Tuesday, February 07, 2012
I am having a moment, so please excuse me. I want to eat nothing but junk and have felt this way for a couple of days. Because I am not at my healthiness goals I do not currently believe that nothing tastes as good as healthy feels. I feel fat, and angry, and like I don't care what all the junk does to me. I want to throw a tantrum like a two year old. I fried chicken on Super Bowl Sunday, mashed potatoes with milk and butter, glazed carrots (also with butter), black eyed peas (which were actually healthy, just onions and pepper and a teensy bit of salt on them) I also ate a lot, and it felt so good. Like, drug addict, this is sick but I love it good. I have eaten cookies, and candy as well. And chips. I am not even hungry and I want these things. Part of it is hormonal, part of it is I feel lonely right now, and part of it is mommy stress. the Emotional Eating Beast has come up for battle.
My mommy stress is a big huge part of it. I love my son, but his ADHD pushes me to the edge and back some days. He has started a new medicine and it had him on an emotional rollercoaster while he adjusted. God willing he will adjust, so we don't have to change it again. So he is more emotional than usual, and my fiancÚ doesn't understand how to deal with this and is stressing me out with his ignorance. I love the man dearly, but I have a hard enough time dealing with my son, the added burden of having to explain each and every little action to my fiancÚ is tiring. Then, my family chimes in with their opinions and issues with how I choose to deal with my son's emotional and behavioral issues. They all know what is best, and I am wrong. They are strongly anti-medication and I catch a lot of pains in my neck from them about J's entire treatment plan. They don't believe in meds, they don't believe in cognitive therapy. I am too hard on him, I am not hard enough on him, there is nothing wrong with him that a harder spanking won't cure, I shouldn't spank him it's child abuse, how dare I even think of saying my child might have behavioral, emotional, or mental problems. These are just some of what I have to listen to right now. So I stress, and I when I stress I desperately want to eat. To fill a hole that can't be filled. Not by food anyway. I swear, you know, people who have a child with any kind of special needs have a hard enough time, and everyone wants to tell them what they are doing wrong instead of supporting them. Please don't ever think I don't spend time daily wondering if my choices for him are the right ones. I don't medicate my child so that I don't have to deal with him, I medicate my child because I couldn't stand to see him come home from school one more day crying that he is "bad" and that he "can't do this", when he was only five years old. To watch him trying his hardest and his impulsivity getting the better of him time and again. I am "hard" on my son because I know he has it in him to be great, and set my expectations accordingly. I will not ever say "Oh, well, he has ADHD, he has emotional issues, he can't be expected to do this or that" I am not "not hard enough" on my son because I know my child, what he is capable of, and do not push him beyond his strength. I am sincerely tired of all the advice, well meaning or mean spirited, all of it ignorant as a gnat banging its head against the light.
This is not a happy post, and I am sorry for it. I am hoping that getting it off my chest will help ease my cravings for the food I don't need.
Friday, February 03, 2012
First things first, I had to go out and buy a heavier set of weights today. I now have a set of 8 pounders to had to my 2's and my 5's. SO awesome. I love progress. It got to the point over the last two weeks that the 5 lb weights were not challenging enough for my bicep curls, or my tricep work, so I spent the money on the new weights. Love it. I also added a few new exercises to my strength traing routine. I can tell you, I never imagined I would be doing this, let alone be excited about it. I lifted weights in college and LOVED it, but I have let myself go so much I didn't think I would find the love again. But I have, and I am so worth this.
And the equally awesome part of this is, I have lost inches! I am up on the scale, which is disappointing, but I took my measurements today and found out that I have lost 3.25 inches total. .5 off my upper arm, 1.75 from my thigh, and 1 from my hips. My waist stayed the same =(, but I have a) not been working on my core like I should, and b) been imbibing in diet sodas and feel that has affected my waist as well. LOL, I feel super sexy today. If you catch me checking myself out in windows, or mirrows, or shiny floors, don't pay me any mind.
Now I have to start wrapping my mind around doing cardio. I have never truly enjoyed cardio. I used to make myself do it, but I was so active I got a lot in with out realizing it. I owned horses and so all my barn chores and riding gave me a lot without thinking about it. I also worked a job where I was on my feet waling and going up and down stairs for four hours at a time, five days a week. I jogged and walked for exercise, but I was never consistent. So now I must start doing cardio, slowly but surely, regardless of whether or not I like it. I enjoy hiking and walking, and riding my bike, but I am afraid that when I start doing it for "exercise" I will lose my love for it. We shall see.
Wednesday, February 01, 2012
I was checking out my Spark streaks today, and let me tell you, I was quite shocked. It feels like I have been tracking certain things FOREVER, but according to my Spark streaks I have not. My current streak for strength training is only 2 weeks long. Now, to be fair, my longest streak for this is 3 weeks, but still. Why does it feel like I have been doing this for an eternity when in fact it hasn't been that long? It isn't that I dis;like the exercise, the more I do it the more I am enjoying it. (So, if you, like, catch me checking myself out in a mirror, just keep walking, because this exercise stuff has me feeling totally hot) It is just, I swear I have been at it longer than five weeks total, at least it feels that way. I think part of the problem is that I am chomping at the bit to do more, and I know I have to go slow, take baby steps, not over do it. The not over doing it is killing me. I love to over do things. I think that is because then it gives me an excuse to quit, because I will over do it, be miserable, declare myself incapable of exercise and retire to my bedroom with cookies and milk. Taking baby steps I actually have to keep going.
One reason I am going sooooooo slowly is that I developed plantar facitis a year ago while doing C25K and I am crazy scared that it will come back with a vegenance if I go too hard on cardio. That was the most uncomfortable condition I have ever dealt with, and that includes child birth, y'all. There is part of me that wants to jump back into C25K and just go crazy, but the scared part of me says, "no way!" because I don't want my feet to hurt again. I believe slow going is what I need, but I find myself wanting to do more and so I am becoming frustrated.
On another note, I have been drinking water like crazy, and I feel so good. My skin is starting to look amazing and I don't have that run down, bloated feeling from all the diet soda. Love those non-scale victories!
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Warning, a semi-rant. Listening to all the girls at work talk about their latest lose weight quick schemes got me going:
I am no stranger to weight loss attempts, not my own or other peoples. From my earliest memories I can conjure images of my numerous female relatives trying every diet under the sun. They got together in the evenings to power walk, they drank strange concoctions that they read about in womens magazines, they ate grapefruit until their skin turned pink and they smelled constantly of citrus. You get the picture, if it promised weight loss then they tried it.
My mother was one of these women until three years ago when she started on her healthiness journey. It began with her diabetes diagnoses. She started changing things. She started walking, slowly at first, only a few minutes a day. She kept it up until she is now walking 3 - 6 miles a day. She stopped eating "white" foods, started eating whole grains, gave up all refined sugar and started tracking everything. She also joined a weight loss support group. She worked, kicked, and cried her way through 102 pounds, the hard way, which she has maintained for well over a year now.
I like to brag on my mom, because she did work hard for all of this. When I tell people about it they get excited. "How did she do it?" they want to know, "What is her secret?" So I tell them, I give them her plan, and then the reactions are always the same. The light of desire leaves their eyes, they shake their heads, they mumble, some out right argue with me. They don't believe that hard work and dedication did the trick. There is no way she lost weight that way, they try to say. Where is the lose weight quick plan, the genie in a bottle that will melt this body of mine down to what I want?
Well, the point of my story is this y'all. There is no genie. Most of us have figured this out by now, but it can always be repeated. I am overweight, obese in fact. I have done fad diets, I have tried the latest exercise craze, and the fact of the matter is, if you don't stick with it then it isn't going to work. Even fad diets require work. If you don't work hard, the plan won't work hard. That is why I am still obese, because the willingness to work hard has not been there. The willingness has been slow growing, but I am getting there making slow changes. So keep working hard, because at the end of your path, after all the hard work, is results, and the freedoms that healthiness brings with it. We can do it!!
Friday, January 27, 2012
I have had a few questions on what a NSV is, so I thought I would post a little explanation, since I use that particular abbreviation frequently.
A NSV is a Non-Scale Victory. I learned the term during my tenure at Weight Watchers. NSV's are faboo little ways to track your healthiness journey other than relying on the scale to show your progress. They can be anything from seemingly a small thing, like you chose to eat pineapple chunks instead of cookies at lunch today or you walked down the block to check your mail instead of driving; to the big, you ran a marathon or hiking the Appalachia trailway, etc. And what is a small NSV for me might be HUGE for you, and vise versa. NSV's are very personal. I love them because they help me focus on why I should persevere in this journey. They open my eyes to the bigger picture of my healthiness journey and keep me moving in the right direction. If all I am after is a smaller number on a scale then any number of methods can help me attain it. But, if I am after a healthier me, then I need to a lot more than just lose weight. NSV's help me focus on the more. That is why I love them.
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