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AYLAZON's Recent Blog Entries
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Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Things are moving along here...25 lbs lost during my current short term goal of being at 299 by March 10. 15.8 lbs to go. I haven't seen that "2" for SO many years...it's really weird to think that it might happen.
I've been wondering what the difference is this time and why it's working and I'm sticking to it. I think it's several things.
1. In August and Sept I was to the point of being in a wheel chair again only this time it was due to tendon problems, inflammation and arthritis in my GOOD foot. That was really scary, especially since I didn't do anything to injure it, just walked too much and poof, off my feet for over 2 months. It healed REALLY slowly and was so painful if I didn't know better, I would have thought I was a pain pill addict the way I cried and begged for something to stop the pain. Plus, after the MRI, my Dr said it was so arthritic there wasn't much that could be done except start fusing bones to reduce the pain. (Mind you, I've already had 4 surgeries on the other foot to be able to keep walking on it.)
2. Then there's the sitting by, watching my daughter grow up and not being able to be active with her. And watching her weight go up and her use of food for comfort. (not my birth child, mind you!) She has been begging to do things I can't do and although my partner can do them with her, I miss out, if it happens at all. Her behavior would be soo much better if she were kept active. That whole thing breaks my heart.
3. Another thing is having my trainer who I love and am very comfortable with. I was so scared that I would hurt myself with all the foot issues and knee issues and threats from Drs over the years that if I broke my ankle again, it couldn't be fixed well enough to walk on. She is very supportive, very careful and listens to me. Since we're focusing on strength training, flexibility and balance, I'm cool with that and I have to say, I am noticing a real difference.
4. This time I have Jori on board, too, so she is doing all the dinner cooking and it is ALL Sparkpeople recipes. We are having a blast with that and even Dakota is raving that Nana has become the best cook there is!
5. Another motivation is that we have been paying on a resort vacation for a year and finally decided it's now or never to get Dakota to Disney World. I've been reading the disabilities forums and people are saying that even for people who weigh 350, there are only 2 rides they couldn't go on. I got that beat now! And anyway, really, who wants to go around in circles with Dumbo just to say you did it? I can live without that one. They appear to be amazing when it comes to accommodating people with mobility, weight and any other issues. They even have a pass to not wait in line with a Dr. letter for Dakota because of her issues, so that's great. It would be a nightmare in line with her. So, we are going to be there from April 6th to the 12th. I'm getting a scooter for the week because I WANT to be able to enjoy it and not be in so much pain. (Oh, yeah, and the ortho guy who looked at my knee exrays said"Do you want the really really bad news or the really really horrible news?") So, there will be knee replacements somewhere in my future. But for now, the scooter it is, which I can live with if I can get in the rides. I used to LOVE roller coasters...it's been YEARS. I hope I still do! LOL!
Well, there you have it for now. Thought I'd update and think through how I'm making this work and why. Thank you all for your support!
Sunday, February 03, 2013
Just got home from a weekend with Jori's family for good friend Dave's wedding. I love her family, but, gees, can they be dysfunctional! The short version...all are extremely intelligent and love to talk...about anything intellectual that has to do with imparting wisdom to others, mostly useless facts. And ALL at the same time! But, there is little ability to listen and even less ability to plan or follow through with plans, making doing anything productive a feat relative to climbing mount Everest with a straight jacket on and your feet in shackles! Gotta love them, but boy, sometimes it takes a lot of good meds to get through it without losing your mind!
I have to say, though, that the wedding was something that was one of a kind. It was held at the Palace Theater, built in the 1930s. A lot of those involved and friends are part of SCA people (Society for Creative Anacranism.) Yea, it's beyond me, too, but they dress up and reenact medieval times. So the invitation said to come in your medieval costumes, your own wedding dress or dress in the style of any era you woiuld like. So there were people dressed in anything, toting swords, dressed as princesses with veils and long flowing dresses, flappers, tuxes of all eras and then there were those "regular" people. The wedding started off with a clip from a moving about Hitler where he was throwing a fit about something with the words dubbed in that he was upset about not being invited to the wedding and wanted his mommy, etc. It was pretty darn funny. The bride and groom's fathers acted out making a deal with the guy who married them, talking about how they were desperate to get their 50+ year old children wedded to someone....anyone. Then there was the music...the theme from Mission Impossible, Star Wars, Twilight Zone, etc. The groom came in with the groom's men all dressed in Napoleon era tuxes and the bride came in in this Dr. Who cabinet thing with sirens. Their vows were beautifully written, focusing on how they will likely cause the other hurt over the years, but their intensions would never be hurt the other on purpose. I think intentionality is SOOO important! Then they were pronounced husband and wife, and decended from the stage on a platform that usually raises and lowers the orchestra, while singing "So long, fare well." from The Sound of Music. It was quite something! Now, explain how that was a wedding to your 7 year old!
Eating wasn't too bad until today...except that there wasn't much of it because organizing these guys to be in one place, at a certain time, even the restraunt in the hotel is a monumental feat. So, until we broke down and stopped at a pub place on the way home and had ribs with mashed potatoes and an appetizer of onion rings. OOPs! Oh, well, I've been sooo good. I did work out for an hour on friday, though and then again at the hotel before swimming with Dakota yesterday. All in all, could have been a LOT worse! Back on the wagon again tomorrow!
Hope you all had a good weekend and best wishes for a great week! (Weird, for some reason, the spell check doesn't work when I do blogs...raaarrrrggg!)
BTW, the cortizine shots are helping, I think. Yay!
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Time for an update. I saw an orthopedic doc Monday, finally. Once again, it's confirmed that I have a high pain tollerance. I'm thankful for that, I guess. After the exrays, the doc told me that my left knee (the same side as the infamous broken foot) is "really bad." My right knee is "horrible." Well, I could have told him that! But, in actuality, it was a relief to have it confirmed. For years, whenever I've fallen, my right knee takes the hit to protect my ankle. We've gotta add in there that the foot doc said my right foot has taken the brunt of the impact from my left foot being a wreck, so it's history, too.
So, I got cortisone shots in my knees...first time for that...hope it helps. Which, btw, is NOTHING compared to cortisone shots in my feet! I was amazed!! We're going to see if that will delay the inevitable for a while. He'd like me to wait another 4 years...I'm SO young! Sure as heck don't feel like it! He did hear me when I told him not now, but maybe sooner than 4 years, though since I'm missing out on doing anything with Dakota that isn't like crafts or something that we can sit down to do together. She'll be 8 in March. I don't know if I want to wait until she's 12.
I sound like I'm whinning, but I don't mean to be, it's just fact and I plan to make the best of it!!
Talking it through helps. We Sparkers know this, don't we?
So, the good thing is that I've completed a month of weekly sessions with my trainer, Beth. She is great, and such a good fit for me. We laugh a lot and she is teaching me so much. I have to admit, though I did have to go get a couple of books to have an "at home guide" to figure out what the heck I'm doing and what all the equipment is called! Having never been a gym groopie because it seemed way beyond me, I don't have a clue what I'm doing. I'm picking it up slowly, though. Really, my dear friend, Dee, has seen me in very uncoordinated "action" on an eliptical, which I managed to get on and off of without causing long term damage to the machine or myself after about 3 exhausting minutes! So get this. Today, I'm on the recumbant bike and pedaling at the same time that we are playing catch with a 5 lb medicine ball, then doing dumbbell lateral flies (woohoo, big terms...just learned) and then doing overhead triceps things with the ball. Still pedaling. And I lived. I have to say, after all my denial, rebellion, avoidance and downright disgust that people thought somehow this was a good thing to do, (imagine the teeny tiny almost unreadable print, here...I'm having fun and feeling better.) I'm still trying to accept that this is really a true statement. Somehow I feel like I should get struck by lightening for not doing it years ago and being so scared and bullheaded. I'm getting a lot of comments from people at church and work that my limp is better, I'm looking healthier and moving better in general, with more energy. I have to agree, I feel it. (Darn it anyhow!) I hate to have been soooo wrong, but it's true. I guess we all have to get there when we're ready, but some of us are really slow learners. And I have to allow the thought...gee wonder what would happen if I could get myself to workout every day....maybe I'll get there...and just maybe it will work...
So, there you have it...and for a change...a lot of it is good and things might be looking up. Some day I hope to be able to take out the caution there. It's been a long time since I felt like I was in charge and able to really make things happen for my health without having insurance for so long (bless you Barack) and thank you Beth. (How ya like being included in the same sentence with Barack, huh?!)
I guess that's it for now. Gotta get to the paperwork soon. Thanks all for the amazing support here! Love you guys!
(strange, spell check not working...excuse the mistakes! I'm a little dyslexic!)
Monday, December 03, 2012
I don't have a lot of time, right now, but I've been wanting to writ and can't seem to find the time. I'm very thankful that I am getting a massage by my good friend, Joann, tonight. She does cranio saxral work and myofacial release. AHHH, heaven! It is so nice to have a few minutes when she is done that I have a break from pain. It really wears on a person!
So, in August, I was trying to watch the calories and increase my activity level. Ya know those mixed messages yo get between this Dr. or that one? Walk, one says, don't walk the other one says. So I tried walking more, parking farther away, walking while shopping, walking instead of using my wheel chair when we are out for extended "walking." Big mistake. I ended up with a huge neuroma and an inflamed tendon... on my GOOD FOOT! Well, that really ticked me off and hurt SO bad! I usually have a high pain tollerance, but this was a mess. Exrays showed tons of arthritis and the MRI showed a train wreck. So, I was in a boot cast for 6 weeks, non weight bearing. My "bad" foot was very unhappy about this, let me tell you! So, I had no choice but to do the wheelchair thing for a couple of months, and then rented a knee walker for another 6 weeks or so because I couldn't stand to walk on it for more than across a room. Now, I;m limping around and feel like I've aged 20 years. I'm not seeming to be able to get back to where I was before this happened and everything is flaired up. (excuse the whine session there!)
I finally have insurance, so after the first of the year (to avoid paying the deductible twice) I;m finding an orthopedic surgeon to see what my options are. I know my knees are shot, but I'm suspecting that they won't fix them at my current weight, so I'm trying to work on that. I'm doing good, generally during the week, but those weekends are a killer!
In other areas, things continue to move forward. We finished painting Dakota's new purple room with big pink hearts on the wall, tow shades, even, and got her bed moved in there. She loves it! She has her own girly bathroom now and likes that, too! We still need to get the rest of her room put together, but the bed is in there for the moment.
So, I need to be logging, eatin right and get as much weight off as I can so I can get whatever done I need to as soon as I can. I'm tired of being like this and hurting all the time. I'm struggling with a lot of frustration with myself for my denial that this would eventually be my life, ya know?
I've been trying to do things to help myself feel good things, like blasting the Messiah in my car and singing along at the top of my soprano lungs while I'm directing with one hand. I'm sure it's a sight, but, oh, well, it nourishes my soul!
When I stop to think about it, I really miss who I used to be. Lots of energy, going out of my way to be there for people and taking action on things. I don't feel depressed, really at least lately, thank God for meds. It's just so wearing to hurt all the time and dread each step. Help, I want to turn in this body for a new one! Too bad ya can't do that in this life!
Gotta go for now...hope I don't sound too negative. I don't mean to, it's just really frustrating and hard to find the will power sometimes to get out of myself!
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
It feels like I've been back in survival mode for a long time and I want to be past it. There is a lot of progress in some things happening, and I need a serious attitude adjustment, here, so that I can get out of my own way.
So, first, the positives:
1. Last weekend we had an amazing crew of people from church who came for the day on Sat to help us reclaim the house. It was amazing. I so love these people. At the end of the day (and some finishing up yesterday,) we have a new working motion sensor light over the driveway, and another one for the back yard, a new fan and ceiling light in the kitchen, 3 bathroom sinks and the kitchen sink all have new plumbing.m We have a new ramp into the shed and rebuilt/working doors on the shed. Our grass has been mowed, hopefully for the last time this year, the walls have been spackled and holes have been filled, we have screens again on the back windows and sun room, the patio is swept and edged, the painting in the kitchen is finished after 5 years of being half done. What a tremendous gift of love, to help us in reclaiming our house.
There are no words.
2. Work has been stressful with electronic record problems, but we start a new system tomorrow, that appears to be much better...after the usual start up stress. Our referrals have picked up with fall setting in, which is also good.
3. Jori is finally on a medication combo that is working. Another gift. She has been able to take on more responsibility and take action to get things done. Still with cuing from me, but she is doing it! Our house is becoming more useable, there is more space and less clutter. She might be able to even start looking for work after the new year, which would SOOOOOO ease things for me.
4. We have picked out paint for Dakota's new girly room and have prettied up and girlified her bathroom. She picked purple for the walls and wants big pink hearts painted randomly around the room. I can do that. New purple and pink flowered comforter and some curtains and she is good to go! I'm looking for a swinging chair to put up in her room to help with her sensory stuff.
5. I'm on better meds that I think are working better, too. Won't know for sure until more stress is eased.
6. We had friends over to play games and have dinner for the first time in years. (And we made 2 amazing soups from spark recipes, so there was no guilt!
7. My best friend, Iris, and I have the day together on Sat to talk ourselves to death and ponder life. And, she and her family are coming back in Dec to go to the Messiah sing along with us. It's a huge deal, orchestra, hundreds of people singing and soloists to do those parts. The audience is the choir. We haven't sung the Messiah together since we were in college together.
So, lots of good things happening and I need to know they are happening, FEEL them happening, SEE the progress, work on BEING in the moment and being appreciative instead of focusing on what's not right.
Minimizing the focus on the negatives, but acknowledging them and knowing I need to be taking action:
1. My weight has gone up 10 lbs +. I need to get back on track...did order lunch from list of 550 calories or less from Applebee's today.
2. Dakota having significant behavior problems in school and home, but she is in counseling and on meds.
3. Having to spend some of Dad's money, which I vowed not to do because I need it for retirement.
4. Physical health has been terrible and LOTS of pain and use of wheelchair, etc.
More later, time ran out.
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