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ATRANSFORMATION's Recent Blog Entries

Thinking clearly

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Well, it is Tuesday, and I awakened thinking more clearly. I am in less pain, so I am not needing as much medication. I decided not to wait a week or so to get back on track, but to start today...I am going to track what I eat again, and eliminate the sugar (now that I have eaten it all out of the house!) and regain the focus.

I got on the scale and it looks like I am up about 5 pounds since I had the surgery 5 days ago...no concern....it will come off in a week or so, and I will be headed the right direction again. I still have the goal to break 200 pounds by the new year. And I can clearly do it....

Sunny day today....autumn color is here, but the cool daytime temps are not. It's actually a good thing, since I cannot wear pants. I can still get by with summer sun dresses when I have to go out. Probably in a week or so I can handle a loose waist band, but not yet. So the warm weather is still very welcome.

I have been enjoying talking to my body in a new way. I am encouraging it to lovingly accept and care for the mesh that has been placed there to help it function better. With it in place, my body will be much more able to excercise, move, inspire and enjoy life. My body must realize the mesh is its FRIEND...I am reminding it what will happen if it DOESN'T cooperate and connect with the mesh...I really don't think the body wants to go through THAT!

  


Monday, Monday...

Monday, October 23, 2006

I started the day by eating chocolate decadence for breakfast....and ended it by eating ice cream and ginger shortbread for dessert...so that is how I am doing this week.

I am NOT beating myself up. I am NOT feeling guilty. Once I am off pain meds, I will be back...(a week or so...)

The nurse today had a very bizarre expression on her face as she did my wound care. I asked her what was up. She candidly replied that she has never seen anyone heal as fast as I do....said when she saw it Friday, it really did look like a scoop...now it is more cone shaped. I have already started filling in the sides. It is bigger than the last "hole" and the exposed mesh is down to 1 cm x 1.5 cm in diameter...so it too is closing in...not as quickly as the walls, but hopefully quickly enough.

I am using new visualization. I think my body remembers all the years of the missing tissue at the site of the hole over the mesh. And is resistant to filling it in. I am visualizing an eraser eliminating all the body memories, and visualizing the tissue "petting" the mesh, the way I pet my cat, in a loving tender way. Accepting it completely, Embracing it. Loving it...filling in the gap, as my hand does when I touch my cat's fur.

  


Sunday night

Monday, October 23, 2006

Well, made it through another day. Won't say I ate well. Just ate...I wondered today if my body needs more sugar when it is in the acute healing phase or if I need it due to my analgesic induced stupor....either way, I am eating off plan, and enjoying it...In a week, I will not be able to, and have no plans to use any excuse for being off track. I am still shooting for my goal to break 200 before the new year.

Still am not wild about this "blog" stuff. I am seriously considering going back to my journal. For some reason...this does NOT feel user or people friendly....

  


Phantom of the Opera

Sunday, October 22, 2006

I have seen Phantom live on three separate occasions. We have free HBO this weekend, so I recorded the movie. I am really trying to stay on top of the pain today, so am pretty groggy. After overdoing this a.m., I laid on the couch, put the movie on, and was in an out of wakefulness for the next few hours. What marvelous music to dream to...

Made a great dinner with Farmers' Market veggies tonight. Made up for the junk I ate the rest of the day...

I am zonked. Can't write much. I am still optimistic...really feeling this surgery will be the last.

  


Ice cream....(or is it I scream?)

Friday, October 20, 2006

I hurt...

Well, all the Versed, and Lidocaine are long gone...and the only relief I get is when I am asleep. But, I know this phase will pass. I am so much stronger emotionally than I was the last time around.

Interesting...when the doctor did the last surgery, he opened me like a "cone" much wider at the top, than at the base where the mesh was exposed. This time, he opened me like a "scoop of ice cream" much wider on the sides, than at the top or the bottom....So what is next, a banana split? or a hot fudge sundae??? (ok, the humor gets bizarre on pain meds)

I am eating more than I need to right now, seems to be a pattern after every surgical procedure. I am not worrying about it...Sometimes I think it is because I need more for healing, sometimes I think it is because the pain meds interfere with my motivation and sense of control over my eating. But in a week or two, I should be off the meds again, and can focus on cutting calories again.

My spirit is strong, my emotions are intact, and I am optimistic about the outcome. I am almost out of disability benefits (can hardly believe it!) but have over 400 hours of benefit time accrued at work, and then I can use them. I am so thankful that this whole mess has not had a great impact on our finances. A couple more weeks off, then a couple of weeks part time, and then, God willing, I will be almost healed and back to work, with all behind me...

  


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