Friday, September 12, 2008
One full week of commitment. One full week of eating on track, exercising daily. One full week of staying focused.
Tuesday, I was up by 10 pounds. Today, I weigh exactly what I did a week ago. Go figure.
I am laughing, because it proves my point. I think I weighed more than the scale showed a week ago. It was a fluke that I was down...but really, UP 10 pounds in four days of staying right within the calorie range. Pleeeeeze...how stupid does that scale think I am.
I am going to show it. I will win. It can lie away. I don't care what it says....when I am a size 10 (no goal of size 6 or 8 here!) I will be the one still laughing!
AND I spoke with my old employer, and as soon as the budget is settled (gotta love CA) I will be returning to my old job. Working downtown has been a wonderful break. But, I am ready to return to a job that has more meaning and that is more conveniently located. Doing 10 hour shifts here means I am out of the house just short of 12 hours a day. Doing 10 hours there means I am gone 11. AND I get to telecommute, and am out in the field, and not sitting behind a computer all day EVERY day (well, almost every day). There is still a lot of desk work, but only about 1/2 the time. I am ready. I am really ready.
Saturday, September 06, 2008
I actually woke up feeling thinner today. First time in ages. Feels good.
I think it has to do with the concept recently posted on one of the boards...the difference in being interested in and determined to. I have been interested in losing weight, but as soon as something better comes along, I become interested in it...now I am feeling the determination again. The stubbornness. The feeling that THIS is the most important thing in my life...that I will be STUBBORN....and I am NOT going to compromise.
Two years ago, I gave away 12 bags of gorgeous clothing. And bought a bunch of Walmart/KMart cheapies to get me through the transition so that "Next year when I am at goal, I can buy really nice clothes...." Well, I had to make a trip to the KMart clearance aisle again. NONE of the clothes I bought a year and a half ago fit. They are SO tight. I had to move up a size had to get something to again, help me through this transition. Once I get the first 20 pounds off, I should be able to wear some of the older ones again. And when I get an additional 25 off...by next spring, I will treat myself to new summer clothes!
Friday, September 05, 2008
Had a lovely working trip to Eureka. Because it was such an early trip, I was through late afternoon. And shared dinner with an old friend, went sight seeing and then shopping. Because I was out too late, 3:15 a.m. came REALLY early. Had a 5:40 a.m. flight, and got home around "7:40-ish"...called into work, to say I was going to catch some sleep and be in later. Hubby overheard the call....my new supervisor began questioning my hours. WHAT time did you leave for the airport yesterday? And WHAT time did you check in to the hotel? And what time did you get started this morning? "A little before 4:00 a.m."...Well was it FIVE minutes to four, or 10 minutes to four?...And what time did you get home? ("About 10 minutes ago...." So that was at 7:35? "I don't know the exact time, I didn't look at the clock" Well, was it 7:40, then? I need to know your hours worked....
Funny thing, I DO remember checking the time when I came in the driveway, because I was surprised to see hubby still home (7:33) but I sure didn't know I needed a time clock at the door of the house! My husband, reminded me people are always on their best behavior in the beginning...and it will only get worse from here on out. He is right. HE is now, after hearing that absurd conversation between two "adults", encouraging me to find a new job. He said, and I believe it is true, that as I am ending my career, I need to be in a place that is positive and respectful.
I have seen this woman in action before. I have witnessed her being terribly belittling to others in public places. I thought I could deal with it. I can, but I really don't want to put forth that much effort anymore. Time to keep on laughing at the absurdity of the situation.
Unfortunately, there is no budget in the state and a hiring freeze, so I am probably stuck for at least a few months yet...maybe more. But the irons are in the fire. The writing is on the wall.
On the good side, I have eaten really well into my third day...just got on the scale, and drum roll...keep on laughin'....I gained 3 pounds! (Gotta love that scale. Testing me to see if it, too, can discourage me)
Thankful for humor.
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
I am at it again. Got on the scale today....I have gained back exactly 30 pounds in two years. This HAS TO STOP! I have held off 50. But it won't be long at the rate I am going. I DO NOT want to be one of those weight loss failure statistics.
I have been incredibly depressed and labile the past several weeks. I can burst into tears for no reason. I'll be in the midst of a conversation, and totally lose it. I feel like I have been going crazy.
So this weekend...introspective time away. It was really good for me. One day, we ate lousy, and I cried all day the next. So on Monday, we took a long hike. Five hours in the botanical gardens, walking the trails, and then down to the beach. It was gorgeous. The air was so clean. The ocean so brilliant. The breeze so cooling. Ah.
I saw the miracle of each and every flower, from the large showy dahlias to the minescule buds on a ground cover. Each was so carefully designed. As was my life....
So this life. My only time on planet Earth. What AM I doing with it, besides letting it pass me by. When others look at me, they think I do so much. But inside, I know. I know that I am NOT living to the fullest because my body is holding me back. My knees hurt again. My feet hurt again. I need more sleep again. It is too hard to carry this much weight. The extra 30 pounds feels like an extra 100. So....
Today, crackers and cheese. 200 calories. fruit/chard smoothie 250. Great breakfast! Salad for lunch and veggies for dinner with some protien (undecided what at this point) My plan is to stay at 1500 calories....
My son is turning 40. I have two and a half months to lose 25 pounds before his big party. I will do it.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned.
– Saint Francis of Assisi
There are times when past mistakes swim into our vision and do their best to consume us in guilt or regret. At such times it is essential to turn all our attention outwards, away from ourselves.
Analyzing our mistakes and developing a guilt complex benefits no one. If, when you were in Milwaukee, you happened to say something insulting about your girlfriend’s dog, it is not necessary to go to Milwaukee and find your old girlfriend or her dog and make amends. Every dog you treat with kindness will be a proxy for that dog. In this way, if you have treated a particular person badly, even if you can no longer win that person’s forgiveness, you can still win the forgiveness of yourself, of the Lord of Love within, by bearing with people who treat you badly and doing your best not to treat anyone badly again. Whatever we have done, we can make amends for it without looking back in guilt or sorrow.
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