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Confessions of a junkie

Saturday, August 18, 2007


I have been binging like crazy this past few months...and recognize I am a junk food junkie. I easily compare myself to a street junkie...I began to "play" a little. A piece of chocolate here. A small dish of ice cream there. And so on. I'd be good for a few days, then start trashing again. And have ended up in total relapse.

Yesterday, I ate nothing but fats and sugars. Starting before 7:00 a.m. when someone brought donuts in to work. I snuck in when no one was around, and took one. A little later, I snagged the last one...again, when no one was around. It was one of those disgusting things with white frosting and red and blue sprinkles. I was shoving it in my mouth thinking how disgusting it was, but was eating it just the same. I progressed to chocolate covered pretzels, M&M's and so on. By last night, I was so full, so bloated, and THEN suggested my husband and I go out to DINNER! So we did. I didn't eat much because I realized I had been eating solid for 13 hours. And had horrible indigestion.

AND I keep picturing one of my co-workers. She outweighed me by a lot. AND had gastric bypass surgery in February. I felt FAT and HUGE next to her yesterday. And pissed. Brought out the competitive part of me. I do NOT want to be the fat one at the office....since I will be leaving soon, I want to go out in glory. Not being remembered as someone who didn't succeed. But more than that, I realize my LIFE depends on it.

I am acknowledging that I am an addict. Somewhere around mid-night I hit bottom.

I got on the scale today, and I have gained back 10 pounds since November of last year. What the heck am I doing????

I am tired of feeling like a fraud. A desperately out of control human being, covered with a veneer of smiles and healthy eating. A closet pig.

My house is a mess. My inner being is a mess. My healthy self is a mess. At least it was an hour ago. My inner being is strong. My healthy self is emerging again. The house? That may take longer. I declared it a while back, and fell flat on my face, but I will say it again.

I am recommitting. I am off to farmer's market. I will be in detox this week. Will be eating at least 50% raw and the rest will be "clean" food. No joke this time. No playing with fire. My life depends on it.

I am back with a vengence!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ZESTYLADY 8/19/2007 8:45AM

    What I love best about life is that every moment is a new one...

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GONANA 8/18/2007 8:06PM

    Uhhhh. Sorry, perhaps I over-reacted :-# I did come out of the gate a bit too strong, didn't I?

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GONANA 8/18/2007 5:26PM

    WHOA! Now just hold up a minute here - AT, that's enough self bashing, dang it! The view from here must not be the same as it is where you are. Not trying to make excuses for overeating but What I can see is a woman who has been through an incredibly trying year, one who has dealt with much more than the average woman has to over a period of years, to say nothing of you doing it in ONE year. My God, girl, you have had to deal with not only life and death, but also death and life! It may not do any good to say this but - I insist that you love yourself more than that! You have not shown yourself to be a fraud, you have shown yourself to be a person who is coping amazingly well given the circumstances. You may be a food-aholic, but you have somethign that other addicts don't have - insight and the ability to get down to business. Now THAT is what you have proven about yourself. So you have been eating lots of fat and sugar the last few days - so quit it. So you have gained back 10#, so loose it. Your house is a mess, so hire a maid. Your inner kingdom is pilaged - so call out the dragons. You can do it, You have already proven that but I hope you can do it without feeling like you are less then the wonderful person I see in you. In fact, I would so love to be just like you.

Confession IS good for the soul, baby girl. Go and sin no more! And love thyself!

I am also a closet pig and food addict. I expect to have periods where I fall down (past experience proves that!), but I will always get back up, as I am certain you do too. It took me quite a while to get over the mega-binge I was on. And another one looms in the distance, but I have my boots on and I am ready for it -

So the way I see it - If you are going to confront yourself, then I hope you see yourself for the person you really are - human, loving, striving to do better. You need to give yourself a break. breath deep, breath deep.

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NANDINI/PATTI 8/18/2007 1:30PM

    Hello AT, it's nice to meet you - my name is Patti, and I'm a chocoholic.

See darlin', you're not the only one. We usually present the best sides of our persona to the public, but in here, maybe that's not the best policy. (Said as my son hands me a bite of his dad's birthday cookie.) Maybe confession and the wonderful support here can be better used to help us learn - for isn't life just one big, long learning process??

Take it easier on yourself, too - it's not like you don't have some massive physical stressors in your life right now. And whether you say it or not - that has to be compounded by a huge dose of plain old fear. You wouldn't be human if it wasn't there. You're screaming at injustice, and just plain old reacting.

By the way - you know how to get in touch with me, and since were JFA (junk food-aholics anonymous!) buddies, I expect you to use that contact and yell when you're bottoming out, okay?????????????????? 'Sides that, you've become someone I admire very, very much.



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CASSIOEPIA 8/18/2007 1:18PM

    Admitting is the first step hon! You are on your way.

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DEEANN8 8/18/2007 1:17PM

    Good for you -- never give up!!!

And I'm right there with you. I AM an addict. I did well this week, so I thought since I was so far under my calories the one day, I'd let myself have some ice cream. What a mistake.... afterwards, I spent the rest of the night seeking out stuff to eat. In fact, I'm doing it right now... home alone... and wanting to munch. At least there's not much in the house to get into. And I also regret the pounds I put back on. :(( Only an addict could let themselves regain 30 pounds!! Together we can get through this and emerge triumphant! *hugs* Have a great weekend.

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Blah Blog

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Husband is interviewing for new position. Like the first day of pants, new shirt....nervous as can be....

My dad is having surgery this afternoon. I am nervous as can be, but expecting the best. It will be an overnight, and my brother is there with my mom. I'll see them again on the 24th.

Eating? Ate way too much all weekend, camping with friends. Eating smart, counting cals again today.

Pain is minimal to none...answer to prayer? Healing tear?

I am bored, finishing up my work, so I'll be ready to transfer as soon as the paperwork is completed...2-4 more weeks? IF hubby gets the job he is interviewing for, we will work across the street from each other...carpool, light rail, and walk to the office together. It is in the hands of God.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NANDINI/PATTI 8/18/2007 1:19PM

    Finger, toes, and everything else crossed doll!

I loved the name of your blog - some days are just like that.

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DEEANN8 8/15/2007 1:52PM

    Crossing my fingers and praying for the job. :) Praying for the surgery too. I also ate wayyyy too much this past weekend, but feel like I'm back on track now. I hope you are too. *hugs* Dee

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CASSIOEPIA 8/15/2007 11:30AM

    That would be very accommodating to have your spouse across the street! Hope his interview goes well.

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Struggling but stronger

Friday, August 10, 2007

I woke up this morning feeling strong enough to deal with what I have to. IF this pain is normal I can live with it. Many people live with chronic pain.

IF it is related to defective mesh....that is a different story. Unfortunatley, the only way anyone will know is if they cut me open, remove it as in fileting a fish, and replace it...and that is my fear.

However, it still feels like a time bomb. If not now, will I have to deal with it in two years, in five, in 10? When I am older and possibly not as healthy? Should I opt for the surgery anyway (in March the manufacturer even suggested I have it that a clue?) even though I know what it means? Last time, I lost 6 months of my life...and endured more pain than I thought physically possible. I made it through however, and have the support now, and am healthy overall....I keep thinking of a friend of mine, who caught a fast growing breast cancer in the early stages. In leiu of chemo/radiation, she said take them off. BOTH of them! "I don't want to lie away every night the rest of my life, wondering if one cell survived..." She has never regretted her decision....

I will be gone for the next 4 days (off line) Will be in the mountains, a peaceful place, and will have plenty of time to contemplate my future....and will call my surgeon when I get home.

Anyone who reads this, PLEASE pray for me...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CASSIOEPIA 8/13/2007 12:46PM

    Praying for your inner wisdom to show you the way

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ZESTYLADY 8/11/2007 11:26AM


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DEEANN8 8/10/2007 9:06PM

    Praying for you now -- for a peaceful weekend and right decisions.

God Bless,

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GONANA 8/10/2007 6:17PM

    Prayers are lined up for you as I write, from me, from everyone and everywhere.

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Didn't want to hear it...

Thursday, August 09, 2007

So I saw an attorney/physician today. He has two lawsuits filed against the manufacturer of the recalled mesh. Both clients had post operative complications similar to mine, and ended up having the mesh replaced. In both cases the coil WAS broken, and the mesh was defective....

In light of the new symptoms, he is convinced my coil IS broken...based on observation and palpation of the area. He wants me to call my surgeon, and be re-evaluated for another surgery.

I could hardly breathe when I heard that. I feel numb right now. Fighting tears at the mere word, "surgery". I do not feel physically or emotionally equiped to go through that again. BUT, I will call my own doctor, see what he says (In April, when I was pretty much asymptomatic, risks outweighed the benefits...and no surgery was indicated)

From a legal I have a case? unless there is proof that the mesh is defective, there is no way we can prove my "pain and suffering" "future medical monitoring" "change of life style" is compensable...Do I care about that? I am NOT a litigious person. This is the first time I have ever considered suing anyone. BUT, this company manufactured a defective product, recalled lots on two occasions, continued to manufacture, market and distribute them with no changes, and THEN, I had one put in my body, only to find out 9 months later it, too, has been recalled. John Grisham, take note....

So that is how MY day went...But, I had to go into the office. One of my co-workers was just leaving....her hubby has recurrent melanoma. The gal that sits next to me has a husband who is dying from melanoma. Another just lost her sister to cancer, another one's sister HAS metasticised do I feel blessed? Yes. Even with the news I got today, my worst (well not my WORST, but bad) fears, I am still so blessed...SO blessed.

As I focus on the blessings, though I still want to go to bed and pull the blankets over my head....I feel a sense of peace. God must have more lessons for me to learn...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TREELEANER 8/19/2007 1:09PM

    PS: Oh yeh, forgot, that's why they have insurance, to deflect their responsibility! Makes me mad. Hope the Internet/media gives the manufacturer a public flogging!

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TREELEANER 8/19/2007 1:05PM

    Late getting here but so sorry to hear, seems no end. However, good of you to focus on blessings, while letting the lawyers take care of the rest. That's THEIR job, and they SHOULD do it well. Seems there's no end to manufacturers' greed. Someone sure as heck ignored it and just *hoped* everything would be fine. No! They should take responsibility. Hoping for the very best throughout your treatment.

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ALLISONO 8/10/2007 9:05AM

    Good lord, K. Will the stress never end for you? I'm not a litigious person either, but go for it - how unethical for the manufacturer of your coil to continue to market it with that history. Sounds like it was all about $$$$$ on their part. Well keep your chin up, that's the best you can do. And yes, looking at yourself compared to others with trauma like a loved one dying of cancer is a good way to try to keep a perspective. But I hope that this is resolved for you soon - you've really had enough this year. Thinking of and praying for you, Allison

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FIREPLUGRN 8/10/2007 8:31AM

  Awe AT, I do not know what to say except ..we are here for you!! That is incredably hard to even think about especialy with everything you have been dealing job, parents ect ..I know the repair surgery would cause pain my friend but then afterward at least you would have peace of mind..pray to the lord and he will come up with the answer..he will guide you even when you don't think he is!! I am glad you stopped by my blog and I will be here to listen anytime you need to vent!! ANdrea

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DEEANN8 8/9/2007 9:02PM

    It is so awesome to see you look on the blessed side. I'll be praying that tomorrow brings better news.

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Massage night!

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

I am looking forward to another massage tonight...although the therapist is a "baby" he is still strong, and willing. I will just talk to him first, and let him know what "not" to do (like spend so much time massaging my temples...and break touch so often) before he starts...then hopefully, I can lapse into a place of deep relaxation. I have been pretty anxious about the abdominal pain this past few weeks...I will be glad when I see the consultant MD later this week. No matter how hard I try, no matter what self talk I use, or breathing techniques, or prayer....the fear of potentially facing another surgery keeps popping up.

I ate crap again yesterday. What is going on??? I eat so well, and then succumb to things like cookies. I told my hubby he is NOT allowed to bring them in the house anymore. I am an addict. One cookie, the bag is empty...NO control.

I dehydrated peaches, strawberries, bananas and apples. I have several shelves full of apples and peaches going now, with more to follow. (A friend picked her trees and gave them to me....) They should suffice for sugar cravings.

I ate a partially raw breakfast, and have a raw lunch and snack for later, since I will skip dinner tonight (cannot have a massage on a full belly) so tomorrow, I should feel lighter.

Gosh, I whine a lot.

OK. Good news, we are going camping this to see the Persius (Perseoid) meteor showers. They are amazing! We will get lots of exercise, and I am bringing lots of fruits and veggies along. NO junk. We'll have friends with us over the weekend, and then have two nights to ourselves.

Hubby has a job interview next week...right across the street from where I will be working. How cool would THAT be....taking light rail and getting our exercise together. Change is in the wind...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DEEANN8 8/8/2007 1:21PM

    I am soo with you on the cookies. My daughter likes Oreo DOUBLE stuff (which is not available in small or single serving packages) -- and yep, one cookie and the whole package is gone.

Hubby and I work less than 1/4 mile apart and get to car pool. It's really nice.

God Bless,

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