Stuck in the eddy

Thursday, March 29, 2007

I did fix a healthy dinner last night, and had a great breakfast (raw carrots/cukes/avocado/sprouts/edamame beans and onions in a fresh basil sauce) and then it was downhill all day. Our computers were out so they sent us home to work...did I work? not much! I just want to Escape. Veg. Eat.

And tomorrow we leave for Bakersfield...it is a trip with 6 others that has been postponed twice already, and the people we are staying with say this is it. Now or never, and since we are part of the group, we almost HAVE to go. It will be fun, but unfortunately the purpose of the trip is to eat. One of our group is from Bakersfield and has raved about Basque restaurants for as long as I can remember. So we are eating at one Friday night, and another Saturday night, and coming home on Sunday. Thank God this is a dancing group so we can wear off the calories. Buck Owens home town...line dancing. Country swing. And so on. It'll be fun. But too much food, and I am already stressing...

I want to escape. And there is none. I was snippy with my boss today. That is so out of character. A week ago, I called my doc to see if I can see someone to help me settle down. A call back yesterday. No return call after I told them I was desperate at 9:30 this morning...

I know this will pass. It is just a part of the whole life process. I realize the thought of the mesh inside is still eating away at me. This is sure not the healthy way to cope with things...but as I focus on letting go and just being the log in the river, I realize that I have been tossed in the rapids and now am stuck in an eddy. Eventually, the current will toss me out again...so I can flow into smooth waters....

  

Back to reality

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Ok. Hangover gone. Two inspiring days with the grandkids, and I feel great mentally....but what has happened to the body? For some reason, all I want is junk food...I mean JUNK food! I fixed a really healthy dinner last night, and ate a great breakfast today, but have supplemented with cookies and ice cream. WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON????

First of all, my sleep pattern has been totally out of whack. DANGER!

Then I had a birthday party for the five year old, and she got to pick her dinner. Mac and cheese, edamame and corn, and a surprise cake. I also fixed a HUGE salad, so dinner wasn't so bad in itsself, and I added lots of pineapple and fresh strawberries to the cake, hoping that would help...but nothing did...portion control, GONE!

Yesterday, we had leftovers, again....PORTION CONTROL GONE!

Sigh. Went out to lunch today. Had a huge salad...but why did I eat two pieces of bread with butter, and the ice cream for dessert??? WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME???

Sleep disruption. Lack of structured exercise... And just plain too lazy to fix healthier meals...think that could be it???

Tonight, I am having vegetables for dinner, and am really ready for them. Zucchini, mushrooms, onions, and tomatoes...with lots of fresh basil...Maybe that will help, with a good eliptical workout.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SNOWDROP76 3/29/2007 3:13PM

what the heck is going on?? you're human. and no matter what- unconditionally still my hero. you'll get back on the wagon, and get serious for real, when you are ready. then you will go on from there, just like me... and everyone else. nuthin to beat yourself up for- merely human. good to see you enjoy yourself after all that awfulness. love ya! xoxoxo sn Report Inappropriate Comment

ALLISONO 3/29/2007 7:30AM

Sounds like the weekend was liberating for you. Don't worry so much about your slide, sounds like you got right back on it and maybe it was the little "psychological pity party" you needed and deserved after the past couple months to make yourself feel a little better. Just go forward like it never happened and continue on doing what you know you need to do. There's nothing wrong with letting go and having fun once in a while. You needed a break. Report Inappropriate Comment

CASSIOEPIA 3/28/2007 11:38PM

You mentioned *sleep* a couple of times. That was the healthy habit that most surprised me along this journey, but I soon found out that as soon as I had a couple of nights with less sleep, I started making poor choices. Slippery slope, my dear! Get to bed. Love ya, Cass Report Inappropriate Comment

GONANA 3/28/2007 9:06PM

The same thing happens to me! I have to be pretty stringent about how I load myself with carbs - the more I eat, the more I want. If I eat something unhealthy for me, things start to snowball from there and it is hard to get back on track. It may take time, but I do manage to get back on track. You will too. Just think how much healthier you are now and how conscious you are about what you eat! Even when you slip up, you are still doing very well! You will catch your head. It will be alright. Report Inappropriate Comment

Mental Health

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Last night we went to a party at a friend's house. I've known her for close to 20 years. We don't see each other often, but we have this amazing connection. She is younger than I, and a few years back, married a wonderful man who was almost 20 years her senior... He died less than a year after they were married, and it was really hard on her. In addition to seeing her (it had been about a year and a half....) I saw one of my favorite co-workers from the past. We hadn't seen each since the 80's! I have MISSED him!

Lots of tequila, lots of dancing, and laughing so hard I couldn't breathe. My hubby had a blast with my old friends, and it was just what I needed. Ate crap, drank too much, and ended up playing charades. My first one was "A nude descending the staircase"....we were outside, and there were no stairs....

Anyway, we are setting up a girl's getaway weekend at the coast. Should be a blast with this wild and crazy group. I think we all need these types of friend in our lives....

I am NOT getting on the scale today. I ate really good yesterday and blew it last night. I was the only one who brought anything healthy. Mostly store bought cookies, dip and chips, etc...so much for no sugar or processed foods! I guess the best I can hope for is that the exercise during the day (2 mile walk) and the dancing last night balanced it. Can't do THAT on a regular schedule....

Kids still in Bend, trying to get the truck loaded. May not get out til tomorrow, so birthday party may be on hold...

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GONANA 3/25/2007 1:14PM

Oh girl, sounds like you had just what you needed! I need that too! Don't worry too much about what you ate and drank last night. You eat well most of the time, exercise and all that good stuff. Just because you let go at the party doesn't mean you are doomed! Keep having fun! Report Inappropriate Comment

Stella's Birthday

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Was it really FIVE years ago that I became a grandma??? Is time flying by that quickly? Oh, I remember the joy...hearing the first cry...watching this little girl steal my son's heart without him even knowing it. Seeing his tears flow with joy....and seeing the DIL, so brave in her labor...amazing. And now, Stella is 5.

They are moving home, yes home, to California this weekend. As fifth generation, my son says he just misses it too much. So we will celebrate the birthday on Monday...I asked little Stella what she wants for her birthday dinner...I told her I would fix her anything. So she thought and thought and said, "Corn and Edamame!" Then she added macaroni and cheese, and carrots with ranch dressing...not too bad for a kid her age...

I am still vacilating in mood. Keeping a sense of humor, depsite the intermittent tears. I feel the stress has taken a toll on my body, my hormones, and ??? I am at one moment feeling incredibly alive and filled with peace, thankful and filled with love, then I flip to a state of panic, and the tears flow...I slept last night for almost 11 hours. Came into work at 10:30 instead of 7:00. I think I am still needing to escape now and let my reserve fill...I have none left. So I will sleep in late tomorrow.

Tomorrow night we're going to a party at a friend's house. Within weeks of their wedding, he was diagnosed with cancer and died a few weeks before their first anniversary. It's been two years now, and she is reintegrating. There will be some people there that I worked with before I met my husband! It'll be fun. And of course I wll bring seaweed salad!

I am watching a documntary on a children's dance troup from Chechnya. What those young eyes have seen. What pain their hearts have felt. I am such a whiner...I am so blessed, under the worst of circumstances...

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CASSIOEPIA 3/24/2007 10:52AM

What a roller coaster post you have written. Great news, sadness, worry, joy, grief, fear, exhaustion and rest. Go back and read it again yourself - I'll bet it surprises you with the extent of emotions. Cassie Report Inappropriate Comment

Un-Cooking class

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Last night hubby joined me in a class...it was awesome. Some new recipes for chili, pesto salad dressing, sweet soup (OK, but wasn't wild about it) and banana pudding...yummy! I will post recipes on the RAW FODDIES recipe page...the instructor was a vegan dietician with lots of knowledge and info about health and nutrition...recognizing no one in the class would probably ever be 100% raw (as I will not be) but providing healthy alternatives to encorporate new ideas and concepts to one's dietary plan. It was so great. I really needed to be re-inspired.

Still struggling. I am affected with overwhelming desire to just stay in bed. Just getting up and getting to work is abuot all I can do, and by the end of the day, I am so exhausted. Part of the problem, I know, is I am not sleeping well at night...no surprise there. If I can get to sleep, I often wake up at 2 or 4 and cannot get BACK to sleep. I start to get worried when my sleep cycle is so unsettled. Think I will have a toddy about 7 p.m. tonight, so I can crash early....

I had planned on taking a noon walk yesterday, but the sky opened and dumped rain and hail the entire afternoon...so that was out. Will try again today, but there are black clouds in the sky, though intermixed with sunny skies...we shall see....

Now, back to work. I am still bored. Ready to retire, but focusing on staying in the present and giving my entire energy to whatever I am doing at the time...whether it be play OR work.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CASSIOEPIA 3/21/2007 4:34PM

I have been away for a few days, and very busy with my children. Reading through the past few blogs, I get the feeling that you are ready to retire. I think you need to have your "queens" visit you. Can you give one of them a call, and have her set something up to cheer you? It will be good for your spirits. As always, HUGS - Cassie Report Inappropriate Comment