Monday, October 30, 2006
Well, big day today....The regular wound nurse did the weekly measurements. Her first reaction was a huge smile. Said she has NEVER, in her 10 years experience at the wound clinic, seen anyone heal as fast as I do...the circular "scoop" the doctor cut out of me a week and a half ago, has closed over an inch! AND the mesh has closed about 0.5 cm! Doesn't sound like much, but that means we have less than a cm to go! Unfortunately, the walls and the surface of my open wound close so quickly....the nurse thinks my surgeon might give it one more shot...open me once more, to ensure the base closes before the outside. I said this afternoon, NO way! But, the more I think about it, the more I am willing...if he opens me up one more time, it will only be about a 2 week set back - horrible pain, back on narcotics, etc - for a little while, vs laying in bed every night for the rest of my life, wondering if the mesh has closed in, or there is a pocket....just waiting to get infected. I'll see the surgeon one day this week....and talk to him about it.
I know everything humanly possible has been done up to this point. Even my surgeon is shooting from the hip now...I think he is running out of options. At some point, I have to say "Enough!" Am I there yet? I was yesterday, and earlier today....but now am reconsidering. I think so much more clearly off meds! I no longer feel depressed, whiney, and my eating is under control (except for the cookie I just ate). I am even able to walk for exercise again! Almost feel "normal"
I found my wallet...failed to mention that. Left it at the check stand at the Dollar Tree. When I called originally, they said they didn't have it, but someone had locked it in a register...so another hing to be thankful for....
Monday, October 30, 2006
OK, this is weird. I have posted blogs daily and they have not shown up here....hmmm....unless someone thought my rambling was inappropriate and reported me???
Sigh. I am tired. Daylight savings time is pretty weird. We had dinner at some friends, and by 6:30 we were all laying on the couch, wondering if it was time for bed yet???
Grandkids (oh yeah, and son and DIL) were in town today...quick visit. Only about an hour but it sure felt good to see them! Gosh little girls are great. This will be the first Halloween that we won't be there to see their costumes, etc...sorry to miss that. But we'll see them again at Thanksgiving time.
Off to bed...wonder where the blogs went. I'm trying....but I miss the journal.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Guess I forgot to journal yesterday?? What a surprise. It was hubby's birthday, and I was busy the entire day. WAY overdid, and was very uncomfortable last night...but still had fun at his little party. Unlike me, he likes only a few folks around...and that's what we had.
Dinner consisted of swamp bottom and moldy bread (Marinated Japanese eggplant and crustini), owl eyes (deviled eggs with orange yolks and sliced olive), confetti Salad (olives, oranges, grapefruit, pomegranite seeds, feta cheese, and red onions in a tossed salad), pumpkin brains (spiral pasta salad served in a cracked pumpkin), sperm whale dropping (baked whole purple cauliflower), brain with microbes (fruit and jello in a brain mold) and roasted carcass (tri-tip).Topped it off with the BEST...kitty litter cake! It was so disgusting...gourmet chocolate brownies with pecans, chocolate chips crumbled and mixed with chocolate mousse. Topped with cookie crumbs (some dyed greens to look like chorophyll) and then melted tootsie roll "droppings". We served it in a cat pan sitting on newspaper...and gosh one of the cats "missed" and left a present for us on the paper, with scattered litter near by....it was disgusting! As I served it with a pooper scooper, I was gagging, and all I heard were moans and groans...it was pretty darn funny. If I get the pics, I will post it!
I was terribly depressed yesterday...It really did help to laugh a lot last night. Even though I knew it was possible to take on more, when I was wallowing on the pity pot, it felt like things couldn't get worse for me, til this morning, when I realized I lost my wallet...sometime yesterday, when I was out and about. So after checking with every place I had been it is now time to cancel credit cards, etc...sigh...what a hassle.
At least my mind is off my belly.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Too many things to say today....I am angry, and for the first time admitting it...guess that is part of the process. I am tired of pain, I am tired of an open wound on my belly, I am tired of being afraid...I cannot believe everything I have been through in this past year is in vain...I will know Monday what the measurements are again, and then we have to make a decision about what to do with my belly...allow me to close, and hope for the best, or whether the doctor will cut me open again, or whether he will want to remove the mesh all together....I have four more days to get this tissue to grow across the mesh. The sides are closing in, and the growth at the base seems to be stalled! God, hear my prayer! I don't want to waiver, but I am feeling afraid...
I made an agreement with my body last night. I promised to treat it right, feed it the proper foods, and exercise it as best I can, and in return, I am asking it to please welcome the mesh, cover it, embrace it, and stop fighting it. Please, dear body of mine...help me out here!
I got the ingredients for my pumpkin brains, and kitty litter cake...for hubby's birthday party tomorrow night. Also found some gummy eye balls...they are pretty cool...
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Wow was it blustery today...I work in a lot of pain this morning...but decided to just get out of bed, and get busy. I am so tired of being focused on my belly. So I made some wonderful eggplant, and packed up a dinner for a friend who had back surgery last week. She lives alone, and only has a sister in law to care for her....she was having a bad day yesterday, so I wanted to stop by and give her some support today...It was nice to be on the "giving end" for a change.
I am again within my calorie range...the scale still showed a five pound gain this past week...so I am really wanting to get that off! Gosh I wish I could work out...
I was out of the house for over four hours today. At the office, I showed some of the folks a picture of my wound...why is it I think they don't believe me? I think because I have always been so strong, so healthy, so energetic, that I can't believe it myself! The team said they missed their entertainer...each of us has a name (psycho b--ch, mom, our resource person, our leveler, our annoyiing one, and me, the entertainer!) I told my hubby....he and I both agree, I have HARDLY been entertaining lately...
Still visualizing my body loving the mesh...erasing the cellular memories of a hole in the muscle wall...I will talk to my body only tomorrow...refuse to mention the belly to anyone tomorrow...my new goal!
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