like school lunch! At least you know you will be a much better girl! I'm glad to hear that your dad is doing better. I hope you have a great visit. Hugs, Calen~

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The garden warrier bites the dust

Monday, September 22, 2008

Ok so I have felt like I got run over a few times by a herd of stampeeding buffalo today. This is the problem. Moderation is a good thing and I know this. But, I have these spurts when I feel like I can do things and I go all out, because it feels good at the time. Then today I was longing to use the handicap elevator at church, but was too embarrassed!

See, here is how it was. I have been overweight since about second grade. I don't know what happened really, except depression and low self esteem. Before that, my nickname was skinny minnie. Then, not. I have always wondered (and had lots of therapy) and have never really put my finger on it.

When I was in college, I was heavy, but lost some. My freshman year, I fell on the ice and broke my ankle really badly. That did a real number on me. The Dr's said they did their best, but I would always have problems with it and I shouldn't run on it. That really slowed me down. Anyhow, so college and grad school. Then in 1989 I was dxed with chronic fatigue syndrome. I have dealt with that ever since and it knocks the feet out from under a person! Lots of weird symptoms and you kind of never know which ones will hit you on what days. Since then, it has been down hill (or up hill LOL) ever since.

I used to love hiking, even after I broke my ankle, I still managed to hike, ride my bike, go do things! It hurt, but it was only my ankle that hurt. Now it's my ankle, my knees, my shoulder, etc!!!!!! It drives me nuts. Sometimes I wish there was a pain med that was not addictive that would numb me out enough to be active so I could lose the weight and then not have to take it anymore! At least I HOPE I would feel better.

For now, I get really mad when I try to do some simple thing like working on my yard and then I pay for it for days. I know some of it is the chronic fatigue crash that is inevitable, but it can't be as bad when a person is not so dang heavy!

Ok, so enough of the griping and ruminating. Do something about it. Tomorrow I will be at the pool swimming and hopefully will be able to do some laps. That will be good and something I can do with the kids that doesn't end in "Mama has to sit down."
or "Mama can't...."

Enough. Sorry to be in a grrrr mood tonight. Thanks for letting me vent.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CALENSARIEL 9/23/2008 5:15PM

    Absolutely vent away!!! I can soooo identify with everything you wrote. I am slowing down now something terrible. It used to be I could feel crappy, but if one of the girls called to say "Let's go to the movies and get dessert" I would perk up right away. Not anymore. Now it seems like I just don't have that energy even for something I enjoy. I keep wondering how much of that is a mind thing, if you know what I mean. CFS can be a real b*tch to live with, I've heard. So hang in there. Hugs, Calen~

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LUCKYDUCK2 9/22/2008 7:31PM

    Vent away!!! I know how frustrating it can be to have the mental energy and the body says forget it and lets call it a day. When I have a long day outside....it feels like I need two days to even begin to recover and I don't have the ankle problem or the diagnosis of Fatigue syndrome.

I guess we need to learn how to pace ourselves, yet that is hard to do also. SIGH

Enjoy that swim and try to slow down. I figured something out awhile ago. What use to take me a few hours to accomplish now takes a couple of days. That is why time seems to go so fast as we get older. It takes more time to do what needs to be done. Double sigh.

I hope you feel better soon. emoticon

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DEEANN8 9/22/2008 5:44PM

    How frustrating!

Don't know what all you've tried, but sometimes a hot bath with epsom salts right after strenuous activity works for me (used to use the hot tub at the gym - when they had one)

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TWISTOLOMEW 9/22/2008 2:11PM

  Well if it makes you feel better -- gardening is one of those activities that kicks anyone's butt... and thighs, and back, and arms :-) yes, it may be easier for me than you, but I'm still sore too, and it has more to do with the fact that it's a complete body workout, for HOURS! you wouldn't go to the gym and do squats, toe touches, and lift weights - at the same time! - for 1/2 a day... and yet, that's what we do in the garden.

So don't feel bad about feeling sore for a couple of days. Feel proud that you were able to do it, and that you discovered a few muscles in the meantime :-)

Keep up the good work, especially the swimming! That's how you'll get to goal, one day at a time.


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COUNTBYFIVE 9/22/2008 9:50AM

    "Better out than in I always say!" -Shrek


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Trying for positive today

Saturday, September 20, 2008

I woke up this morning to hearing the wood chippers going and mowers, etc. before 8am. I decided to get up and get out there before it got too hot, which felt good. For over 3 hours I pulled wild grapevines, thistles, stupid nightshade, gathered branches and whatever else the size of small trees that were along the back fence. We are the end of the culdesac, so our yard is super long along the back, 195 feet. That may not seem big to some people, but in the city, it's pretty big. It has been so neglected all summer. I needed some constructive destruction! I made it about half way across, so that's pretty good I guess. Now the rest of the family gets to clean it up!

My self appointed job for the rest of the day is to sit with Socks, who had her spay and declaw yesterday. They are gone picking her up now. Dakota will be a challenge, I'm sure. I always feel so guilty causing them pain, but it has to be done to prevent the kittens and protect the furniture! Maybe I will get to do a little piecing or cross stitch, although.........Oh yeah, touch down OSU! First drive of the game. They have fallen appart without Beanie Wells so far this season, embarrassing!!!!! Now, where was I? Oh,
yea, although there are plenty of boxes of stuff I could sit here and sort. It's always something!

I'm trying to be positive today and remember that things will eventually get done or won't matter anymore! Ya know? My fingers hurt as I type! Darn weeds! I even had leather gloves on!

Hee. My only food so far today besides water....a can of cold 99% fat free ravioli. Could be worse!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DEEANN8 9/21/2008 2:41PM

    WooHoo! Great exercise emoticon

Enjoy your day with Socks emoticon

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CALENSARIEL 9/20/2008 9:30PM

    Nothing like "Mother" Nature to get on a person's case when they haven't done their chores in a while... I, too, love what you said about "creative destruction!" That is very poetic. And I think there's probably a lot of truth to that. Glad the day is over for you, though, and you can settle down for the night.


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LUCKYDUCK2 9/20/2008 9:19PM

    195 feet is a huge yard and allot of work! You made me smile when you said constructive destruction. emoticon

I think that is so good that you had your kitten spayed to prevent more kittens. My sister called today and she has another batch , but not born on her place. Her son lives in a trailer court in Brookings while going to college and when he went to take out his garbage, he lifted the lid and someone had THROWN AWAY eight live kittens!!!! I would so love to find that person. We take them to the humane society in Sioux Falls on Monday when Chy has her appointment.

You have so much to do. I cannot fathom having to deal with the cleanup and destruction of a storm like that. I know you will get it all done. Just remember, one day and task at a time. Don't run yourself into the ground doing all of this. Take care.


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GCHUNG 9/20/2008 7:41PM

    A positive outlook sets the tone for the whole day. If you believe you can do it, it can be done! I believe you can do it - here's sending positive waves over to you - Ginny

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Let there be light!

Friday, September 19, 2008

We were in the lucky category, I guess and our power came back on Wed. night for late evening and through the night. It went off again in the morning and was off most of the afternoon, but was back on by evening yesterday.

There have been 3000 crews from all over the country and Canada here working on the power issues. I passed nine trucks in a caravan yesterday from North Carolina and more caravans from who knows where today. They have set up a staging sight in front in a big store parking lot and there are tents and portapots and those huge spotlights being run with generators. Really amazing!

Some of the schools started back today, but not Chris' school. It's in one of the areas that is not supposed to come on until Sunday. Our babysitter is still out.

It's weird, you don't realize how much trickle down effect there is from something like this and how much we rely on electric and computer systems. Like, you'd think schools could be in the dark and that would be ok, but everything is computerized and the "communication center" has been out, so there is no way to communicate with be buses, no school lunches left in the county that haven't spoiled, no alarm systems. Something about the old one room school house and brown bag lunches sounds kind of good right now.

It is getting better. The crews are working 24 hours and a lot have been restored. I have been glad, though, that they clearly have not been showing favoritism for the wealthier areas. They are actually scheduled to come on last, on Sunday at this point.

So, we are ok. I am really glad it's the weekend, because everyone is so tired. It has been surreal at work and I havn't gotten any paperwork done all week. Even though we have probably been getting more sleep in a sense, everyone is drained from it all. I sure am! I walked into my house last night, looked around and just flopped into my chair. The house is a mess, the garage is full with coolers, card tables, chairs and stuff from living in it. There is a ton of laundry to be done, groceries that need to be replaced, yard that needs so much work to get cleaned up, and a mower that died. On and on. I just need to try to not let it overwhelm me and take it one thing at a time, but can't we sleep for a week first?

So, today, I am going to find a place that is open to go eat lunch and try to get some paperwork done, make a list of the basics that need replaced and find a store, then go home and start in somewhere. Oh and I need to send Jori up to look at the roof to see if there is any damage there. Our neighbors shingles are still in our back yard. I don't think we lost any completely, but it still needs to be checked for damage.

I guess that's it and I should try to get things done. I only had one client show this morning, which is good, because I am sooooo tired. Eating has been horrible. It's grab whatever you can that is eddible, or from whatever is open. I have to say, I have not had the brain power to think about it. Maybe next week I will be back on track.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CALENSARIEL 9/19/2008 10:29PM

    Your comments about the one-room school house made me think about how even though we have so many more time-saving devices today we work even harder. Maybe we should have a one-week celebration every year like the Jewish folks do (the feast of booths) when they build huts outside their homes and live in them for a week to remember how they lived as they wandered through the wilderness. We just might find some good things we forgot! Glad you're survivng there! Hugs, Calen~

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DEEANN8 9/19/2008 8:58PM

    Sounds like you are one of the lucky ones -- at least you don't have too much damage. Praise the Lord!

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LUCKYDUCK2 9/19/2008 5:10PM

    I agree....Yay for getting the power back on! I am so glad you are all safe and sound and just cannot imagine all you are having to deal with. Please listen to your body and only do what you can when you can. One project at a time , right? You have so much on your plate right now. Hugs to you.

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GCHUNG 9/19/2008 1:38PM

    Congratulations - Let there be light!!!

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