Sunday, October 22, 2006
I have seen Phantom live on three separate occasions. We have free HBO this weekend, so I recorded the movie. I am really trying to stay on top of the pain today, so am pretty groggy. After overdoing this a.m., I laid on the couch, put the movie on, and was in an out of wakefulness for the next few hours. What marvelous music to dream to...
Made a great dinner with Farmers' Market veggies tonight. Made up for the junk I ate the rest of the day...
I am zonked. Can't write much. I am still optimistic...really feeling this surgery will be the last.
Friday, October 20, 2006
Well, all the Versed, and Lidocaine are long gone...and the only relief I get is when I am asleep. But, I know this phase will pass. I am so much stronger emotionally than I was the last time around.
Interesting...when the doctor did the last surgery, he opened me like a "cone" much wider at the top, than at the base where the mesh was exposed. This time, he opened me like a "scoop of ice cream" much wider on the sides, than at the top or the bottom....So what is next, a banana split? or a hot fudge sundae??? (ok, the humor gets bizarre on pain meds)
I am eating more than I need to right now, seems to be a pattern after every surgical procedure. I am not worrying about it...Sometimes I think it is because I need more for healing, sometimes I think it is because the pain meds interfere with my motivation and sense of control over my eating. But in a week or two, I should be off the meds again, and can focus on cutting calories again.
My spirit is strong, my emotions are intact, and I am optimistic about the outcome. I am almost out of disability benefits (can hardly believe it!) but have over 400 hours of benefit time accrued at work, and then I can use them. I am so thankful that this whole mess has not had a great impact on our finances. A couple more weeks off, then a couple of weeks part time, and then, God willing, I will be almost healed and back to work, with all behind me...
Thursday, October 19, 2006
OK, it's behind me now. The doctor was totally optimistic after the surgery. He said the uncovered mesh is down to the size of a nickel, and he cut me back on the sides so they are really concave, and will hopefully not bulge out and close in before the mesh covers. He said he is confident the mesh will cover, and is hopeful this will be the last time he has to cut me open....ahhhhh.... the words I want to hear.
I have no pain...took a couple of pain pills when I got home so when the anesthesia and the versed wear off, I would be ok....so I am higher than a kite, and very relaxed. Of course, tomorrow....
I have eaten like a pig all day...and am now nauseated....that is the one thing about these meds...Last night I had an emotional pig out, and today, sigh....I know as soon as the meds are out of my system, I will feel more in control.
Thanks to everyone who sent well wishes, thoughts, and most of all prayers. The next month or so will be critical. And I am trusting God will continue with His gracious mercy....
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Well, I am batting two out of three tonight.
My intellect knows it must be done. A minor procedure now, to prevent a potentially horrific problem down the road. I have complete and total trust in my surgeon. I have been in the same surgical suite before. I know it is not a major surgery....no internal organs involved, no terminal prognosis, no general anesthesia, etc.
My spirit is at peace. Throughout this entire process, I have known that I would come through it. My spiritual confidence tells me all will be well. There is a part of me that says, I cannot believe God would allow me to endure everything I have been through in this past year, if it was not going to culminate with a positive outcome....yet, I know many people have suffered far worse than I, and have not had any relief...just more trials. So, I dismiss that kind of thinking and just let go, knowing tomorrow and my entire future is out of my hands. I have been provided with tremendous amounts of support and encouragement. My spirit rests....
And finally, the #3...my emotions...well like I said, 2 of 3....pretty human, I guess. I admit I am anxious. I keep trying to supress the "what ifs?" that pop up...and usually can, but they are coming at me with a vengence. I am wondering how well I will really sleep tonight. sigh
I have over eaten tonight. Not as bad as I could have (love the way I rationalize) I am probably still under 2000 cals, but stopped counting at dinner....I'll be stoned on meds tomorrow, and will probably sleep most of the day, so know I won't meet my max and hopefully will balance out. This is one of the first times I have eaten emotionally for a long time...
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Got the word. Surgery is scheduled for Thursday, October 19 at 7:30 a.m. I am thankful it is so soon...waiting is always the hard part. Guess I will soon be back to percocet, Judge Judy and Turner Classic Movies! HA!
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