Saturday, November 30, 2013
I just saw my blog before last titled, "Struggling With Food." I should have that as a tattoo .
Have done okay this week. Some times good,other times eating these darn carbs. I even binge on healthy ones.Which aren't so healthy in excess. Excess, that's a good word to describe my craving/ eating times.
I eat until I feel full & felt I got my craving fix, but realize 15min. later I have ate/ gorged until I'm very uncomfortable. I just did it again tonight & I SO wanted to be in the 180's.
I have been committed to losing weight on this site for about 9-10mos. In that time I have dropped 20lbs. & that 20 REALLY makes a difference in how I look & feel, but I gain & lose the same 4lbs. over & over & over again in this endless cycle of cravings & giving into them. I do realize now it does comfort me, it does soothe my nerves. It really is like I've heard addicts describe getting their fix.TEMPORARILY is the key word. Why can't I beat this?! Be stronger! I feel like such a loser when I do this. Weak. I evaluate & get back on the horse now.I used to just give up & say I'm beaten by it, so that's a plus, but I see people on here who are dedicated & disciplined & just DO IT !
There's a woman on this site I just read about , she said when she decided to lose weight she just worked her plan. NO excuses, NO room for slip ups & she did an AMAZING job quickly. Why can't I buck up & just do this.
I say I'm weak, but I do mean in this area, because when people see my daily existence they ALWAYS say I don't know if I could live like that even for a day. How do you do it? I say, I'm all he's got & I can't give up on him. He's sick & I want to try to get him stabilized before he moves on in life or he may end up in an institution. So I KNOW I can be strong.
So, I'm feeling frustrated with myself & trying to vent , let go of the negative & move forward.
I do realize this is MY journey & I have a way to go regarding my interaction with food & learning how to cope with stress. So as long as I continue to try I guess that's a positive. I just wish I could learn HOW to get past this .
Thanks for letting me vent. I hope ALL have a successful week !
Saturday, November 23, 2013
As you who've read my recent blogs know since starting back at work several weeks ago I've struggled with carb cravings & binges again.
I was really moving back up the scale quickly with this behavior, but couldn't seem to get a handle on it. So I blogged. ALL your support & empathy really helped me.
One comment told me that I just need to resist & the cravings will get better. That I'll feel better the next day because of it.
She was right ! I haven't been perfect, but MUCH better. The scale is showing it. too.It's moving in the right direction again, although I made quite a set back in my losing, because I put on four lbs. quickly.
Unlike the old me, I said four pounds isn't the end of the world . It's doable to lose if I don't let it go any further . I've been chipping away at it this week & am regaining some sense of control again.
You all know my home situation & it's been worse lately for the most part & I'm understanding that I TRULY use food as a comfort & temporary pleasure because I have so little now.
so I'm trying to find ways to care for my nerves in other ways & ignore the cravings until they pass. Really enjoying a cup of tea. Feeling the warmth of the cup on my hands. Meditation. These are a couple things that have helped this week.
I am receiving compliments on the weight lost & notice that I'm starting to get some glances & attention by men again. Not that I need that ! FOR SURE ! However, I used to get that before the weight gain. then noticed I seemed invisible with no glances , etc. for quite some time. So it just makes me feel as if I'm getting my healthy , best me body back.
Even with the positives & believe me I'm thankful for some GREAT NSV's , I see I have quite a bit more of abdominal fat to lose. I'm not needing a six pack abs or the stomach of a twenty year old, but I still have two substantial rolls of about 3' when you squeeze them "YUCK" that I need to get rid of to feel comfortable. So my goal of 162 or so I think is a reasonable weight to be & feel healthy.
Hope all my friends are improving their ruts , too !
Friday, November 15, 2013
Thought I'd do a quick blog to release some disappointment & frustration I'm feeling. I've gained FOUR pounds so far this week ! Can you believe that , & that's with exercise & eating right during the day ! Imagine if I didn't !!!!!!!!!!
It frustrates me how EASILY I can gain weight, but what a struggle it is for me to lose. I'm sure most of you have felt this way at some point.
I am back to eating processed snacks(chips) every night. I can't keep them out of my house because of my son, but he only eats them twice a week or so with a sandwich. I have to go back to the store & buy more for him for lunch because I have pounded all his down.
I worked so hard to learn about myself & eating habits & overcome my binges & I'm regressing. I just broke the 190's in the past month & fit into 14's again & I can feel that slipping away because of MY actions & it saddens me, but right now I'm feeling hopeless, not that I'm giving up mind you. I'm not . That's why I'm blogging, but I keep saying I'll do better today, then the evening comes.Sometimes i've made it until 30min. of bedtime & the carb monster attacks & before I know it I've left a trail of bags & wrappers of processed junk !
I've been VERY tired this week after work.I feel like I need a break.Down time. Struggling just to get through the day, get dinner wash some clothes, get DS bathed & things ready for work/school the next day. Most days I'm dragging through it. The processed food I'm sure isn't helping that situation.
Anyway, just wanted to get that off my chest, reach out for some support before I slip into a fat abyss . I'm off to exercise now.
I hope my friends are having the opposite experience this week ! Happy Sparking !
Saturday, November 09, 2013
Hey Spark Friends
A LONG week for me. DS is having great difficulty.We've slightly changed meds a couple times recently with short lived success. I couldn't get him on the bus one day this week. I've had to pick him up from his program a couple times because he wouldn't board the bus.
He received a couple ones 1-10 one being the worst behavior
He's challenging me at every request in the mornings. Put on your socks, for instance. His response is 'I DID! " when clearly he hasn't. this is repeated over & over Come in the bathroom so I can brush your teeth . I don't want to, is his response. So mornings before work are very stress filled, but even with difficult days they are caring for him at his program without my intervention.
Tonight was a VERY difficult night. I was trying to type on here before he went to bed. He was pushing my caps lock etc. Putting his body in front of the screen , grabbing my hand so I couldn't type, but Friday was a good one.
Some of the reason I express all this is that I've found it helps me release some of the tension that builds in me.
Right now we're waiting on EKG results to see if he's okay heart wise to try an altogether new med seeing this one has seemed to run it's course & while he's not to the point of hospitalization again, it's close at times. So not a good quality of life.
Work is going well. I got a raise ! WOOHOO! I am , however finding it difficult to compose myself sometimes the bus come sat 7:45 I live about 8min. away from work I have to RUSH to make it on time & I've dealt with a lot of stress for hours.
After work I'm doing okay with eating as opposed to last week. The quick snack at 2:00.Done at 3:00 seems to help curb the cravings. However, dinner & night time are still a challenge. I find myself reverting back to my old behaviors. Binges & sitting in front of the TV when he goes to bed comforting myself & unwinding with food !
I do well ALL day. Good B-fast, lunch that's packed & my afternoon snack.After reading a couple Spark friends blogs I realize that I am falling in the trap of when i start to eat processed bad things it ALWAYS leads to bad choices. I've been hitting the carbs a lot lately. processed, chips, popcorn,pretzels, rice cakes that always lead to more of the same. Picking back up on soda intake, too. Which does the same for me as the chips.
So I need to try to wind down without food & still feel like Im relaxing & TRY not to eat those processed foods.
I was still at 189.5 today, meaning with my slip ups I've made some good choices, too, but feel tomorrow will be way over 190 again. After this difficult night I went into the binge ZONE !
I am seeing some changes I've really liked in my body & want to continue that as well as improve my health.
I continue my exercising at least five days a week & when i don't I'm getting in many steps with grocery shopping/errands & housework , like today scrubbed both bathrooms WELL as well as other housework.
I want to share I had a STRONG prayer session for Lance with two faith filled women at the church. they also cast out fear for me & I shared some deep inner things that have been plaguing me.
This has freed me almost completely of the reoccurring flash backs of DS in the mental ward & The fear he might have to return.This was traumatizing for me & I feel very blessed to feeling release & healing from some of this.
Even though I'm worn & stressed I'm learning how to let go of the anxiety quicker & not take in as much of the negativity. Which helps my physical & mental health.
I am still praying & searching for balance & peace.
I am SO that I am more absent & not responding to your blogs as they are written, but I am struggling to keep my life somewhat sane & time is a rare commodity these days. know I miss you all SO very much & think of you often.
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