Thursday, August 09, 2007
So I saw an attorney/physician today. He has two lawsuits filed against the manufacturer of the recalled mesh. Both clients had post operative complications similar to mine, and ended up having the mesh replaced. In both cases the coil WAS broken, and the mesh was defective....
In light of the new symptoms, he is convinced my coil IS broken...based on observation and palpation of the area. He wants me to call my surgeon, and be re-evaluated for another surgery.
I could hardly breathe when I heard that. I feel numb right now. Fighting tears at the mere word, "surgery". I do not feel physically or emotionally equiped to go through that again. BUT, I will call my own doctor, see what he says (In April, when I was pretty much asymptomatic, risks outweighed the benefits...and no surgery was indicated)
From a legal perspective...do I have a case? unless there is proof that the mesh is defective, there is no way we can prove my "pain and suffering" "future medical monitoring" "change of life style" is compensable...Do I care about that? I am NOT a litigious person. This is the first time I have ever considered suing anyone. BUT, this company manufactured a defective product, recalled lots on two occasions, continued to manufacture, market and distribute them with no changes, and THEN, I had one put in my body, only to find out 9 months later it, too, has been recalled. John Grisham, take note....
So that is how MY day went...But, I had to go into the office. One of my co-workers was just leaving....her hubby has recurrent melanoma. The gal that sits next to me has a husband who is dying from melanoma. Another just lost her sister to cancer, another one's sister HAS metasticised cancer...so do I feel blessed? Yes. Even with the news I got today, my worst (well not my WORST, but bad) fears, I am still so blessed...SO blessed.
As I focus on the blessings, though I still want to go to bed and pull the blankets over my head....I feel a sense of peace. God must have more lessons for me to learn...
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
I am looking forward to another massage tonight...although the therapist is a "baby" he is still strong, and willing. I will just talk to him first, and let him know what "not" to do (like spend so much time massaging my temples...and break touch so often) before he starts...then hopefully, I can lapse into a place of deep relaxation. I have been pretty anxious about the abdominal pain this past few weeks...I will be glad when I see the consultant MD later this week. No matter how hard I try, no matter what self talk I use, or breathing techniques, or prayer....the fear of potentially facing another surgery keeps popping up.
I ate crap again yesterday. What is going on??? I eat so well, and then succumb to things like cookies. I told my hubby he is NOT allowed to bring them in the house anymore. I am an addict. One cookie, the bag is empty...NO control.
I dehydrated peaches, strawberries, bananas and apples. I have several shelves full of apples and peaches going now, with more to follow. (A friend picked her trees and gave them to me....) They should suffice for sugar cravings.
I ate a partially raw breakfast, and have a raw lunch and snack for later, since I will skip dinner tonight (cannot have a massage on a full belly) so tomorrow, I should feel lighter.
Gosh, I whine a lot.
OK. Good news, we are going camping this weekend...off to see the Persius (Perseoid) meteor showers. They are amazing! We will get lots of exercise, and I am bringing lots of fruits and veggies along. NO junk. We'll have friends with us over the weekend, and then have two nights to ourselves.
Hubby has a job interview next week...right across the street from where I will be working. How cool would THAT be....taking light rail and getting our exercise together. Change is in the wind...
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Years ago, I said, Lord, give me a mountain, please, not a pile of gravel...and so it seems I must have more to learn...
It is SO important to stay focused on the many many blessings I have. I look at other people and their HUGE problems, and I guess I am very fortunate to have so many smaller ones...I wouldn't want ANY life but my own....and AM learning to just take one stressor at a time...deal with it, THEN face the next.
Monday, August 06, 2007
And what is it that Mick Jagger says "You don't always get what you want, but you get what you NEED." So while I want to be alone, I guess I need to be with people...sigh...
So as much as I want what *I* want, it isn't happening. I realize it is time to step aside and make others feel important right now...
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
I HATE my job! (Well, not really, but I am sick sick sick of it...)
My District Manager told me today, that the 30 days he can hold me won't start until Personnel has all the paperwork processed. Last week, he said from the time I gave him the formal offer for the new position....which I provided him today. It takes about 4 weeks to process the paperwork, so that means I may have to stay here another two months...sigh...I cannot stand what I am doing. I am so bored with it, and the pressure to do the work is horrific. BUT, I do know that God has the timing under control, and when the time is right, the transfer will go through smoothly. I have to keep my human impatience at bay....
Eating so well today. I am so back on track. The scar from the hernia repair has been exceptionally painful (Think I tore something at my folks) and I am scared to death about what may lie ahead. It seems to flare up after I eat, so I am trying to graze rather than eat larger meals...It seems to put less pressure on the incision site. So that in inself is great motivation.
I am staying centered, calm and joyful...especially after each phone conversation with my folks. They are so happy with their new lives...Dad with free time, Mom in "school"...
And tonight....a 2 hour massage....
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