Monday, April 18, 2011
I've always tried to be the Mr. Nice Guy ever since I can remember. I'm not planning on trying to change who I am, but I now think this may have gotten me where I am today with eating problems. I'm the type of person that always wants to make things okay, please other people and do what is right. Sometimes this can be stressful on a person though.
When I was little, I was bullied and it has stayed with me since. I never said anything as I didn't want to get anyone in trouble and so I just took it all in. These girls would harass me quite frequently. I was overweight and developed early so I became a target. My parents didn't even know. Changing schools helped this situation. Now that I think about it, no wonder I was "chubby" as my self-esteem was not very high at the time.
Now as an adult, I am getting bullied again! I have become a target once more. There has become so much drama in one of my hockey groups that I have some ladies who yell at me on the ice, shove into me purposely and slap my stick around for no reason when I don't even have the puck. They are 2 sisters who have anger management issues and are bullies. Every time we play this team, there is some other incident that they seem to blame me for. No wonder I can't always keep my eating under control! This stress is killing me sometimes and I love this sport. Others have also complained about these 2 ladies so I'm not the only one. For crying out loud....we are all adults here! Well.....I guess some of us are!!!
I think I've made a decision. I really don't think they will change and I come home totally stressed after playing against them. It's not fun anymore. I will complete this session but when it comes to playing against them, I'm opting out of that game. I have 2 games left against them. It's not worth it for my sanity. At the end of this session in 6 weeks, I'm not signing up again. I'll continue playing with my pick-up group and summer league where there is no drama like this and these ladies are not involved in these groups.
Why oh why do people have to act this way????? What are they teaching their own children????
I just needed to get these frustrations out...................thanks!
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Well, for me, my first thought is a hockey goal! I admit, I am an ice hockey addict! I could play every day! At 49, I'm like a Mom to many of the younger women, but I try real hard to keep up with them and I'm doing really well!
Practice ..... practice ..... practice!!
But seriously, how do we know where to place our goals? Is a number important? Are the personal feelings we have important? Is the strength, fitness and well-being of our bodies important?
I think, through this journey of weight loss, that I have learned that all of these factors are important. I have come to believe, however, that one is least important. I think that the number on the scale is the least. I never thought I would say this, but I've come to this conclusion in the past couple of weeks as I have come closer and closer to my goal. I NEVER thought I could weigh under 150, but now that I do, it really doesn't matter as much to me.....that feels odd.
How did I come to this conclusion? Well....I used to weigh myself every single day. The number on the scale often controlled how I felt for the day. About 2 weeks ago, I changed this and went to weighing in only once per week. I felt a sense of freedom for these past two weeks that I haven't felt before. I focused more on myself as far as health, energy levels and well-being.
Eating healthy has been my major focus for the past several months, not how fast the scale goes down. I've had my ups and downs believe you me! I've also had my chocolate cakes, M&M's and other treats, but it's starting to feel different now. Have I changed? I think so. Will I go back to who I was? I hope not, but that person will always be inside me lurking and waiting.
Now, what are my goals? Is the number still important? No, but I will still stay within my calorie ranges, continue to play hockey as long as my body will, and provide the best foods to keep me healthy and strong. I can never give up chocolate and I shouldn't have to. That is also part of me. I now think my body will take me where it should be and I'll just see what happens.
Do I change my goal weight? I've thought about it, but I think I'll just leave it where it is for now. I'm happy with who I have become as a person and I think that for once in my lie, I am finally finding out who I really am.
Here are my main goals now:
1. To be healthy
2. To be happy
3. To live life the best that I can
4. To have a positive outlook and attitude on life (this makes a world of difference!)
This journey has been filled with discoveries, challenges and gains. My journey has not ended and still continues. I have my paths to take, but I feel more confident now that I feel I can conquer and overcome whatever comes in my path. I truly thank Sparkpeople, my SparkTeams and especially my Spark Buddies who have helped me along the way!! I certainly could not have done this without your help!!
Saturday, May 01, 2010
Our father who art in Boston. Hockey be thy game. Thy will be done. The cup will be won. On ice, as well as in the stands. Give us this day our hockey sticks. And forgive us our penalties, as we forgive those who cross-check against us, Lead us not into elimination. But deliver us to victory. In the name of the fans, Lord Stanley, and in the name of the Bruins. Amen.
♥ Let's go BRUINS!
Saturday, February 20, 2010
I've been doing so well and then it all hit me this past week. My Mom keeps pushing me to eat whenever I go over and it's stuff like Hershey kisses, Devil Dogs, bread pudding, chocolates, cakes, etc. (She weighs 114 pounds) I've spent more time over at her house this past week as I've had to bring her to appointments. I have to get mad at her and say, "NO Thank you MOM!!!", but she still insists and leaves it all in front of me. I had dinner with friends yesterday. My friend loaded our plates with food so we couldn't serve ourselves. She then served us brownie pudding cake with ice cream which she dished out. Of course, I ate it all and I came home and ate more!
Plus I'm stressed with too much to do and no time to complete what I have to do because of commitments to others. My Mom is not in the greatest of health and I am consulting situations with my brother, I've had 4 sets of taxes to do and 2 FAFSA's for colleges, my kids' lives are challenging at times, I'm trying to paint my bathroom and my vacation is almost over, and my job is possibly on the line because of budget cuts and.....and....and....and....
and...on it goes!!!
Well....you get the picture. I haven't been able to track my calories appropriately the past few days and this frustrates me. Once I loose control, I have a hard time getting it back. That's why I have lost and gained the same 50 pounds at least 3 times now. I don't want to do this again! Why is this so difficult for me? Why is this such an obsession? Why can't I be like "normal" people and just move on and get over it? Why do I feel guilty and out of control when I can't track the calories appropriately? Why can't I just eat out and be okay? How do I stop this roller coaster ride? Why is it that once I cheat, I can't stop? What is wrong with me? Are these all just excuses? Others don't seem to understand.
I needed to just get all this out as it's all so bottled inside right now. I feel like a champagne bottle ready to pop! Sometimes I feel very alone in this journey as I really don't have any support at home or at work. I do thank my Spark friends though as they certainly make me laugh and I need that!!!
Okay.....I feel a bit better, but can I move on?????????
I hope so!!! I MUST!!!
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