Saturday, November 03, 2012
I spoke with my brother on the phone a couple days ago. We live on opposite sides of the US so don't see each other in person much, which in theory is sad because I love him like crazy and vice versa, but in reality is great because although we love each other and have similar interests in some things we can't be in the same house for more than a day LOL!! He's NOT a loner, I am; he's a dreamer, I'm a pragmatist; he thinks out loud and then says he didn't mean what he said (like I'm going to pain the house type thing - he's THINKING about it, not GOING to do it), I say what I mean. In short, we drive each other crazy.
Anyways, he said to me that I sounded like my old self (not the depressed, in pain, icky life, unhappy person I've been most of the past 2-3 years). I FEEL like I should be like my old self. I WANT to be like my old self. I just can't quite GET to my old self. I feel impotent. Like I'm starting but have a harness keeping me back. I planned on cleaning my kitchen today and I barely got anything done. I keep saying 5 minute intervals! baby steps! but even those just seem like too much. It's frustrating and that makes me more unhappy and I fear slipping back into depression.
Actually, I realized a few minutes ago part of my lack of umph may be that I'm tired from helping my sister out, going to PT, and the elections (we have a millage renewal on the ballot and if it doesn't pass I may not have a job come January - that's enough to put anyone in a state of stasis!!)