Monday, March 19, 2007
I am not going to fight it. I am just admitting I am depressed. I have no energy. I have no motivation. I feel like I am a walking emotional zombie. Numb, but will burst into tears at the least provocation. I know it will pass...it is part of the process. I am not going to be "miserable" and "whiney", but rather just be mindful that my brain is going through the normal process of adjustment after a shock or a trauma...and learning abou the recall two weeks ago clearly was traumatic. So...I am coasting, the old log in the river....
A part of me is pushing to get up off my butt and exercise, take action and do something....but the other part of me wants to stay in bed...So I am compromising. I am up and dressed and sitting in front of the computer. Hah! I so want to stay in Fort Bragg another day, and just not go to work tomorrow, but I know I need to get up and finish getting ready for the drive home. Laundry is almost finished, and as soon as it is in the dryer, I will pack up and we'll head out...
I'll be better in the a.m.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Oh, tis a lovely day today...the clean air, the cool breeze and the sounds of the surf. What more could one want.
Went to a showing of "Whales on Parade" after breakfast with friends. Each year, the art association invites artists to design a whale for a silent auction fund raiser. Cutout plywood whales are provided, and any design or media can be used...It is amazing to see the creativity in the community. I was invited to "do a whale" this year, but declined due to the chaos in my life at the time of the invite. But next year....I already have several designs in my head...
I am still feeling angry whenever I think that a manufacturer could continue to make and supply a defective product, that would be implanted into the body of a human...and the anger is spurring me on, BIG time! The medical record is ordered. Should have it in a week or so. I will review it, make a copy for myself, and one for my attorney...
I realize the uncertainty of what could happen with this coil inside of me. It too difficult to deal with right now...and I am not sure I will ever get the anxiety under control enough to live with it, if I have the option for removal. So as soon as I have allowed enough time for the severity of the situation to really sink in (I am still kind of shocky and in total denial that something like this could happen to me...) I will probably opt to have it removed. Despite what my surgeon thought when he called to notify me of the recall. My attorney asked if my surgeon had referred me to another surgeon for a second opinion (IMR) and the answer is no. So as soon as things settle down, and I know a little more, I will talk to my surgeon again, and if necessary see someone else for an IMR. I feel so lost, and would love to have someone else make decisions for me right now...just taking things day by day...
I think I am battling a little depression. Feeling the urge to isolate, and wanting to escape a little...If I hide under the covers for a while, will that make it go away? (joke...I know it won't) I am just allowing myself to feel what I feel. Accepting all of it as part of the bigger picture, the process. Always, the process of growth and learning to stay in the present, mindful of all things...and trust, letting go, knowing *I* really have no control...
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
I am finally feeling like I can deal with the situation. My emotions are in check and my fears and anxiety are under control. Not crying. Sleeping ok. AND the anger is subsiding, but I am still carrying the momentum to move forward. Spoke with an attorney today, who specializes in this type of law, and who happens to be a friend as well...I have relinquished my fears of what to do and how to proceed...The ball is in his court now.
OK. Eating. Have done well this past week. Except for last night...I was so exhausted when I got home, I told my hubby he could take me out to dinner. We had a two for one at a great Italian bistro, so we went and I ordered polenta with seafood, and put half of it in a to go box, and gave half of what was left to my hubby. Then, he gave me a bowl of his bouillabaisse...and at that point I thought it might be too much, but I was too tired to care. Had a few bites, and bit into a BAD mussel! BAD one! I immediately spit it out onto the table, and grabbed my glass of water to flush it out of my mouth...then ran into the bathroom to continue flushing...I was so nauseated afterwards. Had a cup of tea to settle my stomach and (how kind of them) got a "free dessert coupon" as compensation, but had to pay for the tea! Anyway, I did laugh when I told hubby, I KNEW it was too much, and didn't stop so the divine forces did it for me! ha ha ha ha....I'll probably never eat a mussel again!
Anyway, down to 210 this a.m. Need to break this barrier that is so elusive...
I am running to Walmart later. I have two outfits for summer that are work appropriate. I have worn them both on survey this week, and we have two days to go. I need to get a couple of blouses that I can button now, and wear as jackets later... I wore a short sleeve light jacket that was WAY too tight last summer, and it sags on me now...good news but no clothes...
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Well, I guess anger is a good thing. At least according to Kubler-Ross. One of the stages of grief. So I have passed the stage of shock, and panic. I am now just feeling really angry that this manufacturer KNEW there were issues with the coil, and continued to manufacture the same one, despite recalling certain lots. Mine was implanted 7 months after a recall of the same one....hmm....sounds like a familiar Grisham plot....
Anyway, I am now feeling afraid to overeat at all. WHAT IF...I have to go in for emergency surgery? I have a bowel perforation, and they are FULL? And so on. As a result, for the past several days, have taken in LESS than my recommended calories for the day. And now, I am nervous that my body will begin to move into the starvation mode. SO, I am trying to up my food today. Making healthy choices, but aiming for the top of my range.
It was so wonderful to have the grandkids yesterday. I told my son and DIL about the recall, and when they asked what they could do to help, I told them taking the girls was the best therapy for me. To be reminded of young life, and laughter...and to be so busy, I wouldn't have time to focus on anything related to my belly. Staying in the present...
Did some terra therapy today. Got my herbs in, cut back the thyme and oregano, planted LOTS of basil, and marjoram. I already have a few kinds of mint, and tons of rosemary...may stick in some dill later. Limited supply right now. Also weeded the flower garden. Ran out of strength before I got the flowers in however. Belly was killing me. I was solid sweat, and dizzy, so I guess those were the signs...
Start a survey tomorrow...back to the grind. EARLY with the clock changes!
Friday, March 09, 2007
I was so relaxed when I went to bed. I so appreciated the massage last night. I was able to at least "leave my thoughts, leave my fears, leave my body" for a little while.
I talked to the manufacturer today. Really got no answers to relieve my fears. The suggestion of having the coil removed was so traumatic to me that I lost it on the phone...I burst into tears and couldn't stop. I am so scared. As calm as I try to be, I feel so anxious. As much as I try to stay in the present, and not worry, I cannot help but wonder if I will ever go to bed without the fear of something going wrong in the middle of the night. Can I ever travel again? Must I be 10 minutes from an ER the rest of my life...Will my body need, and will it take another surgery???
I am praying for peace.
On the other side of things. I have NOT succumbed to emotional eating. Got on the scale today, and am finally down below what I was when I "went on sabatical"
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