Thursday, October 26, 2006
Too many things to say today....I am angry, and for the first time admitting it...guess that is part of the process. I am tired of pain, I am tired of an open wound on my belly, I am tired of being afraid...I cannot believe everything I have been through in this past year is in vain...I will know Monday what the measurements are again, and then we have to make a decision about what to do with my belly...allow me to close, and hope for the best, or whether the doctor will cut me open again, or whether he will want to remove the mesh all together....I have four more days to get this tissue to grow across the mesh. The sides are closing in, and the growth at the base seems to be stalled! God, hear my prayer! I don't want to waiver, but I am feeling afraid...
I made an agreement with my body last night. I promised to treat it right, feed it the proper foods, and exercise it as best I can, and in return, I am asking it to please welcome the mesh, cover it, embrace it, and stop fighting it. Please, dear body of mine...help me out here!
I got the ingredients for my pumpkin brains, and kitty litter cake...for hubby's birthday party tomorrow night. Also found some gummy eye balls...they are pretty cool...
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Wow was it blustery today...I work in a lot of pain this morning...but decided to just get out of bed, and get busy. I am so tired of being focused on my belly. So I made some wonderful eggplant, and packed up a dinner for a friend who had back surgery last week. She lives alone, and only has a sister in law to care for her....she was having a bad day yesterday, so I wanted to stop by and give her some support today...It was nice to be on the "giving end" for a change.
I am again within my calorie range...the scale still showed a five pound gain this past week...so I am really wanting to get that off! Gosh I wish I could work out...
I was out of the house for over four hours today. At the office, I showed some of the folks a picture of my wound...why is it I think they don't believe me? I think because I have always been so strong, so healthy, so energetic, that I can't believe it myself! The team said they missed their entertainer...each of us has a name (psycho b--ch, mom, our resource person, our leveler, our annoyiing one, and me, the entertainer!) I told my hubby....he and I both agree, I have HARDLY been entertaining lately...
Still visualizing my body loving the mesh...erasing the cellular memories of a hole in the muscle wall...I will talk to my body only tomorrow...refuse to mention the belly to anyone tomorrow...my new goal!
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Well, it is Tuesday, and I awakened thinking more clearly. I am in less pain, so I am not needing as much medication. I decided not to wait a week or so to get back on track, but to start today...I am going to track what I eat again, and eliminate the sugar (now that I have eaten it all out of the house!) and regain the focus.
I got on the scale and it looks like I am up about 5 pounds since I had the surgery 5 days ago...no concern....it will come off in a week or so, and I will be headed the right direction again. I still have the goal to break 200 pounds by the new year. And I can clearly do it....
Sunny day today....autumn color is here, but the cool daytime temps are not. It's actually a good thing, since I cannot wear pants. I can still get by with summer sun dresses when I have to go out. Probably in a week or so I can handle a loose waist band, but not yet. So the warm weather is still very welcome.
I have been enjoying talking to my body in a new way. I am encouraging it to lovingly accept and care for the mesh that has been placed there to help it function better. With it in place, my body will be much more able to excercise, move, inspire and enjoy life. My body must realize the mesh is its FRIEND...I am reminding it what will happen if it DOESN'T cooperate and connect with the mesh...I really don't think the body wants to go through THAT!
Monday, October 23, 2006
I started the day by eating chocolate decadence for breakfast....and ended it by eating ice cream and ginger shortbread for dessert...so that is how I am doing this week.
I am NOT beating myself up. I am NOT feeling guilty. Once I am off pain meds, I will be back...(a week or so...)
The nurse today had a very bizarre expression on her face as she did my wound care. I asked her what was up. She candidly replied that she has never seen anyone heal as fast as I do....said when she saw it Friday, it really did look like a scoop...now it is more cone shaped. I have already started filling in the sides. It is bigger than the last "hole" and the exposed mesh is down to 1 cm x 1.5 cm in diameter...so it too is closing in...not as quickly as the walls, but hopefully quickly enough.
I am using new visualization. I think my body remembers all the years of the missing tissue at the site of the hole over the mesh. And is resistant to filling it in. I am visualizing an eraser eliminating all the body memories, and visualizing the tissue "petting" the mesh, the way I pet my cat, in a loving tender way. Accepting it completely, Embracing it. Loving it...filling in the gap, as my hand does when I touch my cat's fur.
Monday, October 23, 2006
Well, made it through another day. Won't say I ate well. Just ate...I wondered today if my body needs more sugar when it is in the acute healing phase or if I need it due to my analgesic induced stupor....either way, I am eating off plan, and enjoying it...In a week, I will not be able to, and have no plans to use any excuse for being off track. I am still shooting for my goal to break 200 before the new year.
Still am not wild about this "blog" stuff. I am seriously considering going back to my journal. For some reason...this does NOT feel user or people friendly....
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