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Happy "Anniversy", My Sweet

Friday, June 13, 2014

So not only is today the 11 month anniversary of losing my dear husband, but it would have been our 26th wedding anniversary. Or "anniversy" as we called it.

Funny story….

Hallmark apparently either invented or cashed in on anniversaries. First one is paper, second one wood, etc….

Well, on our paper anniversary, we bought a new home. Our first together. And we signed LOTS of papers on that date! And as it was being built, we were there every day, watching the progress. When they poured the foundation, we wrote in the cement, as one should, to christen the house.
"Happy First Anniversy"
And here is to many more together!
ABC and KAR

Only afterwards, when we stood grinning, admiring our handiwork, did we realize we'd left out a syllable! Oh, we laughed. Especially thinking how nothing we'd ever done was "cast in cement". Could NEVER say that again….and we could never say Happy AnniversARy again, either… Because Anniversy was cast in cement.

Damn, I miss him.

I have cried for over 24 hours, almost non stop…my eyes look like little slits in a mound of puff. But, this day is drawing to a close. Tomorrow is a fresh start, and I am headed south to visit my dad for Father's Day. Having lost my mom last year, too…he gets it. Sometimes we cry together. Most of the time, we avoid the subject, knowing it it just too painful…

I am overall doing well. Went on a second "first date" He is allegedly only 4 years older than I, yet I felt like I was out with one of my dad's friends. We'd bantered, joked, and talked for hours on the phone prior to meeting face to face. He had a rich, deep voice, and was so funny. Made me feel good to laugh….until we met. Both of us had great expectations. He was too old. I was too fat. And chemistry was about a negative 2. But, as it often does, good triumphed. We mutually decided, that since it was very clear we have no attraction to each other, we can really just be friends, and we still chat on the phone. And it is SO nice just to have dinner with a low voice.

I ate horrible these past two days. Reverted back to lousy coping skills. But I DID meet with my trainer today…and upped my workout program. New machines, lots of additional exercises. Where I used to do 10-20 pounds, I now can do anywhere from 20-80, depending on the body part being worked. And she recommended doing 5 minutes of cardio, then three machines, then 5 more minutes cardio, then three more machines, and so on….interval training. To increase calorie burn when doing weights. I will begin counting calories again tomorrow. And will see if I can access a gym in SoCal while I am gone. If not, it will be walk, walk, walk… and my table leg lifts, stretching and so on…

I refuse to be alone the rest of my life. And I realize if I don't like my body this way, no one else will either… not what I want to believe, but reality.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CASSIOEPIA 6/13/2014 11:14PM

    Happy Anniversy Kathy! This will always be a special day for you, and a day well worth celebrating and remembering special memories. What a sweet story, written in cement. I wonder if the new home owners have any idea of the love they inherited.

Peace be with you.
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A_RARE_BEAN 6/13/2014 11:41AM

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KALIGIRL 6/13/2014 8:33AM

    Here's to your strength and fortitude during a very tough time.
Glad the memories are sweet and while the food intake may be for comfort, that will change as time passes.
emoticon on emoticon on your gym work - fastest way to get to a body you'll love.
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PEACEFULONE 6/13/2014 8:22AM

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REGILIEH 6/13/2014 6:09AM

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EVER-HOPEFUL 6/13/2014 5:52AM

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GRANDMAFRANNY 6/13/2014 2:40AM

    IT IS HARD, I KNOW BUT THINK OF THE MEMORIES. REALLY !! I BET HE WAS YOUR FIRST LOVE. BUT NOW, KID. IT IS YOUR TURN TO THINK ABOUT "YOU" AND A NEW CHAPTER. GOD BLESS YOU AND emoticon IT, KID.

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PRAIRIECROCUS 6/13/2014 2:17AM

    Sorry to hear of your losses.
You have many good memories of your Mom, and late husband.
I'm glad that your Dad is still alive.If you keep doing all your new
workouts, I think that you will be pleased with your gorgeous, fit
body. As you learn new sports, such as golf, I think that you may
meet someone you like.

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Just when I thought it was getting better….

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

I relapsed.

In many ways.

And there are reasons and/or excuses.

First of all, this past weekend was the 27th anniversary of when we met. It was at the annual Sacramento Jazz Festival. I was with a girlfriend, and we had to find separate seats because the venue was so crowded. I helped her find one, because I'd seen the band before. I found one for me…straddling a tent pole, but I was desperate. "Excuse me, Sir. Is that seat taken?" And that is how the love story began. The seat WASN'T occupied til I sat down. The man sitting next to me and I saw a couple of good seats open up and we ran to them, spent the rest of the day together. My friend thought he was "So cute, perfect for you…" and went home after just a couple of hours. He and I ended up going to after event jam session and finally at 5:00 am. he took me back to my car. He called a couple of days later to wish me a happy birthday, and the rest is history….

So I was dealing with all the memories of that day and the subsequent festivals we attended together. And the 15 years we worked as bartenders there. One excuse down.

Then, there was the meteor shower. Many years, on August 12/13 he and I would head out to watch the Perseid showers... Into the mountains, to the coast or some other remote dark place and lay in the back of pickup trucks, in the middle of a meadow, on the beach or in a campsite with our eyes on the sky. We saw shooting stars galore together and even a fireball one time. And always oohed and aaaahed when we saw a tail! Oh, we loved those summer nights. So this past Friday night, when we were bombarded again with meteors, the memories came flooding in.

And then, it is my birthday in a couple of days. My first in 27 years without him. Almost more than I can bear to think of… He always did something to make me feel special, beautiful, and to remind me of how much he loved me. Sometimes it was hokey and sometimes romantic, but it was always heartfelt. And I will miss that so much this year….

And then of course, today is my mom's birthday. Just two days before my own. And all those years I had to share birthdays with her. I hated them when I was young. Always wanting my own. And now, I would give anything to have her here, so that we could cut a cake together once again.

But most of all, I missed him at the benefit walk yesterday. I went with my neighbors, and a group from his office. I only did the 3K walk. It was that, or a 10K or 5K RUN, neither of which I could do. I felt strong and easily could have done a 5K walk if it had been an option. My teensy Tiger Lily walked with me the entire time…except for about the last 30 feet. She just sat down and quit. So I carried her until we were just about to cross the finish line, and she did it on her own, with lots of cameras clicking her picture. It was darling. But darn. I missed having my hubby there. We walked together so many times… for Alzheimer's, MS, Aids, Breast Cancer, Cerebral Palsy and so on. Always considered it a win win. We donated our money and time, and we had a great time while exercising. I tried to envision him walking beside me yesterday, and I found tears flowing down my face. Fortunately is was hot, and they dried quickly.

Oh, there was one other thing… I ushered at a music concert with title prodigies blowing away the patrons. I was talking to this nervous little 9 year old boy (watch for Ian Ng. he will be famous one day) before he went on stage. When he went up, I was rooting for him, hoping he'd get through it without a mistake…well, he sat down and literally brought me to tears with his performance of Chopin's "Fantasie" Impromtu, Opus 66.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tvm2
ZsRv3C8

My husband and I were blessed enough to have a nearly personal (there were only six of us) Chopin concert in Warsaw several years ago, and I hadn't heard this played since then. And this little boy was as good as the Chopin specialist we heard in his very home town…

So the weekend was filled with lots of tears. I was overwhelmed with feelings like "I can't go on anymore. I don't want to do this. I am exhausted and want my old life back. I can no longer face the future on my own. I fail at everything I do…including my emotional healing." and so on. It was pretty brutal.

And I ate. I feel so fat, and ugly and old. And worthless and numb and empty.

I just want to get through the next few days. My friends have been wonderful. Three birthday celebrations so far. And two more this week, and one scheduled for next week. I know I "should" be honored to have so many people care for me, and wallowing in my own pity is "shameful" I also know there are no "shoulds" or "shame on yous" or anything like that on this journey of grief. Most of the time it is better. Just happened to stumble into another valley…and am looking for the trail out of it.

This time, chocolate did not help at all. Period. And I have exercised almost every day. And it hasn't helped either. Guess it is just time that will do the trick…

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MTRACHEL 6/8/2014 11:25PM

    Just here to listen.

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LMSW55 6/1/2014 5:30PM

    YOU ARE SO RIGHT - THERE IS NO MANUAL ON GRIEVING AND AS A SOCIAL WORKER, I BELIEVE THAT ALL FEELINGS SHOULD BE EXPERIENCED AND HONORED. I HOPE WRITING ABOUT YOUR JOURNEY HAS GIVEN YOU SOME RELIEF. THANK YOU FOR BEING "REAL".

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B-N-ME 5/29/2014 6:33AM

    I can't say more than others have Kathy. Thank you for giving us a glimpse of the wonderful life you and your hubby shared. Precious memories. Cherished memories that will remain with you always. I hope these memories of the happiness will carry you through and give you strength to go on. emoticon

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CASSIOEPIA 5/28/2014 10:12PM

    I think a blog this powerful will help you stop the downward spiral. There is nothing wrong with the feelings that are surfacing, especially at such a special time of year. I'm sorry that the bad eating is a part of it, but you've been exercising, so you are still walking a good path.

What a wonderful story of how the two of you met, such a cherished memory. I agree that the two of you shared some wonderful experiences. At some point, those memories will bring you joy, but that will be another day.

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JENNY888 5/28/2014 3:11PM

    What wonderful memories you have of your husband. Thank you for sharing them. Reading them were like reading a romantic novel. These feelings are to be expected. They will come up from time to time. Hopefully the sad feelings will get further between with time and instead will be replaced by wonder at being able to share the wonderful time you did with your husband. Those giving you advice here are giving you great advice. You have wonderful friends.

When I was going through these grief feelings I read that it was a good idea to set a time to wallow each day and try to keep yourself from doing it until the scheduled time. I found that helped me move ahead. I looked forward to that time of wallowing in the memories and celebrating my past life. Sometimes though by the time the "time to wallow" came I found I no longer needed to go through the wallow part and could just think of the happy memories instead.

Your writing is wonderful. Have you ever though of writing a novel about your life with your husband. I think it could be a a best seller and the process could be a step to eventual recovery. Know that the feelings of loss will never go away completely but should become less frequent with time and less intense. It took me over 10 years before those feelings hardly come up. Every once in awhile they do though still after about 15 years but they are just twinges now when they do. I was very proactive in getting to this stage though. At first I just felt like giving up and wallowing. Through a lot of reading about grief and trying different strategies I got through it.

Know we are all here when you need us.

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REGILIEH 5/28/2014 10:47AM

    I wish I could help you in some way. I will say I so enjoyed your wonderful memories with your husband. I know they are bitter sweet for you but they are wonderful memories!

I think your grief is so much worse because of your wonderful memories and your wonderful husband. I know and you know that he is not happy making you so unhappy.

Be thankful for your wonderful memories!

Happy early Birthday! I'm sure it will be difficult but I do believe he will be right there beside you.

Hugs!

Anne

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PEACEFULONE 5/28/2014 10:45AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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FINDINGMENANLT 5/28/2014 9:18AM

    What a flood of memories to cherish in your heart. Be gentle on yourself. Your soul is still grieving, and that's okay.

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KALIGIRL 5/28/2014 8:36AM

    Oh my - what a flood of memories all @ once...
So glad you are exercising - the rest will come as you said, "it is just time that will do the trick…"
Namaste
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A_RARE_BEAN 5/28/2014 8:36AM

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HEALTHY4ME 5/28/2014 7:25AM

    HUGs and know that what you went through is what you could do at that time. You still go out and did some of it which is amazing. Know also there will be times like this and they are allowed, sometimes even helpful in the long run, although sure we don't see that at the time.
And I remember you and I commiserating about our mums for long while. My mums passing will be 5 years this June 1. Some days seems forever, some not so long ago. HUGS

So dear friend do what you can do, know you are doing what you are able at the time but don't let yourself totally wallow, I am sure from what you have said about your sweet hubby, he would want you to remember these special moments and smile, and yes cry for now and think of him. Then later say okay he also would want me to go on, eat well, go for walks, and take care of me.

HUGS soft gentle hugs. emoticon emoticon

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EVER-HOPEFUL 5/28/2014 7:15AM

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COSMIC_ENERGY 5/28/2014 12:24AM

    Well friend, I feel your pain and You will get through it. Focus on the little successes. You went to the benefit, realize it's just a valley and there are always paths out. Some longer, some shorter. The trick is to keep walking forward. You are an amazing woman!

"My life is not about happens to me; it's about what happens through me. Embracing my divine nature, I know I can overcome any obstacle. I observe any aspects of my life that may encourage negative habits or beliefs. Then I consciously release them, denying their influence over me. I consciously choose to surround myself with people and experiences that support my sell-being."

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MICHELE14509 5/27/2014 11:14PM

    What a moving post. You are a fantastic writer and I can feel your love and your loss burning through this page. You are so brave to keep pushing through, even though you don't want to sometimes, or are afraid you can't sometimes.

ANd you're right that there are no shoulds. Do what you need to do for yourself.

Wishing healing and peace for you.

Comment edited on: 5/27/2014 11:14:56 PM

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Ten months already….whew.

Monday, May 12, 2014

Sometimes it seems like a split second. Sometimes like an eternity… Much of the time I look back and it is a blur.

The "widow's fog" as they say…. and indeed. I have lapses in my memory of those first several months. Occasionally I will read something I wrote, and the pain of it comes swooping over me with such intensity I can hardly bear it. Reliving the loss is just too ugly. Most people tell me I am "doing great!". Some say, "just get on with it…" and others never mention it…act like he never existed. None of that matters. I know I am doing what I know to do without a rulebook, a lesson plan, or any kind of structure…grief is not like that. There ARE no rules. One just does what one does to get through the rest of their life.

I am able now, to smile inside. To actually feel the joy I missed for so long. I never thought I would again.

I still have those rogue waves sweep over me from time to time…as I did a couple of days ago. My granddaughter was testing for her MMA (mixed martial arts) black belt, and a woman was sharing how helpful MMA was after the loss of her daughter in a car accident 10 years ago. How she has yet to get over it. How just getting up, going to the gym, and working out helped her. How being surrounded by friends that became family for her sustained her when she didn't want to go on. And of course, in front of about 900 people, I felt the meltdown coming on…my lip was quivering, my body began to shake, and then the tears. Like someone opened up the flood gate. And I wanted to run, run away from the crowd, the lights, the noise, and the energy in the room. I wanted to retreat to a very private place where I could wail and sob and carry on without witnesses. Instead, I was trapped in crowded bleachers (So steep that I needed my son to help me get up and down the stairs) feeling overwhelmed, helpless and humiliated. DON'T show your weakness in front of these Black Belted Warriors! And I couldn't stop….the tears began to flow…it was awful. But out of nowhere, my son and youngest granddaughter showed up, each sitting on one side of me, forming a protective cacoon in which I could hide…Now, I know, like anything else, it was not as obvious on "the outside". No one turned to stare. No one was gawking at me in disbelief. The woman's story was touching. Many people had tears in their eyes. Her grief was profound. And I realized how very blessed I am. My grief is also profound. And I too, have friends and family that have stepped up to help me through this difficult time. And my son. Whew. We had a heart to heart a while back, after he told me he and his wife didn't like to be around me, because they thought I enjoyed feeling sad. Right. ENJOY this? Nope. Not at all. I fight it, and try to hide it, and do everything I can to avoid it. And I laid it on him… And was more honest than I think I have ever been with him. And you know what? He HEARD me. He has been amazing ever since. He actually tunes into my grief, and my joy and my very essence now. And he was never more appreciated than he was at that moment Saturday night.

I am blessed to be his mom.

So, I made it through another "holiday". I ate too much for breakfast…and felt lousy all day. But I gave myself permission before I started, knowing i probably would feel icky afterwards. Now, when I say too much? It is still WAY less than I would have eaten a month ago.

I am down 10 pounds. Yup. TEN POUNDS! Back to where I was ten months ago. When Alan died. I know it is mostly water weight, but I will take water, fat, anything…I am doing it right. Eating enough. And eating clean. AND kicking up the exercise. Painful as that is…

I have had two cups of coffee today. And am rambling. Random thoughts. And fingers moving at high speed. There is no one to talk to in the house, so I ramble on line. ha ha ha ha ha….

On and On Anon? OAOA? I am ready. "Hello. My name is Kathy. I go on and on…."

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ASHERAH38 5/14/2014 10:21AM

    Thanks for continuing to share your journey through this challenging time with us. Continuing to wish the very best for you and your family.

on and on Anon?...that's funny:-)

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PEACEFULONE 5/13/2014 9:00AM

    Wonderful to hear that you talked with your son, he listened, better understands your grief and is there for you. Wishing blessings to you and yours!
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HEALTHY4ME 5/12/2014 10:23PM

    and on.... I know I went to work at anew job, new company but same work 2 weeks to day after my mum died. Way too early to be taking care of seniors. and one of the videos they showed in orientation was someone with lung cancer dying. OMG I sat and just cried, till a friend that I worked with at another home helped me up and took me to the break room. I later went and apologized for interrupting the video... they said had they known they wouldn't have shown it.
So I commend you for going and for letting your tears fall. HUGS my dear...

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COSMIC_ENERGY 5/12/2014 7:25PM

    You continue to be a source of inspiration and wisdom. You have allowed yourself to ride the currents of grief unabashedly thus assisting the healing process. Good on ya girl!

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CASSIOEPIA 5/12/2014 6:23PM

    I heard a song on the radio this afternoon, and couldn't get you out of my head. It's called 'In This House' by The Stellas (if you want to google it or YouTube it).

There is never a 'getting over it', but more of a gentle acceptance when the time is right, followed by many of the instances like you just described.

Your son did a good thing. Hugs.

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VALERIEMAHA 5/12/2014 3:52PM

    You made me Laugh Out Loud: "On and On Anon? OAOA? I am ready. 'Hello. My name is Kathy. I go on and on….'"

But coffee buzz or not, you're supremely artuiculate and intentional...and I really don't see anything "extra" here. That's BIG on your son!!!!!!
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EVER-HOPEFUL 5/12/2014 3:36PM

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HAPPYMENOW58 5/12/2014 3:23PM

    I am so sorry for your loss.....Hang in there and hang on......I am glad you are honestly blogging and able to express your feelings.....You sound like you are doing well to me....Hugs and know that I will pray for you. emoticon

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Date Update and More!

Tuesday, May 06, 2014

OK. FUNNY story…

My sister (who lives about 25 miles away) called me last night while she was walking with a neighbor. The neighbor is also a "single senior" and has, over the years, dated several men off dating websites. So my sister was sharing my first experience in the online dating world…and it ended up, that this woman KNEW the man I went out with! What a small world. Evidently, she worked with him about 20 years ago, but is close friends with his best friend….

The bottom line is? His best friend complained to my sister's neighbor that the guy is driving him crazy, because he is always calling him, asking him for a ride. And was wondering why he doesn't just get a driver's license and a car! ha ha ha ha! Sure good for a laugh….and an awareness of how interconnected all our lives are! Small world...

Now, I still think that, even though I am still gagging over that meal, it was a huge and wonderful experience. Based on that, I've taken actions on the decisions I made.

I have counted every calorie (still works best for me…) and every bite I have eaten. I have stayed within my calorie range for 6 out of 7 days, and only 100 calories over on the other one. I am eating 100% clean food. Cutting out most processed foods, and high carb items. Mainly organic fruits veggies and meat (organic, ethically raised) and eggs from my neighbor's chickens. Who are definitely free range (as noted when I find them in my yard from time to time…)

I am through with the detox. Headache, lightheadedness and mild nausea are gone. I'm walking at least a mile every day…very slowly, and often quite painfully, but I am doing it. And I am now am adding swimming to the work out schedule at least 3x week. AND am meeting with my trainer at the gym again on Thursday.

I have stepped up volunteer work.

And something happened that really has taken me by surprise. I felt it come on on suddenly, and with such acute awareness that it was almost shocking. My husband has "settled" into a private place in my heart. It is very weird, but truly wonderful. It is like he moved into a room, then closed and locked the door. I really "get it". The fact that people LIVE in your heart! I can literally feel him there. And talk to him. His words and support still guide me. I can whisper to him and giggle silently with him. I can share my secrets with him…and no one else has to know. It is just between us. There is a new sense of comfort and gratitude that exists now. Because I KNOW he is never really leaving me….And now that he claimed his space and has taken up permanent residence, I can open up the rest of the heart…and know that it will be ok. Because he is comfy and warm and safe, and will be there to protect me.

At nine months, and 24 days, I beginning to feel alive.

My next goal is to spend 1/2 hour a day tackling the mess I have allowed my house to become. Baby steps...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MTRACHEL 5/9/2014 6:03PM

    Tears of joy for you Kathy, tears of joy!

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GIRLINBRAZIL 5/8/2014 8:37PM

    Always glad to come by and read your blog. Happy that you can feel settled and move out in new ways!

Take care,

Michele

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PEACEFULONE 5/7/2014 2:00PM

    Such a beautiful description of the peace you have found with Alan in your heart. Glad that you are finding the energy to do the things that need doing. Great job sticking with the calories counting and exercise! You are an inspiration!
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KALIGIRL 5/7/2014 8:47AM

    "At nine months, and 24 days, I am beginning to feel alive."
I am so glad to hear it my friend. Can't imagine what you have been, are and will be going through, but am happy to learn you are finding your way.
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Comment edited on: 5/7/2014 8:47:34 AM

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EVER-HOPEFUL 5/7/2014 1:34AM

    that is great love,that is also how i feel about love ones i have lost they have never really left me and are always there with their words of wisdom and comfort whenever i need them,even after all theese years.re the one you went on a date with i shouldn´t judge him on not getting a drivers licence there could be a reason my sister tracy and i have never learnt to drive as when we were young we were in a very bad car acident caused by a drunk driver.my sister was in hospital over a year and the hospital was over two hundred miles away from where we lived as she needed a specialized hospital,my mother was very ill as a result of the accident and died later on the injuries of it.we both are afraid to drive because of it.my older sister who was not in the car used to drive but now is partially sighted and not allowed to anymore.maybe this man has poor eyesight or epilepsy or another medical reason why he can´t drive and doesn´t want other people to know.i personally would not think any less of a man just because he can´t drive if all his other attributes are good.way to go on all the effort you are putting in to make a healthy lifestyle your husband would be proud of you.keep on keeping on you are doing great.take care and keep smiling emoticon

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NORWOODGIRL 5/6/2014 10:30PM

    It's great to hear that life is starting to rebloom within you. emoticon

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COSMIC_ENERGY 5/6/2014 8:17PM

    I get the heart thing. It's certainly where my mom is. Small world indeed...that IS a funny story about the date guy.

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B-N-ME 5/6/2014 8:05PM

    So glad to read your blog, glad that you know you are losing what you have, it is safe, and from here you will only add to all the beauty life has given you.


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MISS_VIV 5/6/2014 7:16PM

    Fantastic progress and revelations.
You never cease to amaze me. You are a winner.
Indeed a transformation in the making.

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CASSIOEPIA 5/6/2014 6:07PM

    Happy sighs over here.
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It is such a small world, and you just never know who knows who, and how they know each other. That's neat to find all that out after.

I'm glad that your sweet husband has taken up his place in in your heart. That warms me to no end. Big hugs.

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HEALTHY4ME 5/6/2014 5:09PM

    Small world for sure! how ironic!
and how great you are doing with your plans!!! AWESOME! doing great with your cals, and clean eating!!!

As for your hubby and your heart, I love how you explained it and I do understand. I am so happy for you, that you know all will be well, and that he is safe in your heart, and you can and should talk, laugh and love him.

HUGS

OH and I so understand the painful walks.... my knees are so much worse but still on the list for replacements. eeek but hopefully ahhh.

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DEPRESSED? Who me???

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Yup. Depressed. For nine months, 16 days, and 15 hours.

At first it was the shock, the numbness, the fear, the panic, the paranoia and the confusion...then as reality set it, I began to find myself in the midst of major howling, wailing, falling to the floor screaming meltdowns. A state of surrealism. Of total detachment. And the confusion persisted. After a few months, the isolation and withdrawal set in. I no longer wanted to be around people. I no longer wanted to get dressed, brush my teeth or my hair. All I wanted to do was lay on the couch with the remote control and food. Then, I began faking it, wearing the mask of pretense so that everyone else would think I was "OK". In all of this, I have become sedentary, lethargic, and very, very lazy. My weight is up again, which only makes it all the more difficult. And with the recent injuries, I have been finding I can use that for an excuse. But I know, deep in my heart, otherwise. It is simply that. Excuses.

I woke up a few days ago, and realized that I am suffering from a major depressive disorder. Yup. All the symptoms are there. And although common, and justified, after such a horrific year...it is not pleasant or easy to exist this way.

The house is a pig sty. Not the part that the "public" sees...but the private areas. I need a hoarding intervention for the bedroom! There are piles everywhere. and the bathroom has no clean counter space! And the office....disorganized stacks of papers everywhere. I cannot find anything. I am losing stuff that is really important. But until now, I have been paralyzed. Not able to physically, or mentally, attack these rooms or get rid of the stuff that I need to. I cannot believe I live like this. In a state of such filth and disarray.

But I have been. And it must stop.

One of the things I have heard over the years, is that when you make external changes, it is a reflection of what is going on internally. I see that I have allowed myself to wear my depression, my apathy, and my lack of self worth on the outside of my body, and it has spilled into "my places" in my home. All the negative changes that have taken place internally are beginning to show.

I woke up yesterday, and realized I cannot go on like this. I have longevity in my genes, and could easily live another 20 good years. So do I want to live them like a slob? Alone? Wheel chair bound? in a nursing home? Or do I want to restore my health, my happiness, a sense of reasonable order in my life?

I do NOT want to be alone, but when I look in the mirror now, I simply see a fat white blob looking back at me. I have no color in my skin. My eyes are puffy (yes, I still cry every day) and there is no light in them. My wrinkles look very deep. The cellulite is not just in my butt or my thighs, it is in the arms, and everywhere. My neck "waddle" is wagging at me...so WHO would want to share life with someone like me in this condition. No one.

I'll never have beautiful skin again. I'll have baggy legs, arms and belly... But I will be able to do a lot of the things I used to be able to do without struggling. Walk, dance, swim, snorkel, bike and perhaps even kayak and raft once again. The days of playing tennis, baseball and racquetball, of backpacking and jogging are behind me...but, that's ok. Because someone else my age probably can't do them all either!

I'm not in a hurry. Because I know climbing out of this abyss of depression is not going to be easy. And making those external changes will not happen over night. But I am starting. And it will be worth it in the long run.

Counted calories yesterday for the first time since my husband died. Tracking food for the second day today. Cut my hair. Walked 1.87 miles this morning. Heating the pool tomorrow. Cleaned the kitchen and folded four loads of laundry last night. I am on my way.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NORWOODGIRL 5/5/2014 10:27PM

    Good for you!

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KALIGIRL 4/30/2014 8:57AM

    "But I am starting. And it will be worth it in the long run."
Here's to emoticon glad you're getting back into the swing.
Namaste my friend
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MTRACHEL 4/30/2014 12:26AM

    You're last line reminded me of Bill Murray in "What about Bob" Baby steps....
so glad you are taking them! Way to take on the radical acceptance and willingness to change! You are on your way.

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PEACEFULONE 4/29/2014 11:03PM

    Yes you can! Wishing you all the strength and peace you need. Be assured that you are surrounded by God's Love.
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COSMIC_ENERGY 4/29/2014 9:34PM

    You have taken the steps of recognizing what's going on and want something different for yourself. One step at a time.

WTG for making a start! There may be bumps in the road but we keep picking ourselves up and moving our feet.



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EVER-HOPEFUL 4/29/2014 5:37PM

    kat^hy liz said it much better than i ever could love.try not to be too hard on yourself and look on the positive.you have notice what is going on and you are not ignoring it you have started to do something about it.that shows courage and also the williness to move forward.know i am proud of you love.be kind to yourself and give yourself time after all 9 months is not so long.when we were doing our councilling course they said a person needs on average to work through a life moving experiance(like a death,a move etc)takes 2 years to fully recover some take even longer.as liz said use us here for your sounding board,shoulder to lean on etc,etc.take care and keep smiling emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ABURRIS2 4/29/2014 3:59PM

    emoticon

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B-N-ME 4/29/2014 3:22PM

    Kathy, none of us can say we know how you feel for even if we lost the love of our life so many factors differ. What we can say and truly mean is that we love you, are here for you and are sounding boards when you need it.
You have done some deep thinking and I'm glad you are starting to look to the future. My sure your darling husband would want you to do this.
You have taken some good steps forward, be as kind and patient as you would be with us.
You are a wonderful woman with much to offer. Hang in there baby steps get us there over time xo

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HEALTHY4ME 4/29/2014 3:06PM

    OH dear friend, I can't even imagine and know I would be in the same predicament as you if this happens to me. HUGS and first off now that you have acknowledged the issues, be gentle and loving to yourself.

There are days I am like that anyway, just from pain from arthritis and fibro and the not sleeping catching up to me, along with hubby having chronic depression and anxiety. But then I will get my wind and get moving and doing for a few days. I do walk daily as if not the arthritis will be worse.

HUGS and we are all here for you, take your time, love you and come on back and learn to once again start to enjoy things.

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REGILIEH 4/29/2014 2:46PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MISS_VIV 4/29/2014 2:28PM

    COOL JEWELS
Jewels of progress in your tiara of survivorship.
You are awesome.

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WORLDSERIES11 4/29/2014 2:24PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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