Wednesday, January 02, 2013
Yes, a true burst of excitement which is a big deal for me...I am feeling more positive today. I suppose it's the feeling of the new year and the feeling that everyone is trying to get back to their goals and it's contagious but it's OK, I am happy getting that "bug"!
I have many goals this year and many more that I have not fine tuned yet but I might as well start listing now so it's on my mind:
1.) Get off my butt ASAP! I used to look at exercise as a 2nd job and it worked, I know I need to go, no excuses whatsoever! I plan on sticking to my usuals which is jazzercise, kickboxing, and walking but I want to add something new - my ideas are Yoga & finally try Zumba or some other type of cardio class to just mix it up.
2.) TRACK, TRACK, AND TRACK MY FOOD! I need to hold myself accountable and adjust my calories if I do plan on splurging on something occasionally and not just throw in the towel for that whole day b/c of one meal. I want to plan meals for the week and get the hubby involved as well so that I am not so overwhelmed with dinner preparation and it will help us all stay consistent with making dinner at home. VEGGIES must be included in every meal!
3.) Find time for myself - I used to say that ME time was my exercise time but I feel like I need more than that, I need time to relax and unwind and clear my mind...I think Yoga could help with this more mentally than physically or even try meditation.
4.) Be a better wife - In my mind I don't feel like I have to be superwoman but I do have tendencies to be selfish at times and I forget to give "ME" time to my husband and while I want my "ME" time I have to be thoughtful to give him time as well to do as he pleases and therefore the tension in our marriage might subside as long as we communicate more with each other on what we need instead of focusing everything on our son and forgetting about each other. It's all about balance, right?
5.) Be the MOM I want to be - I want to stop stressing over the dishes in the sink or whether the laundry is caught up, I want to be there for my son and by being there that does mean to make sure the house is somewhat in order but to let some things fall behind if it means spending some quality time playing with my son or reading him a book or just running around chasing him to make him laugh.
In my mind I know that this is my year to shine for myself and my family and I will do my very best and then some and also evaluate daily what is working and what is not working and get help from my support system and start over if I need to. These top 5 are not in any particular order, I want to devote time to each one and maybe in some more than others depending how everything is going. I want to incorporate my exercise with my family as well, I want all of us to be active and play outside and have fun. I want to teach my son that veggies are yummy and necessary to grow up big and strong and I want to learn to make them tasty for him and everyone depending on what it is.
I might even "think" more about having a 2nd child - my husband wants another one but knows that it's my decision because of what I had to go through to get our wonderful son - I basically have to write off 4-6 months for a bed rest pregnancy and how would I do that financially and with a toddler? So, if I feel healthy mentally, emotionally, and physically and can come up with a simple plan of action then I think discussions are in order with the husband. I want a sibling for my son, basically b/c I didn't have that growing up and I feel like it would be so cool but I have to think of everything and I have to make a decision on doing this sometime this year because I do turn 35 in May and I know that is an age for decisions on more children especially in my high risk condition.
Ahhh all the freshness of a New Year - I'm excited and ready for it!! Who's with me???!!! =)
Wednesday, December 05, 2012
I've been a bad Spark friend, I pretty much "checked" out of Spark...I check in every now and then but not really. I've been having difficulty with my emotional state for a few months now. I am pleased to say that I did finish the 5K Mud Run on Oct 6th but for some reason after that I just gave up! I gave up on myself for the most part, maybe I figured I accomplished something so I didn't need to work for anything else but obviously that is just a stepping stone on my journey. I feel lost and confused...I was confused all year long when I was actively exercising and eating within my caloric range and my weight would not budge so I would turn to my friend "food" for comfort and let myself down the dark path of overeating.
I decided to make a Dr appt. with my primary doctor to just talk about everything since I am just tired all the time and some other stuff as well, some back pain and such. Anyways I had such a great chat with my doctor - he sent me for basic labs to check my thyroid and all my lipid tests, more on that in a moment. During our conversation he just asked me to tell him how I have been feeling...ultimately he feels like I am having a hard time adjusting to motherhood even now over a year now of being a mother and that I am probably depressed and he was very adamant that I need to talk to their depression counselor to talk about it more and he is against just giving meds for that stuff unless it's clear I have a chemical imbalance which is fine with me b/c I don't want to take meds...I want to fix my problem. I want to feel better, I don't want to dread going home b/c of all the stuff I have to do...I feel like I'm just trudging along and waiting for something good to happen...but wait I already have something good...my beautiful family, my health, and a spirit that is sparked but it's just hidden for right now...it just needs some encouragement to break free again!
My lipid panel came back great - no concerns at all so that is good, at least I still have some healthy habits that are sticking around, I am Vitamin D deficient - probably along with everyone else in the country so I have to take 2-3K iu per day. No problem with my thyroid per the test...so I can't blame that....it's just me...but again it could be worse right?! Yes it could and that is what snaps be back into reality is that I really have nothing to complain about but I'm just getting this stuff off my chest and hopefully I can start healing and figuring out my path again and stop living in 2010 when I was so successful with my weight loss and start over.
So here I am...looking forward to the holidays and at the same time I want to sleep through them, I feel so vulnerable at this moment but maybe I need to feel that way to build up my strength little by little. I know for one I need to stop comparing myself to others, that will get me nowhere very fast! I also need to stop and smell the roses and stop rushing through the days b/c now all I notice now is how big my boy is now...where did the baby days go? I'm sure every parent says this but I feel pain from it and I feel guilty but I know he is happy and healthy and growing everyday...I just feel bad for myself that those days are gone but I can't stop time so why am I feeling like this? I dunno...now I am just thinking out loud...guess I will stop this blog for now and just keep on my re-awakening period...I know my spirit is there...she's ready to burst through!!!
Thursday, July 12, 2012
What a strange week...full of all emotions possible, I'm trying to get my mind in order to function again, I feel so out of it.
My cat died on Monday...her name was Lucy. She was my first cat I ever got when I was just starting out on my own, my co-worker said her cat was pregnant and ready to deliver some kittens any day now so I told her if there was a black cat that I would take it. Sure enough the runt of the litter was a little black kitty cat, a girl but she had a secret...she had a white belly but you would never know that unless she showed it to you. I named her Lucy for her feisty attitude that I immediately picked up on after a short week of trying to name her. Lucy from the peanuts gang - a strong woman! She was there for me in my 20's as I was trying to figure out life and she moved 4 times during her lifespan of 11 years and when we finally settled down in our own home, we bought a puppy and turned her life upside down but they were great sisters, never fought and even played from time to time. We had a baby - she stayed away from him for the most part but I would see her come up to him every now and then and rub her head against him as to say "hey, you are ok". She was my first baby girl, she was my alarm cat, she was my lap warmer, she was my baby and those memories will never leave. She was diagnosed with intestinal lymphoma right before Christmas of last year, they gave her maybe a month to live and that was with the medicine...remember how I named her Lucy for being a strong woman - boy was I right! She lived an extra 7 months on top of that and we were lucky to have her a little longer. She passed at home on Monday in a comfy spot that hubby and I made for her when I could tell it was time, she slipped away so soundly and looked like a little kitty angel. In our backyard we have been wanting to plant another rosebush next to the 3 we already have so we buried her next to those 3 rosebushes and now we will plant a gorgeous 4th rosebush on top of her grave site. I put next to her our last family picture of ALL of us together on Christmas morning and wrote my loving message to her on the back.
I have been throwing things away and giving others away just to get rid of the constant reminders that she is not there anymore but other memories come up like when I was opening up the windows for the evening air to come in, I remember she would jump right into the windowsill to just gaze outside. I opened a can of green beans last night and I remember she would ALWAYS come meowing when I opened anything in hopes that it was tuna fish for her! We now have to be awoken by our alarm clocks now instead of my sweetie meowing at us to woke up at least 10 minutes before our alarm would technically go off - yes, I miss being woken up early! I miss all those things, I feel bad for my doggie because she is in mourning too...I can tell so I give her extra love and treats - we are all suffering and I will stop grieving when I'm ready, nobody can force me to turn off my feelings - she was my first baby and I will never forget her.
Now...at the same time as all of this sadness I am preparing for my son's 1st birthday party this Sunday the 15th. I am still trying to focus on making this a special day for him as well as myself and everyone invited. It's been a crazy year as any new parent would tell you, and you can't believe that it's been a year already but thankful for the cherished memories of having a newborn and seeing him grow up into this little man with a personality, it's truly incredible! I'm excited to see how he reacts to everything and I hope he knows that I have tried my best being a new mom and I am learning new stuff everyday and I know I cannot be perfect but I can try and be everything to him. He is our miracle baby - we were at a point where we thought we would never have a baby, after having lost 4 babies and then having Rylan a month early and him just thriving after a few scary weeks is just AMAZING to me and my husband, like we would just look at each other on a sleepless night and just be amazed by our blessing and ask each other " can you believe he is ours"? It's just beyond words and that is where my extreme happiness comes from so therefore I am having extreme sadness mixed with extreme happiness - whoa!
So along with those 2 big events in my life I am on this weight loss confusing journey and my relationship to food is wavering on borderline problematic. I know what to do, I have been there done that...but my overwhelming emotions have been getting the best of me and my cravings for baked goods is my issue so I am working through that to at least have a small portion with lots of water instead of the whole pan of brownies so we are making baby steps and honestly it's been working, I usually confess in my blogs and I'm totally being honest! LOL
My HR dept sent out an email today saying that our boss is supporting a 5K MUD RUN on Oct 6th and will pay our registration fee if we get a team together so after thinking hard about it....I signed up!! Now, let me tell you I work with pretty much all fit, and athletic people so I am so very nervous to be able to stay with them during the run so I figure that should give me enough motivation to train for this in the next 3 months and train hard for it so I will sign up for the Spark to 5K program again on Monday (after Ry's birthday party of course) and give 100% to it so I can be confident with my team and have some FUN in the process!
Sorry for the long blog...thanks for reading if you stuck around, I really needed to write today and this made me feel so much better even though I think I will require a hot bubble bath today, with a glass of moscato and a good hard cry and maybe I can be refreshed tomorrow...a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do!
Get An Email Alert Each Time ATROTTIER Posts