Wednesday, September 03, 2008
I am at it again. Got on the scale today....I have gained back exactly 30 pounds in two years. This HAS TO STOP! I have held off 50. But it won't be long at the rate I am going. I DO NOT want to be one of those weight loss failure statistics.
I have been incredibly depressed and labile the past several weeks. I can burst into tears for no reason. I'll be in the midst of a conversation, and totally lose it. I feel like I have been going crazy.
So this weekend...introspective time away. It was really good for me. One day, we ate lousy, and I cried all day the next. So on Monday, we took a long hike. Five hours in the botanical gardens, walking the trails, and then down to the beach. It was gorgeous. The air was so clean. The ocean so brilliant. The breeze so cooling. Ah.
I saw the miracle of each and every flower, from the large showy dahlias to the minescule buds on a ground cover. Each was so carefully designed. As was my life....
So this life. My only time on planet Earth. What AM I doing with it, besides letting it pass me by. When others look at me, they think I do so much. But inside, I know. I know that I am NOT living to the fullest because my body is holding me back. My knees hurt again. My feet hurt again. I need more sleep again. It is too hard to carry this much weight. The extra 30 pounds feels like an extra 100. So....
Today, crackers and cheese. 200 calories. fruit/chard smoothie 250. Great breakfast! Salad for lunch and veggies for dinner with some protien (undecided what at this point) My plan is to stay at 1500 calories....
My son is turning 40. I have two and a half months to lose 25 pounds before his big party. I will do it.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned.
– Saint Francis of Assisi
There are times when past mistakes swim into our vision and do their best to consume us in guilt or regret. At such times it is essential to turn all our attention outwards, away from ourselves.
Analyzing our mistakes and developing a guilt complex benefits no one. If, when you were in Milwaukee, you happened to say something insulting about your girlfriend’s dog, it is not necessary to go to Milwaukee and find your old girlfriend or her dog and make amends. Every dog you treat with kindness will be a proxy for that dog. In this way, if you have treated a particular person badly, even if you can no longer win that person’s forgiveness, you can still win the forgiveness of yourself, of the Lord of Love within, by bearing with people who treat you badly and doing your best not to treat anyone badly again. Whatever we have done, we can make amends for it without looking back in guilt or sorrow.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
First day with new supervisor, who started yesterday, on my day off. I had my "speech" all planned. I was going to tell her how nice it was here. How everyone gets along. Great morale. No micro-management. Pretty stress free environment...but when I got into the office at 6:15 a.m. I noticed my blanket was on my desk and my second chair was missing from my cubicle...duh. (I alternate chairs from time to time, just for a change of position.) The search began. WHO goes into someone else's cubicle or office and removes furniture without asking, without a note, without ANYTHING? Duh. I found my chair. In the new supervisor's office. First encounter.
When she came in, I told her I felt very disrespected and that at least a note would have been nice. I assured her, that it was not acceptable, and that I did not expect her to ever take things from my cubicle without asking. Period. What a way to start the day....and down hill from there.
I have been praying for guidance. What should I do? Should I stay or not? Well, I think my prayers have been answered. Too much history. I have seen her go off on too many people over the years, and realize I am too guarded, and am feeling too stressed already. I take the "borrowed" chair incident as a sign....
I've sent out three applications (to the three agencies that the three other nurses in our unit have sent theirs...) I recognize that the new supervisor is trying to do the right thing. Trying really hard to be nice to people, to get things organized, etc. And I am certainly willing to help her with that. Absolutely. I know I can do that kindly and willingly. But to make conversation, or to even be polite on a personal level? it feels forced. It is time for a change.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
OK. Update. Pumpkin leaves.
First, you have to string them. I sat in front of the TV, Olympics going strong, and peeled the strings off every leave. Took about an hour for the small pile.
Next, steamed them. Using my usual method but had to keep adding water, because they kept drying out. Two glasses of water later, they emerged. Bright dark green...looked great.
THEN I ate them. Fuzzy, soft, and grainy all at the same time. They tasted like spinach/chard combo, but the texture?HORRIBLE. My hubby added a bunch of sa-cha sauce (dried shrimp sauce) and ate them all...said they weren't too bad with the sauce.
NOW? I will resist the urge to try them again. Hubby said he is fine with that decision.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
I love that statement. It has brought such centering in my spirit. I am staying on my job. At least for a while. Since my last supervisor stepped down, I have been put in the lead of several projects (by choice, I do NOT want to be a supervisor) and I will be key in helping this new gal transition.
OK. Everyone needs a clean slate when starting a new job. I am giving it to her. I will be gracious, but set my boundaries, and let her know I am worthy of respect and will not in anyway allow her to disrespect me. Or to micro manage me. In turn, I will work to be a resource for her....BUT....if she lives up to her history and her reputation, I will leave. I am choosing to stay now, but I also need to take care of myself....
I am so sleep deprived. I have totally loved watching the Olympics, but will be really glad when they conclude tomorrow...I have been walking again, but sure sitting a lot at night!
My granddaughter is such a joy. She started first grade, and on the second day already reported "It is GREAT! There's a boy who is in love with me already." After a week, "It is GREAT! There are two boys in love with me already, and I have to have all my friends protect me because they want to push me down and kiss me!" Ah...remember those days? When life was SO good, and everything was SO new?
I am busy dehydrating tomatoes again. Took a break for a few weeks, but need to get as many as I can stockpiled for gifts. AND for eating!
Got something new at farmers' market today....pumpkin leaves. I'm cooking okra and pumpkin leaves for dinner. Tomorrow is a closing ceremony party here, and I know I will be WAY over calories. Keeping it really light today. I have to turn this scale around!
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