Friday, September 28, 2012
Ok, so, I posted my positive Friday post, and I am writing out this second one because A) I need to ge this off my chest and B) I didn't want to clog my positive post with a gloomy one.
I feel haunted. It is a feeling I never expected, but upon my marriage to my fabulous husband who is about as good as a man can get, the feeling start creeping up. You see, nine years ago I left an abusive marriage. He was physically and mentally abusive, violent and controling. When I left I felt about two inches tall, and it took me seven years to trust enough to enter a committed relationship. Then I met my current husband and I felt some of my walls break down. He loves me, broken bits and all. I love him. But the ghosts of my last marriage keep rearing their ugly heads in this one.
My new husband is not an abuser, far from it. But the fear that I thought was dead and burried just keeps popping up at random moments and interrupting my joy. I dreamed last night that my husband and I had just brought home our beautiful brand new baby girl, and I was in the nursery changing her when in walks my ex-husband and he starts talking to me the way he used to, and I told him to leave and he wouldn't, and I called for my husband and he didn't come, and I felt helpless again, as if something was saying I will never be free from this.
That, of course, is not true. I am as free from as I allow myself to be. He has no power over me unless I give it to him, but it has just blindsided me that I could feel so helpless again when I thought I had put all of that behind me. I want so badly to comfort myself with food today, to fill the holes one man made with cookies and cakes.
But, I know it doesn't work like that. Cookies and cakes won't fill the holes, they won't heal the hurt, they are just like a crutch made out of flimsy cardboard, if you lean on it for support you will end up on the ground. I will be okay, these feeling are fleeting. But they are real and right now it does hurt.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Ah, this post will be difficult, because I am hormonal and don't feel like being remotely positive right now. Of course, I can't help but think my bad attitude is the perfect reason for a strictly positive post, it may realign my point of view.
I haven't gained this week, which is fab.
Stuck to my water goal
Remained much more pleasant than I actually felt and refrained from yelling like I wanted to
My feet have remained pain free thus bringing me to believe walking will be safe again after over a year.
None this week.
So there are my positives. Not much, I know, but still good things to focus on when the bad thoughts want to take over and eat cookies to feel better.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
So, I may be looking at losing a lot of weight in a very short amount of time. "How?" you may ask?
It is quite simple. It is highly likely that before Christmas I will be on the Downsized diet, at which time I will find the huge weight of stress from work lost.
You see, I have worked at the same office for 6 years. It is a small office and everyone here has been here for at least as long as I have. And none of us can stand each other anymore. We are all turning into catty, backstabbing, immature highschool mean girls, all in an effort to try to be the three or four people they keep when they down size everyone else. I am tired of it. It stresses me out. I don't really care anymore. I come to work, do my usual good job, go home, and pray for my pink slip to come soon.
This is not how I want to live my life. Our company has been sold, and only a very few poeple will get to stay, and to be honest, I am conpletely ambivilent about whether or not I am one of them, because the atmosphere at the office is so toxic now. I honestly believe it would be better for us all if we are no longer working together, because no one can be civil to each other any longer.
*phew* Sorry about the rant, i just can't hardly stand it anymore...
Monday, September 24, 2012
I struggle with my weight loss journey. Someone else appears to have no struggles with hers. I am fighting to be healthy, someone else is fighting to be a dress size she approves of. One person doesn't believe in using diet pills or aids, someone else has just started smoking to help her keep the weight off. The differences go on and on forever.
You see, I, like many women, catch myself being judgmental of other womens' weight loss journeys. I catch myself thinking ugly thoughts about people with more success with me, and about people who do things I don't approve of to get where they want to be, and about people who are more worried about dress size than healthiness.
Here is the deal though, I have to squash those thoughts, and fast. Because, no matter what someone looks like from the outside they are still a person inside, with feelings and insecurities, who have struggled just like I have if not with the same things. That person who I envy for losing so fast, she struggled even if my short sight doesn't see it. She simply applied herself better than I did. That person using diet pills may have a medical condition that keeps her from losing any other way. The person who started smoking to curb her appetite, she has deeper issues and insecurities than I can know.
I have only walked in my shoes, and can only know my journey, and I need to remember that the next time I am quick to assume anything about anyone. We are all in need of support, and so should work to support each other, not tear each other down.
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