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Can I do it?

Monday, December 07, 2009

Okay, so I was going strong, lost 20 pounds back in April. Continued to work like crazy, fell off the sparkpeople website radar, and all of a sudden lost myself in the black hole of crappy food, no gym, and just shear laziness. To make matters worse, I took a personal vacation to CT the end of August for a week and low and behold I lost ALL motivation. Now, I sit around on the couch, after eating a large, delicious Arby's shredded chicken sandwich, compelete with fries and that mouth watering, calling my name Dr. Pepper, felling like a hepher and disgusted with myself. On too many occassions I have told my hubby that I have to get moving and stop eating so much food. A couple of days during the week I can adhere to at least my want to not eat every meal as crap. Today for instance I had a spinach salad with grilled steak and chicke, a roma tomato and about a teaspoon of feta cheese sprinkled with lime juice. AND IT WAS YUMMY!

But, I battle depression, and it seems for the last year I have been in a constant downward spiral to what would seem the eternal black hole. I have lost more of myself than I have in the prior 15 years. I have a wonderful family, complete with 4 kids and a husband. I am so bad off that I am hoping that I get some type of co-morbidity to go along with my weight so I will qualify for the lap band and just have help losing this weight.

But, what type of person would that make me? A QUITER!!!! Am I a quiter? Yes, at times. Can I afford to quit? NO! So, can I do it? Can I come back from the dead, and reenter the world of the living and wanting to be healthy? I have to. Do I want some nasty disease just so I can get a surgery? Heck no!

So, I have to put my goals into perspective:

1. My current weight is about 217 (aside from 8 days during the month) I am 5'9, so I should lose around 50 pounds to get to an ideal weight.
2. I can do this. I have to start small again.
3. Kick the sodas, and start enjoying that smooth cool taste of water again. It gets rid of free radicals in the body which cause cancer.
4. Cut back on Carbs. I can only allow myself bread/pasta products at 3 servings a day. A 1/2 a bagel/wheat bread in the morning or lunch. For dinner, a serving of pasta or corn or mashed potatos and that is it.
5. Try full bars. They are supposed to imitate the lap band in that you eat them 30 minutes before your meal with a glass of water and they fill up the bottom portion of your stomach so you only eat a small amount of food at a time.

So, 5 very long and very distinctive goals. But goals that are of the essence. Once I become comfortable with one of them (which will probably be the decrease of sodas) I will then begin to add in cardio/weight training 3-5 days a week. Heck, if my motivation comes back I will do it sooner!


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CRIPPLE27 12/7/2009 8:30PM

    Heck yeah you can do it! It's great that you've outlined clear goals for yourself. I know the depression makes it even harder, but just remember that that spiral can go upward too; every time you meet one of your goals you'll feel a bit better and let that motivate you towards the next one.

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DONDAIN 12/7/2009 12:54AM

    Yes you can, one day at a time.

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Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Okay, so the last couple of days haven't been to good at all. I guess it started when I went to El Paso. I got into the idea of just grabbing whatever to eat. Although the 2 days I was there I think I ate maybe 4 times. But things ae not any better.

I feel like giving up, and it's not because I wasn't seeing results, I am. But I just can't find the time to take care of me. I haven't been to the gym in well over a week because I was out of town and then I was sick. I would love to get back, but am still coughing and don't want to aggrevate anything.

It has also been a hard time emotionally for me. First and foremost the illness of my grandmother and then to add to it just the everyday roller coaster I experience.

I started to feel better, and I started to see where the weight was coming off. I was happy, now all of a sudden I don't want to do anything anymore. But on the other hand I don't want to put the weight back on I want it to continue coming off.

I don't know what to do right now. I feel so disgusted with myself again that I am almost convinced I don't need to be eating. I have mandarin oranges here for lunch, and was hoping that I would be fine with that but am nauseatingly hungry even after eating 4 French Toast sticks from Sonic.

Have I sabotaged myself and defeated all my purpose?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CRISSIE198334 4/7/2009 1:57PM

    Girl we gotta talk you back into the importance of you and taking care of you. Sorry that you are struggling so much I am here for you!!! I lean on you when it is hard you gotta lean back girlie!!

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RAMONAFAY 4/7/2009 11:36AM

  I have had the flu this week--so haven't been able to workout. I can understand
your frustration; I had just started and was doing so well. I joined SP on March 23. But we (you and I) are better than this--we can and will get back on tract.

WE both are going to have to learn not to be so hard on ourselves. One little baby step at a time we will lose the weight and get in shape--we will learn how to make healthy choices. So try to Chill Out---yeah I have trouble Chilling out to but I am determined to learn how---And we both need to stop beating ourselves up. So repeat after me ---I deserve to be healthy! I am my own best friend! Now ponder on this and let me know how your doing. It's gonna get better!

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Saturday, March 28, 2009

I am not having too good of a time right now. It is really getting hard to stay away from temptation and stick to only the things that are good for me. I have failed miserably in the last 3 days. emoticon

I actually do not have anything to eat at work again today, and am dreading having to make the decision to NOT eat something bad and eat a salad from Subway. It is so hard.

I think a big thing is that I am so tired. I have not been sleeping well, maybe getting 4 hours of sleep a night. I know not good, but what can you do when you have a sick baby?

So, I need a plan of action.

Here it is:

Get back on track and stop emoticon finding and loving the convenience a restaurant can offer me.
Go to the gym. I missed yesterday, and will miss today because I am exhausted just sitting here typing I don't want to try and do any exertion.
Find new recipies. emoticon I am tired of the same old foods.
Find my motivation again. I love . emoticon going to the gym so I need to find my focus and get going. I need to find other things that I like to do and start doing them.

Till next time

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PTX2-54 3/28/2009 11:51AM

    Hang in there! Being a healthy mom and working outside of the home is tough. Hope the baby feels better soon as you both need ample sleep . Try some of the SP recipes, I've been happy with most of them that I have tried and the family likes them too. emoticon emoticon

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ANGELAFAITH27 3/28/2009 11:15AM

    Don't give up. Don't let a few mis-steps stop you. You can get back on track. You wouldn't be here or posting this if you didn't want to!

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Healthier before?

Monday, March 23, 2009

Okay, so when I first started working out, I had very little problems. My breathing was labored but I would recover quickly. My heartrate nnever really got too high. All of a sudden, I can't even complete a program on the treadmill without feeling exhausted, winded, and my heartrate feels out of control. I sometimes can't even get a deep breath in. So wash I healthier before I started working out?

I will keep on working out, but no doubt will have to tone it down a bit, AND I will bring this up to my doc and get her take on it.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CRISSIE198334 3/23/2009 10:04PM

    Yup talk to the Dr girlie if it is keeping up! But good for you for keeping your self going! emoticon

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What is a girl to do?

Monday, March 23, 2009

It is definitely difficult times right now. I have been working like crazy. 13 hours on Friday, 13 hours on Saturday, and although I had gotten Sunday off because someone forgot to relieve me and I had to work part of a graveyard, I had to go into work on Sunday from 7-11. I am back at work this morning and am so exhausted. But, I am viewing this as me proving myself in the way that if my boss needs something she knows she can depend on me. My place of work is very very competitive, so I hope that this will stand out.

On another note, I am having difficulty with getting to the gym. I was upset this morning and told my husband that I have to find time for me, and I just can't without sacrificing time with the family. So I am torn because I am angry that I don't get to go to the gym as often as I would like and the fact that I feel guilty because when I do make time for myself I feel like I am snubbing my kids.

I know how very difficult it is to find balance, and I know that I deserve this, BUT my kids don't deserve me taking time away from them. One can say that I can go at night, but with my job I have to be up early to drive an hour to work, after I get off work if I work days then I get home around 5 and have to cook dinner and get the kids ready for the next day.

What is a girl to do?


Also because I have been working so much, my husband just got into town again and everything else, I haven't been eating very healthy at all. It has been whatever I can have someone go get me. I did get to the store and I did get some more fruit and veggies. So today I am going to eat much better than I have the past couple of days.

So plan of action:

Get back on the wagon and take food with me to work so I don't have to eat whatever, I will have more control over it.

Find a balance between the family and the gym.

Till next time!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CRISSIE198334 3/23/2009 10:07PM

    Getting healthy now gives the kids the chance to have a healthy happy mom for a very long time. You got three boys and you need to be able to run around with them. The more fit you get the easier it will be. And you have the girl, who will be seeing boys that you will have to chase to get the away from her soon and there for need to be able to run for her too. YOU taking care of YOU is in the best interest of your family.

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