Saturday, August 18, 2007
CONFESSIONS OF A JUNKIE:
I have been binging like crazy this past few months...and recognize I am a junk food junkie. I easily compare myself to a street junkie...I began to "play" a little. A piece of chocolate here. A small dish of ice cream there. And so on. I'd be good for a few days, then start trashing again. And have ended up in total relapse.
Yesterday, I ate nothing but fats and sugars. Starting before 7:00 a.m. when someone brought donuts in to work. I snuck in when no one was around, and took one. A little later, I snagged the last one...again, when no one was around. It was one of those disgusting things with white frosting and red and blue sprinkles. I was shoving it in my mouth thinking how disgusting it was, but was eating it just the same. I progressed to chocolate covered pretzels, M&M's and so on. By last night, I was so full, so bloated, and THEN suggested my husband and I go out to DINNER! So we did. I didn't eat much because I realized I had been eating solid for 13 hours. And had horrible indigestion.
AND I keep picturing one of my co-workers. She outweighed me by a lot. AND had gastric bypass surgery in February. I felt FAT and HUGE next to her yesterday. And then...got pissed. Brought out the competitive part of me. I do NOT want to be the fat one at the office....since I will be leaving soon, I want to go out in glory. Not being remembered as someone who didn't succeed. But more than that, I realize my LIFE depends on it.
I am acknowledging that I am an addict. Somewhere around mid-night I hit bottom.
I got on the scale today, and I have gained back 10 pounds since November of last year. What the heck am I doing????
I am tired of feeling like a fraud. A desperately out of control human being, covered with a veneer of smiles and healthy eating. A closet pig.
My house is a mess. My inner being is a mess. My healthy self is a mess. At least it was an hour ago. My inner being is strong. My healthy self is emerging again. The house? That may take longer. I declared it a while back, and fell flat on my face, but I will say it again.
I am recommitting. I am off to farmer's market. I will be in detox this week. Will be eating at least 50% raw and the rest will be "clean" food. No joke this time. No playing with fire. My life depends on it.
I am back with a vengence!
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Husband is interviewing for new position. Like the first day of school...new pants, new shirt....nervous as can be....
My dad is having surgery this afternoon. I am nervous as can be, but expecting the best. It will be an overnight, and my brother is there with my mom. I'll see them again on the 24th.
Eating? Ate way too much all weekend, camping with friends. Eating smart, counting cals again today.
Pain is minimal to none...answer to prayer? Healing tear?
I am bored, finishing up my work, so I'll be ready to transfer as soon as the paperwork is completed...2-4 more weeks? IF hubby gets the job he is interviewing for, we will work across the street from each other...carpool, light rail, and walk to the office together. It is in the hands of God.
Friday, August 10, 2007
I woke up this morning feeling strong enough to deal with what I have to. IF this pain is normal I can live with it. Many people live with chronic pain.
IF it is related to defective mesh....that is a different story. Unfortunatley, the only way anyone will know is if they cut me open, remove it as in fileting a fish, and replace it...and that is my fear.
However, it still feels like a time bomb. If not now, will I have to deal with it in two years, in five, in 10? When I am older and possibly not as healthy? Should I opt for the surgery anyway (in March the manufacturer even suggested I have it done...is that a clue?) even though I know what it means? Last time, I lost 6 months of my life...and endured more pain than I thought physically possible. I made it through however, and have the support now, and am healthy overall....I keep thinking of a friend of mine, who caught a fast growing breast cancer in the early stages. In leiu of chemo/radiation, she said take them off. BOTH of them! "I don't want to lie away every night the rest of my life, wondering if one cell survived..." She has never regretted her decision....
I will be gone for the next 4 days (off line) Will be in the mountains, a peaceful place, and will have plenty of time to contemplate my future....and will call my surgeon when I get home.
Anyone who reads this, PLEASE pray for me...
Thursday, August 09, 2007
So I saw an attorney/physician today. He has two lawsuits filed against the manufacturer of the recalled mesh. Both clients had post operative complications similar to mine, and ended up having the mesh replaced. In both cases the coil WAS broken, and the mesh was defective....
In light of the new symptoms, he is convinced my coil IS broken...based on observation and palpation of the area. He wants me to call my surgeon, and be re-evaluated for another surgery.
I could hardly breathe when I heard that. I feel numb right now. Fighting tears at the mere word, "surgery". I do not feel physically or emotionally equiped to go through that again. BUT, I will call my own doctor, see what he says (In April, when I was pretty much asymptomatic, risks outweighed the benefits...and no surgery was indicated)
From a legal perspective...do I have a case? unless there is proof that the mesh is defective, there is no way we can prove my "pain and suffering" "future medical monitoring" "change of life style" is compensable...Do I care about that? I am NOT a litigious person. This is the first time I have ever considered suing anyone. BUT, this company manufactured a defective product, recalled lots on two occasions, continued to manufacture, market and distribute them with no changes, and THEN, I had one put in my body, only to find out 9 months later it, too, has been recalled. John Grisham, take note....
So that is how MY day went...But, I had to go into the office. One of my co-workers was just leaving....her hubby has recurrent melanoma. The gal that sits next to me has a husband who is dying from melanoma. Another just lost her sister to cancer, another one's sister HAS metasticised cancer...so do I feel blessed? Yes. Even with the news I got today, my worst (well not my WORST, but bad) fears, I am still so blessed...SO blessed.
As I focus on the blessings, though I still want to go to bed and pull the blankets over my head....I feel a sense of peace. God must have more lessons for me to learn...
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
I am looking forward to another massage tonight...although the therapist is a "baby" he is still strong, and willing. I will just talk to him first, and let him know what "not" to do (like spend so much time massaging my temples...and break touch so often) before he starts...then hopefully, I can lapse into a place of deep relaxation. I have been pretty anxious about the abdominal pain this past few weeks...I will be glad when I see the consultant MD later this week. No matter how hard I try, no matter what self talk I use, or breathing techniques, or prayer....the fear of potentially facing another surgery keeps popping up.
I ate crap again yesterday. What is going on??? I eat so well, and then succumb to things like cookies. I told my hubby he is NOT allowed to bring them in the house anymore. I am an addict. One cookie, the bag is empty...NO control.
I dehydrated peaches, strawberries, bananas and apples. I have several shelves full of apples and peaches going now, with more to follow. (A friend picked her trees and gave them to me....) They should suffice for sugar cravings.
I ate a partially raw breakfast, and have a raw lunch and snack for later, since I will skip dinner tonight (cannot have a massage on a full belly) so tomorrow, I should feel lighter.
Gosh, I whine a lot.
OK. Good news, we are going camping this weekend...off to see the Persius (Perseoid) meteor showers. They are amazing! We will get lots of exercise, and I am bringing lots of fruits and veggies along. NO junk. We'll have friends with us over the weekend, and then have two nights to ourselves.
Hubby has a job interview next week...right across the street from where I will be working. How cool would THAT be....taking light rail and getting our exercise together. Change is in the wind...
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