Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Thank you all for looking at my post yesterday. I get so stubborn when asking for help, but I need to do something. It feels like my world is turned upside down right now because of the depression...it is getting worse. So going to make that dreadful call. I get discouraged when calling the doc to tell him how bad i am feeling cause I can hear them thinking, oh no, not you again, or what now! I don't want to be that burden. I know bipolars fight hard to get the right mix of meds. I wish I could be that way. I don't even remember all of the meds I have tried and for how long and why i don't take them now. I am always asked that, so they can't help me very much. I feel like a failure. I NEED to get out of the house today and do something. Want to walk the dog. If I don't I will go insane. So thought I would write on here first so I won't go out there and blow up. For all the bipolars out there...how do you do it? How do you lead a productive life...find the right cocktail. How long does it take? I am tired of hurting and losing people. I am tired oof people thinking that I am being rude when actually it is the bipolar...how do you be positive and say positive things when talking to people when you are feeling low? Tired of people telling me I am negative and they don't want to be friends or just ignoring me. Well that is fine, I will just deal with this and I guess when I am stable sometime in my life, I can have friends again. Sorry for sounding like this, it is frustrating and really hurts. Don't know if I should go out now or cry. NEED TO FORCE MYSELF, NEED TO FORCE MYSELF.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
It is ruining my life. Wel, it has for many years, and I don't know how to change it. I am not the social butterfly, esp when depressed. I am tired of losing people I barely meet. Most of the time right now I feel like being alone. Where do I go from here? How do I get out of this depression when I only feel like sitting? I am on ADD meds now, so it lifted some of those symptoms, but he took me off lamictal and think I need to give him a call before I do more damage. I even feel rejected by my doctors and don't know if it is the bipolar talking or just me being negative. I need support.
Monday, February 27, 2012
It was a hard today today because I was not feeling good since last night and lack of energy. I am sure a lot of people feel this way when they have so much weight on them. After my errands and dishes I just wasn't feeling good so I ad to lay down. I was feeling light-headed and was worrying a lot. What if one of my kids called from school to cone get them, etc. If I was not feeling good, no one could do it. I have not been sleeping well. Damn insomnia. After resting, I was determined to get my work out in. I have not been exercising like I wanted to...consistently. Of course life gets in the way. I had read in someones blog that you have to find a time when you know you can do it. If you can't exercise at any other time of the day but mornings, then you have to do it at that time of day. So I was determined to work out while the kids were in school...even if I still was not feeling up to it. It might make me feel better...who knows. I bought a few DVDs today, and one of my faves is Denise Austin. I got a beginner work out. I always think I can start out with hard ones and pick up where I left off years ago. Sometimes I dont realize how much weight I have gained. I started with just playing it. Denise always motivates me, so I am glad I got it. I could only do about 15 minutes and I was pooped. Started feeling woozy again. So I thought it was good to start at 15 minutes and work up from there. Three times a week, with strength training in between. I will have to. Feeling tired or not. Also, I told myself I will look good when I work out. I cant feel good about myself if I wear a yucky t-shirt. I also want my hubby to take a pic of me at my weight right now. Another way to get motivated to drop those pounds. Still smoking too, but slowed down a bit.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
I took my 7 year old daughter to her friends birthday party today and spent an hour getting lost on the San Antonio highways, lol. But at least we made it. I wanted to get some exersize in yesterday, but I ended up studying with my daughter and also going grocery shopping at night. I was getting a cold and started to get very tired, so I knew I couldn't do it. Then today with taking her to the party and then going to my daughters friends house and chit-chatting with her mom (whom we are just getting to know each other), time just gets away from me. I didn't stay that long, just to let my kids play there. I had to get home to my hubby so I could see him. He has been working overtime this weekend. We watched a movie from Redbox, and then went to pick the kids up. It was 8pm already. When my son came in, he played the Wii Fit Plus and now my daughter is watching her movie from Redbox. I am still sick drinking Theraflu..so I am wondering how am I ever going to get the time or feel good to burn some calories? Is seems that I either don't feel good or get distracted with other things. Guess I have to start getting up at 5am when the kids are still sleeping to do this. Does anybody really exersize when they are sick? Do I push myself? I don't get sick that much though. I am so tired of this low-self-esteem and feeling like I can't control my life. Just wish I wasn't so unhappy all the time. I would meet people and the ladies that I was talking to today...they don't live that far from me and their kids are friends with mine...but I was thinking...how can I be myself when I don't feel good in my own skin? Thanks for reading, and sorry my writing is not very good. I don't write good when I am sick, lol.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Today I am starting to track my foods, cause I realize that it is what I need to do to lose weight. I have been on Weight Watchers in the past, but lost 20 pounds and later gained it back all because I stopped tracking and went back to my eating habits.
I have a lot of emotional problems that I want to work out. I want to be a happier person than I have been. I don't remember really the last time that I smiled. My depression just gets worse when I can't even look at people or even at myself in the mirror. This is the heaviest I have been..well, maybe I have been in the 180's...but I used to be in better shape. I want people to notice me again, esp. the hubby.
I am also worried about my son getting light-headed at school during physical activities, even going up the stairs. I have a feeling it is his weight. He also takes meds like I do, and that has been adjusted to taking some at night, but he still gets dizzy. We both have problems with our ankles and knees. So I am trying to find a healthier plan for both of us...maybe even the whole family.
I have been really resistant to any exercise or healthy eating for a long time. I just gave up on it. We have had a lot of stressors in our life since March 2011. Now I think things are smoothing out. My husband has his first civilian job after being in the Navy for 20 years. I am still a stay-at-home mom and I think that is going to be permanent for me because of my mental health issues. It really depressed me. We don't have anyone here (where we moved) that we can call friends. No family here either. My kids and I need some outlet where we can go to. I guess it is up to me to find that.
So I guess the purpose of this first blog is to find out where I stand in life right now and put things into perspective for me since for years I have been stuffing it and forgetting. It is only going to get worse doing it that way...and just go to my stomach. I have a lot of healing to do and I realize I can't do that with food. I also keep on going back to smoking, but I want to make some changes gradually. So since I have all this time at home by myself (and the dog, lol) I can do some preparing. So please wish me luck!
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