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Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Husband is interviewing for new position. Like the first day of pants, new shirt....nervous as can be....

My dad is having surgery this afternoon. I am nervous as can be, but expecting the best. It will be an overnight, and my brother is there with my mom. I'll see them again on the 24th.

Eating? Ate way too much all weekend, camping with friends. Eating smart, counting cals again today.

Pain is minimal to none...answer to prayer? Healing tear?

I am bored, finishing up my work, so I'll be ready to transfer as soon as the paperwork is completed...2-4 more weeks? IF hubby gets the job he is interviewing for, we will work across the street from each other...carpool, light rail, and walk to the office together. It is in the hands of God.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NANDINI/PATTI 8/18/2007 1:19PM

    Finger, toes, and everything else crossed doll!

I loved the name of your blog - some days are just like that.

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DEEANN8 8/15/2007 1:52PM

    Crossing my fingers and praying for the job. :) Praying for the surgery too. I also ate wayyyy too much this past weekend, but feel like I'm back on track now. I hope you are too. *hugs* Dee

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CASSIOEPIA 8/15/2007 11:30AM

    That would be very accommodating to have your spouse across the street! Hope his interview goes well.

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Struggling but stronger

Friday, August 10, 2007

I woke up this morning feeling strong enough to deal with what I have to. IF this pain is normal I can live with it. Many people live with chronic pain.

IF it is related to defective mesh....that is a different story. Unfortunatley, the only way anyone will know is if they cut me open, remove it as in fileting a fish, and replace it...and that is my fear.

However, it still feels like a time bomb. If not now, will I have to deal with it in two years, in five, in 10? When I am older and possibly not as healthy? Should I opt for the surgery anyway (in March the manufacturer even suggested I have it that a clue?) even though I know what it means? Last time, I lost 6 months of my life...and endured more pain than I thought physically possible. I made it through however, and have the support now, and am healthy overall....I keep thinking of a friend of mine, who caught a fast growing breast cancer in the early stages. In leiu of chemo/radiation, she said take them off. BOTH of them! "I don't want to lie away every night the rest of my life, wondering if one cell survived..." She has never regretted her decision....

I will be gone for the next 4 days (off line) Will be in the mountains, a peaceful place, and will have plenty of time to contemplate my future....and will call my surgeon when I get home.

Anyone who reads this, PLEASE pray for me...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CASSIOEPIA 8/13/2007 12:46PM

    Praying for your inner wisdom to show you the way

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ZESTYLADY 8/11/2007 11:26AM


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DEEANN8 8/10/2007 9:06PM

    Praying for you now -- for a peaceful weekend and right decisions.

God Bless,

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GONANA 8/10/2007 6:17PM

    Prayers are lined up for you as I write, from me, from everyone and everywhere.

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Didn't want to hear it...

Thursday, August 09, 2007

So I saw an attorney/physician today. He has two lawsuits filed against the manufacturer of the recalled mesh. Both clients had post operative complications similar to mine, and ended up having the mesh replaced. In both cases the coil WAS broken, and the mesh was defective....

In light of the new symptoms, he is convinced my coil IS broken...based on observation and palpation of the area. He wants me to call my surgeon, and be re-evaluated for another surgery.

I could hardly breathe when I heard that. I feel numb right now. Fighting tears at the mere word, "surgery". I do not feel physically or emotionally equiped to go through that again. BUT, I will call my own doctor, see what he says (In April, when I was pretty much asymptomatic, risks outweighed the benefits...and no surgery was indicated)

From a legal I have a case? unless there is proof that the mesh is defective, there is no way we can prove my "pain and suffering" "future medical monitoring" "change of life style" is compensable...Do I care about that? I am NOT a litigious person. This is the first time I have ever considered suing anyone. BUT, this company manufactured a defective product, recalled lots on two occasions, continued to manufacture, market and distribute them with no changes, and THEN, I had one put in my body, only to find out 9 months later it, too, has been recalled. John Grisham, take note....

So that is how MY day went...But, I had to go into the office. One of my co-workers was just leaving....her hubby has recurrent melanoma. The gal that sits next to me has a husband who is dying from melanoma. Another just lost her sister to cancer, another one's sister HAS metasticised do I feel blessed? Yes. Even with the news I got today, my worst (well not my WORST, but bad) fears, I am still so blessed...SO blessed.

As I focus on the blessings, though I still want to go to bed and pull the blankets over my head....I feel a sense of peace. God must have more lessons for me to learn...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TREELEANER 8/19/2007 1:09PM

    PS: Oh yeh, forgot, that's why they have insurance, to deflect their responsibility! Makes me mad. Hope the Internet/media gives the manufacturer a public flogging!

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TREELEANER 8/19/2007 1:05PM

    Late getting here but so sorry to hear, seems no end. However, good of you to focus on blessings, while letting the lawyers take care of the rest. That's THEIR job, and they SHOULD do it well. Seems there's no end to manufacturers' greed. Someone sure as heck ignored it and just *hoped* everything would be fine. No! They should take responsibility. Hoping for the very best throughout your treatment.

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ALLISONO 8/10/2007 9:05AM

    Good lord, K. Will the stress never end for you? I'm not a litigious person either, but go for it - how unethical for the manufacturer of your coil to continue to market it with that history. Sounds like it was all about $$$$$ on their part. Well keep your chin up, that's the best you can do. And yes, looking at yourself compared to others with trauma like a loved one dying of cancer is a good way to try to keep a perspective. But I hope that this is resolved for you soon - you've really had enough this year. Thinking of and praying for you, Allison

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FIREPLUGRN 8/10/2007 8:31AM

  Awe AT, I do not know what to say except ..we are here for you!! That is incredably hard to even think about especialy with everything you have been dealing job, parents ect ..I know the repair surgery would cause pain my friend but then afterward at least you would have peace of mind..pray to the lord and he will come up with the answer..he will guide you even when you don't think he is!! I am glad you stopped by my blog and I will be here to listen anytime you need to vent!! ANdrea

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DEEANN8 8/9/2007 9:02PM

    It is so awesome to see you look on the blessed side. I'll be praying that tomorrow brings better news.

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Massage night!

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

I am looking forward to another massage tonight...although the therapist is a "baby" he is still strong, and willing. I will just talk to him first, and let him know what "not" to do (like spend so much time massaging my temples...and break touch so often) before he starts...then hopefully, I can lapse into a place of deep relaxation. I have been pretty anxious about the abdominal pain this past few weeks...I will be glad when I see the consultant MD later this week. No matter how hard I try, no matter what self talk I use, or breathing techniques, or prayer....the fear of potentially facing another surgery keeps popping up.

I ate crap again yesterday. What is going on??? I eat so well, and then succumb to things like cookies. I told my hubby he is NOT allowed to bring them in the house anymore. I am an addict. One cookie, the bag is empty...NO control.

I dehydrated peaches, strawberries, bananas and apples. I have several shelves full of apples and peaches going now, with more to follow. (A friend picked her trees and gave them to me....) They should suffice for sugar cravings.

I ate a partially raw breakfast, and have a raw lunch and snack for later, since I will skip dinner tonight (cannot have a massage on a full belly) so tomorrow, I should feel lighter.

Gosh, I whine a lot.

OK. Good news, we are going camping this to see the Persius (Perseoid) meteor showers. They are amazing! We will get lots of exercise, and I am bringing lots of fruits and veggies along. NO junk. We'll have friends with us over the weekend, and then have two nights to ourselves.

Hubby has a job interview next week...right across the street from where I will be working. How cool would THAT be....taking light rail and getting our exercise together. Change is in the wind...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DEEANN8 8/8/2007 1:21PM

    I am soo with you on the cookies. My daughter likes Oreo DOUBLE stuff (which is not available in small or single serving packages) -- and yep, one cookie and the whole package is gone.

Hubby and I work less than 1/4 mile apart and get to car pool. It's really nice.

God Bless,

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Another piece of gravel

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Years ago, I said, Lord, give me a mountain, please, not a pile of gravel...and so it seems I must have more to learn...

It is SO important to stay focused on the many many blessings I have. I look at other people and their HUGE problems, and I guess I am very fortunate to have so many smaller ones...I wouldn't want ANY life but my own....and AM learning to just take one stressor at a with it, THEN face the next.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NANDINI/PATTI 8/8/2007 1:21AM

    Very good philosophy - tackling that one mountain at a time. Need to apply that one myself!

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DEEANN8 8/7/2007 2:39PM

    Very good point. My problems are SO small compared to other's.

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